Husband drinks & stays out late - Does yours?
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Is it all that surprising that guys behave like that?
From early childhood. When it comes play, most parents will balk at the idea if their sons prefer to play with masak masak and dolls instead of guns and soccer. Girls are encouraged to stay home to play while boys are encouraged to go out and play. Boys should be outside playing games, running, etc while girls should be inside playing with their barbie dolls and cooking set. Isn't this the age old stereotype. These days, even though more are encouraging girls to be out playing boy stuff, few are encouraging the boys to play the girl stuff.
My oldest is a girl. DH panicked when he saw DS picking up DD's girlie toys and started playing with them. He promptly went out and picked out guns and pirate swords and all the boy stuff for DS. He was not happy when DS prefers to play masak masak with DD instead of playing with the guns he bought.
So yeah, the imprint on a lot of our guys is such. They are suppose to be out playing, not home.
Ok :offtopic: oredi. -
Funz:
Is it all that surprising that guys behave like that?
From early childhood. When it comes play, most parents will balk at the idea if their sons prefer to play with masak masak and dolls instead of guns and soccer. Girls are encouraged to stay home to play while boys are encouraged to go out and play. Boys should be outside playing games, running, etc while girls should be inside playing with their barbie dolls and cooking set. Isn't this the age old stereotype. These days, even though more are encouraging girls to be out playing boy stuff, few are encouraging the boys to play the girl stuff.
My oldest is a girl. DH panicked when he saw DS picking up DD's girlie toys and started playing with them. He promptly went out and picked out guns and pirate swords and all the boy stuff for DS. He was not happy when DS prefers to play masak masak with DD instead of playing with the guns he bought.
So yeah, the imprint on a lot of our guys is such. They are suppose to be out playing, not home.
Ok :offtopic: oredi.
luckily ds doenst mind wearing pink cos as we always say a colour is a colour. there is no law that say only girls can wear pink....
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I am quite surprised to read quite a few cases of husbands went out drinking and left tbe family and kids to the wife. I wonder has it got to do with our NS ? Because I know one of my ex-colleague always went out drinking with his army mates.
Anyway, for myself, We do things together most of the time, outside of work. My hubby will be the chauffeur driving us around for enrichment classes on weekend, and we have tea/coffee together while waiting for the kids.
My husband is a Malaysian, so there is no army mate to go drinking with. Anyway, dont think he likes or can drink much. -
znzyzyzx:
Personally, I feel that nature of job and peers plays a important part. My dh's is a local and did NS but his profession doesn't require him to entertain. At most they have overseas visitor and they will go out for dinner that's all. Also, he drives and fetches me to and from work everyday. We do dinner together unless each of us has something on eg. co. engagement. We spend weekends together ferrying the kids from enrichment classes. So due to that, he don't really have the time to go out with his friends. I think his uni friends and other friends also have their own career and family commitment so equally busy. Their gathering is like twice a year at most.
Anyway, for myself, We do things together most of the time, outside of work. My hubby will be the chauffeur driving us around for enrichment classes on weekend, and we have tea/coffee together while waiting for the kids.
My husband is a Malaysian, so there is no army mate to go drinking with. Anyway, dont think he likes or can drink much.
There was a time that we contemplated owning 2 separate cars. Eg. iso getting a MPV, we buy 2 1600cc cars. Cost aside, I felt that it's probably better that he is my chauffeur at least we spend \"more time\" together on the road. -
Funz:
It really hurts the kids to have divorced parents, I don't want that....so don't bother with him anymore, just hang on to my own sanity and take care of the kids first....
For those who are experiencing what I went through, way I see it, you can hope that your guy will see light soon. In the mean time, take care of yourselves. So that when your guy's eyes finally open, he will see the same you or even an improved you instead of a shadow of who you were when you first met. Or if you think that your guy will never change but you do not want your kids to have divorced parents, again take care of yourselves so that you can be a pillar of strength for them. Whatever your decision in a situation like this, take care of yourself first.
Don't need to ask anymore, don't need to bother anymore....We are all individuals in our own right. He can think whatever he wants to think and act however he wants to act, I don't want to be upset anymore.
If he is not bothered that you are bothered, why bother??
Focus on what is more important in your life, life still goes on no matter what....
:sad:
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Funz:
It's a sad but amazing story. Thanks for sharing Funz! you've walked a difficult journey.That was my life then. I called, I reasoned, I requested, I screamed. In the end, I went on strike. Since he did not treat it as a home and did not think that he has a part to play in upkeeping this home/family, he was just a tenant. I stopped doing his laundry and making his breakfast, stopped replenishing his toiletries, or cleaning up after him, I stopped calling him to see if he was coming back or if he was safe, etc. I stopped including him in my plans. Basically, I started living my life without bothering about his plans or schedule. I assumed that he will not be there.
When I started doing that, I felt sad but at least I was less angsty. There were no more tears. I guess when you adjust your expectations, you deal with disappointments better. I built a wall around myself so that I could stop hurting. I was able to function. Not ideal but at least our kiddos still had a daddy, well, when he decided to be around, and life was a tad more peaceful.
DH was not ready to change. At that point, I gave up on DH ever putting me or the family first. I stopped caring so much about DH so that I can give my kids a calmer environment. Makes sense? When I stopped caring so much, I was calmer, less bitter, less angry, more fun. Seriously, not ideal and very dysfunctional but that was how I made it through those years.
And weirdly, the more I withdrew from DH, the more he reached out. Maybe it was a matter of timing. By then he was in his late 30s and his career was kind of settling, actually a bit derailed then and he needed support. Unfortunately, my walls were too high and thick by then and I did not realise. DH had to use a battering ram and confront me head on about my detachment towards him and in the process, open up a dam of resentment. Once that was out in the open, we started to work towards mending our relationship.
Thinking back, would I have done things differently, I think not. How I handled the whole situation was very much me. If I had not withdrawn from DH, I think I would have been a manic mess emotionally. I took care of myself first, the way I know how. In doing so, I was able to see to the needs of our kids.
DH and I are doing fine now. It is constantly a work in progress but we have moved pass that sad lonely period.
For those who are experiencing what I went through, way I see it, you can hope that your guy will see light soon. In the mean time, take care of yourselves. So that when your guy's eyes finally open, he will see the same you or even an improved you instead of a shadow of who you were when you first met. Or if you think that your guy will never change but you do not want your kids to have divorced parents, again take care of yourselves so that you can be a pillar of strength for them. Whatever your decision in a situation like this, take care of yourself first. -
3Boys:
J you st very distressing to me that people can eter into a marriage and treat their spouse with such contempt. Upbringing is all wrong. Hope our boys take the right things from their parents. We are far from perfect but we have a lot of affection for each other and a lot of give and take, makes it easy.
Not everyone has the luxury of a normal upbringing. there are so many dysfunctional families. in the past, that used to be the norm for the less educated, cos of money problems, gambling, drinking etc.
in future, i think there will be even more dysfunctional families even though a larger proportion of society is better educated. because overall societial morality has declined, people get divorced at a higher rate/ parents who are educated chase careers and money and neglect their kids... children observe dysfunction and most try to avoid it but most end up mirroring that behaviour. it's a sad, sad cycle. -
toddles:
It says something when a normal upbringing has become a luxury. Sob!!3Boys:
J you st very distressing to me that people can eter into a marriage and treat their spouse with such contempt. Upbringing is all wrong. Hope our boys take the right things from their parents. We are far from perfect but we have a lot of affection for each other and a lot of give and take, makes it easy.
Not everyone has the luxury of a normal upbringing. there are so many dysfunctional families. in the past, that used to be the norm for the less educated, cos of money problems, gambling, drinking etc.
in future, i think there will be even more dysfunctional families even though a larger proportion of society is better educated. because overall societial morality has declined, people get divorced at a higher rate/ parents who are educated chase careers and money and neglect their kids... children observe dysfunction and most try to avoid it but most end up mirroring that behaviour. it's a sad, sad cycle. -
applecrisp:
Hi, applecrisp,I duno to say I am fuming mad or utterly disappointed with the man I married. I stayed awake the whole night, called his HP man times with no success and as me and mil started to wonder if something had happened, he appeared at the door at 6:30am. He claimed his HP battery was dead, couldn't call a valet and fell asleep in the car.
Am I being stupid here?? Why am I worrying for someone while he's out having fun?? Whilst he apologized for making the family worry, I know deep in my heart he would never be sorry. When he got into the car accident he also apologized. The next two months was back to late night drinking and today's incident is really testing my limits!
If you see someone at work with red swollen eyes, pls dun ask if that's me
So sorry to hear about what happened last night. Hmmm, would it help to sit down with him and discuss a code of conduct? Some men are homebodies, and some men (like my husband) are not. But for those who enjoy life outside, they should still adhere to certain rules of behaviour which are acceptable to the family? I'm just thinking off the top of my head, but it could be stuff like he has to come home by 1am, or whichever time you guys are comfortable with, or he should at least be home x number of nights a week to spend time with you, etc. If my suggestion doesn't work, maybe it's time to evaluate the situation and see why what he wants to do is so different from what you expect of him. If you don't mind me saying so, I think his behaviour is really not appropriate for a family man and I think you have the right as his wife to expect more... -
Funz:
Hi, Funz!
Thinking back, would I have done things differently, I think not. How I handled the whole situation was very much me. If I had not withdrawn from DH, I think I would have been a manic mess emotionally. I took care of myself first, the way I know how. In doing so, I was able to see to the needs of our kids.
I totally understood what you wrote!!! That was exactly what happened to me, too! Had to 'shut down' emotionally to deal with the situation first, otherwise, I would have been so miserable I wouldn't have been able to function. While it's great to know others have been through what we have, too, it's kinda sad that there are so many cases around. I wonder from time to time whether it was because my mil spoilt my husband when he was young and treated him like a god while putting herself in the position of the 'ignorant housewife who doesn't know anything'. I didn't say it! Hubby told me his mum used to say it all the time when he was growing up!!! I'm actively working towards 'training' my boys to be useful men around the house so that they will be less likely to be inconsiderate towards their wives. Hope it works. :xedfingers:
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