Husband drinks & stays out late - Does yours?

[toddles]

Funz:

That was my life then. I called, I reasoned, I requested, I screamed. In the end, I went on strike. Since he did not treat it as a home and did not think that he has a part to play in upkeeping this home/family, he was just a tenant. I stopped doing his laundry and making his breakfast, stopped replenishing his toiletries, or cleaning up after him, I stopped calling him to see if he was coming back or if he was safe, etc. I stopped including him in my plans. Basically, I started living my life without bothering about his plans or schedule. I assumed that he will not be there.


When I started doing that, I felt sad but at least I was less angsty. There were no more tears. I guess when you adjust your expectations, you deal with disappointments better. I built a wall around myself so that I could stop hurting. I was able to function. Not ideal but at least our kiddos still had a daddy, well, when he decided to be around, and life was a tad more peaceful.

DH was not ready to change. At that point, I gave up on DH ever putting me or the family first. I stopped caring so much about DH so that I can give my kids a calmer environment. Makes sense? When I stopped caring so much, I was calmer, less bitter, less angry, more fun. Seriously, not ideal and very dysfunctional but that was how I made it through those years.

And weirdly, the more I withdrew from DH, the more he reached out. Maybe it was a matter of timing. By then he was in his late 30s and his career was kind of settling, actually a bit derailed then and he needed support. Unfortunately, my walls were too high and thick by then and I did not realise. DH had to use a battering ram and confront me head on about my detachment towards him and in the process, open up a dam of resentment. Once that was out in the open, we started to work towards mending our relationship.

Thinking back, would I have done things differently, I think not. How I handled the whole situation was very much me. If I had not withdrawn from DH, I think I would have been a manic mess emotionally. I took care of myself first, the way I know how. In doing so, I was able to see to the needs of our kids.

DH and I are doing fine now. It is constantly a work in progress but we have moved pass that sad lonely period.

For those who are experiencing what I went through, way I see it, you can hope that your guy will see light soon. In the mean time, take care of yourselves. So that when your guy's eyes finally open, he will see the same you or even an improved you instead of a shadow of who you were when you first met. Or if you think that your guy will never change but you do not want your kids to have divorced parents, again take care of yourselves so that you can be a pillar of strength for them. Whatever your decision in a situation like this, take care of yourself first.

It's a sad but amazing story. Thanks for sharing Funz! you've walked a difficult journey.

[toddles]

3Boys:

J you st very distressing to me that people can eter into a marriage and treat their spouse with such contempt. Upbringing is all wrong. Hope our boys take the right things from their parents. We are far from perfect but we have a lot of affection for each other and a lot of give and take, makes it easy.

Not everyone has the luxury of a normal upbringing. there are so many dysfunctional families. in the past, that used to be the norm for the less educated, cos of money problems, gambling, drinking etc.

in future, i think there will be even more dysfunctional families even though a larger proportion of society is better educated. because overall societial morality has declined, people get divorced at a higher rate/ parents who are educated chase careers and money and neglect their kids... children observe dysfunction and most try to avoid it but most end up mirroring that behaviour. it's a sad, sad cycle.

[Chenonceau]

toddles:

3Boys:

J you st very distressing to me that people can eter into a marriage and treat their spouse with such contempt. Upbringing is all wrong. Hope our boys take the right things from their parents. We are far from perfect but we have a lot of affection for each other and a lot of give and take, makes it easy.

Not everyone has the luxury of a normal upbringing. there are so many dysfunctional families. in the past, that used to be the norm for the less educated, cos of money problems, gambling, drinking etc.

in future, i think there will be even more dysfunctional families even though a larger proportion of society is better educated. because overall societial morality has declined, people get divorced at a higher rate/ parents who are educated chase careers and money and neglect their kids... children observe dysfunction and most try to avoid it but most end up mirroring that behaviour. it's a sad, sad cycle.

It says something when a normal upbringing has become a luxury. Sob!!

[hokkiengirl]

applecrisp:

I duno to say I am fuming mad or utterly disappointed with the man I married. I stayed awake the whole night, called his HP man times with no success and as me and mil started to wonder if something had happened, he appeared at the door at 6:30am. He claimed his HP battery was dead, couldn't call a valet and fell asleep in the car.


Am I being stupid here?? Why am I worrying for someone while he's out having fun?? Whilst he apologized for making the family worry, I know deep in my heart he would never be sorry. When he got into the car accident he also apologized. The next two months was back to late night drinking and today's incident is really testing my limits!

If you see someone at work with red swollen eyes, pls dun ask if that's me

Hi, applecrisp,

So sorry to hear about what happened last night. Hmmm, would it help to sit down with him and discuss a code of conduct? Some men are homebodies, and some men (like my husband) are not. But for those who enjoy life outside, they should still adhere to certain rules of behaviour which are acceptable to the family? I'm just thinking off the top of my head, but it could be stuff like he has to come home by 1am, or whichever time you guys are comfortable with, or he should at least be home x number of nights a week to spend time with you, etc. If my suggestion doesn't work, maybe it's time to evaluate the situation and see why what he wants to do is so different from what you expect of him. If you don't mind me saying so, I think his behaviour is really not appropriate for a family man and I think you have the right as his wife to expect more...

[hokkiengirl]

Funz:

Thinking back, would I have done things differently, I think not. How I handled the whole situation was very much me. If I had not withdrawn from DH, I think I would have been a manic mess emotionally. I took care of myself first, the way I know how. In doing so, I was able to see to the needs of our kids.

Hi, Funz!

I totally understood what you wrote!!! That was exactly what happened to me, too! Had to 'shut down' emotionally to deal with the situation first, otherwise, I would have been so miserable I wouldn't have been able to function. While it's great to know others have been through what we have, too, it's kinda sad that there are so many cases around. I wonder from time to time whether it was because my mil spoilt my husband when he was young and treated him like a god while putting herself in the position of the 'ignorant housewife who doesn't know anything'. I didn't say it! Hubby told me his mum used to say it all the time when he was growing up!!! I'm actively working towards 'training' my boys to be useful men around the house so that they will be less likely to be inconsiderate towards their wives. Hope it works. :xedfingers:

[hokkiengirl]

Chenonceau:

It says something when a normal upbringing has become a luxury. Sob!!

After having multiple conversations with many friends of different backgrounds, I have come to the conclusion that a 'normal' upbringing is actually not the norm! It IS a luxury. Many, many of the people I know come from dysfunctional families. (Or maybe I just attract that sort of friends!) The parents don't necessarily have to be divorced; they can be not on speaking terms; they can be on screaming terms; they can be abusive in loads of different ways (emotionally and mentally). Gosh, the list just goes on. It takes real commitment by the couple to continue to love each other so that their little family unit can thrive. In our time (I'm in my 30s), I think parents couldn't be bothered about the niceties of engagement cos they were busy with making a living, which resulted in lots of unpleasant memories for a lot of us now... I'm just sad that it's spilling over into the next generation's lives as well

[toddles]

hokkiengirl:

Chenonceau:

It says something when a normal upbringing has become a luxury. Sob!!

After having multiple conversations with many friends of different backgrounds, I have come to the conclusion that a 'normal' upbringing is actually not the norm! It IS a luxury. Many, many of the people I know come from dysfunctional families. (Or maybe I just attract that sort of friends!) The parents don't necessarily have to be divorced; they can be not on speaking terms; they can be on screaming terms; they can be abusive in loads of different ways (emotionally and mentally). Gosh, the list just goes on. It takes real commitment by the couple to continue to love each other so that their little family unit can thrive. In our time (I'm in my 30s), I think parents couldn't be bothered about the niceties of engagement cos they were busy with making a living, which resulted in lots of unpleasant memories for a lot of us now... I'm just sad that it's spilling over into the next generation's lives as well

Even today, I have friends who have hubbies like applecrisp's... married macham like not married. always drinking/socialising till the wee hours, book own holiday when wife abt to give birth, not there when wife delivering, a few times a night never come home... but the wife says i chose this man.

有时候真的惨不忍睹。。。painful even for a bystander to observe.

[znzyzyzx]

Sad to hear that. I have always thought that the men of the recent generations are mostly the 新好男人. Thought only my father's generation was the only horrible one (he is 80plus), with many men with 2 or more wives.

hokkiengirl:

Chenonceau:

It says something when a normal upbringing has become a luxury. Sob!!

After having multiple conversations with many friends of different backgrounds, I have come to the conclusion that a 'normal' upbringing is actually not the norm! It IS a luxury. Many, many of the people I know come from dysfunctional families. (Or maybe I just attract that sort of friends!) The parents don't necessarily have to be divorced; they can be not on speaking terms; they can be on screaming terms; they can be abusive in loads of different ways (emotionally and mentally). Gosh, the list just goes on. It takes real commitment by the couple to continue to love each other so that their little family unit can thrive. In our time (I'm in my 30s), I think parents couldn't be bothered about the niceties of engagement cos they were busy with making a living, which resulted in lots of unpleasant memories for a lot of us now... I'm just sad that it's spilling over into the next generation's lives as well

[Eagle-Ladybird]

Funz:

Not speaking for applecrisp but from when the time when I was going through something similar.


I knew most if not all the people that DH was hanging out with. We work in the same industry and many of these people were my business associates or some even colleagues or ex-colleagues. There were times when I failed to reach DH, I had to resort to calling some of these people whom he might be hanging out with. It was embarassing both for him and for me.

Point is not so much who he was hanging out with but him making the choice, time and again, to keep hanging out with these people to the point of neglecting the family. Makes no difference even if these are decent people just unwinding over some drinks.

I do think there's a point who he hangs out with. Because, in many cases, feathers of the same flocks together. There are many reasons why a man would go to the extreme of being away from home.

I know of a case (though it was not as serious as what was discussed here) where the wife eventually found out the reason why the husband hangs out drinking because he was struggling with something in his life. Pride and ego got in the way. He was pouring it out with the few guys that he was hanging out with. These guys eventually spilled the beans with the wife.

I personally had a friend in KL, who would call me up at 3am to talk. He was struggling with an issue.

The point is to find out why. I'm not saying applecrisp's case could be solved this way. Neither did I say that one should call these guys. But knowing them gives a chance of finding out, directly or indirectly.

[Sun_2010]

hokkiengirl:

Funz:

Thinking back, would I have done things differently, I think not. How I handled the whole situation was very much me. If I had not withdrawn from DH, I think I would have been a manic mess emotionally. I took care of myself first, the way I know how. In doing so, I was able to see to the needs of our kids.

Hi, Funz!

I totally understood what you wrote!!! That was exactly what happened to me, too! Had to 'shut down' emotionally to deal with the situation first, otherwise, I would have been so miserable I wouldn't have been able to function. While it's great to know others have been through what we have, too, it's kinda sad that there are so many cases around. I wonder from time to time whether it was because my mil spoilt my husband when he was young and treated him like a god while putting herself in the position of the 'ignorant housewife who doesn't know anything'. I didn't say it! Hubby told me his mum used to say it all the time when he was growing up!!! I'm actively working towards 'training' my boys to be useful men around the house so that they will be less likely to be inconsiderate towards their wives. Hope it works. :xedfingers:

Sure will work. So there is hope yet for our DDs

That was the home environment during my childhood, and my brother is all hands on now. I remember during JC days just before my exams , My friend and I were studying together. As the part time helper did not come , my brother was sweeping the floor. My friend was sooo surprised.
But it has its other side too. My brother is a very good cook , far better than me amd Sis-in-law. Can at times get a little competitive inside home :evil: