In-law problems?
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Just keep chanting to yourself. ' they mean well, they mean well, they mean well.' After that, chant to yourself 'they'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon.'
Ok sorry, not laughing at your situation. I know how frustrating it can be. Just wondering why all PILs and even parents like to make home improvements to our homes base on what they like. But again really, that is what they think is good so it is because they mean well.
MIL did the same thing and started sneaking things into my house via DH or my maid. I do not have the habit of leaving food lying on the dining table so have no need for that umbrella food cover thingy but she had to buy like 2 and bring them over and told my maid to use them. We do not take condense milk with our beverages but she will buy like 6 cans and give them to us. I am very selective about the types of detergents I use, be it for clothes or floor as I am very very sensitive to smells. She had to pass some to my maid and told her to use. I ended up with migraine each time I went home as my maid mops everyday. Did not realise the cause until I was home when the maid was mopping, gosh the smell. Poor DH he had to deal with his mother's good intention and my irritation.
When we started rejecting the stuff MIL gave, she made comments like yah lah the things I buy not good enough in your wife's eyes. You grew up with all these stuff also now they are not good enough for your kids. haiz.. In the end, I had to pull her aside and tell her we appreciate her good intentions and not that I do not find the things she gave good enough, but I am peculiar. Told her I am asthmatic so cannot anyhow use stuff and things like condense milk has too much sugar in them so we do not take them. We take fresh milk and turned it around and told her actually now that I know they take so much condense milk, I am concerned since she has high blood and FIL (who has since passed on) was diabetic. Showed her what kind of milk will be better for them. And guess what, she came the next time bearing 4 bottles of fresh milk, the brand that we drink. :faint:
Relax, relax. All these will be over soon. And good thing is your DH is on your side. -
Heheh thanks girls...
ya lor.. just keep chanting to myself.. like mantra like that.. and everynight go around 'undoing' things like little elf like that. So gui gui sui sui in my own house.. if its not happening to me, i would find it funny too. Esp when i caught myself sulking like a kid.. aiyooo.... dunno whether to laugh or cry.
Removed the cloth when i see it... after 2 days, it stayed off. I think she is abit insulted but i dont even bother to explain liao.. my DH still worry it will offend her but i dont go confront her with it, she also not 'brave' enough to ask me why the thing disappear to. Will only continue to have the small \"actions\" and \"commenting\". So dunno if her being timid in confronting me is a good thing or not, i guess if she dont say, i wont do what Funz do and go explain to her also. Cos i dont see why i need to justify what i wanna do in my own home unless pple come and challenge what i do. Like i say, its all those little actions that irks me.
BUt if she does ask, will remember what Chenonceau said about the cloth being worse cos of fungus! Wonder what she will say then.
Today will be an easier day ah.. cos DH booked them onto the great ocean road tour so will be back late. Me, DH and DD can have our usual dinner with no drama at home. :boogie:
fifiyeo: I feel your pain!
I know the old folks means well.. i just wish they respect boundaries also. But in my MIL case, she is really just trying to prove a point i think.. so in fact the \"better\" we say things are, the more she wanna poke holes in it. Thats why i feel cannot say much also. Then esp if my DH is the one saying how good things are, she look more sad and makes my DH feel so bad and guilty so now he turns around and say we should tone down while he go reassure his mother. Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on. -
aurorin:
Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.
Aiyoh, why are men like that? DH is also like that. Not wanting to say things outright and rather leave it to the other party to draw their own conclusion. And I thought men are more straight forward. -
aurorin:
So dunno if her being timid in confronting me is a good thing or not, i guess if she dont say, i wont do what Funz do and go explain to her also. Cos i dont see why i need to justify what i wanna do in my own home unless pple come and challenge what i do. Like i say, its all those little actions that irks me.
You're boss in your own home when you can do things and NOT have to explain. I explained until cows came home and in the end, I figured out that the best way to keep the engagement short (so that risks of offending her is less) is to humbly say \"I know you are wise with years. I know I do a lot of things wrong. But even if wrong, I still want it.\"aurorin:
Let her talk lor... one ear in... the other out... smile and ignore. Nod and listen. It makes her feel reassured just to say it. What you do about later it is another matter. My DH is an introvert. He played his part by nodding and smiling. Then we do what WE think we wanna do. I don't think he ever bothered to explain or to try and gain his Mom's approval because to him, it is \"waste breath\". We were doing things so different from what his Mom was used to doing that there was no way she would have understood enough to approve.I know the old folks means well.. i just wish they respect boundaries also. But in my MIL case, she is really just trying to prove a point i think.. so in fact the \"better\" we say things are, the more she wanna poke holes in it.
DH was the one who modeled for me \"Smile and ignore. Do what I think best for the whole family including MIL.\"aurorin:
Stall them? Smile, nod and look pleasant. No need to say anything. So far it's just hint-hint-hint. Pretend not to get the hints? If asked point blank then say, \"We are seriously thinking about it.\"... which is true. The matter is still under consideration no?Thats why i feel cannot say much also. Then esp if my DH is the one saying how good things are, she look more sad and makes my DH feel so bad and guilty so now he turns around and say we should tone down while he go reassure his mother. Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.
As long as you don't change things in my house, mess with my financials, tell me what to wear, where to cut my hair, and interfere with my kids upbringing, I can smile and ignore everything else. Those were/are my boundaries and I enforce these boundaries. These boundaries are so reasonable that I had no trouble enforcing. I moved my soy sauce back where I wanted it... my sofa back where it was... I told her that I don't like my kids to eat this or that. These things are easy to say and they can't really argue with a Mother's right to enforce.
They just try their luck and once they realize you are clear where your boundaries are and are serious and consistent about enforcing these boundaries firmly and politely, they will learn to respect those boundaries too. -
Funz:
Kekekekeke! But that's how men communicate. Many things are understood. Men don't like to talk things out. With guys they like... they have that sense of camaraderie or understanding that makes communication \"unnecessary\". I find it strange, but that's how men are... I noticed. That's why men don't confide in men as much as women confide in women.aurorin:
Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.
Aiyoh, why are men like that? DH is also like that. Not wanting to say things outright and rather leave it to the other party to draw their own conclusion. And I thought men are more straight forward.
After a while, I noticed that DH's way of not communicating with words but showing our determination through small actions... WORKED. His Mom now largely leaves me alone and we live in the same house with a dual key system. She has her own kitchen and entrance. -
Funz:
Ok sorry, not laughing at your situation. I know how frustrating it can be. Just wondering why all PILs and even parents like to make home improvements to our homes base on what they like. But again really, that is what they think is good so it is because they mean well.
mom doesn't come over and pick on us. She say I'm already very fussy so nothing to pick on.
At least some of your ILs when they are picky, they do the \"upgrading of system\" for you. Mine will stand there and be \"Indian Chief\" giving instructions, point here and there, and you do it. -
fifiyeo:
mom doesn't come over and pick on us. She say I'm already very fussy so nothing to pick on.
At least some of your ILs when they are picky, they do the \"upgrading of system\" for you. Mine will stand there and be \"Indian Chief\" giving instructions, point here and there, and you do it. started out Indian Chief oso lah. But kenna ignored so she promoted herself to Executive Indian Chief and start executing her own improvement plans in our house loh
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Funz:
:rotflmao: ...Epic Indian Chief ..fifiyeo:
mom doesn't come over and pick on us. She say I'm already very fussy so nothing to pick on.
At least some of your ILs when they are picky, they do the \"upgrading of system\" for you. Mine will stand there and be \"Indian Chief\" giving instructions, point here and there, and you do it. started out Indian Chief oso lah. But kenna ignored so she promoted herself to Executive Indian Chief and start executing her own improvement plans in our house loh
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My standard is not too bad…at least I am not a hoarder. If I have Indian chief here, she will tell the whole world what I dumped.
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Chenonceau:
I totally agree on the boundaries part. Like defending borders, you let pple cross it, just opening a floodgate for further incursion into your space.aurorin:
So dunno if her being timid in confronting me is a good thing or not, i guess if she dont say, i wont do what Funz do and go explain to her also. Cos i dont see why i need to justify what i wanna do in my own home unless pple come and challenge what i do. Like i say, its all those little actions that irks me.
You're boss in your own home when you can do things and NOT have to explain. I explained until cows came home and in the end, I figured out that the best way to keep the engagement short (so that risks of offending her is less) is to humbly say \"I know you are wise with years. I know I do a lot of things wrong. But even if wrong, I still want it.\"aurorin:
Let her talk lor... one ear in... the other out... smile and ignore. Nod and listen. It makes her feel reassured just to say it. What you do about later it is another matter. My DH is an introvert. He played his part by nodding and smiling. Then we do what WE think we wanna do. I don't think he ever bothered to explain or to try and gain his Mom's approval because to him, it is \"waste breath\". We were doing things so different from what his Mom was used to doing that there was no way she would have understood enough to approve.I know the old folks means well.. i just wish they respect boundaries also. But in my MIL case, she is really just trying to prove a point i think.. so in fact the \"better\" we say things are, the more she wanna poke holes in it.
DH was the one who modeled for me \"Smile and ignore. Do what I think best for the whole family including MIL.\"aurorin:
Stall them? Smile, nod and look pleasant. No need to say anything. So far it's just hint-hint-hint. Pretend not to get the hints? If asked point blank then say, \"We are seriously thinking about it.\"... which is true. The matter is still under consideration no?Thats why i feel cannot say much also. Then esp if my DH is the one saying how good things are, she look more sad and makes my DH feel so bad and guilty so now he turns around and say we should tone down while he go reassure his mother. Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.
As long as you don't change things in my house, mess with my financials, tell me what to wear, where to cut my hair, and interfere with my kids upbringing, I can smile and ignore everything else. Those were/are my boundaries and I enforce these boundaries. These boundaries are so reasonable that I had no trouble enforcing. I moved my soy sauce back where I wanted it... my sofa back where it was... I told her that I don't like my kids to eat this or that. These things are easy to say and they can't really argue with a Mother's right to enforce.
They just try their luck and once they realize you are clear where your boundaries are and are serious and consistent about enforcing these boundaries firmly and politely, they will learn to respect those boundaries too.
Smile and ignore is abit tough for me. Ignore easy.. smile harder.. :rotflmao: My DH not like yours... he smile easy.. ignore difficult. Hahaha! So that's why things affects him quite a lot, esp when family dont see eye to eye. He always like to be fair and wants everyone to be happy. Sweet guy but sometimes means it is hard for him to put his feet down when necessary cos he dont want to hurt pple's feeling. :roll:
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