2012 PSLE Discussions and Strategy

[fifiyeo]

Chenonceau:

fifiyeo:

In terms of hours, he clocks tons of it but there is no quality in it. He doesn't put in 100% effort so the hours are often wasted doing everything extremely slowly and talking whenever he gets a chance to. I've told him many times, encourage him, used timer, motivation treats, scream at him etc. Nothing seems to work.

It seems to me that your boy KNOWS what he has to do but doesn't FEEL like doing it. The motivation treats may have worked at first but as in the case of many motivation treats, they lose effectiveness over time unless you keep increasing their attractiveness. It's easy for an adult to understand this. Think of yourself KNOWING that you need to work but you don't FEEL like it because your work is boring and stressful. You drag your feet to work. When at work, you unconsciously try ways and means to escape - chat with friends, surf internet... Once a year, you get a bonus but well, unless the bonus is S$1 million dollars, it ain't very motivating.

The truth is... a lot of what we do at work is boring... a lot of what kids do in school is boring. You don't NEED motivation skills if the activity were inherently interesting. Hence, it is no one's fault. It is not your DS' fault for not being able to stay focused. It is not your fault that his work at home with you is boring.

However, boring or not, you still need to motivate him. So how?

May I suggest that you try the following strategy: Shorten the Feedback Loop.

Feedback about progress re-focuses attention and tops up motivational energy. This is way Arcade Games are so addictive. Every time you shoot and hit someone, you can see your points go up. Every time someone hits you, your points go down.

This strategy is useful in cases where the child's battery is flat. This is NOT the strategy to use when you have a full motivated child like my DS. There is no one size fits all solution. The motivation strategy must fit the situation. I kinda took the liberty to read your situation. I hope I have read correctly. This strategy is useful when (a) the child's battery is flat (from having failed too many times) (b) the task is itself incredibly boring.

(1) Seat your child where he cannot see you and you can see him. This means that he FEELS as if he is working alone. It is important to from the start get him used to FEELING like he is alone.... so that you can later transit him into REALLY working alone.

(2) But he is NOT alone. You have him in view and can GENTLY comment if he should lose focus.

(3) However, the key to keeping him focused is in calibrating the length of the feedback loop. When I started my DS on memorizing highly difficult Chinese compositions (so difficult that Grandma, and ex Chinese Teacher, needed a dictionary), I asked for one sentence at a time. Then I stretched it to 2... 3...6. Eventually my DS was able to mo xie a 2000 word compo. It took him 5 days. The feedback loop was 5 days... and he stayed on task throughout.

(4) When he comes to you for feedback, be positive. Smile. Give a big tick next to whatever he is doing. Cuddle him. This feeds him with positive energy... enough to see him through the next short cycle.

(5) Never blow up in any of the cycles. Feeding your child negative energy is like feeding him spring water with a drop of petroleum. If you drink that kind of water, your energy immediately wilts and you feel sick. Feed your child clean and pure emotional spring water so that he feels refreshed every time he comes to you. This allows him to make it through the NEXT feedback cycle. If he has made a mistake, just comment, ask and GENTLY get him to go back and re-do.

(6) When your child receives enough positive energy from you and feels more competent about what he is doing, then lengthen the feedback loop.

(7) Please note that at the end of each feedback loop, he must come to you... not YOU go to him. This forces him to have to get up and move around. This will refresh him a little. Every little bit counts when your battery is flat.

(8) When the feedback loop is long enough, you can discreetly leave the room on the random occasion. With DS, I eventually even went out of the house and he still delivered a good recitation of the Chinese compo to me when I came home in the evening.

Downsides of This Strategy

(1) If used with a fully motivated child, this strategy DEmotivates because it will be construed as micro-managing.

(2) It is very taxing on the Mother.

(3) Others... that I can't remember off hand.

I hope this helps.

Thanks for your feedback. Will put it back in force again next week.

Yes, have tried doing stuff like that with the advise of a psychologist (can't imagine that right?) and it's so tiring. But it's been a ting-tong journey, walking in circles for years. I think I just let him be for the next few days. I need a break.

For your information, today I didn't see him touching his books. Instead he was drawing with his brother. I guess I wasn't in a foul mood so there is no need to be on his toes. This is my boy.

[Chenonceau]

fifiyeo:

Thanks for your feedback. Will put it back in force again next week.

Yes, have tried doing stuff like that with the advise of a psychologist (can't imagine that right?) and it's so tiring. But it's been a ting-tong journey, walking in circles for years. I think I just let him be for the next few days. I need a break.

For your information, today I didn't see him touching his books. Instead he was drawing with his brother. I guess I wasn't in a foul mood so there is no need to be on his toes. This is my boy.

Hmmmm... there is another psychologist in Singapore with a PhD in Human Motivation? As far as I knew, I am the only one. May I know whom? I will PM you for this.

It's none of my business and I dun wanna seem pushy... but you do need to be careful. I know teens (in top schools) who say that once they are adult and can earn a living, they'll move out and GIRO money to their Moms... never to see them again. Don't let schoolwork destroy the relationship with your child. The foul moods that you visit upon your child because you lose control of your anger will come back to haunt you when your child is older and too big to fear you.

Don't motivate with fear. Please? For the sake of your child and you.

Parents whom I have advised in the past on motivation issues always end up telling me... \"My boy is born that way. He needs psychological help.\" Invariably, when I personally work with the child in One-to-Pair Motivation Therapy sessions, the child responds to me and the parent is very surprised.

Don't give up hope on your child.

It may be because your bad temper gets in the way of you being able to properly motivate your child. In my moments of greatest fear for my son's Chinese... in my moments of despair... those were also moments when I had to discipline my emotions so that I could give my son the positive energy he needed to keep going when he didn't FEEL like it. My son NEVER knew how worried I was because all he saw was \"It's alright. Let's keep at it and things will be fine. Stay focused and do what I tell you to do.\"

It's tough on the Mother but it is worth it. Your son will love you more... and be very grateful that you were there... gently by his side when he had no motivation to keep going or stay on task.

But well... please don't get offended. I shan't post anymore... and I wish you all the best.

[PiggyLalala]

Chenonceau:

fifiyeo:

In terms of hours, he clocks tons of it but there is no quality in it. He doesn't put in 100% effort so the hours are often wasted doing everything extremely slowly and talking whenever he gets a chance to. I've told him many times, encourage him, used timer, motivation treats, scream at him etc. Nothing seems to work.

It seems to me that your boy KNOWS what he has to do but doesn't FEEL like doing it. The motivation treats may have worked at first but as in the case of many motivation treats, they lose effectiveness over time unless you keep increasing their attractiveness. It's easy for an adult to understand this. Think of yourself KNOWING that you need to work but you don't FEEL like it because your work is boring and stressful. You drag your feet to work. When at work, you unconsciously try ways and means to escape - chat with friends, surf internet... Once a year, you get a bonus but well, unless the bonus is S$1 million dollars, it ain't very motivating.

The truth is... a lot of what we do at work is boring... a lot of what kids do in school is boring. You don't NEED motivation skills if the activity were inherently interesting. Hence, it is no one's fault. It is not your DS' fault for not being able to stay focused. It is not your fault that his work at home with you is boring.

However, boring or not, you still need to motivate him. So how?

May I suggest that you try the following strategy: Shorten the Feedback Loop.

Feedback about progress re-focuses attention and tops up motivational energy. This is way Arcade Games are so addictive. Every time you shoot and hit someone, you can see your points go up. Every time someone hits you, your points go down.

This strategy is useful in cases where the child's battery is flat. This is NOT the strategy to use when you have a full motivated child like my DS. There is no one size fits all solution. The motivation strategy must fit the situation. I kinda took the liberty to read your situation. I hope I have read correctly. This strategy is useful when (a) the child's battery is flat (from having failed too many times) (b) the task is itself incredibly boring.

(1) Seat your child where he cannot see you and you can see him. This means that he FEELS as if he is working alone. It is important to from the start get him used to FEELING like he is alone.... so that you can later transit him into REALLY working alone.

(2) But he is NOT alone. You have him in view and can GENTLY comment if he should lose focus.

(3) However, the key to keeping him focused is in calibrating the length of the feedback loop. When I started my DS on memorizing highly difficult Chinese compositions (so difficult that Grandma, and ex Chinese Teacher, needed a dictionary), I asked for one sentence at a time. Then I stretched it to 2... 3...6. Eventually my DS was able to mo xie a 2000 word compo. It took him 5 days. The feedback loop was 5 days... and he stayed on task throughout.

(4) When he comes to you for feedback, be positive. Smile. Give a big tick next to whatever he is doing. Cuddle him. This feeds him with positive energy... enough to see him through the next short cycle.

(5) Never blow up in any of the cycles. Feeding your child negative energy is like feeding him spring water with a drop of petroleum. If you drink that kind of water, your energy immediately wilts and you feel sick. Feed your child clean and pure emotional spring water so that he feels refreshed every time he comes to you. This allows him to make it through the NEXT feedback cycle. If he has made a mistake, just comment, ask and GENTLY get him to go back and re-do.

(6) When your child receives enough positive energy from you and feels more competent about what he is doing, then lengthen the feedback loop.

(7) Please note that at the end of each feedback loop, he must come to you... not YOU go to him. This forces him to have to get up and move around. This will refresh him a little. Every little bit counts when your battery is flat.

(8) When the feedback loop is long enough, you can discreetly leave the room on the random occasion. With DS, I eventually even went out of the house and he still delivered a good recitation of the Chinese compo to me when I came home in the evening.

Downsides of This Strategy

(1) If used with a fully motivated child, this strategy DEmotivates because it will be construed as micro-managing.

(2) It is very taxing on the Mother.

(3) Others... that I can't remember off hand.

I hope this helps.

Thank you for sharing. I love reading yr posts on motivation.

[worried parents]

How to deal with over confident child ?

[fifiyeo]

Hmmmm… there is another psychologist in Singapore with a PhD in Human Motivation? As far as I knew, I am the only one. May I know whom? I will PM you for this.


It’s none of my business and I dun wanna seem pushy… but you do need to be careful. I know teens (in top schools) who say that once they are adult and can earn a living, they’ll move out and GIRO money to their Moms… never to see them again. Don’t let schoolwork destroy the relationship with your child. The foul moods that you visit upon your child because you lose control of your anger will come back to haunt you when your child is older and too big to fear you.

Don’t motivate with fear. Please? For the sake of your child and you.

Parents whom I have advised in the past on motivation issues always end up telling me… "My boy is born that way. He needs psychological help." Invariably, when I personally work with the child in One-to-Pair Motivation Therapy sessions, the child responds to me and the parent is very surprised.

Don’t give up hope on your child.

It may be because your bad temper gets in the way of you being able to properly motivate your child. In my moments of greatest fear for my son’s Chinese… in my moments of despair… those were also moments when I had to discipline my emotions so that I could give my son the positive energy he needed to keep going when he didn’t FEEL like it. My son NEVER knew how worried I was because all he saw was "It’s alright. Let’s keep at it and things will be fine. Stay focused and do what I tell you to do."

It’s tough on the Mother but it is worth it. Your son will love you more… and be very grateful that you were there… gently by his side when he had no motivation to keep going or stay on task.

But well… please don’t get offended. I shan’t post anymore… and I wish you all the best.[/quote]



Not offended. Don’t worry. Actually happy that you wrote and reminded me. I just PM you. Would like to chat more with you.

[Peony]

worried parents:

How to deal with over confident child ?

The yaya papaya? Am no expert but am familar with this.
I always remind her of the tortoise and the hare and how the hare loses.

I even have pictures of the tortoise next to her study table.

DD only has this problem with her stronger subjects.

[Chenonceau]

PiggyLalala:

Thank you for sharing. I love reading yr posts on motivation.

Thanks a bunch Piggy! Did you receive the article I sent?

[PiggyLalala]

Chenonceau:

PiggyLalala:

Thank you for sharing. I love reading yr posts on motivation.

Thanks a bunch Piggy! Did you receive the article I sent?

Hi Chen, just checked my email. Don't have the article leh.
Just to share with u. Ds1 and I seemed to have lesser conflicts this yr. though he is still very stubborn over some issues. My friends say it is because he is more matured now as compared to p6 and sec1.

[Chenonceau]

PiggyLalala:

Chenonceau:

[quote=\"PiggyLalala\"]
Thank you for sharing. I love reading yr posts on motivation.

Thanks a bunch Piggy! Did you receive the article I sent?

Hi Chen, just checked my email. Don't have the article leh.
Just to share with u. Ds1 and I seemed to have lesser conflicts this yr. though he is still very stubborn over some issues. My friends say it is because he is more matured now as compared to p6 and sec1.[/quote]That's great! My DS is starting now. He used to be such a sweet Little Boy but I guess he is going into the Separation-Integration stage now. I got scolded for questioning whether he could manage the workload in his planned revision schedule. I backed off... now waiting for him to melt down.

Yesterday, we had an sms exchange that looked like this...

DS: I have Higher Chinese today.

Me: Don't go. Pontang. I will write an excuse for you.

DS: You said I can go.

Me: You know it is a waste of time. But if you insist, go.

DS: I insist. I insist.

I hate the Adolescence Stage. :razz:

Can you send me an email for me to respond to? I think your Firewall may have blocked my mail.

[beanbear]

Chenonceau:

[

(5) Never blow up in any of the cycles. Feeding your child negative energy is like feeding him spring water with a drop of petroleum. If you drink that kind of water, your energy immediately wilts and you feel sick. Feed your child clean and pure emotional spring water so that he feels refreshed every time he comes to you. This allows him to make it through the NEXT feedback cycle. If he has made a mistake, just comment, ask and GENTLY get him to go back and re-do.

:goodpost:

Thanks for a great post. This has really set me thinking a lot.

I like that you've highlighted \"gently\" several times. This is one area I struggle most with. In normal times, I've no problems hugging and affirming my kids. Just in the midst of the teaching/learning process, I find it really hard to be gentle and affirm. Haven't quite figured out why it's particularly hard for me during those moments? Childhood memories?

I've most trouble NOT blowing up with my DD whose in P5. What happens when I as a parent have lost control & say some terrible things in the fit of anger? What might be important steps I could take before I start the whole cycle of learning again? I've tried different things. For eg I made an agreement with DD that I'm not allowed to teach her if I lost my temper so that it gives me a \"cooling off\" period. But I've found it incredibly difficult to maintain my cool especially when dealing with DD.