HOW TO MOTIVATE MY GIRL TO PUT IN MORE EFFORT IN HER STUDIES

[Happy Family2329]

My girl is in P6 this year and she is not performing well in her recent exam despite having tution . Her Maths is extremely bad and am worries that she might not make in for her PSLE . Can anybody offer any advice as to how to motivate her because I've promise her that if she does well in the Exam, I would buy her the her wish lists but apparently she does not seem to put in that extra effort, would like to hear from any parents that encounter the similar problem. :?: :thankyou:

[halost]

hi parents…sometimes buying things just to reward her may not solve the problem…

are you too busy working to care more about her…sometimes is just about your concern to her too…that very impt…get bad result back do you punish or scold her ??

[CoffeeCat]

Is she stressed and burned out? It is unfortunately a common scene that p6 students now are being pushed far towards their limits… maybe this is a counter-reaction.

Is she similarly unmotivated towards other subjects or is it purely towards maths? If is maths only, then it could be that she has great difficulties coping with maths and has just…given up.

[mummy so kiasu]

Happy Family2329:

My girl is in P6 this year and she is not performing well in her recent exam despite having tution . Her Maths is extremely bad and am worries that she might not make in for her PSLE . Can anybody offer any advice as to how to motivate her because I've promise her that if she does well in the Exam, I would buy her the her wish lists but apparently she does not seem to put in that extra effort, would like to hear from any parents that encounter the similar problem. :?: :thankyou:

Encouragement & motivation are the key words. You have to sit down with her & set the goal together. It has to be attainable & realistic. She will not even try if she finds it impossible, especially for Maths. There is only 3 months left, you have to sit down with her to make sure that she does her revision & find our which are her weak topics in Maths & Science. Spend more time in those topics. Do read the 2012 PSLE discussions & strategies at Kiasu parents' site, you will be able to find out how the other mums help their P6 kids during this critical period.

[Chenonceau]

Since we are this close to the PSLE, I hesitated to respond to Happy Family 2329. The strategies I wrote into my book (on how to motivate kids to study) are designed to achieve Drive Ignition and build Internal Drive... and these achieve best results only when consistently used from kindergarten or lower primary. Then, by PSLE, your child will be more anxious than you to squeeze as much practice as possible out of a day.


This close to PSLE, I wasn't sure if anything I could suggest could help so I took some time to think. So here goes.

The notion of emotional contagion is quite well studied by psychologists who spend their whole lives experimenting in the field of Human Emotion - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_contagion. When I find time later today (or next week), I will write up a blogpost (on my personal blog) on Emotional Contagion in layman language. Meanwhile, I hope you can understand the wikipedia link.

Try and imagine that a virtual umbilical cord links you and your child. Through this cord, you feed your child emotional sustenance. If you feed your child hope, joy and confidence... it will energize your child enough for him/her to keep going. If you feed anxiety, fear and frustration... it will sap your child's energy... and when he/she runs out of energy, the next step is impossible to take. Imagine a man starved of food and water for many days. All he can do is lie down and wait for death. Psychologically, this may be the motivational state of your child... she has laid down mentally, unable to continue this uphill battle with her Math... and she is waiting for Death at PSLE.

Now, I am not saying the parent is to blame for this state of affairs. Schools fail our children so liberally (and over an extended period of time) these days that terrible death blows are dealt to our children's motivational levels and self-esteem. Parents who are unaware of the catastrophic effects of Emotional Contagion on their children's motivational levels... also allow their own fear and anxiety to wash liberally over their children's psyches.

The result is a child who has laid herself mentally and is waiting for death at PSLE.

So... how do you get this child up and walking again. I only say \"walking\" because we have no time to build up the resilience of this child's psyche in 3 months (on top of dealing with issues of math mastery).... not enough time to get this child to run the way my DS is running now. DS plans and implements an ambitious study schedule. I actually have to forcibly take work OUT of his planning. We can however get Happy Family 2329's child to stand up and try walking.

How?

Need to go for a meeting now... I will come back and complete this post.

[Chenonceau]

A quick continuation before I rush off again...


How to get her to stand up and try walking. You can try the following steps.

(1) Lighten her emotional burden. Let her know that you understand how challenging the school sysem is and that you don't blame her for not being good at Math. When DS was failing Chinese... I took his burden on my shoulders, saying \"It's not your fault. It's mine. I should have been more vigilant and moved to support you in lower primary. I shouldn't have left you alone to face a school system that NEEDS parental involvement.\" I reckoned that my shoulders are wider and stronger. I can bear the burden better. By taking the emotional burden away, I made his load lighter and he was able to stand up and try to walk.

(2) Make it alright to fail. Mommy needs to look failure in the face and accept it. With courage in her heart, Mommy can turn and tell the child \"Even if you don't do well, so what? There are other pathways to success. You will end up wherever you will end up but meanwhile, Mommy is by your side... and if you flunk out, I will still be there because I have no other child but you.\" This failure acceptance will take away a lot of energy sapping fear from the child. It's like a pain reduction technique where when you reduce pain... the sick person finds strength to get up and walk.

(3) ... I will come back and write this.

[schweppes]

Chenonceau:

A quick continuation before I rush off again...


How to get her to stand up and try walking. You can try the following steps.

(1) Lighten her emotional burden. Let her know that you understand how challenging the school sysem is and that you don't blame her for not being good at Math. When DS was failing Chinese... I took his burden on my shoulders, saying \"It's not your fault. It's mine. I should have been more vigilant and moved to support you in lower primary. I shouldn't have left you alone to face a school system that NEEDS parental involvement.\" I reckoned that my shoulders are wider and stronger. I can bear the burden better. By taking the emotional burden away, I made his load lighter and he was able to stand up and try to walk.

(2) Make it alright to fail. Mommy needs to look failure in the face and accept it. With courage in her heart, Mommy can turn and tell the child \"Even if you don't do well, so what? There are other pathways to success. You will end up wherever you will end up but meanwhile, Mommy is by your side... and if you flunk out, I will still be there because I have no other child but you.\" This failure acceptance will take away a lot of energy sapping fear from the child. It's like a pain reduction technique where when you reduce pain... the sick person finds strength to get up and walk.

(3) ... I will come back and write this.

:thankyou: Chen, for taking time to pen your thoughts down. I look forward to your sharing. I like what you wrote about lightening their emotional burden and making it alright if they fail.

It's not easy. Takes a lot of courage and strength for a parent to think and say that to our child - especially in SG which may not always tolerate failures and less-than-type perfections. It's something that us, parents should practice more often. But I struggle with that.

When my dd was sitting for her psle a few years back and she was under so much stress and pressure, i remember saying this to her: It's ok if you don't do as well. It's ok, it's ok. You are studying hard and already doing your best. And whatever happens, I will always love you.

And I remember she repeated after me, \"u will still love me?\" And I remember hugging her and assuring her, \"yes, i will always love you\".

And, you know the saying, \"a weight lifted off her shoulders\"? well I literally saw that happening before my eyes. Her shoulders naturally lifted. It was really as if a weight was lifted off her. And after that moment, I felt a change and quiet determination in her. Her psle results were way beyond our delight and expectations.

So, I hold true to what you are sharing. And I thank you for reminding me. :hugs:

[Chenonceau]

schweppes... :thankyou:


Here is the last strategy...

(3) Repair the emotional umbilical cord. If a child withdraws completely from the parent, it may be a response to stop negative emotional contagion from coming through the emotional umbilical cord. The link is therefore blocked/damaged. Of all the motivation strategies available for use, it is Emotional Connection that I use most. As long as the connection is strong and allows quick flowthrough, I have at all times a powerful tool to resource my children. Through this cord, I can feed emotional strength, hope and courage. If this cord is damaged, I cannot feed the healing emotions that will help my child stand up again after disappointment and catastrophe. Strategies (1) and (2) above could go some way in repairing this emotional link between parent and child.

[jtoh]

Is there a LIKE button? Thanks for sharing, Schweppes and Chenonceau.

[schweppes]

Chenonceau:

schweppes... :thankyou:


Here is the last strategy...

(3) Repair the emotional umbilical cord. If a child withdraws completely from the parent, it may be a response to stop negative emotional contagion from coming through the emotional umbilical cord. The link is therefore blocked/damaged. Of all the motivation strategies available for use, it is Emotional Connection that I use most. As long as the connection is strong and allows quick flowthrough, I have at all times a powerful tool to resource my children. Through this cord, I can feed emotional strength, hope and courage. If this cord is damaged, I cannot feed the healing emotions that will help my child stand up again after disappointment and catastrophe. Strategies (1) and (2) above could go some way in repairing this emotional link between parent and child.

:thankyou: Chen for sharing