Sometimes Single Parent?

[reemansu]

Well…! Mine is a short story. I have been a proud father of my child and i’ve got a real supportive wife. Still some times, as i’m a building my career in an organization, i was coming late nights some times. Though my wife is supportive many times, she used to frustrate me some times. So, It would be great if anybody suggest me how i should behave in such times. Thanks in advance.

[MMM]

Hi reemansu,


Is your wife working? Or she is a SAHM?

I think there are different frustrations either being a FTWM or SAHM.

But I feel that if you can share with your wife about your work (eg. are you on some projects,etc…, why is it that you need to work late during those time (eg. rushing for bosses’ request, dateline, etc…, the implication of not meeting) she will be able to appreciate better. I always feel that husband and wife are on the same boat. If something happens to the hubby’s job, the wife is also affected. So as a wife, it is important to support the hubby and ensure that the hubby does his job well and vice versa.

In our case, we are both working. My hubby drives me and picks me up from work everyday. Sometimes I do get frustrated if he is late. I am not frustrated that he is working late for work but I am frustrated as I want to be back by 8pm every evening so that I can coach the kids in theiir studies. I told him before that if he expects himself to be late, then let me know by 5pm so that I can plan to go back by myself. Of course I will get frustrated if he calls me at 7.30pm in the office and tell me that he will be late,etc… by then the shuttle service has stopped. The issue I’ve is very simple but it will easily lead to frustration and probably led my hubby to think that I am not supportive of his work. So it is important to communicate.

Also, recently my hubby had to work harder because they had a open position that is not filled. So he has to help to stand in. We are in the same profession so I can probably understand his work better. I told him that if he had recruited the person earlier and be more proactive then probably this thing wouldn’t happen. It was a case of underperformer and they had to let go the person. But the person worked for him for a couple of months before leaving so to me, it was like, he could have got the right person to join earlier and get a handover with the person who is leaving. He is the very cool take it easy while I am the kanchiong type.

[Funz]

It does get frustrating sometimes. DH will call home and tell me he appreciates that I am there to take care of everything. But he does not really pitch in when he is back. Take for instance, there were times when his flight back will touch down at about 3 or 4pm. So it doesn't make sense for him to go back to his office and he will head home. Instead of helping me pick the kids up from their school, he goes to the driving range instead. So I requested that he pick the kids up from school on the days that his flight reaches Singapore at that kind of timing he said ok. But when I called at 6+pm, the kids are not home yet and he is just on the way to pick them up after his session at the driving range. :x


We kind of bickered about him not pitching in at the home front. He said what is there to do? We have a helper and she does all the housework and cooking oredi, there is nothing much you need to do also. That was when I told him our fridge and pantry do not miraculously replenish themselves, the children still need us to tend to them, they do not go to school on their own and come back on their own. They need help with their school work. We are lucky they are still in preschool cos when they start primary schooling they will definitely need more of our inputs. And I do not think I should be handling all these all by myself. And since he feels that all these are nothing much why doesn't he take over handling all these over the next 2 weeks and see how he feels. He opted to pitch in rather than take over.

I think sometimes, the other party just does not realise the extent of what needs to be done or what it takes to get certain things done. Many of the things that need to be done are mundane stuff but it is necessary and it eats up our time. After pitching in a few times, he realise that it is not all that easy.

[foreverj]

hi reemansu


i think its great that you have a supportive wife, but being human, she will definitely need to vent her frustrations once in a while. i believe up to now, there would have been a certain extent of being understanding to each other’s situation on both your sides. hence, telling her from time to time that u truly appreciate her for taking charge and handling the family and kids when u work late would go a long way.

as her husband, u r the best person to gauge how much your wife’s threshold is. if your wife really cannot take your long working hours, then u may need to work lesser and sacrifice the career building part. but make it clear to your wife so its a decision that both husband and wife are agreeable to. no point building a high-flying career when u have no time at all for the family and risk losing the marriage right? the wife also cannot then complain and compare her husband with that of her frens who may be more financially established and hence can provide more for the family.

i myself can identify with what funz and mmm shared. most times, we absolutely understand if dh cannot help with the kids/housework etc cos of work. but if they are home, they similarly dun lift a finger, it just makes us :x i try to see from his view that after a hard day’s work, and he comes home, he just wants to relax and chill. he’s human too. and men being men, they r not like mummies who can sacrifice their relaxing time to make sure the kids’ homework and academics are taken care of and feel they must make evry moment at home quality time with the kids. its just how men and women are created differently. so best is to try and come to a consensus as to hw to allocate the duties and responsibilities. how to stick to the allocation may be an issue. in our case, i take care of things at home and he just concentrates on the earning the money. so u just have to find your own common ground.

hope the above helps.

[mum2princess]

i used to feel :x to be the single parent. though, my ILs live with us, they have did their part when we are working, and it is only right to take over when we are back. they need their rest too..


but i have changed my mindset over time, and i now enjoy every moment with my dds despite still been the single parent most of the time. my dds peferred me over dh, so dh now try to spend more time with them. :love:

[cfan]

Hi


I bring the kids to child care in the morning, I bring them for extra classes, I coach them in their lessons. Of course I have a helper to help me as I have 2 kids.

When they were little, I wash their clothes, bathe them, changed diapers, did housework, breastfed & later on made milk in the middle of the night, take care of them when they fall sick, etc… DH doesn’t know how to really carry them when they were just born. He was very afraid that their necks will break. He needs to sit down and you put baby in his arms.

I try to set aside time on sundays for the kids to spend time with him and when we go out I always ask them to hold Daddy’s hands, this way, he gets what "little bonds" he has with them.

To me it’s all right if they were to look for him when he’s back as the rest of the time they spend it with me… I am also the "fierce" one who will "discipline" them and they know that if they want (eg. sweets or toys) they will ask DH instead of me.

I am also working full time and sometimes don’t reach home till 9 or 10pm. However, now I try to go back by 9pm so I can coach DD1 in her lessons.

Sometimes, I do feel upset but DH is very stressed over work so I try not to "add on" to his "troubles". Trying my best to shoulder whatever I can since I am responsible for my own kids, nobody else is…

[peapot]

cfan, you are such a considerate mother. I have a friend who is almost like you but she’s a SAHM. I also feel like a single parent. I don’t like to go out with my husband everyday but I do hope he can help in coaching his daughter in the school work or help bring her for enrichment but 95% of the time I m the one doing it. I m not talking about couple time but more in helping out. My hubby seems to feel gulity about it that he buys me branded bags and diamonds and fully paid holidays. But my husband do not understand that this is not something what I m looking for. Sigh! That’s why coupled with the fact I have no one but the maid to look after my kid, I make up my mind not to have another child.

[foreverj]

hi peapot


same same here. i shudder at the tot of having another kid and my dh also. sometimes i m really frustrated cos i feel he’s living like a swinging single stil while my life is revolved around our dd. not that i m complaining abt it cos i love my dd to bits, but i do wish he won’t make me feel like i m our dd’s only parent. shouldn’t the child be both parent’s responsibilities?

it doesn’t help that he doesn’t c any prob going out with his female colleagues for dinner/teabreaks etc. frankly he sees them much more than he sees his own wife and dd. by the time weekend comes, he tries to drive us around for enrichment class and visit my parents, he wil complain tired. i dun even dare to complain cos he wil b "not happy". n given he’s the one bringing in the income, i feel i m in no position to complain this, complain that.

sorry, i just need an outlet to vent. hope u ladies dun mind.

[peapot]

foreverj, yes very true my hubby also behaves like no family committment. He goes fishing whenever he pleases. sometimes gone for 2 days overnight fishing. He only gives me 1day’s notice. Well I can’t go anywhere because my gal will be alone with the maid which I don’t feel secured. If I act like him, what’s gonna happen to my gal?

[foreverj]

sigh at least now i know i m not alone. it makes the pain a bit more bearable. i try to look on the bright side of life. life is never perfect. it's our overall outlook that ultimately determines our own happiness.


i thank God everyday for my dd - and I tell her that. And she has already repeated the same to me. She's extremely close to me and that's my saving grace :love:

really, i cannot control how my dh spends his time. he's a grown man and should not be dictated as to how he spends his miserable remaining hours outside of the office. i remind myself to see things from his viewpoint and naturally its not easy. i've considered talking to him abt it but ultimately i figured he'll only feel miserable and stressed out - that he has to divide his time for work and for us. he says he vents his office frustrations to his colleagues so that he won't come home all bottled up with anger. and in the end, we dun see him at all. is there ever going to be a solution? not unless stress and deadlines and uncooperative co-workers are removed from his workplace - which we all know is simply impossible.

since there is no immediate solution, i just have to bite my tongue and cherish my dd more. at the same time to appreciate n understand my dh for working so hard - for us and for himself.