The Big Caning Poll
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A bit curious…is the impact really so damaging to let the dad spank/cane the daughters?
My dad used to spank/cane us. We do fear him a lot.
But despite so, I have never grown up thinking that it is alright to let a man use force on me. In fact, I have always warned DH to never lift a finger on me. -
Yes I cane. Because physically, I am not strong or big enough to separate two fighting boys, and they are louder than me. A sharp stroke on the leg of each while bring them back to their senses. THEN I can talk to them. Canes show them that they have crossed a limit, it is immediate feedback, and once it is over it is over. I am forgetful and will forget if I have imposed a week-long punishment or forfeit.
Caning should not be used for those who will lose control. DH and I agree that he will never cane the boys, because he uses too much force. So only I use it, and I use it sparingly, with prior warnings, and more talk after. I don’t cane the bum. To my kids that is humiliating even though they acknowledge that it is well-padded, so I don’t do that.
Despite the occasional caning, my children are very fond of the canes. They use them as pretend swords, walking sticks and poles. -
In my household, we've never caned our ds. At most, we only smack his buttocks/hands in the early years; even those were rare as the blue moon.
I understand that different households, different rules. For us, not caning doesnt mean spoiling/over-indulging our son; caning just doesn't sit right by us.
For one, we find time-outs less stressful and more effective. Secondly, we hope that wherever possible, by reasoning with ds instead, it'll help him mature faster. Third, we don't him to grow up thinking that it's alright to whack pple just bcos there's disagreement and \"I'm bigger than you.\" Fourth, we want ds to learn to do the rite things for the rite reasons - not bcos of the fear of corporal punishment.
Caveat: though I don't cane, raising my voice at ds [rather frequently] is a totally different perspective altogether. :oops: -
FQW:
Great post!Third, we don't him to grow up thinking that it's alright to whack pple just bcos there's disagreement and \"I'm bigger than you.\" Fourth, we want ds to learn to do the rite things for the rite reasons - not bcos of the fear of corporal punishment.
I saw a list in another thread with 8 points to consider when caning your child:
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?p=289784#p289784.
Point 5 - \"Use it in the absence of any other adults against it or you will be wrongly prohibited and undermined. \"
This point is very revealing. In other words, you suspect deep down it is wrong, so do it surreptitiously, like a bully, when nobody who might stop you is present. Classic behaviour of a bully and a little creepy too.
To those mothers who say they cane but would not allow their DH's to do so (because he might hit too hard), how can you judge how hard to hit your child yourself? Is it by trial and error? What marking or injury is acceptable to you? -
XXXX:
No markings or injuries are acceptable to me. But when dh is angry, even holding their arms can leave a bruise hence we agreed that he does not touch them AT ALL. The rules are spelt out, the reasons, the consequence are known beforehand. It is not a at-the-moment caning.
Great post!FQW:
Third, we don't him to grow up thinking that it's alright to whack pple just bcos there's disagreement and \"I'm bigger than you.\" Fourth, we want ds to learn to do the rite things for the rite reasons - not bcos of the fear of corporal punishment.
I saw a list in another thread with 8 points to consider when caning your child:
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?p=289784#p289784.
Point 5 - \"Use it in the absence of any other adults against it or you will be wrongly prohibited and undermined. \"
This point is very revealing. In other words, you suspect deep down it is wrong, so do it surreptitiously, like a bully, when nobody who might stop you is present. Classic behaviour of a bully and a little creepy too.
To those mothers who say they cane but would not allow their DH's to do so (because he might hit too hard), how can you judge how hard to hit your child yourself? Is it by trial and error? What marking or injury is acceptable to you?
Yes, they should not obey simply out of fear or because I am in a more powerful position. This is why it must be a part of a disciplinary system, not a listen-to-me-now- or-I-will-whack-you-till-You-do. I find that caning is good for curbingimpulsive acts of mischief, but it is not to be used when the child needs help with anger management or feels wronged. The adult has to be as objective as possible. When I am angry, I never hit, and I do not scold. I tell the kids I am angry and disappointed, and I need to think about what I will say to them and what their punishment should be. Inevitably they will come and apologize and sort the matter out. -
i opted for ‘Yes, there are circumstances where it is OK’ although i have never caned my boys before. the most is i smacked ds2’s hands.then when he started to smack me back, i knew that i had to stop.
hubby was never caned as a child (only child), while i was (usual fighting with siblings).
my boys never fight, and now they are old enough to understand reasoning (although sometimes they refuse to listen…or forgets…then let them face the circumstances, my husband said).
wrt to safety issues, we never rely on warning alone, we take pains to ensure that they will not be exposed to such dangers until they are older to be aware of their surroundings. my kitchen is still completely out of bounds to the kids. the only time they enter it is to place used dishes. i am a sahm, so priviledged to be actively involved in dispute management. the last thing the dad wants to see is rowdy/quarreling kids when he reaches home and the kids knows it. their dad is the source of their behavourial check! i do nag and scold severely, but one deadly stare from the dad will send shivers down their spine (but the dad seldom nags or scold them. most of the time only does so when i told him to step in). even more powerful than cane, i guess! -
XXXX:
I do not cane my children.
So you don't believe in caning, but voted Yes in the poll?Sun_2010:
Any punishment meted out where I am in control of myself and the child is aware of the consequence is ok.
Any punishment meted out in desperation is not ok.
I do not believe in caning ,
From what else you say, it seems you do believe in caning.
Anyway, thanks for your response!
But I believe it is alright to use it sparingly if ( and that is a BIG IF) the parent is taking this decision in a calm manner and is in full control of himself, and the child has been warned before hand.) Definetly not an outburst of emotion.
Why I do not cane?
Being an emotional person I do not trust myself to cane.
And also possibly , because I had parents who never caned me or spanked me ( may be few spanks from my mom I dont remember), I couldnt get myself to.
My kids have not yet pushed me there. And Hope they never do.
And lastly I have not yet voted.
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i have cane my boy and girl after serveral warnings when i told them not to do it… and dad will be around…
now i change to ignore them method…they will cry and want me to hug them…and this is when i tell them i am angry with what they have been doing and so on…
now this work ok…cane will only appear if my warnings gone into deaf ears… -
I vote 'No'...
It's a personal belief that any use of \"violence\" (by that I mean inflicting physical pain or using the threat of physical pain) should not be a solution to any problems. That includes disciplining children.
Several other beliefs such as being unconvinced of the efficacy of such methods, possible negative consequences like unintended injuries, modeling undesired conflict resolution methods makes it hard for me to accept using caning (or other forms of corporal punishment) as a way to discipline a child.
I believe consistent discipline can be achieved without it... So far so good.. DD is turning 4 and i am happy with how she is growing up. Looking at how she behaves with us or with others, no one believes she has never had a cane or hand laid on her.. Either that, they think she was born an angel (which I hardly thinks so)... So sparing the rod, doesn't necessary means spoiling the child.
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i used to cane both DS before, but slowly i reduced to just using the cane as a threat since i feel that they have all grown up and more mature.
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