Spouse or Kids? Which comes first?

[3Boys]

So, am I hearing a school of thought that once one is married, one does not need to work to keep the spouse happy or keep the spark of romance alive?

[BeContented]

3Boys:

So, am I hearing a school of thought that once one is married, one does not need to work to keep the spouse happy or keep the spark of romance alive?

I made that mistake once (neglect DH) & I think we nearly got into trouble (or maybe I was over sensitive/suspicious) so I'm more for the same sch as 3Boys'.

[straffan23]

3BOYS: No, I believe that marriage is something that needs to be worked on. Like friendship. Those that we did bother to maintain and engage are still our friends after decades, those that we let busi-ness get in the way most often disintegrate. I do make it a point to go out for dates, movies, steal an afternoon off work to go shopping, etc. But I do know of couples whom their marriage after a long time, is just pure friendship, companionship, and as they put it, a different kind of love. Not bubbling, sparkling champagne, but nice, mellow wine.

[verykiasumummy]

a long term relationship, be it marriage or kinship or friendship, needs regular maintenance…


i’m pointing out to the fact that if the dw puts in her effort but dh is a stray cat, no amount of changing the dw will help…

so as to also say, to be stray or not, depends on the dh… temptations could be around for so many gd men out there but if they r firm, no such EMA will occur, or even get a slight chance…

[3Boys]

straffan23:

3BOYS: No, I believe that marriage is something that needs to be worked on. Like friendship. Those that we did bother to maintain and engage are still our friends after decades, those that we let busi-ness get in the way most often disintegrate. I do make it a point to go out for dates, movies, steal an afternoon off work to go shopping, etc. But I do know of couples whom their marriage after a long time, is just pure friendship, companionship, and as they put it, a different kind of love. Not bubbling, sparkling champagne, but nice, mellow wine.

:hi5:

[3Boys]

verykiasumummy:

a long term relationship, be it marriage or kinship or friendship, needs regular maintenance...


i'm pointing out to the fact that if the dw puts in her effort but dh is a stray cat, no amount of changing the dw will help...

I don't disagree on the first point. But what I am saying is that one can always take steps to mitigate, right?

verykiasumummy:

so as to also say, to be stray or not, depends on the dh... temptations could be around for so many gd men out there but if they r firm, no such EMA will occur, or even get a slight chance...

Can't say that I can totally agree here. Circumstances matter. If the wife is mean, inattentive, humiliates the husband, completely refuses intimacy, might a husband who would be otherwise be content in a functional marriage not decide that he is entitled to seek fulfilment elsewhere? I think the answer is clear.

[sleepy]

MMM:

verykiasumummy:

not to say that all wifes dun hv to change themselves and continue to ignore their men... but even if wife is pretty and intelligent and sexy and no problems at home, that doesnt mean men wun go out n be tempted when the chance is there...

Yes... ever read this article before that one man had a very beautiful and sexy wife however, he still thinks of EMA and also with women who were not as attractive as his wife... So they are saying that EMA is not because of the woman but rather the man (as in his mindset). You can be the most beautiful woman on earth but if your dh has the EMA mindset, he will still cheat.

3Boys:

I understand that it will be difficult for some to swallow. \"Why must I even TRY to hang on to my husband, aren't we MARRIED already for heaven's sake!\"

These beautiful wives are still 'marketable' even if their marriages failed due to straying spouses.

So it's important to look after our exteriors even after being married for donkey years. For our own good, just in case :evil:

[sleepy]

3Boys:

Can't say that I can totally agree here. Circumstances matter. If the wife is mean, inattentive, humiliates the husband, completely refuses intimacy, might a husband who would be otherwise be content in a functional marriage not decide that he is entitled to seek fulfilment elsewhere? I think the answer is clear.

I recalled 2 friends who fit your descriptions. Not sure about the refusing intimacy part. However they indeed 'don't give face in public'. Both had ugly divorces due to ema.

Sometimes it's could be stubborness, such as 'I've always been this pattern ever since courtship days, yet he still loves me. Why should I change? It's his fault that he had a change of heart' and then gone on to put 100% blame on their spouses for straying.

Agreed their spouses shouldn't stray. They should communicate and sort things out rather than seeking the easier way out of their marriages.

But none of us is hero enough to tell these 2 friends directly they need to reflect too

[verykiasumummy]

cant totally apply any theory to everybody… this is not newton’s law…


contributing wife + stray husband = problem
stray wife + contributing husband = also problem
stray wife + stray husband = may not hv problems if they both agree to stray separately.
contributing wife + contributing husband = everlasting marriage…

[sleepy]

straffan23:

But I do know of couples whom their marriage after a long time, is just pure friendship, companionship, and as they put it, a different kind of love. Not bubbling, sparkling champagne, but nice, mellow wine.

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