Husband drinks & stays out late - Does yours?
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applecrisp,
Do you and your family have any exercise regime? I find that exercising help to take your mind off a lot of things, clear thoughts, re-energise and produces happy hormones!
The ideal scenario is to get everyone in the house to exercise as a family for the physical good and bonding! If not possible, maybe you can find time to do it yourself? You will be amazed with the change emotionally and physically.
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Your hubby is an asshole like mine.
For the past 16 years of our marriage, he keeps saying he will change but will didn’t.
He used to come home at 5am to 11am (the next day!!!) everyday in the past. He will off his handphone and give excuses that battery flat! If his battery is really how can he call me to open the door when i locked the door? All are excuses!
Then one day i found out a money transfer slip of SGD600+ to China Fuzhou to a China woman and i questioned him and he denied and said he borrowed $ from this woman and he is just returning to her. Please lah china woman so good borrow you $? I called her infront of him (her handphone number was displayed on the transfer slip). The first thing she asked the phone was: Bao Bei, yesterday did you enjoy yourself at the niteclub? OMG!!! she was so far away in China and yet she knows he went niteclub the day before!!! And yet i as a wife didnt even know. It shows how close she was to him!!! He actually reports everything to her even she’s in China!!!
I found his wallet got those IDD call card. He actually bought the card so he can call her everyday!!! I am so pissed off. Idiot! Bastard! Son of the Bitch! He asked me for forgiveness and promised me he will change. I told him he mustn’t go to pub anymore and he promised me!
7 years down the road from the day i found out his affair and he STILL GO DRINKING!!! He always will apolgoise and said for the sake of the kids and me, he will not touch alcohol or go pub again. He even swear to god and Buddha and everything!!! But he still drinks. He cut down going pub into once or twice a month but ever since June 2012, he went weekly and last month, twice a week!!! I am very angry.
His excuse is networking… NETWORKING??? spend so much $ entertaining people drinking and how many case have you close? He didnt even managed to cover!
I hate him alot and now i decided to divorce him. Cos he didnt care for me. He knows that i won’t be able to sleep if he’s not home and next day i have to work. For the past 16 years, I didn’t have enough sleep. If a hubby loves his wife he will feel heartache but he didn’t. He chose clubbing and alcohol over his family. I have given him many chances and even forgive him for the affair but he didn’t appreciate!
I told him i have depression, i need help but he didnt care. I emailed and even printed him on the article how to help the victim of cheating spouse and depression, he didnt bother to read keep saying he busy. If busy, he got time to go jogging meh? If busy, got time to watsapps ppl meh? if busy, got time to watch tv? if busy, got time to surf the net? All full of excuses!!!
I told him to arrange for counselling as i couldnt get over his unfaithfullness but he didn’t. I really hate him.
Yesterday morning, I told him you better dun go drinking, he said NO LAH, I WILL BE HOME BEFORE 11pm. And guess what? I called him at 10.10pm, no answer, after i called continously for 10 mins, then he picked up and said he said will be back soon, At 11.20pm, I called him non stop again and only after 15 mins he picked up. He said he will be home before 1am. But at 1am he wasn’t home yet!!! I called him at 1.00am and as usual he pick up after i call him non stop. He answered at 1.15am and TOLD ME - I am going home now and now walking to carpark. I have heard his lies many times and many years! I knew he is lying. I have warned him that i will locked the door at 1.50am if he is not home. And true enough as what i have guessed, he was still there when i called at 2am! He didn’t picked up the phone! He was still partying there! Anyway, he came home at 2.30am and the door is locked! I hate him.
Apologised for the long winded story. I am just very sad and wanted to pour out.
Everyone said I am lucky to marry him but to other he is a nice man. But they do not know that he treat other people nicely than me. He will help other woman carrying things but not me. I have to hold my son and also carry the things, he didnt offer to help.
And one more thing, this year January, I cut my knee, 5 cm deep, can see my flesh at 2.00am. I called him, he didn’t answer. He accidentally press the button, and i heard the DJ said: EVERYBODY SCREAM… and guess what he scream! faint!!!. A 42 years old man doing that.
Called him many times but no answer, end up i have to wake up my 2 kids - 5 years old and 9 years old and go hospital myself. Imagine, i one hand using towel to cover my wound to stop bleeding and the other to hold my kids and flag the taxi alone! Even the taxi driver commented that he is an irresponsible man, kids so young and yet don’t answer the call! I had 5 stitches on my knee.
In March last year also, he drunk until he slept on the street and his handphone was being robbed.
There were so many incidents!!! He was an irresponsible man, a responsible man will worry about his family. He didn’t even care. Asshole!
Once again, apologise for the long text. -
happydl,
very sorry to hear your story… actually, women should be independent enough to voice out their sufferings to their man… not because they are superior than us, we cant talk back… it is a new society of equalism… u should put a stop to whatever he is doing and get back to the kind of life that u deserve… nobody owes anybody anything… be strong… -
applecrisp:
its really sad to hear that... do u want to try to have a heart talk with ur dh before further damage is done?? it will be unfair to everyone if u were to call it quits or just suffer alone yourself... u should speak to him, or at least write an email or letter to him to hint him or reminding him about u to see if he changes for the better...I am sorry for reviving this thread again, but i badly need talk.
i am crying as i am typing this ...
in the last 2 months, i thought things had improved for the better after we talked about the issue. Less late nights drinkings, more decent hours. but as i was reminded in an earlier post - it's hard for a leopard to change its spots. in aug, hb came home on 2 occassions at 3:30am and last week, 1+am even though he promised me he would come home before midnight. so i went on a cold war with him for the last week as i was mad that he broke his promise. now, as i am typing, he's out having fun again.
i am very hurt and disappointed. he didnt even apologise for coming home so late (breaking his promise) and still ask me the same question of \"what's wrong?\" when i asked him why he came home so late. it looks like things will never get better.
How do i gain strength to walk through this journey alone?
I come home alone, whilst the kids make my day a little better, it's those moments after you put your kids to sleep that i feel i have no one to turn or talk to.
How else can i improve the marriage when one party is not making the effort?
It's really very sad that his network of friends are more important than family .. -
To happydl
Don’t need to be apologetic…
Everybody has their own story (Jia Jia you ben nan nian de jin)
Nobody can wear your shoes, similarly mine…
Don’t need to hate him, waste of time…
Spend the time focusing on yourself and the kids and prove to him that you all can be happy without him
You cannot help him to live his life nor his decision
He is 42years old, old enough to live the way he deems fit
All of us only have this limited lifespan
If he wants to spend his lifespan doing what he is doing, so be it.
You have absolute control over what you want to do with your life and whom or who you want to care about.
All the best to you.
Peace be to all -
It is always very frustrating when I read about irresponsible spouse.... :mad: :mad:
Pity if it involves children....
How I wish there is a Centre to place all these irresponsible spouse... :rant:
You know when parents cannot control their kids...they will ask the Court to
put their Children into Homes....for discipline..... :please:
So it will be good the Government to setup a Centre to Help these irresponsible spouse....put in under law ..like corrective works order.... -
My best advice to those are :
1) there is no more love between the couple but rather a chore or duty that both party just have to perform their role as parents ie if the man is still suporting the family and wife taking care of the kids.
2) Many older generations parents have gone through worst hardship than the above situation with actual "mistress"living together under 1 household or outside the 2nd home. it is a norm in those days, where man support the wife and kids. But now with better educations and work, it is not to say women are more assertive but less "tolerant". it is a choice either live with it or move out.
3) What is priority- self or kid first. if kid come first, accept the "fact"the present and who knows maybe the man might change after years of such "lifestyle". surely age will catch up and realise family is important . in short, give some allowance for"ërror" no point bugging or nagging, if it works such thing will not happen.
4) Make sure financial commitment from the man is mandatory- otherwise the woman would pick up the mess if the man just leave like that. in short, housing , school fee and misc expense are fulfilled.
5) If the man "heart"is not with u, what is the point of changing him. The answer is dont change accept it that this is part of life experience (good or bad).
6) do your ""job"as a mother or wife- and dont complain unless u have a plan B.
7) accept life is never smooth sailing there is up and down, which could be a down cycle. only time will tell
stop crying and think how to "survive" for the family and kids- what is more important now n the future.
9) late night- take it as this part of the job function - maybe networking and this events will wear out his health sooner or later. be patient.
10) man fooling around is not big deal, just to satisfy his ego and so long woman is not brought home to share bed with u. he can have all his fun outside is fine, so long he does not neglect his function as father and husband.
11) if the man is no longer interested in u, be patient- expand your social circle or network or to meet more people as to keep yourself busy.
12) woman "problem" is they think too much, imaginary or worst case scenario which will become "self prohesy" if confronting or quarrelling which will irritate him.
13) a smart woman should be quiet and let it be- as u know all social circle friend are "butterfly" ie they will leave him if he cannot keep up with those activities or get burned out. trust me, most will burn out.
14) engage in social work or activities or whatever hobby like swimining or reading or anything to keep going during this down cycle.
15) have a life objective- thing that u might want to achieve to complete your life cycle before one hits old age.
16) attend church or whatever religious activites as there are older people who may have gone through worse situation than u to strengthen your mental mode.
these are the advice for those who are experiencing husband drink and stay out. please remember do not nag or confront if you do not have plan B. let it be- his health will deteriorate or get burn out sooner than later than u expect. maybe too much male hormone in his gene- that u may not meet his need or expectation for sex. Most KTV have gone some "services" which is not a surprise 4.00 am or next morning or overnight. just let it be. he will get sick of it when his fun or merry making is over. -
happydl:
Sorry to hear about this. Time to get rid of this loser.Your hubby is an asshole like mine.
For the past 16 years of our marriage, he keeps saying he will change but will didn't. -
3Boys:
Dear happydl,
Sorry to hear about this. Time to get rid of this loser.happydl:
Your hubby is an asshole like mine.
For the past 16 years of our marriage, he keeps saying he will change but will didn't.
so so sad to hear your story. I think you have given him enough chances to save the marriage. Take care of yourself and your kids. You've got to start loving yourself and taking care of yourself before you are driven mad.
Be strong. :grphug: Your kids still need you. -
I was googling everything about alcoholism to codependency. I came across this forum and my heartache to see that so many women out there share the same fate as me.
I am married for 9 years now with 2 kids, 4 and 6. My problem is very much similar. My HB goest to the coffee shop to drink at least 1 bottle every evening before he comes home, he never sits down with us for dinner. On Friday night, he want to be let loose so he can go drink and destress, that’s what he said. It is so common for them to use stress as an excuse to go get drunk. Over the 9 years, intermittently he has gone out at night and come home only next morning.
First few years, i fought with him all the time then when the kids came i tried not to do that in order not to upset my children. he did stopped for a few years where he just go coffee shop daily for his drink but usually he is home by midnight then 4 years back, he started all over again. And he always made me feel guilty for fighting with him like i am such a control freak and not allowing him to have some space and time for himself and his buddy.
I also encountered some hotel charges to his credit card and he claimed he paid for his friend but he himself was only home the next morning! Infidelity, i dont even want to think of it and i was prepared to forgive him.
But last year i tried to divorce him which he objected and asked us to go for counselling, because i still love him and also the kids are at stake, i agreed and dropped the divorce proceedings.
We did went for counselling, there were some slight improvements but never lasted. He learn to be apologetic if on Fri he overshot and only come hom like 3-4 am but to me it is still unacceptable and i am also losing sleep cos i cant sleep whenever he goes drinking. And on Saturday, he is a like a piece of Sxxx lying on the sofa, sleeping till 3-4pm!, wakes ups, go coffee shop again. he didnt do anything with the kids and he used to promise me every Sunday we will go church, well it did happen for a few months and still doesnt last.
From my counselling, i have also learned that he is an alcohold dependent and he is a functioning one so he is very unlikely to admit he has drinking problem. As long as he does not admit it, it will be very hard to change anything and i probably have to live with it.
But on Mon, i had a 1-to-1 session with our counsellor and it is obvious his drinking is affecting our marriage and i am building up resentment on him so now the counsellor suggestion is for me to learn to detach myself and not care for him, hopefully by doing so it will jolt him to realised that he has so much more to loose.
I just want to share with all of you my thoughts. I dont think we should live with it because if you are experiencing the same thing as me, you probably feel angry and resented your husband. u felt like u deserve better than this. The only thing that pains me is if in time to come, this detachment does not make him realise and he continue to drink then i need to make a decision. i dont want to live the rest of my love not being able to have a complete family life for my kids, having to worry for his health and job and feeling neglected as there is no passion or concern in our marriage because he only has this much time for a demanding job, drink & sleep!!