Cold Wars (with your spouse)

[ahkeong]

gosh… just ended a long cold war with my DW


took us nearly 2 months not talking to each other…

[peapot]

Wa! 2 months is a long time. Try not to make that often, it will be bad for the marriage.

[ayeritam1975]

I am new to Kiasuparents.com. stumble upon it when i was googling or alcoholic related topics. i noted in this forum apart from drinking husband, this topic has generated a lot of response which i also can relate to!


It’s sad to see so many wives suffering the same fate. Are there any daddies here? I do believe whatever problem be it alcohol or abusive spouse, man can also be the victim. i know a man who got bashed up by his wife on a regular basis and he actually live with it!

Back to this cold war issue, i wasn’t a cold war person because i am talkative and usually expressive of my feelings but my hubby is the opposite. 9 years into the marriage, this cold war thing was started by him though he doesnt call it cold war, he said he needs time to cool off. Cool off period for him range between minimum 1 day to as long as a week. This happen in the first few years of marriage. Eventually i gave up trying to talk to him or ask him what is wrong.

First 3-4 years i kept asking the same question over & over again, what is wrong, can we talk about it? It affected me and i always take MC or leave because i was too distraught to go to work. i kept on asking myself the same question thousands of time why is he not speaking to me? Gradually i also dont bother to ask especially after my children came about because the focus now shifted to my kids.

Things did gets better sometimes but it also deteriorates quite fast, mainly because i got upset with his drinking binge and he also hardly spend time with the kids. It’s not like he goes out a lot except to the coffee shop downstairs for his beer but he will do this like 3-4 times on weekends. So he will rotate between home & coffee shop. It’s like now u see him, now u don’t. if he has more than a few bottles, by 9pm+ on Saturday, he most probably dozed off on the sofa.

He has never bring the kids to the playground unless it is a school field trip so probably out of my son 6 years life, he brought him 2-3 times! He hardly plan anythign for the kids on weekends, i do the planning and ask him to go but if it is anything outdoor, it is unlikely he want to go. on sunday he only likes to bring us to shopping mall, eat and go home so he can go to coffee shop again!

We tried counselling but i felt very tired & exhausted so if we quarrel or has a disagreement, i just gave up explaining and kept quiet. Now i am trying to be detached, not that i want to wedge a cold war, detach because that is the last resort to make him realised if he doesnt do something about his drinking, he has so much more to loose.

I don’t think it is healthy at all to live under 1 roof with your spouse & not talk or share anything together. if there is no love, concern or passion it is better to go our own way. i dont know how this ‘detachment’ thing is going to affect my children but i am trying to stick to it and put a time frame because if he doesnt realised then it’s time to move on. Like lingg has mentioned that her mum said if u want to get upset, ask yourself what this is going to do to u in 20 years, well i am asking myself in 20 years time, my children are grown up, do i have a life with someone who embraces the bottle more than me?

[ahkeong]

peapot:

Wa! 2 months is a long time. Try not to make that often, it will be bad for the marriage.

trying.. though not easy cos of some wrong things said during an argument..

[cherrygal]

Guys, I don’t know about your egos but it seems that women soften easier when the guys take the initiative to apologize even if they were not in the wrong. Even if you don’t know what you did wrong or you think she’s in the wrong, just apologize (the apology may not be for anything you did wrong but more for causing her to feel hurt or angry). Then she will soften and perhaps even do some self reflection and do some damage control. If both are proud and refuse to bow down, it will hurt the marriage. Try not to let cold wars last beyond 2 weeks. It gets awkward after that.


Just remember, "sorry" is free of charge. A marriage is not about winning arguments.

[ahkeong]

sometimes its not just abt the sorry…


cos at times, u feel that the communication is simply not there, for me at least i listen to the tone of a person who speaks to me… when its not even ‘friendly’ at all, wats there to talk abt?

for example, just a few moments ago…
she asked me ‘can u just help isiah with his diapers or not!!’
sounds ok right? not with the tone she uses, in the first place, i dun even bloody know wats wrong with his diapers, how the hell can i help? and she was just simply beside him, why issit has to be me who helps see wats wrong? its a bloody chore talking to her now

[3Boys]

ahkeong:

sometimes its not just abt the sorry..


cos at times, u feel that the communication is simply not there, for me at least i listen to the tone of a person who speaks to me.. when its not even 'friendly' at all, wats there to talk abt?

for example, just a few moments ago..
she asked me 'can u just help isiah with his diapers or not!!'
sounds ok right? not with the tone she uses, in the first place, i dun even bloody know wats wrong with his diapers, how the hell can i help? and she was just simply beside him, why issit has to be me who helps see wats wrong? its a bloody chore talking to her now

Sorry to say, but you have the completely WRONG attitude.

That woman is not some ordinary friend or some work colleague.

She is someone you married, go to bed with and bore you children.

You owe her some respect. If your communication situation is bad, your response CANNOT be \"Sianz 1/2\", it needs to be \"Oh Boy! How do I turn this around?\"

You can blow me off in this forum if I nag at you, because you don't know me from Adam and you don't owe me anything.

But you can't do that to your WIFE, for pete's sake!

[sunlight7]

Best to settle everything before going to bed.

I am in fear of cold war, its so awkward and chilly, its no fun for everyone - the parents and the kid(s). :hugs:

[Imami]

ahkeong:

sometimes its not just abt the sorry..


cos at times, u feel that the communication is simply not there, for me at least i listen to the tone of a person who speaks to me.. when its not even 'friendly' at all, wats there to talk abt?

for example, just a few moments ago..
she asked me 'can u just help isiah with his diapers or not!!'
sounds ok right? not with the tone she uses, in the first place, i dun even bloody know wats wrong with his diapers, how the hell can i help? and she was just simply beside him, why issit has to be me who helps see wats wrong? its a bloody chore talking to her now

Ahkeong, before this episode, is there any other incident? My guess is - she was already pissed with you before this incident.

[ahkeong]

Imami:

Ahkeong, before this episode, is there any other incident? My guess is - she was already pissed with you before this incident.

maybe lo.. but the main problem is, we are not even talking much nowadays, so even if there was something she is not happy with, it wasnt voiced out

3Boys:

Sorry to say, but you have the completely WRONG attitude.

That woman is not some ordinary friend or some work colleague.

She is someone you married, go to bed with and bore you children.

You owe her some respect. If your communication situation is bad, your response CANNOT be \"Sianz 1/2\", it needs to be \"Oh Boy! How do I turn this around?\"

You can blow me off in this forum if I nag at you, because you don't know me from Adam and you don't owe me anything.

But you can't do that to your WIFE, for pete's sake!

most of the time, its wake up, send kids to school, send her to work.. den work.. after of which, pick up the kids, come home, do some housework and revise schoolwork, sleep..

simply no time to sit down and trash things out at all..