Extra Marital Affair

[CrazyDad]

insider:

I entered my marriage in my best feelings about LOVE that I am going to marry the man whom I am going to be with for the rest of my life. However, somehow still managed to keep my two eyes wide open.


I married at around aged 26. After marriage, I still keep my job though my husband can fully support me comfortably (used to be chauffeured around in a Jaguar / Merz / etc). Somehow, I am concerned about maybe he may suddenly pass away one day (he is 10 years older than me) or somehow maybe he would engage with extra marital affair one day, I asked for monthly allowance of about 70% of his salary per month to ‘maintain the house’. I reviewed his insurance policies to make sure that I will be well provided in the event that if anything goes wrong. All the insurance policies that were subsequently purchased are all with me as the owner of the policy and he as the life insured (meaning I am the one who owns the policy and not him and he can’t do any hanky panky thing in whatsoever manner).

Then the children arrived one after another but I still continue to work and asked for ‘allowance’ to be increased. Basically I know how much he can draw from his company per month and I increased my monthly ‘drawings’ from him to about 80% of his salary (most of his expenses can be reimbursed from his company and 20% of his salary is enough for him to buy his own monthly stuff). He gives all these to me ‘willingly’ (inverted commas coz I assume it is ‘willingly’ and can’t be 100% sure that it is really so). But basically I manage the $$$ of the house and he seems like gladly allow me to do so.

I have a group of very close girlfriends. 6 of us grew up together since secondary 1. We share many things, including of clothing, shoes, books, etc. We have known each other for more than 30 years since then till now.

During one of my girlfriends’ wedding, my girlfriend X was drunk. I got my husband to send her home. During that trip, something happened in the car along Changi Road.

X confessed to my other girlfriends the next morning. They got me out for a talk. I was totally caught off guard when X told me what happened in the car between herself and my husband. Somehow, I was still managed to maintain my cool without a breaking down in front of them. I told them I needed time to think about the whole incidence. (now to think back, my ability to maintain my cool maybe due to the reason that I know I will survive well even if I have to go through a divorce with all those financial arrangements that I have made for the past so many years and so financial woes are not in the picture and so more ‘secured’ in a way).

I started to ‘plan’ my actions before calling him back for a confrontation. I have this ability to be 'calm' at times of 'disasters' (this is one of my greatest assets).

I got him to explain what happened the night before. He told me he was not sure how he would end up having a sexual relationship with my best friend in a car, added that alcohol must have affected his judgment (btw, X is a very sexy and pretty lady). He said he wanted to confess to me but worried about the consequences. I told him I wanted a separation for the time being to sort out my thoughts. I shifted out with my two young kids to a rented place and stayed there for about six months. While in the meantime, I didn’t contact X though still in touch with my other girlfriends who told me that X was really remorseful though they could understand it was difficult to forgive such an act.

I continued to work and functioned as normal as I could with the help of a very good maid whom one of my girlfriends ‘loaned’ her to me. I know my husband and X very well and both are not that sort who will purposely do things to hurt me. So what made that incidence happened was really a puzzle to me. Basically both love and care about me.

Someone entered my life during these six months. Probably I purposely let my heart opened and I met this chap who is 5 years younger than me. I was being wooed like a young girl one more time and I had to admit that re-living my youth was good. I was attracted to him and he knew that I was married with two kids then and under separation condition with my husband. That kind of he didn’t mind words, etc, were told to me and he even brought me to meet his parents. My head did swell but my feet were still firmly on the ground. Somehow, something was not right somewhere and I told myself to WAKE UP! Then, I parted with him nicely to say that my husband and my kids are still my first priority as a mistake like that was not serious enough to sentence him to death and I should not ‘punish’ him in such a way by also going astray.

That short infatuation gave me an important lesson. That people sometimes can lose their big picture if they can’t hold on that image deep in their mind. I almost did the wrong thing too and so I got to accept mu husband and X and decided that I would not want to pursue the matter any further (actually I was very bothered by the question of who ‘seduced’ who in the car FIRST during that time?).

My husband actually knew that I was seeing someone else during those months and I guessed he was terrified instead of angry. We had a good talk one day and I made him signed an agreement that in the event of divorce due to whatsoever reasons, he will not contest with me about the custody of the children as well as an irrevocable agreement that all his fixed assets will belong to me. He signed and we moved on forward.

The incidence was many years back. It does have a kind of shadow in me but it’s not such a bad one. I reconciled with X too and today we are still the best of friends. My husband and X still will meet now and then during festivals and occasions but I doubt anything will happen between them again as both should have learnt their lessons.

Overall, I feel as humans, we make mistakes. Whether the heart of a husband still belongs to a family or not, a wife should know better. I have never doubted that my husband doesn’t love me anymore (he doted on me like a princess during those days) and that my best friend X will purposely betray me. The separation of about 6 months was a punishment for both of them while in the meantime trying to find my position and standing. As long as a wife knows that a husband’s heart still belongs to the family, a fling or two maybe acceptable (though still hurtful but these flings really don’t deserve a divorce). But if a husband’s heart is no longer in the family, then to me is always no point to carry on…

Given an incidence like this, I can choose to lose both my husband and my best friend or choose to have them both. Having them both still makes me a much happier person…

Hi Insider,
From your story, you are a definitely a very wise lady and a winner. But your every move has been so meticulously planned without being influenced emotionally, so much so that there is a lack of real romance. A romance that make a couple want to live by eating plain bread, just to be together.....

[blurqueen]

kiasimom:

For me, extra-marital affair is a total no-no for me.

No matter how remorseful my DH is after he commits the act, I will not forgive him.
Even though we have two children, that's besides the point.
if I am in his mind, he shouldn't betray me.

That's my stand.

I too felt strongly that way until I found out my husband was having an affair with someone he knew from work. The usual foreign girl who portrays herself as pitiful and lonely, very much in need of love type. He said he strayed because he wanted to feel how it's like to be wooed (meaning he's being seduced by her).

I never screamed or shouted at him over this. Just asked him what he did he think he was doing and wanted to do now on? He said he told her it's over, wife found out. I told him, why not let's call her out and meet for breakfast and talk. I wanted to see how involved they are emotionally. He said/lied she terminated all her lines and can't call through anymore. So there goes my chance of meeting this younger woman. Friends think i'm too cool ... must be mental liao At 3am, I went jogging till I started crying, shedding my 1st tear.

When I got back, I said fine, let's not fight, I'll call my lawyer first thing in the morning and prepare our divorce papers. I'm not sure if he's terrified about this blowing up or losing me. He promised me it's over. Few days later, I told him, we can try to make this marriage work again but on the condition that he woo me again. Go for movies, talk and walks, things people do on dates. I felt it's important to start communicating again. I was shocked when he said \"no! so stupid, childish and fake\". Fine, so I said we'll live on as a couple but lead separate lives. Take a year's break emotionally. During this year, we're free to date anyone, no questions asked.

During this time, I had 3 marriage proposals from guys I've known since school days but I thanks them for being so sweet but no thanks. I played a lot of golf alone hoping to meet new guys but I realised too late that most mistook me as a JC kid and thus no one approached me :stupid:

End of the 1 year, he cockily said \"see, 1 year liao, you're still not dating, if I don't want you who will?\" Things between us was more bitter than ever with him trying to find fault with me in every ways. As it was nearing my exams (further studies to distract myself), I packed my bags and left. I know my kids are in good hands as my mom lives with us. This move really scared him that I'll never come back. Then, the most unimaginable happened ... he started wooing me.

Despite being rather bitter about it, I took deep breaths and gave him another chance. We tried to be really nice to each other (honestly, felt fake at first but it got more natural and real). We made huge efforts to communicate although sometimes, certain topics may hurt but it's good to face it. We could tell both parties are making conscious efforts and we start to appreciate it and each other.

Sometimes, when one party strays, it doesn't mean the end of the world. Sometimes, it simply makes us stronger and strangely, the bonding tighter. I guess with time, he'll learn to appreciate me and my effort and the heart to forgive him. I do feel insecure at times still and I do tell him about my feelings. He knows and makes up for it. Never let guys guess what's bothering us, tell them what we feel. This way, we don't build resentment.

Everyone makes mistakes and when we make mistakes, we hope we're forgiven, and as such, we should also learn to forgive. Being said, forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another. No one can ever erase memories like that but we can work hard at trying to erase the hurt and be a happy soul.

[Andaiz]

blurqueen:

I too felt strongly that way until I found out my husband was having an affair with someone he knew from work...I never screamed or shouted at him over this. Just asked him what he did he think he was doing and wanted to do now on? He said he told her it's over, wife found out. I told him, why not let's call her out and meet for breakfast and talk. I wanted to see how involved they are emotionally. He said/lied she terminated all her lines and can't call through anymore.

blurqueen, you are not so blur afterall!

Your story is an inspiration as to how calm one can get. You're right in saying that communication is the key! :celebrate:

blurqueen:

I guess with time, he'll learn to appreciate me and my effort and the heart to forgive him. I do feel insecure at times still and I do tell him about my feelings. He knows and makes up for it. Never let guys guess what's bothering us, tell them what we feel. This way, we don't build resentment.
Everyone makes mistakes and when we make mistakes, we hope we're forgiven, and as such, we should also learn to forgive. Being said, forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another. No one can ever erase memories like that but we can work hard at trying to erase the hurt and be a happy soul.

To forgive divine, to forget...that's a totally different matter but YES, we do have a choice...thanks for sharing from the heart!

[tankee]

we should all remember that we have promised to love and cherish our spouse, and to death till us part. Thus we should never ever allow ourselves to be near any situation that we could be tempted, let alone commit an adultery. Even our spouse would to forgive us for our "mistake", how could we forgive ourselves for the hurt that we had caused?

[ZacK]

blurqueen:

Definitely not blur IMO ... Level headed and wise :celebrate:

[autumnbronze]

Hi blurqueen,


Agree with Andaiz and Zack .... you are not blur, but v CLEAR

Thx for sharing.

[buds]

tankee:

we should all remember that we have promised to love and cherish our spouse, and to death till us part.

Well... people being people, people tend to forget.
And frankly not even close to death yet.. still alive and kicking..
And yet..... people forget. :roll: And then the typical excuse of
transgressions come in... again...

tankee:

Thus we should never ever allow ourselves to be near any situation that we could be tempted, let alone commit an adultery.

Temptations are everywhere... the spanking neu colleague at work whose
helpless, pitiful, and gee... happen to be pretty hawt too... :roll: The boss
who is so powerful hunky and single... The occasional drinks out at the
club... The moment of drunkard-ness and the issue with the spouse which
leads to momentary temptations... Social networking... Escort agencies...
Pornography... Swingers... :roll:

It's hard not to be near any situations. Hence the temptation to commit
adultery seems too easy.

The phrase \"see no touch\" is no longer impossible. It's just too easy.

tankee:

Even our spouse would to forgive us for our \"mistake\", how could we forgive ourselves for the hurt that we had caused?

Forgive? Hmmm... :idea:

Forget? No way.

Most of the time the party that has to forgive and forget,
simply moves on. Not so much forgive and forget. I mean,
get real lar..... how to, right? Life wud never be the same agn.
The stabbing pangs will stay no matter what. It's whether we work
it out good till the next transgression sets in (God forbid!) or it just
goes with the flow day in and day out..... till death do couples part.

I find if a so-called moment of folly or follies can happen once or
more.... :roll: to the point of being found out.... the itch of those
saucy moments will find its way to creep back in...

Tho' the blurred memory of the past still exist no matter what, we
cannot allow ourselves to wallow in the past to move forward. All
we can do is learn from the lesson and rise up stronger.

Blurqueen, you have my respect for wanting to keep it going. Though
it is definitely possible to work things out, the process of getting there
is hell rough. And the self esteem gets kinda burnt out and takes time
to toughen up. U are your own person. U decide how you want your
life to be and work on it. U blurqueen have considered, provided the
opportunities of too many a second chances... and finally u have
decided... I dun think you're blur. You're the queen. :salute:

Checkmate.

[autumnbronze]

buds:

Blurqueen, you have my respect for wanting to keep it going. Though
it is definitely possible to work things out, the process of getting there
is hell rough. And the self esteem gets kinda burnt out and takes time
to toughen up. U are your own person. U decide how you want your
life to be and work on it. U blurqueen have considered, provided the
opportunities of too many a second chances... and finally u have
decided... I dun think you're blur. You're the queen. :salute:

Checkmate.

Well said, Buds ....

[mommyNg]

haiz... I think I'm the blur one..... maybe I didn't read all the postings carefully .... I paiseh to ask.... but can someone please enlighten me... how do you *know* if your DH has strayed? :oops:

[kiasimom]

I noticed that when DH has strayed, most of the DW will forgive them. But if it is DW who has strayed, most DH will not forgive their DW.

Why?