In-law problems?

[Eagle-Ladybird]

If I may put in my 2 cents worth:


I think it’s important for the man in the family to stand firm on certain principles, and lead by example. Me and my wife went through Pre-Marital Classes, where topics of all kinds are dealt with, including managing In-Laws. Nothing new as we have heard many stories (pretty much like this thread), but it served as an awakening call in a more urgent manner.

My thoughts were, that I’ll take the lead to lay ground rules for MY parents. I told my mum and dad that WE will live our lives the way we want it to be. They can "voice" their advise, and we will hear, but ultimately WE reserve the right to decide. And when they come to my house, the HOST dictates. And I told my mum with NO UNCERTAIN terms that, if I’m put in a situation to decide between my wife and my mum, my wife prevails. My parents GOT the message, and they agreed whole heartedly.

Of course, in reality, both sides exercise high levels of respect and sensitivity to each others.

As for my PIL, my wife knows my "principle". She may not be as "hard" as I’m to my parents, but she will also "shield" things from going beyond the line - which is not often.

So my point is, it’s always easier for the child to STAND UP against parents, than it’s for the spouse cos "blood is always thicker than water". How long can a parent be mad with his/her own children. Many a times, "mistakes" are made when the child concerned failed to do so.

Of course I must qualify that, it helps when we live on our own. I’m also very fortunate to have probably the best PIL in town. I enjoyed a tremendous relationship with my PIL so much so that I’m inspired by them, as to how they live and conduct their lives.

[Andaiz]

Eagle-Ladybird:

If I may put in my 2 cents worth:


I think it's important for the man in the family to stand firm on certain principles, and lead by example. Me and my wife went through Pre-Marital Classes, where topics of all kinds are dealt with, including managing In-Laws. Nothing new as we have heard many stories (pretty much like this thread), but it served as an awakening call in a more urgent manner.

My thoughts were, that I'll take the lead to lay ground rules for MY parents. I told my mum and dad that WE will live our lives the way we want it to be. They can \"voice\" their advise, and we will hear, but ultimately WE reserve the right to decide. And when they come to my house, the HOST dictates. And I told my mum with NO UNCERTAIN terms that, if I'm put in a situation to decide between my wife and my mum, my wife prevails. My parents GOT the message, and they agreed whole heartedly.

Of course, in reality, both sides exercise high levels of respect and sensitivity to each others.

As for my PIL, my wife knows my \"principle\". She may not be as \"hard\" as I'm to my parents, but she will also \"shield\" things from going beyond the line - which is not often.

So my point is, it's always easier for the child to STAND UP against parents, than it's for the spouse cos \"blood is always thicker than water\". How long can a parent be mad with his/her own children. Many a times, \"mistakes\" are made when the child concerned failed to do so.

Of course I must qualify that, it helps when we live on our own. I'm also very fortunate to have probably the best PIL in town. I enjoyed a tremendous relationship with my PIL so much so that I'm inspired by them, as to how they live and conduct their lives.

Good for you, Eagle Ladybird. We also went for such PMC - only thing there should be one to educate the PIL's too.

[Eagle-Ladybird]

Andaiz:

Good for you, Eagle Ladybird. We also went for such PMC - only thing there should be one to educate the PIL's too.

You're absolutely right. In fact, at the time when we're attending the session, they were planning to start a course for PIL-to-be, as they saw a need (must be) to do so. I thot that was great but I did not follow up . . . I guess my turn will be in 20 years (or more, hahaha)

[Andaiz]

Eagle-Ladybird:

Andaiz:

Good for you, Eagle Ladybird. We also went for such PMC - only thing there should be one to educate the PIL's too.

You're absolutely right. In fact, at the time when we're attending the session, they were planning to start a course for PIL-to-be, as they saw a need (must be) to do so. I thot that was great but I did not follow up . . . I guess my turn will be in 20 years (or more, hahaha)

:love: we just have to keep reminding ourselves when the time comes not to exasperate our Children and Children in law...mebbe we should start a KS-in-laws.com portal, eh?

[cafelatte]

Eagle-Ladybird:

..So my point is, it's always easier for the child to STAND UP against parents, than it's for the spouse cos \"blood is always thicker than water\". How long can a parent be mad with his/her own children. Many a times, \"mistakes\" are made when the child concerned failed to do so...

I totally agree with the above point! It is really fortunate you have laid ground rules clearly and is willing to stand up against your parents.

Eagle-Ladybird:

..I told my mum with NO UNCERTAIN terms that, if I'm put in a situation to decide between my wife and my mum, my wife prevails.....

My dh made the same point to his mum but unfortunately we did not have your wisdom to lay the ground rules right from the start and it was during a major disagreement. Needlessly to say, the MIL didn't take it very well.

[kiasimom]

Maybe they should organise a PIL class and advise prospective PIL on how to be a better PIL

[mathsparks]

Hi,


just curious for those who live with their pils, how’s the decision made for which son they live with?

Is it based on tradition and would that be the eldest or the youngest son’s responsibility? Or does she stay with the child with extra rooms?

[kiasimom]

mathsparks:

Hi,


just curious for those who live with their pils, how's the decision made for which son they live with?

Is it based on tradition and would that be the eldest or the youngest son's responsibility? Or does she stay with the child with extra rooms?

I guess based on favouritism.

[GreenQ]

mathsparks:

Hi,


just curious for those who live with their pils, how's the decision made for which son they live with?

Is it based on tradition and would that be the eldest or the youngest son's responsibility? Or does she stay with the child with extra rooms?

After my fil passed away, mil (has 2 sons) stays with her elder son who earns more than my DH in week days. She will stay with us in weekend.

She rents out her whole hdb unit for abt 1.8k per mth. So she is financially independence. Gd decision, right?

At least gd for her 1st dil, coz she is working. So when she rest at home during weekend, mil is with me. Then for me, good too as I only meet her during weekend, so less conflicts.

[Eagle-Ladybird]

cafelatte:

My dh made the same point to his mum but unfortunately we did not have your wisdom to lay the ground rules right from the start and it was during a major disagreement. Needlessly to say, the MIL didn't take it very well.

Yes, I can imagine so.

Such \"cold blooded points\" are to be made during peace time, and it's important to have Dad around (I may sound sexist, but Dads are generally more understanding when it comes to such issues. Most In-Law problems involve MIL . . . . :siam: )