In-law problems?

[Eagle-Ladybird]

ks2me:

Wife he can replace, mum he cannot ..... Incidentally, I guard my parents the same way, no way can my spouse show disrespect to my parents

Hahaha, it's so common to hear this notion :lol:

But jokes aside, as much as most of us would like to think that way (some would even feel strongly that way), there's an alternate view to marriage. Marriage is about 2 persons, \"leaving\" their parents to become one. And this \"leaving\" means emotionally and physically - which means, spouse take precedence over parents after marriage.

Having said the above, it does not mean married children has to forsake their parents, or compromising filial piety.

I used to make it a point to back to KL to visit my parents every month. And most of the time, is over the weekend i.e. drive back Friday evening after work, and return by Sunday afternoon. This continue even after my marriage, and my wife is very supportive. I consider myself fairly filial (ah hem), and fairly important to my parents as I'm the only son'

But when my wife became pregnant, the frequency of my trip reduces substantially. And when my kids come along, it dwindled to maybe 2/3 times a year. Now, I don't love my parents any lesser, but my priority must be my wife/family - and looking back, that's what it is.

While it's true that Mum (and Dad) is irreplaceable, we have to learn to \"let go\" as we moved on in life with our life-long partner - and that's what our spouse is meant to be. And this is the hardest part - you have to \"believe\" in it that view, so as to put your spouse first - and I'm still learning :oops:

[buds]

kiasimom:

Poor buds,


I can understand how you feel.
That's why before I married DH, one of the criteria is NO living with PILs.

Oh nooo.. no need to poor me. Am just sharing aloud. :oops:
But you're lucky that you don't even have to begin Day 1 with any adult supervision. Hehee..
Good for you, really. :celebrate:

kiasimom:

It si not easy to live under one roof.
Your DH is a really fillial son and for fillial son, mom always come first.

Yes! And IT IS a great thing, really!

It reflects how strongly mom & son is bonded.
Hopefully our children are that tight (closely knit) with us too... in future
when they have lives of their own. We don't have to be the centre of
their universe, but close at heart and mind and always in prayer wud
suffice. Like me and my family, though i don't get to see them all the
time as much as i'd want to... we all keep in touch via email and sms.
Occasionally, even if hubs doesn't wanna tag along or if he's busy,
me and the girls will simple call and tell them we wanna drop by to
catch up on things or let's go out and makan + chat. And when
we do meet, we'd part with lotsa tight hugs and kisses to last till our
next meet up. :hugs:

And frankly, him honestly telling me to my face abt the number 1 thingy...
if you ask me i actually do not mind it greatlyl.. it's just that it has not been
a fantastic ride with MIL and it sorta creates stronger frequency \"waves\"
knowing hubs will always be on her side. I just feel somewhat slighted
sometimes and i just have to bear with it lest i be chopped petty or whiny..
which i'm not. Just that sometimes, it feels like she is purposely
trying to test my boundaries and the limit my patience can take. At times,
even when i don't say anything, she'd try to provoke by saying something..
And when i don't reply or just keep quiet cos i do not want to pick up on a
fight, she'll sigh aloud that i'm rude. So, damned if i do and damned as
well even if i don't. Eventually, over the years i learn to filter..

kiasimom:

They will tell you they have ONE mom only.

Doesn't everyone? :!:

kiasimom:

So take it easy, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel one day.

I have. All 7yrs of it. And it has only made me stronger as a person.
So, i suppose indirectly... it was good for me? Hahaa! :lol:

kiasimom:

Have faith in GOD and yourself.

I do. :love:

kiasimom:

You can do it! :celebrate:

Thanks, kiasimom. :hugs:

I've made it this far didn't i.. :celebrate:

Guess a few more years down this same road ( ) wouldn't hurt... not that much, i hope... no? :politebleah:

More bullet-proof perhaps?

[kiasimom]

Exactly buds, you have come a long way and you should have mastered the level of tolerance! Hey hey, don't forget you are a grandmaster III ...kekeke


You have attained the state of nirvana and no bullets can hurt you.
I know it irks you but come to think of it, without MIL you won't have hub.

Hub is the one whom you will spend the rest of your life with. Don't risk your relationship with hub because of MIL.

We know deep down , we will be the loser no matter how right we are :snuggles:

Not to worry, you will not walk this path alone, you have many comrades here who will lend you their listening eys, eyes and fingers :celebrate:

[corneyAmber]

EN:

[quote]That said, MIL is a perennial issue for many and I don't think I can escape either. My problems are a little unusual, MIL could not stand my house because it was too nice for her to feel comfortable in it. I can write a story about it. I get slammed for doing a good job in my house, I also get slammed if I get a little messy.

MIL used to be like that. It's definitely better that way. Why? She now suddenly realize how comfortable my place is, she loves my cooking too and what's more, EN drives. EN can be her personal driver too. :faint:[/quote]Unfortunately, mine has no such realisation yet even though everything is indeed better, but there are no major issues, so I can just look over my shoulders and treat these as trivias.

[corneyAmber]

Eagle-Ladybird:

But jokes aside, as much as most of us would like to think that way (some would even feel strongly that way), there's an alternate view to marriage. Marriage is about 2 persons, \"leaving\" their parents to become one. And this \"leaving\" means emotionally and physically - which means, spouse take precedence over parents after marriage.

I agree with you on the marriage concept and the vow we took to become one. However in SG where proximity is close, it has its pros and cons. Close enough to get alot of family support when needed but too close for comfort when it comes to imposing on our lifestyles. For me, since I am a mom now, I feel that if I think in terms of a mum's view, I will pretty much leave the mother-son bonding alone and lessen the torn-in-between burden for my dh.

[buds]

foreverj:

hi dear buds

Heyya there, foreverj. :hugs:
Long time no see..

foreverj:

i've never seen so many sad faces in your posts b4 i can feel your sorrow becos sigh, when i was a little girl, i felt the hurt and pain of my mum for having to live with my dad's family. and i mean the entire clan ok? meaning the SILs and the BILS etc, on top of her MIL. and it was for a good 15 years :!: i always salute my mum for taking all that!

Err.. i didn realize the many sad faces until you mentioned it. I guess each
time i have a flashback reflection moment, i tend to feel that way. Wow!
An entire clan! Well, i had a share of that too but i guess i was a little on
the young side to remember much during that era.

foreverj:

stay strong for your two lovely daughters bet they must be your greatest comfort!

Comfort from the girls? Not when they're notty! Hahaa! :lol:
Dun get me wrong, i am... ehem... strong. Have been all this time.
Like i said, the flashbacks bring the down feelings la.. it's was like that for
as long as i remember and i guess there weren't that many happy ones
to overshadow the horrible ones.

foreverj:

as for your dh, on top of being a filial son, is also at the same time, an excellent husband and father. such men usually comes as a total package. but i'm sure u already know that :love:

Suffice to say, the guy friends i've had acquaintance with are mostly the
\"mummy's boys\"! :!: :lol:

Not sure why... :idea: I suppose a filial guy is husband material?
And has strong sense of responsibility for the family i suppose..
and it wud indirectly translate that the same guy would have the
same sense with his OWN family with his partner and children..

As for the package, it didn't come automatically. The other characteristics
came in and slowly grew on me... well, we're in a marriage for a long run
ain't it? With or without IL issues. So, though things weren't ideal for me
and sometimes the children, i just moved on. Like i said, i didn't wanna
trouble him over what men usually find are petty. So, most times i usually
don't even say anything... he won't believe me anyway. I mean if it were
our own mum, realistically we'll go.. hey, that's my mum you're talking abt
ya know... and one usually retracts into protective zone. Despite the hard
time MIL was giving me and i wud go tell myself, \"How did i get myself into
this...\" each time... i try not to associate that with hubs. Over the years, he
had grown to be a much better man.

I have told him before what i felt for him.. despite our uncountable differences..

That i see him as my best friend.. someone i can confide in and talk about
absolutely anything under the sun.. that i can share my inside outs with &
he would understand.. and that he won't be judgmental on me, cos he's
my best friend.

That over time, he showed that he was a great and patient lover.. who
took the time to love, to drown and to immerse me in with his tenderness..
and showered passionate care over my emotional well-being, making sure
things were good with me.. and us..

That over a longer period of time, he learnt and showed that he was the
great father that he is... being there for the girls. And occasionally, i'm
secretly proud that he's mine and bear close resemblance to my own
father whom i'm extremely very close to..

I do not want to slight him for the inconveniences that MIL has brought
upon me.. Even if there were occasions her imposing truly strained our
marriage.. I just held on..

Unhappy as i may be with this arrangement, when i married hubs.. he was
my new life.. STILL IS. A new life where i thought we could immerse in our
selves... be ourselves... do stuff ourselves... lead ourselves without having
to have to involve our parents too much in this new life we have created
for ourselves.

No. Having my mountain of issues with MIL and only petty bits with the rest..
Does not constitute to hubs being a bad friend, husband, lover or father
to me and my children. He is his own person.

Time and again, i've tried to show MIL... tell MIL indirectly that my
presence was never to take her son away from her.. For God's sake, we
have been together since then and still is. So, i honestly dun understand
her attitude towards me. Except i suppose i wasn't exactly her first choice
in her self-constructed DIL list. Her pretentious-ness bugs me many times
before... when we first married, but now after the filtering... it can be
brushed aside as a normality and petty, by phishing it out the left ear.

I guess it can depress me much, when after accommodating the ILs so
much, i seem to be like a thorn. If so, then they reali should've told hubs
upfront that he shouldn't marry me in the first place. Not being close to
my own mom, i was excited when i entered this marriage to have another
mom, whom i thought i could be close with..... cos she was VERY different
before we got married. I diffused stories told by friends and relatives on
those typical horror IL stories and gave my ILs chances to let time show
itself. The sarcasm, the stuff they say behind my back and everything else
just kept growing pushing me to corners where i couldn't hide any longer
and eventually breaking down my spirit. But still it's ok.. i have hubs with
me. And i love him to bits.

foreverj:

take care buds! and God bless u and family!

Hard as it may be, i've gone this far to give up. Trust me. I've reached
the point of throwing in the towel too many a time.. but that new patch
of grass on thee other side? Would i know if it would be any better? I
won't. There are no guarantees. So, just suck it up and soldier on...
and *gulp*.... i guess? :lol:

Thanks foreverj for reaching in the pit of your tummy to tell me you care.
I appreciate it much and feeling very touched. :hugs: See ya around.

[buds]

mathsparks:

GreenQ:

After my fil passed away, mil (has 2 sons) stays with her elder son who earns more than my DH in week days. She will stay with us in weekend.

She rents out her whole hdb unit for abt 1.8k per mth. So she is financially independence. Gd decision, right?

At least gd for her 1st dil, coz she is working. So when she rest at home during weekend, mil is with me. Then for me, good too as I only meet her during weekend, so less conflicts.

The best arrangement anyone could ask for, greenq. count your blessings, girl.

Are we gonna miss the snowman's humour come summer.. :lol:

[buds]

mathsparks:

Dear buds, you're not alone in your unhappy arrangement. Here's mine:


I've 4 rooms - a small one for the maid+storage (my poor maid..at least she gets her own privacy), 1 for the mil, I've a tween boy and a teen girl. thot of converting the study area for the boy..but its just an area outside the master bedroom without its own doors. go figure. and the annual cny gathering....haiz.

cant say more coz dh reads the forum ...he's a lurker too. said he's signed up but forgot his userid. duh! its definitely not mathshub?? coz that's in Bt Batok.

Oh yes, buds, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to be patient. :hugs:

It's fine to stay together but just dowan any nonsense can anot? :lol:

[buds]

ks2me:

Dear buds, the day I decided to get married, I had already accepted that there would be no contesting with THE MUM.

Ermmm... ks2me... there wasn't a contest to begin with. Even if there was,
it would be a contest she conjured up on her own. I wanted her as my
best friend! She was very nice when i first knew her as a bf's mom... and
i honestly didn't know it turned 360 degrees when we became official...
Now, that's sad..

ks2me:

Wife he can replace, mum he cannot so if I don't want to deal with that thought, I would have stayed happily single. That is my philosophy else I should be single. Incidentally, I guard my parents the same way, no way can my spouse show disrespect to my parents.

If there isn't an issue to a contest in the first place, there can never be an
issue of replacement. Gosh no! Being married is an add-on... not minus off.
I would have happily stayed single had i known she didn't like me.. :lol:
It is an unspoken trait that one should never disrespect elders.

I never was disrespectful or if i had, it never meant to come out that way
intentionally. But respect is earned and a 2-way thing.. It proves as a
challenge when one seems to strive all out to make things difficult for
another knowing full well, there is no room to tolerate disrespect. :stupid:

ks2me:

That said, MIL is a perennial issue for many and I don't think I can escape either. :lol: My problems are a little unusual, MIL could not stand my house because it was too nice for her to feel comfortable in it. I can write a story about it. I get slammed for doing a good job in my house, I also get slammed if I get a little messy. So it is damned if I do and damned if I don't. :lol: And she does not even live with us! :lol:

As for my kid, she seems too \"Little Miss Perfect\" for her liking too. As recent as 2 days ago, she told me to dress down my kid and the reasons given were not even worth mentioning here. :roll: Why do I have to put up with such crap, I ask myself..

Guess, yer MIL find it hard to swallow da all in one miss perfect.. :hugs:

ks2me:

Despite all these, I focus on the goodness in her. She can be very helpful at times and I still see her as kind despite the one-kind mouth. :celebrate: to you! Life is still good la....just some tiny flaws here and there.

Yep. Life can be good.. and it can be better too. Just program to delete
the spams lor.. :celebrate: Erm.. the goodness in her part.... :idea:....
guess mine will come soon.

ks2me:

And oh..this mum and son bond is not breakable, don't bother to try.

Don't intend to.. never intended to.

ks2me:

I suppose now as parents, I can appreciate this fact even better, if turn around our kids and us, I think we would also like our kids to bond with us more than with their spouses if they can help it especially those with boys.

Girls or boys, it doesn't matter. The fact that he's got that bond with his
mom goes to show how good she has raised her boy. And yes, i agree
anyone would like for their children to have close bonds with their families.
It is a good thing. Extended families are supposed to offer extended and
bountiful happiness... no? And each time IL topics come up in those once in
a blue moon get-togethers with other gfs.. we never fail to tell each other;
to remind one another that should the creepy unbecoming IL trait tries to
show itself in anyone of us, we should be told in the face to cut the crap.

[buds]

EN:

[quote]+-7yrs now, usually only me and my girls go visit my side... and no...

i dun have to make it compulsory. It should be the same both sides, no..?

Nope. Never the same. DH dont do visiting to my parents which I don't really care and neither do my parents. Maybe sometime during festive season. For MIL, sometime dh \"siam\" and I have to go surrender myself with the kids without him.[/quote]Yap. Never the same. I have gone on festive trips to
his side of the family even when he cannot make it.
Not that i mind greatly, especially when there's good food
to feast on and my children get to see thee other side of the
family. I join in readily regardless of the fact knowing full well
hubs won't be around. Practically fine with me. :grphug: