In-law problems?

[buds]

Eagle-Ladybird:

ks2me:

Wife he can replace, mum he cannot ..... Incidentally, I guard my parents the same way, no way can my spouse show disrespect to my parents

Hahaha, it's so common to hear this notion :lol:

But jokes aside, as much as most of us would like to think that way (some would even feel strongly that way), there's an alternate view to marriage. Marriage is about 2 persons, \"leaving\" their parents to become one. And this \"leaving\" means emotionally and physically - which means, spouse take precedence over parents after marriage.

Having said the above, it does not mean married children has to forsake their parents, or compromising filial piety.

I used to make it a point to back to KL to visit my parents every month. And most of the time, is over the weekend i.e. drive back Friday evening after work, and return by Sunday afternoon. This continue even after my marriage, and my wife is very supportive. I consider myself fairly filial (ah hem), and fairly important to my parents as I'm the only son'

But when my wife became pregnant, the frequency of my trip reduces substantially. And when my kids come along, it dwindled to maybe 2/3 times a year. Now, I don't love my parents any lesser, but my priority must be my wife/family - and looking back, that's what it is.

While it's true that Mum (and Dad) is irreplaceable, we have to learn to \"let go\" as we moved on in life with our life-long partner - and that's what our spouse is meant to be. And this is the hardest part - you have to \"believe\" in it that view, so as to put your spouse first - and I'm still learning :oops:

Eagle-Ladybird... having you here... a man's perspective... a man's words
is a breath of fresh air to the many ladies we have here. I value your
honesty and your straight-forwardness in your postings and the power
to bring many a time those subjective issues so positively put across..
It's non-judgmental and it's clear that all we really want is to have that
healthy relationship with everyone else and trying to keep the balance.
That's really all there is to it.. and like you i am still learning to keep the
balance at hand. Thank you for your presence.

[en107rn.01056yahoo.01056com.01056sg]

[quote]EN wrote:

Quote:
That said, MIL is a perennial issue for many and I don't think I can escape either. My problems are a little unusual, MIL could not stand my house because it was too nice for her to feel comfortable in it. I can write a story about it. I get slammed for doing a good job in my house, I also get slammed if I get a little messy.


MIL used to be like that. It's definitely better that way. Why? She now suddenly realize how comfortable my place is, she loves my cooking too and what's more, EN drives. EN can be her personal driver too.


Unfortunately, mine has no such realisation yet even though everything is indeed better, but there are no major issues, so I can just look over my shoulders and treat these as trivias.[/quote]Shouldn't it be \"fortunately\"? Mine started hinting, wanting to stay at our place. The last she stayed at our place was when I have just given birth to my first child. I wanted to be independent & she insisted on coming over to \"help\". Suffice to say, I was bullied. Hubby knows it. The very reason he makes sure, she doesn't take advantage of me.

[mathsparks]

buds:

Are we gonna miss the snowman's humour come summer.. :lol:

he'll be gone by this week, buds. blame it on global warming.

[mathsparks]

buds:

It's fine to stay together but just dowan any nonsense can anot? :lol:

but..but..but..you miss my point, my fren. how can my 12yo son share a room w his 17yo sis? haiz.

:rant: :x :stupid: .. not directed at you la. just upset with my arrangement, that's all.

[buds]

mathsparks:

buds:

It's fine to stay together but just dowan any nonsense can anot? :lol:

but..but..but..you miss my point, my fren. how can my 12yo son share a room w his 17yo sis? haiz.

:rant: :x :stupid: .. not directed at you la. just upset with my arrangement, that's all.

The above quote was actually in relevance to mine. :oops: Paiseh.
Should have been clearer. Sollie.. I mean it's not too bad staying
together if one doesn't try to create a rift amongst everyone else.
It should be a case of the more the merrier, ain't it?

Yap. I missed your point by a mile! :oops: Yes, i won't allow my DDs
to share room with brother definitely too.. so that's why i'm hoping
before anything untoward happens should i get \"injected\" like a
total body response/reaction and begin nausea mode... it is wise to
get our own place... which indirectly yet another valid reason to 搬家.
:lol:

[buds]

mathsparks:

buds:

Are we gonna miss the snowman's humour come summer.. :lol:

he'll be gone by this week, buds. blame it on global warming.

Aaaw... then let's hope that the pi would be more scrumptious come summer.

[buds]

EN:

Shouldn't it be \"fortunately\"? Mine started hinting, wanting to stay at our place. The last she stayed at our place was when I have just given birth to my first child. I wanted to be independent & she insisted on coming over to \"help\". Suffice to say, I was bullied. Hubby knows it. The very reason he makes sure, she doesn't take advantage of me.

I'm so moved!
Your hubby is soooo.... .....
Makes me ......

You are one lucky girl. :salute:

Luckily you ran after him for number.

Psst, i believe you now when you say your
hubby won't allow you to feel the least slighted.
I totally dig it now... he's very into you. So nice... :hugs:

:celebrate:

[schweppes]

Hey buds... fret not! I really believe in good karma and that what goes around, will come around. Maybe the benefits can't be seen right now, but I really think that you are setting a good example for your children. And somehow, your kids will take care of you too when they are older.


Your patience with ILs is near sainthood and I really admire you for that. The things, us wives go through for our hubs. :love:

[buds]

Yeah schweppes, fret not. :celebrate:


Yap, as i do believe in good karma i suppose dats why i
have managed to survive so far. Though the girls some
times see stuff i go through and they try to interpret, i
just shush it aside and assure them it's nothing big of
a deal. Kids shouldn't be involved in all the adult politics.

Whatever issues i have with ILs or even when things
aren't quite right with hubs, the girls can sense cause
we are very close and always together... but i do not
let them see my despair or disappointment... i try as
much not to. All are only silent ones, hence this
thread just provides the avenue for me to rant... but
definitely not to the likes of hubs of course. He doesn't
know... hence the inability to understand what i have
to go through. He's at work most times. And MIL doesn't
usually act up in front of him... so the part abt seeing-is-
believing can never really be on my side unless God wants
to open his eyes. Oh well.. its mostly in the past now. Like
i said, these are more of my rantings. Forgive & forget they
say. Dun hold grudges. Dun be petty. I've done them
all. I just want for once to lead my own life with my
family the way i want it to be, without having someone
to impose on my ways and constantly supervising and
having stuff to talk behind our backs. Though most times,
hubs just finds it's best to ignore... which i've done too...
sometimes the human nature tugs at the heart which
makes it challenging to do so.

Ya, the stuff we go through..... sigh..... but like i said before,
it does make one stronger. I'm gonna stay positive
for myself and for holding my sanity. I know my sunshine will
come one day... after the storm. Dorothy did go back to Kansas
didn't she? :hugs: Thanks for the love, schweppes.

[corneyAmber]

buds:

Ermmm... ks2me... there wasn't a contest to begin with. Even if there was,

it would be a contest she conjured up on her own. I wanted her as my
best friend! She was very nice when i first knew her as a bf's mom... and
i honestly didn't know it turned 360 degrees when we became official...
Now, that's sad..

Firstly I admire your effort to reply every post so diligently. kudos.
Secondly, I guess I saw all the patterns, nice and not nice of my MIL before engaging myself in the marriage, so I could close my eyes after marriage. In your case, she was nice at first....that's a tough one. :hugs: Must be such a :!: for you after marriage.

buds:

If there isn't an issue to a contest in the first place, there can never be an
issue of replacement. Gosh no! Being married is an add-on... not minus off.
I would have happily stayed single had i known she didn't like me.. :lol:
It is an unspoken trait that one should never disrespect elders.

I never was disrespectful or if i had, it never meant to come out that way
intentionally. But respect is earned and a 2-way thing.. It proves as a
challenge when one seems to strive all out to make things difficult for
another knowing full well, there is no room to tolerate disrespect. :stupid:

Going by your bubbly personality online, I believe you can be happily single like me. :celebrate: Btw, I don't mean that you are disrespectful, I say it to mean how I fierce I can be with my spouse if he has anything to say about my parents, so on that premise of my own behaviour, I will go easy on him too. But I agree with you that respect is both ways. It seems that your MIL is using her trump cards all the time to her advantage, never a fair play. Actually times like this, if your dh understands what you are going through, it is good enough. My thinking is at this point in my MIL's life, I do not expect her to change, it would be harder than going to the moon. If she so decides to change, I think God is giving me a bonus here.

buds:

Guess, yer MIL find it hard to swallow da all in one miss perfect.. :hugs:

Thanks. In this area, I have mastered a form of kungfu, to ignore is bliss because she does not know enough to comment effectively.

buds:

Yep. Life can be good.. and it can be better too. Just program to delete
the spams lor.. :celebrate: Erm.. the goodness in her part.... :idea:....
guess mine will come soon.

Good that you are still optimistic. When there is hope, there is future. Has this thought ever crossed your mind?
\"MILs prefer blur DILs\". I think sometimes it's got something to do with aging. Aging makes a person constantly want to justify their existence so they will do anything to make their presence felt.

buds:

Don't intend to.. never intended to.

Good, then no issue here.

buds:

Girls or boys, it doesn't matter. The fact that he's got that bond with his
mom goes to show how good she has raised her boy. And yes, i agree
anyone would like for their children to have close bonds with their families.
It is a good thing. Extended families are supposed to offer extended and
bountiful happiness... no? And each time IL topics come up in those once in
a blue moon get-togethers with other gfs.. we never fail to tell each other;
to remind one another that should the creepy unbecoming IL trait tries to
show itself in anyone of us, we should be told in the face to cut the crap.

Yeah, to maintain sanity, vent sometimes here and sometimes with friends and get it out of the system. Then try to travel in time 20 years ahead and tell ourselves, pleeeeeeeeaseeee do not be LIKE them!! It helps me alot....I just love mirroring... :lol: