In-law problems?

[buds]

foreverj:

dear dear buds, u r truly a very dutiful wife, mother and DIL! i pray your dh knows wat a wonderful wife he's had the fortune of finding! i hope someday your inlaws and dh realise there's really no reason for u to have suffered and put up with all these, other than from the pure goodness of your heart.

I am not perfect. I may have incurred her wrath unknowingly. I also have
given black face and all that pattern. I am but only human with natural
emotions and it does escape at times. Less over the years. And i think
i don't have to stoop to her level to be respected. I still respect her as
hubs mom nonetheless. We must always show respect to elders. My
parents always advised me never to go against my ILs. It's not right.
Two wrongs don't make a right. They just said be patient... and gimme
loads of support. They oso never give face when they come over for
festive occasions whatsoever. Just act normal.. that there is nothing
on with me and everything is cordial, that everyone is cool. :hugs:

foreverj:

reading wat u've gone thru, i feel u've put the rest of us DILs to shame with your magnanimity. its good to have frens u can confide in n thankfully u have a happy personality generally. just remember God wil not put u thru something beyond what u can bear. stay strong, my dear..

I have shared only like 2 or 3% only. Frankly.. hubs doesn't like me coming
here. He says i'm forever with the ILs thingy and :roll: his eyes. But it's
just that i am really sometimes emotionally overwhelmed. I don't go out
much to hang out with friends.. not that i don't have off days to chill.. i do.
I don't talk over the phone like some women i know.. and i don't really see
much of my folks. I guess, i just need a good vent and rant. Hubs doesn't
justify that to coming here and rant ALL the time. Like i can mebbe just
rant once and move on perhaps...? I can't lah. Just need to let go some
times. Just like farting.. then after awhile ok liao. :lol: Then, when it comes
again, just let it go again... like that lah. Think ok anot har? I quite scared
now. :scared: :siam:

Last time most of my bosses always blatantly tell me since i can handle
stress better i can deal with a bit more work, it's justified and should be
no problem wat. Mebbe in this case the guy up there thinks i can handle
more stress so gimme more challenges? Not that i don't learn anything
from this tests... but ya know... like... the question does linger sometimes..
like... ermm... hmmm... :idea:... when do i get to graduate? :lol:

[rocklee]

Hi Buds


I feel for you. I hope you can be strong. So far I am blessed as I do not encounter this problem since my in-laws do not stay with me.

However, I can understand how you feel because I have one living example and that is my mother. From the day I was born, I stayed with my paternal grandmother till the day she passed on. I used to lived with my uncles and aunties in the kampong until we were forced to shift to the HDB. All my uncles refused to live with my grandma even though they were very rich and drove big cars. My dad was the poorest of all yet the most filial. When my grandma stayed with us, she would quarrel with mum almost everyday over petty things. My grandma was a widow and was known to be a very tough and fierce woman in the whole neighbourhood. I had no idea why she disliked my mum so much as my mum was very gentle, hardworking and submissive. I guessed it was because my mum gave birth to all girls, no son. Very often, she would hurl vulgar words at my mum, screamed at her, slammed the door etc. Whenever this happened, my mum would quickly pull us aside and we would hide in the bedroom until she stopped. I still remember vividly that grandma would kicked the door very hard and that really scared us. Each time, my mum would try to put on a brave front but she couldn’t control her tears. I would say I picked up a lot of vulgar words from grandma and I would used them whenever I fought with my siblings. This kind of life went on for many years until the day my grandma fell sick. Despite all the ill-treatment that my mum had, she continued to take good care of grandma. She would bathe her, feed her and accompanied her for check ups. Eventually, my grandma realised who treated her the best and before she passed on she gave my mum her most precious jewellery whereas all her other daughter-in-laws got nothing.

For all the hardships that my mum had endured, she is now blessed with not only filial daughters but also filial son-in-laws and many grand children. We have all learnt a lot from her especially her selflessness and forgiveness.

I hope someday your MIL will come to her senses . For all that you are going thru now, I believe someday you will be blessed just like my mom.

Take care and be strong.

[carin004]

hi all,


trying to seek solace here after I had a few major fight with MIL this month… Realized that I am not alone…

Stayed with PIL after married. MIL even offered to take care of my DD. Fortunate right? Ya right… everynight she will sleep at 8pm… that means I don’t get to see my DD if I come back late. Everytime will get DH to knock on her door to ask for my DD. When she hand DD to me… she will turn her face away… like I am a monster? Thinking to spend more time with DD, we decided to let DD sleep with us, and bring DD to MIL in the morning. After a few days, she scolded me 坏女人 right into my face… confronted her as why she scolded as 坏女人and she don’t even come out from her room to tell me why… in the end, i grab my DD and went to stay with my mother.

Soon we sold off the flat and get a new one on our own with FIL. MIL chose to rent room outside. Gradually this situation improved our relationship. Suddenly, early last year she moved back to stay with us as she could not find another room to rent. ( for the few years she stayed outside, she moved almost every six to eight months as she always have conflcts with the landlords). Although I am unwilling, I cannot say No. All of us thought that she had changed after staying outside for so long. We are wrong.

After a few months staying with us, she started to pick on me like last time. She will accused of things I did not do or say. Even when I worked late for consecutive few days, and did not see her… she will still have things to accuse me. Everyday, she will bang her door whenever she sees me around the house. She will throw away my things when she don’t like it. I had endured all her nonsenses. DH knows what his mother is like. So he knows what I am enduring. The only thing I am hoping is for her to move out … so bad hor?

[rains]

For me, my pils are virtually, literally absent in my life.


We used to visit them on special occasions and they were nice to me, and I to them.

What spoilt it all was my husband.

He told my mil that I was pregnant and I was about to abort the baby in one of his angry spurts.

But I was upset that despite knowing I was pregnant, albeit thro an unpleasant route, my pil never called me (despite having my hp no.) to ask about it. My father said I should have called them to inform them about my pregnancy, but it seemed so weird to me to inform them about my pregnancy when my husband had already told them. It’s as if I should take it like they were ignorant about it when they were not.

Thro out the pregnancy, they didn’t give me a call.

During my hospital stay and confinement, they didn’t visit the baby.

My mil did call me on my hp closer to CNY reunion dinner, but I was so upset with her that I didn’t pick up the call.

It was only after the baby was 6 months old that my grand fil called me and asked how the baby was. He said my husband didn’t even inform them that the baby was born and they didn’t even know if I had given birth to a cat or a dog.

I know that the agent for spoiling the relationship is my husband, but I can’t get over the fact that they didn’t even call me once to ask me about the pregnancy thro out the whole time.

[Andaiz]

rains:

Thro out the pregnancy, they didn't give me a call.

During my hospital stay and confinement, they didn't visit the baby.

My mil did call me on my hp closer to CNY reunion dinner, but I was so upset with her that I didn't pick up the call.

It was only after the baby was 6 months old that my grand fil called me and asked how the baby was. He said my husband didn't even inform them that the baby was born and they didn't even know if I had given birth to a cat or a dog.

I know that the agent for spoiling the relationship is my husband, but I can't get over the fact that they didn't even call me once to ask me about the pregnancy thro out the whole time.

rains, mebbe they didn't know how to react. The fact that it was your GRANDFIL who called you. :!: :!: wah, the most senior member of the clan...it must have been discussed for a long time (6 months?) and then finally the job landed on his lap.

If DH is the culprit in this, my 2 cents is that the relationship is repairable. Would you give them and yourself a chance? It's not easy for your PIL or GrandFIL (even) to come speak with you.

[hquek]

rains:

I know that the agent for spoiling the relationship is my husband, but I can't get over the fact that they didn't even call me once to ask me about the pregnancy thro out the whole time.

hi rains, it would take a lot for the elder to bend down to the younger. As you said, the agent is your hubby. And that your pils are nice to you. Not knowing any more of your story, I think you should take it positively that your mil had tried to contact you, so to me, it seems that she wants to mend the fences, and then move on from there.

Am fairly sure that the grandparents would love to see their grandchildren. Just put yourself in their shoes, if you were snubbed by your own child, would you dare to take the initiative to contact the DIL/SIL (whatever the case may be)?

Hope things turn out well for you!

[3Boys]

rains:

My mil did call me on my hp closer to CNY reunion dinner, but I was so upset with her that I didn't pick up the call.

It was only after the baby was 6 months old that my grand fil called me and asked how the baby was. He said my husband didn't even inform them that the baby was born and they didn't even know if I had given birth to a cat or a dog.

I know that the agent for spoiling the relationship is my husband, but I can't get over the fact that they didn't even call me once to ask me about the pregnancy thro out the whole time.

Yes, agree with the rest. I think they have tried to reach out to you. Once you let go of the hurt and resentment around their actions (and you understand why, your DH probably poisoned their view and they didn't know if they should interfere), I think you will feel much better about it.

[buds]

Ermmm.. guys.. actually i dun think rains

is still together with the husband.. and
so.. the part about hope-things-turn
out-well-for-you may not be able to
be applied any longer in her case.
See > http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2548&start=210

rains, do correct me if i'm wrong.. :oops:

[ZacK]

buds:

Not! I've told her my thoughts before.. on how mean i thought she was

to me during one of her down sessions with her children and husband..
She was then on a sharing spree. :roll: She told me that she was wailing
her lungs out the minute after hubs left home in the bridal carriage & felt
a sense of great loss as he went over to my place to get me and off for
our ceremony. She ssaid she had to be held down by a group of relatives
and friends. I dun think she'll ever realise i was NEVER here to take her
eldest and her star child from her.. Cause since that day she went
running for the carriage, i was already the thief and thee outsider
to her.. The irony is... we've been together with her, FIL and BIL
for the last 7-8 years.. correction.. :idea: .. in fact, we STILL ARE.

DELETE? Naah.. bring it on! :torchme:

Buds decided to reply you in this thread cos dun wanna spoil Smarty's thread...

I can feel you... Whether it is with daughters or sons... Mothers should let go the moment their kids get married to set up their own family. It is precisely because parents from either side decide to stick their fingers in that more often than not... result in tension between couples.

For me, my wife does not have problems with my mum... In fact my mum supported the idea for me to stay with MIL cos MIL is getting on in years and it is not ideal in the long run for her to stay alone. Also being the youngest my mum gives me and my wife lots of freedom.

With MIL, there have been moments when I feel that my MIL has gone a tad overboard and I have told her off... quite nicely. Generally I have no major issues with my MIL as she takes our cue on most issues relating to our family and how we want to raise our boys

Btw trust me, some mums can also be mean to their own daughters, not just with DILs, by antagonising or provoking them and showing their displeasure etc ... When it starts to get a little too much for wife to handle... I will also intervene if it is clear that MIL is not being reasonable... So in that sense I get sandwiched between mother and daughter. Overall I am respectful to my MIL and I think of her well-being ... So she does accord me some respect as well.

Personally for me... I feel that for husbands, being the man of the family... We have to be filial to our parents... But our main responsibility is to our own family, to our spouse and kids first. There has to be a point if our parents \"crosses the line\", then as husbands we need to make a stand to defend the right party in order to bring \"harmony\" back to the family...

It cannot be at the expense of any one party... If the DILs or daughters are the one at fault, then they too will need to be brought back into line. It is this balancing that we need to do, to maintain peace, happiness and harmony to the home... Mummies always feel that they get the shorter end of the stick... Now you should know that daddies job is not easy too :roll:

To cite one example that happened to one of my relatives in Msia... Son is the typically \"filial\" son who always listen to mummy. Mummy says 1, he will never say 2. Son and his wife tried for some time to have a baby and had faced some difficulties. For reasons unknown to me, mummy and DIL's relationship soured... But I think there was one occassion mummy asked her son to look for another woman to try for a baby, as the son is the eldest boy. In short, subsequently the wife managed to get pregnant and had a girl. Mummy was not too happy for dunno know what reason, asked the son to divorce his wife.... This happened before the newborn girl's first month. The wife was so mad with her MIL that she packed her bags and carried the baby back to her own home... The last I heard, they are still separated. All the relatives know about the incident, and also know how unreasonable this son's mummy can be... But no where did we hear the son utter a single word against his mum. :roll: ... Well I certainly hope the son is happy being \"married/tied\" to his mum... :siao:

[rains]

Hi buds,


I remarried.

Thanks, all,

What you said casts a new light on the matter. When my own family members knew that my pil never did visit the baby, my father kept scolding me for not visiting my pil and said that it’s my fault for not informing them about the baby, but the more he did that, the more I felt angry with them, for driving a wedge between my father and me indirectly.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts from a 3rd person’s point of view. I guess I have been too emotional about the matter to think about it rationally, and put myself in their shoes.

I never realised it’s unforgiveness that I’m holding onto. I told myself it’s got nothing to do with forgiveness bcos since they ignore me, I should also ignore them. But when I read what you guys said, tears flowed.

Thank you. Merry Christmas to all!