In-law problems?

[buds]

EN:

Oh dear buds, I don't mean to upset you further. I was sharing with you that MIL bullies whenever she got the chance. She came to \"help\" in our house yet behind my back, she instigated hubby that divorce is easy & surely dh will win the child. I was not even 2 weeks after given birth. Not that DH protects me terribly but he knows his mother very well. He was the child that was beaten black and blue, hence there is no love lost between them.

Nevertheless.. lucky you. Someone's got your back, without you having to
say it.

EN:

Sorry. I have never really plough in this thread to read things fully. Have you ever raised up the idea of buying a flat with him? Get another baby, get a maid, congested space will make a couple wants to move out. Especially if the next baby is a baby boy. Definitely can't share with the sisters.

Yes i have, in fact many times already.

I know that he is stuck between a hard rock and a wall.
I understand that he wants to take care of his family &
do not want them to be hard up for a place to stay at
their age. But it has been such a challenge to put up
with so many stuff on-going with the ILs and i honestly
feel i do not have to be a part of the problems. See no
evil.. hear no evil.. I would rather not know.

Once she said something sarcastic in my presence, i very
sad. So i brought my girls together..... went into my room
and the door accidentally shut louder than it was supposed
to be. Unintentionally, i swear! Then i heard her in front of my
door. Guess she actually came up to my door and started hurling!
Something she said about she can do whatever she likes cos
it was her son's house and she too can slam the door in my
face if i dare come out. I cried silent tears that day and rang
my hubs during my play time outdoors with the kids and i told
him i dunno how much longer i can take this crap from them...

I agree with jedamum that the spouse gotta be the co-owner. :roll:
Not for selfish reasons but at least some decent courtesy from
the other stayers would be nice for once.

We went house hunting and went to sooo many until my legs
were too tired. Each house didn't match our preferences and
also when one looks to strongly for one it may turn out to be
a harried decision instead of a wise one.

Bearing the fact that hubs would lose a lotta $, and he asked
really nicely if i could wait till the market was stable... i relented.
I also cooled down to the poor old woman when i realised that
my SIL didn reali welcome them to occupy their place. Many other
issues took place and then it seemed market was slightly on the
recovering side. It was broached again and the agents came over.
Thankfully, i wasn't too embarrassed since they were old friends
anyway. She created a scene so to speak. About un-fillial children,
about her sacrifices... about how she has put up with life... abt
how she preferred the family to be together for kinship bonding,
for how it wasn't a right time as nothing cud be made from the
sale... (etc)... (etc)... (etc)

Hubs agreed with mum and let it rest. Once again i was left to my
silent tears. I didn't know how much longer i could take. I seeked
solace from prayer, from the very irregular visits to see my family
and even quickie trips when they are around the corner... and
definitely from the closest friends for support. MIL does not like me
going out often especially when hubs not around. She'll say stuff.
It will affect me for awhile and i'll go out again. Mostly to bring the
kids out to play and for me to soothe my thoughts and clear my
mind. I can't stay cooped. I would go mad i think.

Once too many the opportunities came by and i am beginning to
resign to the fact that i may never see the day. I'm very sad. But
i go where my husband goes. I am educated and yet at the same
level, i ain't a heartless person. Though i know i can endure a bit
more time, and i can't bear for old folks to turn out destitutes esp
if for selfish reasons form the children.. or make them feel miserable.
ILs ever shared that they wouldn't know how it'd be like to stay at
SIL's place cause of her nature and her way of living life and that
they would rather stay put with us. Again i relent. Mebbe i too soft.
And maybe i too understanding... or a case of too much love for hubs..
I dunno. I just don't like to put him in a spot. I wouldn't want to be
put in that same spot if it were me in his shoes.

I really and honestly wouldn't have asked to move or minded that
his folks are with us.. but... it's just... hmmmmm....

I really try lah.. and i've tried my best. But it's never enough it seems.
I dowan any problems. I just want some peace in my life and some
happiness would be nice. But i've learnt to take each day as it comes.
So i won't have any expectations and directly won't get too disappointed.

[buds]

foreverj:

huh, got use meh? scuddy they say why not bud's dh buy a bigger house so all can move over? dun mean to say but sometimes once the in-laws feel they've got u under their little finger, there's no running away... i feel buds very nice, for the sake of family harmony,can \"suck it up\".


i tell my dh, i m an educated woman, not like my mum. so no reason for me to \"ren3 qi4 tun1 sheng1\". :x of course i dun flare up for the slightest bit of thing. i \"show face colour\" only for broader issues like not respecting my position as the \"lady of the household\".

I find that we're already in a big house. Big enough for all of us to live
reasonably and happily. But with all the years of unhappiness it has
made me feel even stronger about having OUR own place for once.
Live our lives our way and not at the scrutiny or impose-ment of others.
She has every little bit to say when it comes to my girls and how we
handle them. Hubs himself had been frustrated over such intrusions
to disciplinary issues and other petty child raising stuff. But he will
forget about it soon after. Blood is thicker than water. That is highly
understandable and i cannot fault him for it.

I love my family and i don't want to give hubs a hard time. His work is
also stressful enough without having me and my petty problems to add
on to it. Lady of house is a position but not necessarily one position that
deems respect from all dowagers. It's still subjective.

[buds]

mummy of 2:

I try to remind myself how nice she is in other aspects, and to let the past rest. I can forgive, but I doubt I can ever forget.

It's nice to have some good stuff to reflect on.
Helps the forgiving part.

Forget? Can... When we're senile lor. Ah-choy!

[Eagle-Ladybird]

Moving out does not necessarily has to be "buying a place".


Renting is equally effective - in fact gives you a short term taste of the independent lifestyle, for your family to decide if this is what your all want.

[mummy of 2]

Senile. :!: that will be many years away :xedfingers:

[foreverj]

dear dear buds, u r truly a very dutiful wife, mother and DIL! i pray your dh knows wat a wonderful wife he’s had the fortune of finding! i hope someday your inlaws and dh realise there’s really no reason for u to have suffered and put up with all these, other than from the pure goodness of your heart.


reading wat u’ve gone thru, i feel u’ve put the rest of us DILs to shame with your magnanimity. its good to have frens u can confide in n thankfully u have a happy personality generally. just remember God wil not put u thru something beyond what u can bear. stay strong, my dear…

[buds]

Eagle-Ladybird:

Moving out does not necessarily has to be \"buying a place\".


Renting is equally effective - in fact gives you a short term taste of the independent lifestyle, for your family to decide if this is what your all want.

Tried going there. I mean thought
about it. Not very cost effective...
The extras can provide more food,
more stuff for the kiddies and more
holidays or short trips that we all
forward to. To de-stress.

At least i know i need it. Ahakz!

Hubs provides the neccesities and
pays all the bills. So i pity him. And
he insists he likes me to stay home
while he can afford it. A case of nice
home cooked food i guess.. and a
case of not waiting for the wifey to
come home.... (late) .... all the time. :siam:

Then later kena kwa-kwa-jiao again
from the dowager. Not directly of cos. :roll:

[buds]

mummy of 2:

Senile. :!: that will be many years away :xedfingers:

Hahaa! :lol:

Yeah boy..

[buds]

foreverj:

dear dear buds, u r truly a very dutiful wife, mother and DIL! i pray your dh knows wat a wonderful wife he's had the fortune of finding! i hope someday your inlaws and dh realise there's really no reason for u to have suffered and put up with all these, other than from the pure goodness of your heart.

I am not perfect. I may have incurred her wrath unknowingly. I also have
given black face and all that pattern. I am but only human with natural
emotions and it does escape at times. Less over the years. And i think
i don't have to stoop to her level to be respected. I still respect her as
hubs mom nonetheless. We must always show respect to elders. My
parents always advised me never to go against my ILs. It's not right.
Two wrongs don't make a right. They just said be patient... and gimme
loads of support. They oso never give face when they come over for
festive occasions whatsoever. Just act normal.. that there is nothing
on with me and everything is cordial, that everyone is cool. :hugs:

foreverj:

reading wat u've gone thru, i feel u've put the rest of us DILs to shame with your magnanimity. its good to have frens u can confide in n thankfully u have a happy personality generally. just remember God wil not put u thru something beyond what u can bear. stay strong, my dear..

I have shared only like 2 or 3% only. Frankly.. hubs doesn't like me coming
here. He says i'm forever with the ILs thingy and :roll: his eyes. But it's
just that i am really sometimes emotionally overwhelmed. I don't go out
much to hang out with friends.. not that i don't have off days to chill.. i do.
I don't talk over the phone like some women i know.. and i don't really see
much of my folks. I guess, i just need a good vent and rant. Hubs doesn't
justify that to coming here and rant ALL the time. Like i can mebbe just
rant once and move on perhaps...? I can't lah. Just need to let go some
times. Just like farting.. then after awhile ok liao. :lol: Then, when it comes
again, just let it go again... like that lah. Think ok anot har? I quite scared
now. :scared: :siam:

Last time most of my bosses always blatantly tell me since i can handle
stress better i can deal with a bit more work, it's justified and should be
no problem wat. Mebbe in this case the guy up there thinks i can handle
more stress so gimme more challenges? Not that i don't learn anything
from this tests... but ya know... like... the question does linger sometimes..
like... ermm... hmmm... :idea:... when do i get to graduate? :lol:

[rocklee]

Hi Buds


I feel for you. I hope you can be strong. So far I am blessed as I do not encounter this problem since my in-laws do not stay with me.

However, I can understand how you feel because I have one living example and that is my mother. From the day I was born, I stayed with my paternal grandmother till the day she passed on. I used to lived with my uncles and aunties in the kampong until we were forced to shift to the HDB. All my uncles refused to live with my grandma even though they were very rich and drove big cars. My dad was the poorest of all yet the most filial. When my grandma stayed with us, she would quarrel with mum almost everyday over petty things. My grandma was a widow and was known to be a very tough and fierce woman in the whole neighbourhood. I had no idea why she disliked my mum so much as my mum was very gentle, hardworking and submissive. I guessed it was because my mum gave birth to all girls, no son. Very often, she would hurl vulgar words at my mum, screamed at her, slammed the door etc. Whenever this happened, my mum would quickly pull us aside and we would hide in the bedroom until she stopped. I still remember vividly that grandma would kicked the door very hard and that really scared us. Each time, my mum would try to put on a brave front but she couldn’t control her tears. I would say I picked up a lot of vulgar words from grandma and I would used them whenever I fought with my siblings. This kind of life went on for many years until the day my grandma fell sick. Despite all the ill-treatment that my mum had, she continued to take good care of grandma. She would bathe her, feed her and accompanied her for check ups. Eventually, my grandma realised who treated her the best and before she passed on she gave my mum her most precious jewellery whereas all her other daughter-in-laws got nothing.

For all the hardships that my mum had endured, she is now blessed with not only filial daughters but also filial son-in-laws and many grand children. We have all learnt a lot from her especially her selflessness and forgiveness.

I hope someday your MIL will come to her senses . For all that you are going thru now, I believe someday you will be blessed just like my mom.

Take care and be strong.