In-law problems?
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Angelight:
Angelight,3boys, I also want to put on a bright dress and bright smile and have a great time. But CNY gathering is also the time when I will be asked insensitive though maybe well meaning questions like \"when are you going to have a second child?\", or \"better hurry before you get too old!\", or \"why only stop at one, so lonely for the poor child!\" etc.
It always saddened me to hear such questions but pray tell me, how do I graciously reply to such insensitive questions except to give them a sad smile. :sad: To make matters worse, my BIL has 3 kids, so the relatives will be comparing yet again...even dd has been asking why her cousins have siblings and she doesn't. I don't know how to answer her.
Sorry a bit off topic, but I just want to explain why so of us dread CNY gathering. Jia jia you ben nang nian de jing. Every family has its own issues.
there was a time early on, before we had 3B, that we had trouble conceiving. It was frustrating, and there was this older gentleman in church, well meaning, who constantly ribbed us about starting a family.
Every Sunday.
Most irritating.
I went up to him and told him firmly to stop, that it was really none of his business.
It stopped. We were and are still cordial, but he had overstepped.
But I didn't stop going to church on account of his comments. I didn't dread going because he was going to be there asking that same question. There is a bigger picture about CNY, the barbs should not detract from that.
Perhaps you'd want to take a stand with each one of those folk and state very firmly that the topic was out of bounds, and then at least you will have peace for this and subsequent CNYs. You don't ever have to feel the dread again, you don't have to resent your relatives again. Do they even know HOW you feel about this? How about you come clean and give them a chance to get back on your good books?
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's not the fault of CNY, it's an occasion and a valuable one.
Cheers. -
I can empathize with many who have shared their issues with ILs. Each family have their own issues and problems.
I don't dread CNY. I just dread ANY gatherings with ILs. Over more than 10 years, I have learnt that my ILs and my side of the family are just so different. Perhaps it has to do with upbringing or backgrounds, I don't know.
Over the more than 10 years, I've learnt that a cordial relationship with my ILs is the best. I don't like them honestly. I've accepted them as they are. They do not have any ill-intentions but to me, they are simply so tactless and sometimes, plain interfering. They love to harp and harp when I don't take their \"advice\". it's just their style or way of life. If I get too close, then it opens the doors to lots of comments, which is fine if I can give my opinions without damaging the relationship with them or having a cold war. But to maintain family harmony, i've learnt to close both ears and tolerate, and most of all, I've learnt to keep my honest opinions to myself. And that's why I dread gatherings... It's difficult for me to enjoy under such circumstances.
Sometimes, ranting on this forum with fellow DILs help to keep my sanity. And I'm sure that my ILs will also have plenty to say about this DIL of theirs, if they were also in KSP. :evil: I'm far from the perfect DIL, just as they are not perfect ILs.
Btw, my kids don't know how I feel. I encourage them to treat both maternal and paternal side the same. I still hope that they will have a good relationship with both maternal and paternal sides, just as I do with mine. -
KSmom8:
:goodpost:I can empathize with many who have shared their issues with ILs. Each family have their own issues and problems.
I don't dread CNY. I just dread ANY gatherings with ILs. Over more than 10 years, I have learnt that my ILs and my side of the family are just so different. Perhaps it has to do with upbringing or backgrounds, I don't know.
Over the more than 10 years, I've learnt that a cordial relationship with my ILs is the best. I don't like them honestly. I've accepted them as they are. They do not have any ill-intentions but to me, they are simply so tactless and sometimes, plain interfering. They love to harp and harp when I don't take their \"advice\". it's just their style or way of life. If I get too close, then it opens the doors to lots of comments, which is fine if I can give my opinions without damaging the relationship with them or having a cold war. But to maintain family harmony, i've learnt to close both ears and tolerate, and most of all, I've learnt to keep my honest opinions to myself. And that's why I dread gatherings... It's difficult for me to enjoy under such circumstances.
Sometimes, ranting on this forum with fellow DILs help to keep my sanity. And I'm sure that my ILs will also have plenty to say about this DIL of theirs, if they were also in KSP. :evil: I'm far from the perfect DIL, just as they are not perfect ILs.
Btw, my kids don't know how I feel. I encourage them to treat both maternal and paternal side the same. I still hope that they will have a good relationship with both maternal and paternal sides, just as I do with mine. -
Angelight:
I know how it is. I have 2 girls, so everyone has been asking when am I going to try for a third time lucky. I alwasy tell them, \"Can you ask my hubby? I wanted a third one, but he didn't.\" So everyone goes bother my hubby and he tells them off, and I get to laugh at this with my hubby. It is not fair that the wife is always targeted with such question, so I pushed it to the hubby.3boys, I also want to put on a bright dress and bright smile and have a great time. But CNY gathering is also the time when I will be asked insensitive though maybe well meaning questions like \"when are you going to have a second child?\", or \"better hurry before you get too old!\", or \"why only stop at one, so lonely for the poor child!\" etc.
It always saddened me to hear such questions but pray tell me, how do I graciously reply to such insensitive questions except to give them a sad smile. :sad: To make matters worse, my BIL has 3 kids, so the relatives will be comparing yet again...even dd has been asking why her cousins have siblings and she doesn't. I don't know how to answer her.
Sorry a bit off topic, but I just want to explain why so of us dread CNY gathering. Jia jia you ben nang nian de jing. Every family has its own issues. -
Actually, most people do not understand it is the MAN who provides the Y chromosome to have that precious son. I have 2 (a girl and a boy…no offence to anyone) and yet get bothered with ‘what about a 3rd one?’
These people really have nothing to talk about…so pathetic. -
janet_lee88:
LOL. They have nth better to do. I have 2 sons as most of you know and yet I was targeted as not having a daughter. I felt so sad whenever they ask me why dont try for the third one to have a girl. And now that I wan to adopt, I can hear them talking and saying that I cant conceive and so onActually, most people do not understand it is the MAN who provides the Y chromosome to have that precious son. I have 2 (a girl and a boy...no offence to anyone) and yet get bothered with 'what about a 3rd one?'
These people really have nothing to talk about...so pathetic. -
Ignore…what else can be done to such irritating people. Or else ask them if they are going to raise the kid if I give birth to number 3.
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janet_lee88:
Ignore...what else can be done to such irritating people. Or else ask them if they are going to raise the kid if I give birth to number 3.
:udawoman: -
Ran1977:
No choice. Ignore and don listen the best. Thank god my hubby always help me or else i think i will just cannot tahanjanet_lee88:
Ignore...what else can be done to such irritating people. Or else ask them if they are going to raise the kid if I give birth to number 3.
:udawoman: -
Even though decision of having kids is between husband and me, they ask as though they are involved, so I think it is not wrong to ask them to raise if I have #3.
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