In-law problems?
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vinegar:
I did not make her open her eyes lah. She could see for herself that I am not that horrible. I just did what a typical DIL should do. MIL always thought I do not welcome them to our house. What I do not like is them turning up unannounced. But when both MIL and FIL had surgeries(at different times), I was the one who opened our doors, brought them home and nursed them back to health. Before I came into the picture, there was no mother's day or father's day or even birthday celebration done for them.
Same le.My MIL also creates lots of funny excuses to get my DH goes home such as borrow screwdriver,ask my DH to buy ice cubes,etc....And she wanna it,my DH has to do it NOW. :imdrowning:Funz:
MIL called DH a few times daily when we were first married. She kept getting DH to go back to her home using excuses like she packed a box of his stuff, or she cooked smthg for him, ask him to pick up on his way back from work. And when he was there, she would ask him to run some errands with her and since need to run errand, might as well have dinner since it is already dinner time. And DH kept getting sucked into this trap time and again cos if he were to tell her cannot make it, she would start laying the guilt trip on him.
All these really got to me especially after a bad wedding experience where relatives of his wanted to make sure that I know my 'place'.
Over the years, I 'opened my eyes' and kinda realise why MIL behaves the way she does. And when that happened, I was less agitated when stuff happen and DH was happier and eventually, MIL's 'eyes opened' too and she realised that I am not exactly the overbearing tyrannical DIL that she made me out to be.
how u made ur MIL eyes opened? :lightrod:
My situation is different from yours. DH is not a mummy's boy. He was in fact in a hurry to move out and will avoid meeting up with his parents. His relationship with his father was pretty bad and with his mum, one ruled by guilt. One of the reason MIL thought our absence after DH and I were married was my doing, when it was DH's choice not to go home. That I blame DH. Though he did not use me as an excuse, he did not correct MIL's misconception either. And MIL was being a typical mum. Which mother would believe anything bad about her own son.
I also realised that a lot of the issues with PILs especially over money was also because of DH's inability to manage the situation. FIL was a gambler and spender so MIL was super insecure about finances and DH was :frustrated: with FIL asking for money to clear debts and at the same time MIL will forever be calling DH telling him she has no money for daily necessities when in actual fact, her salary was squirrelled away in her own account. I worked it out with DH though it took a few years of subtle manouvering before DH agreed that my suggestions really eased a lot of conflicts.
In the earlier years, I keep reminding myself, we are not living together so I can afford to be more patient and understanding. Whatever irritations, they are just for that few hours, when we get back to our own home, leave those outside, do not bring it into the house for there is no place in our home for that. My PILs will not be the ones feeling the repercussions of my displeasure towards them but DH and my kids will be the ones feeling it.
But I do suggest that you sit down and have a long talk with your DH about your situation. Both of you need to figure out a way for your DH to manage his mother better. -
Canvas:
asked hubby why she wants keys to our place...no way...i do not want to have heart attack or high blood pressure if she walks in, uninvited...especially if i am not working.janet_lee88:
She wanted hubby to give him a set of keys to our flat. I said NO...if she wants to talk to her precious son, call his mobile.
Sigh. :snuggles: Good thing you said No. Your MIL makes me shudder because she makes me think of the ex's mother. -
Funz,
Exactly! strongly agree wf u.I felt uncomfortable that she turns up unannounced.
My DH has been avoiding the topic…we were ok for past 6months till CNY,coz of some misunderstanding.I could feel that my DH couldn’t stand the stress fr. his mum.He is also avoiding her calls.Yet,he has no choice to pick the phone coz as i said,she’ll call until he picks u.
We’ve had long discussion b4 but no conclusion.It was the "white paper" parliment kinda discussion,at the end,we still hv to accept 6.9mil population,as our case,i’ve to accept my MIL’s character.
DH asked me not to base on the past "statistics" n make judgment.But how not to?since knowing her character is like that.She always stirs up prob esp.when we r busy.She gave us prob when we just got married,just gave birth,children started school…etc…Though i am the one who feeds her attn,my DH distraction n unhappiness somehow cause the strain in our r/s.My kid could feel that. -
over the past yrs,we’ve to make excuses when we can’t fulfill their attn.
His SIL also create tons of troubles for us.DH dread of doing bk coz SIL likes to talk nonsense.My kids hate to go bk coz his SIL likes to boss ard,order my kid to pass her phone to her,whereas she has two boys but nvr ask them to do.
Similiarly,my DH was also the one who hurry to get out of his home coz he felt constantly "caged" by his mum n pestered by his SIL. He always complained that his SIL constantly banged into his room n ordered him ard. -
Canvas:
This is so true.
I wish all of you the best in your relationship with your in laws. :snuggles: I used to think that the son/husband would be in a spot being in the middle but the fact is, he can change the situation by making a stand if things turn ugly.
The son is usually the crux . He is the one who should set expectations and limits, most likely women will listen to him. If he lets himself get manipulated, he is going to miserable and make everyone miserable. :gloomy:
My take is most women are reasonable ( both DILs and MILs ) Its our insecurities and craving for love and a tinge(!) of possessiveness that makes us act irrational. If a man can convince the women that his love and care for them is secure, there would be far less heartache. Unfortunately few attempt this before it is too late. Nurturing relationships is not one of their strenghts :roll:
There are no evil MILs or DILs , but plenty of sotong men
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Nebbermind:
Not stalking me, more like stalk my hubby. But still, :faint:
More like STALKING you!!Imami:
When we were looking for our first home, we decided we would get a flat in hubby's neighbourhood (instead of mine, he lived in t payoh and I lived in the west). We got a flat a distance away (short walk 5min) but pil's unit can see our unit. During the first few years after I shifted in for good, within 5min the lights went up in my unit, hubby's phone will ring. It will be mil most of the time - asking want to go dinner outside, or \"I cook xxx, u want to come and eat?\" or we are watching movie aaa now, you want to come and join us?\" when I purposely left the toilet light on because I was all alone at home, sil would SMS and remind me that I had forgotten to off the light.
It was very irritating. It came a point when it strained our relationship because I would insist that hubby's folks were watching us. Haiz.....
I only have one son. I hope I don't become like that next time (but my hubby is not the only child la)..... -
My mil comes to my place unannounced many times too. She thought it was the right thing to do. I think she s being rude. First few times, I showed my displeasure, then she asked dh what's the problem with coming up unannounced, until it became a big fight between her and dh! I had to give in eventually,cause she thinks I m the instigator of all these since I m mostly at home.
I really buay tahan her attitude.
Whenever we go for holidays, she ll want to tag long.we ve brough her few times, but she s really a fussy person, difficult to please, shows black face when she s unhappy with anything. Once, we went on a short trip to Malaysia, without telling her, she called dh and scolded 'why, you scared i follow you is it?'
Her other sons have never brought her overseas, not even to jb before. I'm really scratching my head why she behaves like that to us and not to the other sons :?: :?
Sorry for ranting. -
yes…can understand.
There was once she came announced,and i was in mid of changing clothes,coz son vomited all over my clothes.
i think they might not do it in purpose.They might not know this could bring unconvenience to others…esp…when her relatives also came n stayed very late during my confinement.Instead of busy wf newborn,DH was busy entertaining her relatives. -
Oh talking about "family" holidays, I have a few things to say too!
My MIL oso likes to tag along with us, that’s fine… the only prob is, whenever she goes with us, she will insist her fav eldest DIL (big BIL’s wife) and daughter (MIL grand-daughter, my DSs cousin) go with us too… and end up, many times we have to foot the bill for food, drinks etc for everyone…
If the DIL is not free, MIL will insist to bring the cousin along.
Years later, we found out that it is not bcos MIL loves to go travelling with us, it’s jus that she wans DSs’ cousin to have what my DSs have (eldest BIL do not bring them out at all), e.g. if my DSs go to "branded" school, cousin must go same school, DSs have computer games, cousin must oso have the same, even if it means MIL is the one who has to pay for it. -
Sun_2010:
Haiz…. This is so true. But really, things will change.
This is so true.Canvas:
I wish all of you the best in your relationship with your in laws. :snuggles: I used to think that the son/husband would be in a spot being in the middle but the fact is, he can change the situation by making a stand if things turn ugly.
The son is usually the crux . He is the one who should set expectations and limits, most likely women will listen to him. If he lets himself get manipulated, he is going to miserable and make everyone miserable. :gloomy:
My take is most women are reasonable ( both DILs and MILs ) Its our insecurities and craving for love and a tinge(!) of possessiveness that makes us act irrational. If a man can convince the women that his love and care for them is secure, there would be far less heartache. Unfortunately few attempt this before it is too late. Nurturing relationships is not one of their strenghts :roll:
There are no evil MILs or DILs , but plenty of sotong men
3 hours before I was admitted into the hospital to deliver my son, I was still scrubbing my in law’s toilet floor. I remembered my waist line (I just agar agar measure the widest part around my torso, since I was more like a globe than an hour glass) was 34”. To squat and scrub the floor was a terrible experience. In the end, I knelt down to scrub. Despite the great discomfort, for once I was happily scrubbing. Because my hubby finally declared to his mum that it would be the last time I would be cleaning up at her place and from then on, they (in law) would have to manage (the cleaning) themselves. That was the first time “things change”, having been helping out at in law’s place (even though I didn’t stay there) for a long time. My so tong finally took a stand.
The second time came last year when my mil was very sick but all her children could not be there for her. No fish, prawn also good, she accepted some of my help. These days, she is much better to me. she would tell me to pop over her place for dinner if my hubby not in sg, so I don’t need to cook and would ask what I want to eat (never in the 17 years since I know her).
So things really may change (for the better)….
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