In-law problems?

[MMM]

Wondering if this is the right place to post this. But some food for thought.


My auntie (da gu) has 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl. They are all in their late 40's to early 50's. After her kids got married, my auntie and my uncle continued to stay on their own. I think she tried staying over at her son's place but is not used to it. Her relationship with her dil is so so.

Few years ago, my uncle passed on. Auntie continued to stay on her own. She is still healthy and active and probably did not see any issue staying on her own. She is staying in a mature estate so she has her neighbours around her.

We visited her on 2nd day of CNY. Then on 3rd day, she had a heart attack. By the time my cousin reached her place, she was already unconscious :sad: She was still well the night before.

As I write this, she is still in ICU and unconscious. Heard her heartbeat stopped for 30 mins. So she is effectively depending on machine to keep her alive at this point.

I felt sad as my auntie is a very nice lady. I wondered if things would have been different if she had stayed with her son... This incident made me have a different view of things. We are staying with pils but my parents are on their own since I am the only child. I told my dh that I don't think I would allow my parent to stay alone especially if one has passed on.

I told my dc that we should treasure our loved ones. This applies to grandparents. They should not be rude/ take them for granted and instead should be appreciative as we never know when they would suddenly leave us. It would be too late to regret when things happen.

[Imami]

MMM:

Wondering if this is the right place to post this. But some food for thought.


My auntie (da gu) has 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl. They are all in their late 40's to early 50's. After her kids got married, my auntie and my uncle continued to stay on their own. I think she tried staying over at her son's place but is not used to it. Her relationship with her dil is so so.

Few years ago, my uncle passed on. Auntie continued to stay on her own. She is still healthy and active and probably did not see any issue staying on her own. She is staying in a mature estate so she has her neighbours around her.

We visited her on 2nd day of CNY. Then on 3rd day, she had a heart attack. By the time my cousin reached her place, she was already unconscious :sad: She was still well the night before.

As I write this, she is still in ICU and unconscious. Heard her heartbeat stopped for 30 mins. So she is effectively depending on machine to keep her alive at this point.

I felt sad as my auntie is a very nice lady. I wondered if things would have been different if she had stayed with her son... This incident made me have a different view of things. We are staying with pils but my parents are on their own since I am the only child. I told my dh that I don't think I would allow my parent to stay alone especially if one has passed on.

I told my dc that we should treasure our loved ones. This applies to grandparents. They should not be rude/ take them for granted and instead should be appreciative as we never know when they would suddenly leave us. It would be too late to regret when things happen.

It is indeed sad, your da gu. One of my sil’s mum is also living alone (with her dog). On cny 1st day, she called my sil to say her electricity kenna cut off and the flat black out. so in the end, my bro and sil all went to her place to help her in the middle of the dinner. It was unpleasant (to have your dinner interrupted) but I was glad that my bro helped out without a single word (behind our back I dunno la).

My parents are also living alone now (only two of them at home). If one passes on, I do hope the remaining one can consider moving in with one of my bro. as I am the daughter, I don’t think they would want to stay with me although I don’t mind them staying with us.

[sleepy]

MMM:

I felt sad as my auntie is a very nice lady. I wondered if things would have been different if she had stayed with her son... This incident made me have a different view of things. We are staying with pils but my parents are on their own since I am the only child. I told my dh that I don't think I would allow my parent to stay alone especially if one has passed on.


I told my dc that we should treasure our loved ones. This applies to grandparents. They should not be rude/ take them for granted and instead should be appreciative as we never know when they would suddenly leave us. It would be too late to regret when things happen.

Yes, no matter what wrong or grievances in the past 别太计较.
Our ILs are afterall aged.

MIL lives with BIL after FIL passed away to help babysit their kids. But couple years back she was 'kicked out' by SIL when they don't need her 'service' anymore so she quietly moved back to her own flat.

MIL's relative is currently free loading in her house on weekdays. Relative returned to Malaysia on weekends. Although not paying rental, the plus point is at least there's someone around on weekday evenings. On weekends she will be home alone though so dh will call every weekend to check on her

[popireis]

When I visited DH (then BF) house for the first time to have dinner, his mum (now my MIL) already expected me to clean the kitchen, toilet & wash the dishes after them.


I was taught from young, as a \"guest\", we should not be messing around other people's house as a form of courtesy, apparently in this case, I was wrong! I was the \"studious\" type, nvr done any housework my whole life in my mother's house. So I was young and innocently naive and did not know the \"expectations\" from my \"future\" MIL.

Thus when I didn't do as expected (I helped to wash the dishes after dinner but did not clean and mop the floor and wash the toilets), I was immediately given the cold treatment. And DH heard complaints from his mum after I left. From then on, she would always find faults with me le...

I am my mother's precious daughter, and my mum will feel heart-pain if she knows I am bring treated like a 'maid' in someone else's house. Would you ask your son's GF during her first visit to clean, mop the floor and wash the toilets for you? Would you want your own daughter to be treated like a 'maid'?

己所不欲，勿施于人.

I always tell my DH, I think wat his mum need is not DILs but Maids. All her sons should marry maids....

[popireis]

Till now, she is still complaining about me not doing housework. Which I dun understand why cos I have a maid at home! Even when we used to stay with her, I oso have a maid. But she still likes to ‘dig’ up old stories of me not helping her with housework hahaha…


But as a few mentioned, dunno if it’s bcos she is oso aging, or bcos now she realised she can only "depend" on me & DH to help her cos her other sons & DILs bo chap her, she is slightly better to me now.

Sad that people only realise that they should treat others nicely only when they "need".

[SAHM Chew]

popireis:

When I visited DH (then BF) house for the first time to have dinner, his mum (now my MIL) already expected me to clean the kitchen, toilet & wash the dishes after them.


I was taught from young, as a \"guest\", we should not be messing around other people's house as a form of courtesy, apparently in this case, I was wrong! I was the \"studious\" type, nvr done any housework my whole life in my mother's house. So I was young and innocently naive and did not know the \"expectations\" from my \"future\" MIL.

Thus when I didn't do as expected (I helped to wash the dishes after dinner but did not clean and mop the floor and wash the toilets), I was immediately given the cold treatment. And DH heard complaints from his mum after I left. From then on, she would always find faults with me le...

I am my mother's precious daughter, and my mum will feel heart-pain if she knows I am bring treated like a 'maid' in someone else's house. Would you ask your son's GF during her first visit to clean, mop the floor and wash the toilets for you? Would you want your own daughter to be treated like a 'maid'?

己所不欲，勿施于人.

I always tell my DH, I think wat his mum need is not DILs but Maids. All her sons should marry maids....

I have 3 boys, but I do not think I will do that do their GFs.... No matter what, they are still guests....

[sleepy]

popireis:

When I visited DH (then BF) house for the first time to have dinner, his mum (now my MIL) already expected me to clean the kitchen, toilet & wash the dishes after them.


I was taught from young, as a \"guest\", we should not be messing around other people's house as a form of courtesy, apparently in this case, I was wrong! I was the \"studious\" type, nvr done any housework my whole life in my mother's house. So I was young and innocently naive and did not know the \"expectations\" from my \"future\" MIL.

Thus when I didn't do as expected (I helped to wash the dishes after dinner but did not clean and mop the floor and wash the toilets), I was immediately given the cold treatment. And DH heard complaints from his mum after I left. From then on, she would always find faults with me le...

I am my mother's precious daughter, and my mum will feel heart-pain if she knows I am bring treated like a 'maid' in someone else's house. Would you ask your son's GF during her first visit to clean, mop the floor and wash the toilets for you? Would you want your own daughter to be treated like a 'maid'?

己所不欲，勿施于人.

I always tell my DH, I think wat his mum need is not DILs but Maids. All her sons should marry maids....

Actually I would have :siam: immediately :nailbite: won't dare to consider marrying the son :nailbite:

My mum hinted to me to set right expectation from day 1. She shared countless times about a neighbour's daughter experience of being treated like a maid in her bf's house when they're not even married. Yet that neighbour's daughter still dutifully park herself at bf's house every weekend to help clean his house. That neighbour was super pissed with her daughter and her bf's family. True enough, after marriage, she is like the desinated maid for her dh's entire family. And when she come home complaining to her mum, her mum told her that was the expected outcome

After hearing that scary tale so many times, I dare not offer to do any housework whenever I visited my dh's (bf then) house. I tried not to visit too often too, only on special ocassion when invited. Must set expectation from day 1. And since I'm the guest, I never offer to wash dishes or clean up after dinner either (although I think out of politeness I should offer but I really dare not start). At most I bring my plate to the basin. Of course MIL writes me off as an incapable DIL but at least she has very low expectation of me in the domestic dept since day 1 :evil:

She didn't oppose her son courting me though. She thought I'm a good catch for her son because of my many paper qualifications & perceived earning power. But she didn't count on me becoming a SAHM that's why started picking on me after I quit my job aiyo I had a lot of hard time during those years Fortunately 都是过去的事 now she more or less resigned to accept my non income generating status. I'm grateful

[popireis]

sleepy:

Actually I would have :siam: immediately :nailbite: won't dare to consider marrying the son :nailbite:


My mum hinted to me to set right expectation from day 1. She shared countless times about a neighbour's daughter experience of being treated like a maid in her bf's house when they're not even married. Yet that neighbour's daughter still dutifully park herself at bf's house every weekend to help clean his house. That neighbour was super pissed with her daughter and her bf's family. True enough, after marriage, she is like the desinated maid for her dh's entire family. And when she come home complaining to her mum, her mum told her that was the expected outcome

After hearing that scary tale so many times, I dare not offer to do any housework whenever I visited my dh's (bf then) house. I tried not to visit too often too, only on special ocassion when invited. Must set expectation from day 1. And I never offer to wash dishes or clean up after dinner either. At most I bring my plate to the basin. Of course MIL writes me off as an incapable DIL but at least she has very low expectation of me in the domestic dept since day 1 :evil:

Hahaha dunno why I nvr :siam: at that time :rotflmao:

But I oso nvr do any housework for them la, only wash the dishes after dinner, even though I know MIL expected more than that. Even after marriage, and during the time when we stayed together, I oso still stick to washing dishes only :rotflmao:

Reason being I know what I do will NEVER meet her expectations, so no point trying too hard. And due to busy work schedule, plus looking after kids after work, where got time to do more? I leave the sweeping and mopping to DH (when we dun hv maid) :evil:

Doesn't your MIL complain about it? Mine broadcasted to all her relatives about my \"incapability\" to cook (I prefer western style cooking and it doesn't suit my MIL taste) and do housework and I oso kena from Grand-MIL and the 三姑六婆.

Now I have learnt to just ignore (they still bring this up every now & then and mocked my cooking though they have nvr tasted my cooking before). As long as my DC loves it, who cares about the rest!

[SAHM Chew]

sleepy:

popireis:

When I visited DH (then BF) house for the first time to have dinner, his mum (now my MIL) already expected me to clean the kitchen, toilet & wash the dishes after them.


I was taught from young, as a \"guest\", we should not be messing around other people's house as a form of courtesy, apparently in this case, I was wrong! I was the \"studious\" type, nvr done any housework my whole life in my mother's house. So I was young and innocently naive and did not know the \"expectations\" from my \"future\" MIL.

Thus when I didn't do as expected (I helped to wash the dishes after dinner but did not clean and mop the floor and wash the toilets), I was immediately given the cold treatment. And DH heard complaints from his mum after I left. From then on, she would always find faults with me le...

I am my mother's precious daughter, and my mum will feel heart-pain if she knows I am bring treated like a 'maid' in someone else's house. Would you ask your son's GF during her first visit to clean, mop the floor and wash the toilets for you? Would you want your own daughter to be treated like a 'maid'?

己所不欲，勿施于人.

I always tell my DH, I think wat his mum need is not DILs but Maids. All her sons should marry maids....

Actually I would have :siam: immediately :nailbite: won't dare to consider marrying the son :nailbite:

My mum hinted to me to set right expectation from day 1. She shared countless times about a neighbour's daughter experience of being treated like a maid in her bf's house when they're not even married. Yet that neighbour's daughter still dutifully park herself at bf's house every weekend to help clean his house. That neighbour was super pissed with her daughter and her bf's family. True enough, after marriage, she is like the desinated maid for her dh's entire family. And when she come home complaining to her mum, her mum told her that was the expected outcome

After hearing that scary tale so many times, I dare not offer to do any housework whenever I visited my dh's (bf then) house. I tried not to visit too often too, only on special ocassion when invited. Must set expectation from day 1. And since I'm the guest, I never offer to wash dishes or clean up after dinner either (although I think out of politeness I should offer but I really dare not start). At most I bring my plate to the basin. Of course MIL writes me off as an incapable DIL but at least she has very low expectation of me in the domestic dept since day 1 :evil:

I am also sort of expected to do the housework for my ILs as we stayed together. Initially, I did whatever I can as we are staying in a landed house, therefore, I try to help out in area which I did not use. Eg, living room, dining room, and even painting the exterior of the house, gate, cleaning of the whole level one ( wiping all the doors, windows, packing the whole kitchen) before CNY as nobody (mil, sil) are not willing to clean although they used the place everyday.
But after the huge quarrel with MIL in 2011, I kept my distance, although we are still staying together. 2012 CNY, ILs, SIL expected me to do my duties as what I have done every year before the huge quarrel, to clean up the house and painted the house. I did not do that.
This year, they knew that I will not do it, therefore, they ask the cleaning aunty to come over and clean.
In my opinion, I felt that I should just do my job, to look after the kids, n not be a maid to them. Once I started to be the maid, I am expected to do it.
Now, I realized that since I kept my distance, there are less issues.

[Imami]

sleepy:

MMM:

I felt sad as my auntie is a very nice lady. I wondered if things would have been different if she had stayed with her son... This incident made me have a different view of things. We are staying with pils but my parents are on their own since I am the only child. I told my dh that I don't think I would allow my parent to stay alone especially if one has passed on.


I told my dc that we should treasure our loved ones. This applies to grandparents. They should not be rude/ take them for granted and instead should be appreciative as we never know when they would suddenly leave us. It would be too late to regret when things happen.

Yes, no matter what wrong or grievances in the past 别太计较.
Our ILs are afterall aged.

MIL lives with BIL after FIL passed away to help babysit their kids. But couple years back she was 'kicked out' by SIL when they don't need her 'service' anymore so she quietly moved back to her own flat.

MIL's relative is currently free loading in her house on weekdays. Relative returned to Malaysia on weekends. Although not paying rental, the plus point is at least there's someone around on weekday evenings. On weekends she will be home alone though so dh will call every weekend to check on her

My mum always tell us - 不要计较, 不要比较,最好是不要呱呱叫