桃花谈

[hquek]

hi cool_hi,


my personal views. nope, not silly - as long as that makes you happy. I don’t spend on myself much and I don’t quite care to. I am happier buying stuff for kids. The one thing I do spend on myself these days are books. guess the key thing would be to feel you are not shortchanging yourself.

[limlim]

insider:

Two months ago I met a 烂桃花.


So, while I am not interested in that 烂桃花 whom I made clear to him that I am married with kids, I am interested to do my little matchmaking.

Can share why you call him a \"烂桃花\"? what happened?

[insider]

limlim:

Can share why you call him a \"烂桃花\"? what happened?

Hahaha....limlim seems only interested in the 'juice'...

OK ladies, let's shelve the Money Talk to perhaps another time.

I can have another two threads on 金钱论 and 生死讲 but I a bit scared to open new threads coz it requires a commitment to visit the threads to water the seeds regularly to see they grow into meaningful plants...

[Funz]

I have this thing that has been kinda a nagging worry that surfaces now and then. That is why I don’t quite like the idea of fortune telling


The fengshui master that DH engaged took all our birth details. He saw DS and went like wow, this boy will be da lao ban next time. But according to his and your wife’s life plate, he will ke(4) your wife. He then went on to tell us that we must find DS godparents. And they must not be of the same surname.

I did not want to have our fortune told at all. DH said it was a feng shui thing to improve qi of the home. So when the master started telling us that, I was blindsided. I walked away from the consultation but too late, the seed has been planted.

This thread brought that nagging worry back again.

[ammonite]

- delete -

[Coolkidsrock2]

insider:

Coolkidsrock2:

My son just asked me today why is it that I cannot stand with him in life.

sorry I don't get this. What did he mean huh?

He probably means something to the effect of why I cannot 伴他走人生的路, why must I leave him some day ....

Thanks for the advice. Will try to put into practice.

[work2wdhappiness]

Hi Insider


Thank you for your selfless sharing. After reading the posts, I want to reflect on my relationship with my MIL.

My FIL is deceased for the past 10 years. My MIL has numerous children who welcome her to stay with them but she chooses to stay alone and lament this fact. She is not satisfied with her life and has the habit of comparing whoever is with her against other people who she perceives to be better examples of filial children and lucky parents. I married her favourite son. I am a quiet and reserved person who avoids confrontation. I "endure" her scoldings and try my best not to put my husband in a difficult position. The more I endured, the harsher the scoldings became. The last 4 years I changed from "enduring" after a meltdown to politely telling her my stand and carrying on doing what I feel is right for me. I actively sought to explain my stand to my SILs instead of them calling me up to berate me over the matter. Then I realised all these years she has used SIL names to reinforce her own "comments" on my laziness and family skills. On most days when my husband is not around she will not even acknowledge my greeting. She believes in witholding her blessing as she thinks her children are not good enough and wholeheartedly believe that. Of course, I cannot even be placed in her regard. I tried reasoning with her once because I know how often her children call/visit. Even ourselves. But she thinks otherwise.

Before reading your sharings, I thought I was doing the right thing. It has come to a point that I no longer lift a finger to do anything for her because whatever I do will be redone /put down by MIL to show me that I have no value. I try to treat her with respect. I will walk away when I hear her starting to scold me/my children/husband and will hurry my husband to cut the visit short. Dinners eaten with her are invariably a long litany of our misdeeds. I insist my children greet her and kiss/hug her before we leave because I think she is lonely inside. But I cannot love her. I cannot even bring myself to hold her hand. If she needs help navigating steps, I will ask my kids to help her. I sincerely do not like to visit her but when hubby asks I will go. I am scared of the day she will stay with us permanently when mobility is an issue cos I think hubby will want it and I do not have the conviction to fight with him over this - she is his mother. I dread that day as my home will not be home anymore.

Just yesterday, she boiled tonic and asked husband to give me a share. In the past she often "plays" similar games to prove she is a good MIL. After reading your sharing, I try to drink the tonic and believe she did it genuinely. I will try to open my heart again to her. I will take things at face value and not worry about hidden intentions. But it is hard. I have human failing of pride and fear.

[SAHM_TAN]

Hi insider,


Thanks for commenting on my short homework. I couldn’t read after the 1st paragraph.

Events started to "test" me after I started reading this thread. Keeping in mind what you and others have shared, some events I managed better than what I would have done in the past. Day 1, I was greeted with 3 of my Achellis’ heel type problem, one in the morning, one in the afternoon and one at night. These 3 I handled better than I have ever done, not best resolution but much better. Day 2, I was "tested" again but I failed miserably. I guess I thought the testing period was over but I was wrong. I did very badly but one thing changed, I didn’t let my failure roll over to the next day. This is something different. I will do what I can. It’s a feeble promise but after experiencing average success…I will take each test as it comes.

I cannot give you a reason why I cannot read after the 1st paragraph. I will read but now I can’t. It doesn’t make sense I know.

[ImMeeMee]

insider:

Hahaha....limlim seems only interested in the 'juice'...

OK ladies, let's shelve the Money Talk to perhaps another time.

I can have another two threads on 金钱论 and 生死讲 but I a bit scared to open new threads coz it requires a commitment to visit the threads to water the seeds regularly to see they grow into meaningful plants...

Insider, as you can see, you have a strong following now, and we are all 'growing into meaningful plants'.

I am certain the encouragement would be worth the commitment to start new threads to teach and learn ...

I look forward ...

[BlueBells]

All the posts shared have been massively insightful and thought provoking.


Not sure how I should start, but would like to do some sharing too …

We used to visit my PIL (BIL stays with them) every alternate week over the the first 10+ years of my marriage. In 2011, PIL and BIL moved into their newly upgraded enbloc flat, with BIL being the newly minted part owner due to PIL’s age for loans, etc. due to the upgrade of flat size. MIL has since frequently mentioned that it is BIL’s flat, and duly lets BIL and wife occupy the master bedroom.

I am not at well versed with Geomacy and stuff, but I believed this totally changed the dynamics in the household. I visited the new flat before renovation and found the flat to be cheerful and welcoming despite being bare, the "nice" feeling that most of us would get if the Qi of place is in harmony (not sure if I make sense here?). After they moved in, it’s all changed. Whenever we visited, the place will always bring down our moods, and it’s not just mine, but my hubby’s as well. It is almost the same as the old flat, the only difference is that the new flat is brighter than the old flat. To me, it is a sad place, lack of genuine laughter and care, and everything / everyone is treating one another very superficially.

Since their move, my hubby has rarely wanted to visit. It used to be, no matter how unhappy / moody I felt, I would still visit during the visitation weeks because I feel that it is only right to do so, regardless of how I felt. I also wanted to educate my children that regardless, we must always visit our parents / grandparents. Now, I have to be the one asking my hubby when he wants to visit his parents, and even have to plan it in our schedule to visit. It’s so ironic.

I asked my hubby what has changed, since they are still his parents. He said, "I have grown up". I have to laugh at this, but seriously, I think the change in my PIL’s household dynamics have given rise to some positiveness for my hubby. I think my hubby has finally been able to let go of something, though I am not sure what. Maybe the old flat is holding him down because the old flat was where he gew up and where he was the main pilar of strength for MIL during some really trying times, and this new place has no holding over him or whatsoever, I don’t know. What I do know is that, with this "let go" that has taken place, I feel a greater inner peace myself too, and is able to come to terms with some of the happenings, and I can feel myself being a tiny bit more forgiving for the double standards that MIL practices.

Funny as it would be, I also start to feel some empathy for my PIL. Not sure why, but I think MIL would been happier if they are staying by themselves.

I know I still have some stuff to let go, and close an eye to, such as their flawed values - that it is acceptable for BIL and wife not to visit ANY relatives and grandparents at all during the 15 days of CNY. This set of flawed values makes me very angry, but I have just barely gotten over it.

I figured if one day, I am able to rebuke / correct MIL for her flawed values just as I would if she is my own mum, our relationship will be better. I need the 智 and 勇 to approach this.