桃花谈
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insider:
He probably means something to the effect of why I cannot 伴他走人生的路, why must I leave him some day ....Coolkidsrock2:
My son just asked me today why is it that I cannot stand with him in life.
sorry I don't get this. What did he mean huh?
Thanks for the advice. Will try to put into practice. -
Hi Insider
Thank you for your selfless sharing. After reading the posts, I want to reflect on my relationship with my MIL.
My FIL is deceased for the past 10 years. My MIL has numerous children who welcome her to stay with them but she chooses to stay alone and lament this fact. She is not satisfied with her life and has the habit of comparing whoever is with her against other people who she perceives to be better examples of filial children and lucky parents. I married her favourite son. I am a quiet and reserved person who avoids confrontation. I "endure" her scoldings and try my best not to put my husband in a difficult position. The more I endured, the harsher the scoldings became. The last 4 years I changed from "enduring" after a meltdown to politely telling her my stand and carrying on doing what I feel is right for me. I actively sought to explain my stand to my SILs instead of them calling me up to berate me over the matter. Then I realised all these years she has used SIL names to reinforce her own "comments" on my laziness and family skills. On most days when my husband is not around she will not even acknowledge my greeting. She believes in witholding her blessing as she thinks her children are not good enough and wholeheartedly believe that. Of course, I cannot even be placed in her regard. I tried reasoning with her once because I know how often her children call/visit. Even ourselves. But she thinks otherwise.
Before reading your sharings, I thought I was doing the right thing. It has come to a point that I no longer lift a finger to do anything for her because whatever I do will be redone /put down by MIL to show me that I have no value. I try to treat her with respect. I will walk away when I hear her starting to scold me/my children/husband and will hurry my husband to cut the visit short. Dinners eaten with her are invariably a long litany of our misdeeds. I insist my children greet her and kiss/hug her before we leave because I think she is lonely inside. But I cannot love her. I cannot even bring myself to hold her hand. If she needs help navigating steps, I will ask my kids to help her. I sincerely do not like to visit her but when hubby asks I will go. I am scared of the day she will stay with us permanently when mobility is an issue cos I think hubby will want it and I do not have the conviction to fight with him over this - she is his mother. I dread that day as my home will not be home anymore.
Just yesterday, she boiled tonic and asked husband to give me a share. In the past she often "plays" similar games to prove she is a good MIL. After reading your sharing, I try to drink the tonic and believe she did it genuinely. I will try to open my heart again to her. I will take things at face value and not worry about hidden intentions. But it is hard. I have human failing of pride and fear. -
Hi insider,
Thanks for commenting on my short homework. I couldn’t read after the 1st paragraph.
Events started to "test" me after I started reading this thread. Keeping in mind what you and others have shared, some events I managed better than what I would have done in the past. Day 1, I was greeted with 3 of my Achellis’ heel type problem, one in the morning, one in the afternoon and one at night. These 3 I handled better than I have ever done, not best resolution but much better. Day 2, I was "tested" again but I failed miserably. I guess I thought the testing period was over but I was wrong. I did very badly but one thing changed, I didn’t let my failure roll over to the next day. This is something different. I will do what I can. It’s a feeble promise but after experiencing average success…I will take each test as it comes.
I cannot give you a reason why I cannot read after the 1st paragraph. I will read but now I can’t. It doesn’t make sense I know. -
insider:
Insider, as you can see, you have a strong following now, and we are all 'growing into meaningful plants'.
Hahaha....limlim seems only interested in the 'juice'...
OK ladies, let's shelve the Money Talk to perhaps another time.
I can have another two threads on 金钱论 and 生死讲 but I a bit scared to open new threads coz it requires a commitment to visit the threads to water the seeds regularly to see they grow into meaningful plants...
I am certain the encouragement would be worth the commitment to start new threads to teach and learn ...
I look forward ...
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All the posts shared have been massively insightful and thought provoking.
Not sure how I should start, but would like to do some sharing too …
We used to visit my PIL (BIL stays with them) every alternate week over the the first 10+ years of my marriage. In 2011, PIL and BIL moved into their newly upgraded enbloc flat, with BIL being the newly minted part owner due to PIL’s age for loans, etc. due to the upgrade of flat size. MIL has since frequently mentioned that it is BIL’s flat, and duly lets BIL and wife occupy the master bedroom.
I am not at well versed with Geomacy and stuff, but I believed this totally changed the dynamics in the household. I visited the new flat before renovation and found the flat to be cheerful and welcoming despite being bare, the "nice" feeling that most of us would get if the Qi of place is in harmony (not sure if I make sense here?). After they moved in, it’s all changed. Whenever we visited, the place will always bring down our moods, and it’s not just mine, but my hubby’s as well. It is almost the same as the old flat, the only difference is that the new flat is brighter than the old flat. To me, it is a sad place, lack of genuine laughter and care, and everything / everyone is treating one another very superficially.
Since their move, my hubby has rarely wanted to visit. It used to be, no matter how unhappy / moody I felt, I would still visit during the visitation weeks because I feel that it is only right to do so, regardless of how I felt. I also wanted to educate my children that regardless, we must always visit our parents / grandparents. Now, I have to be the one asking my hubby when he wants to visit his parents, and even have to plan it in our schedule to visit. It’s so ironic.
I asked my hubby what has changed, since they are still his parents. He said, "I have grown up". I have to laugh at this, but seriously, I think the change in my PIL’s household dynamics have given rise to some positiveness for my hubby. I think my hubby has finally been able to let go of something, though I am not sure what. Maybe the old flat is holding him down because the old flat was where he gew up and where he was the main pilar of strength for MIL during some really trying times, and this new place has no holding over him or whatsoever, I don’t know. What I do know is that, with this "let go" that has taken place, I feel a greater inner peace myself too, and is able to come to terms with some of the happenings, and I can feel myself being a tiny bit more forgiving for the double standards that MIL practices.
Funny as it would be, I also start to feel some empathy for my PIL. Not sure why, but I think MIL would been happier if they are staying by themselves.
I know I still have some stuff to let go, and close an eye to, such as their flawed values - that it is acceptable for BIL and wife not to visit ANY relatives and grandparents at all during the 15 days of CNY. This set of flawed values makes me very angry, but I have just barely gotten over it.
I figured if one day, I am able to rebuke / correct MIL for her flawed values just as I would if she is my own mum, our relationship will be better. I need the 智 and 勇 to approach this. -
limlim:
must be those 桃花 who is not 贵人 that can help but those fatal attraction with no love but filled with greed and lust.
Can share why you call him a \"烂桃花\"? what happened?insider:
Two months ago I met a 烂桃花.
So, while I am not interested in that 烂桃花 whom I made clear to him that I am married with kids, I am interested to do my little matchmaking.
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Per title mah.....
no answer to my question..... :sad: -
Hi,
Seems that many of the sharings concerned relationship with in laws, particularly, MIL. I remember reading many years ago, about the story of a woman who was so angry with her MIL that she plotted to kill her. I googled and found it! Hope it can be a source of inspiration for some of us.....
The Poison of Love
by Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming
A long time ago, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.
In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing the poor husband great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.
Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.
Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.
Li-Li said, \"Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.\"
Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.
He told Li-Li, \"You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some pork or chicken and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.\"
Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.
After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument in six months with her mother-in-law, who now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.
The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.
One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, \"Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.\"
Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. \"Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. All of the herbs I gave you were simply to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.\"
MORAL: Friends, have you ever realized that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? In China it is said: The person who loves others will also be loved.
Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming, is a renowned author and teacher of Chinese martial arts and Qigong. Born in Taiwan, he has trained and taught Taijiquan, Qigong and Chinese martial arts for over forty-five years. He is the author of over thirty books, and was elected by Inside Kung Fu magazine as one of the 10 people who has \"made the greatest impact on martial arts in the past 100 years.\" Dr. Yang lives in Northern California. -
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