In-law problems?

[SAHM Chew]

I had a maid when my DS1 was born. Had it for a short period as PIL do not like any stranger to live in… After that, for the last 9 yrs +, I had to survive without the maid and take everything upon myself. I am fine with that, if I am not staying with my PIL, Sil. But to stay with them and they refused to help out really make the matter worst. The worst is our differences. I grew up in a family of saver, which my dad is a extreme saver. Reason being that my mum passed away when I am still young and dad had to raise 3 kids on his own.

My PIL is the opposite. They are the extreme spenders in my opinion. Same with my DH and SIL. They waste water, electricity like nobody’s business.
Since I stayed with everyone, and everyone is a spender, it really make me frustrated.
DH do not understand, or rather, he does not care.

[carilyn]

Laura02:

There’s various way to try:
You can add the crushed medicine to the food or liquid she takes. Some patients may still refuse if the medicine tastes bitter, so add to a sweeter flavored or heavier taste food. Most dementia patients would have lost the taste of food once they progress to certain stage, but many "based" the taste on memory. So if you can add to the food they like, higher rate of success.
You can also try not to crushed the medicine but give her the whole tablet and tell her it’s for her flu or cold. I know we shouldn’t lie, but on and off there is really no choice. But make sure she has not lost the ability to swallow if you use this method. Again, in advance stage, most patients lost the ability to eat…yes, eating has to be learnt…we teach babies and little children to chew food…the dementia patients goes backward…they forget.
If both ways fail, let the doctor knows. They may have some other forms of medicine. Also, the refusal may indicate hallucinations esp suspicion that the medicines are poison and someone (yes, the suspect the closest kin too) is out to harm them. The doctor may need to start here on medicine to help control the hallucination part.
The violent part- talk to the doctor to see if he has to change the medicine. There are medicine to make them more calm. We went thru many different "cocktails" of medicine before we find the right mix. Some doctors are unwilling to prescribe certain medicine or increase dosage becoz of the side effects, but the family has to decide whether quality or quantity of life is more important. My mil had increase in dosage as she was so suspicious and violent that she is practically in living hell every day. She was so confused and scared so her only way to express was thru violence. We are at wit’s end but the increase calm her down so much that she was so much more peaceful. After a few mths, the doctor cuts down her dosage and for a while she was still peaceful. But the whole process repeat.
Sending her to hospital is not a solution. The hospitals staffs are not trained to handle dementia patients and many a times it add more stress and confusion to the patients.

[janet88]

if hubby's parents have health problems, i dread to think of the problems which will arise...my grandmother has dementia and it is so hard to handle her...imagine x2 :faint:


on 1st day of cny, hubby suggested to her renting out a master bedroom to supplement...since he and siblings cannot afford to increase. his mother said she would rather buy another 3 room flat than rent out a room. their present 3 room is already fully paid...but she wants to buy a 3 room flat in town area :siao: sell high, buy even higher. who is going to top up? since nobody can handle her, it's back to square 1...keep quiet.

SIL suggested getting a studio apt for elderly...comes fitted with railings etc etc for senior citizens...but old one said CANNOT...bcos her daughter and her family has no where to stay if she comes back for visit :slapshead:

every option suggested is thrown out.

[Laura02]

Hi Carilyn,


Thanks for your suggestions and for your insights into why dementia patients may behave the way they do. I think that perhaps MIL does not know how to swallow because now we give puree all the food for her.

I too have found that most general wards in the hospitals do not manage patients with dementia well, but TTSH has a ward specially designed for patients with dementia with specially trained staff to care for them. There was an article in the papers about it, with FIL's photo because he was in the ward at that time.

[AdonciaTang]

SAHM Chew:

I had a maid when my DS1 was born. Had it for a short period as PIL do not like any stranger to live in... After that, for the last 9 yrs +, I had to survive without the maid and take everything upon myself. I am fine with that, if I am not staying with my PIL, Sil. But to stay with them and they refused to help out really make the matter worst. The worst is our differences. I grew up in a family of saver, which my dad is a extreme saver. Reason being that my mum passed away when I am still young and dad had to raise 3 kids on his own.

My PIL is the opposite. They are the extreme spenders in my opinion. Same with my DH and SIL. They waste water, electricity like nobody's business.
Since I stayed with everyone, and everyone is a spender, it really make me frustrated.
DH do not understand, or rather, he does not care.

The differences make it even it worse

[buds]

The ILs came over today, which was actually invitation by my initiation since they had some family stuff to discuss with hubs and instead of meeting them outside or just downstairs where we reside, (like he normally does for quick catch-ups) I told him just invite them over. They have also not seen the kids for some time.


What was in it for me? :skeptical:

As usual, the ILs NEVER disappoint. :salute:
They had to say things to hurt my feelings.

There is NO silver lining in this relationship.

PERIOD.

[auntieM]

buds:

The ILs came over today, which was actually invitation by my initiation since they had some family stuff to discuss with hubs and instead of meeting them outside or just downstairs where we reside, (like he normally does for quick catch-ups) I told him just invite them over. They have also not seen the kids for some time.


What was in it for me? :skeptical:

As usual, the ILs NEVER disappoint. :salute:
They had to say things to hurt my feelings.

There is NO silver lining in this relationship.

PERIOD.

Oh buds.. .. :hugs: ..

[vinegar]

buds:

The ILs came over today, which was actually invitation by my initiation since they had some family stuff to discuss with hubs and instead of meeting them outside or just downstairs where we reside, (like he normally does for quick catch-ups) I told him just invite them over. They have also not seen the kids for some time.


What was in it for me? :skeptical:

As usual, the ILs NEVER disappoint. :salute:
They had to say things to hurt my feelings.

There is NO silver lining in this relationship.

PERIOD.

buds,
:hugs: u take care of ur dh n children well....what else they expect?

[ngl2010]

buds:

The ILs came over today, which was actually invitation by my initiation since they had some family stuff to discuss with hubs and instead of meeting them outside or just downstairs where we reside, (like he normally does for quick catch-ups) I told him just invite them over. They have also not seen the kids for some time.


What was in it for me? :skeptical:

As usual, the ILs NEVER disappoint. :salute:
They had to say things to hurt my feelings.

There is NO silver lining in this relationship.

PERIOD.

Can you :stompfeet: to buds_hubs? Just to let out your anger...

Or, if you dare, one day you should just voice out your anger to your ILs. I screamed at my MIL once (I was really really loud and scarry...) and she did not dare to criticize me anymore although she still criticizes me in front of my son, DH and other people. That is enough for me :boogie: I don't care as long as not in front of me.

[buds]

vinegar:

buds,
:hugs: u take care of ur dh n children well....what else they expect?

I strongly believe they expected someone else instead of me as DIL.

In those last painful ten years I had to live with them, they have managed to make a confident and cheerful me reduced to an extremely emotionally strained and unhappy me, like I owe them a living.. like I did them wrong.. like I was worthless.

Because of today's visit, this heart is aching and I'm slowly being brought to those very sad days I had to endure alone. That time, I felt that God had left me to fend on my own but when I realized that I was still alive because what shit I went thru didn't kill me I knew that there was something I had to do to change the course of my existence.

Today, I dunno if what I did differently to change the course of my life was worth it.