Relationship b/w FTWM & children vs SAHM & children

[mummy of 2]

autumnbronze:

She was miserable with her ILs and instead of making a choice NOT to be like that with her kids and DILs, she remained as she was. I mean, which mother will tell a child \"don't waste your time dreaming ... dreams will never come true\" :?

Can't believe you went thru this too. When I was deciding which JC to go to, my mother actually told me\" you better go Poly, who knows whether you can go to uni?\" :x

My mother also practices favouritism. My brother, who is the only son, is her favourite. My sister, who is more diplomatic, and does not rebut her directly (unlike me), is her no 2 fav.

Sad to say, her r/p with all of us are not good. We don't confide in her. In afct she knows so little about me. All she's interested in is complaining about her own fate (which i think she is partly responsible for). She never thought for a moment that we also have our own problems, issues or unhappiness that we need to vent.

I hate receiving her calls, as it can be a 30-45 minute monologue, during which i say less than 10 sentences. There is no point telling her to see things from another perspective etc as she will only take offence, and think that you are saying she's wrong while the other party is rite. It is also emotionally draining, as i tend to feel upset after listening to all her grumbling and complaints, and also guilt that I'm not doing more for her. But i just can't bring myself to do more, like talk to her more, or show more concern for her. Simply because our r/p is not like that, and will never be. And she can call me during office hours, and start rambling without even asking if it's convenient to me. :x Basically it's all about her.

[rains]

The SAHMs of yesteryears are a different breed. Most of the time, they did not hold the pursestring and they were financially dependant on their husbands. They had to put up with their husbands’ infidelity if there was any, and their MILs’ unreasonable demands. I’m not sure if it applies to your mothers, but mine was not very educated and so she inherited all the traditional and asian ways of thinking from her own parents.


When we were young, my mother often told us this,"There’s no use studying. No matter how hard you study is also the same." Which mother would discourage her children from studying? When my 3rd sister and I were taking A levels, she said we wouldn’t make it.

Like your mothers, mine complained alot about her fate as well. We were unsympathetic towards her especially when we were teenagers.

I didn’t understand my mother until I became a mother myself. I realised that she didn’t understand the importance of education, and spoke as she thought. It wasn’t becos she didn’t love us. She loved us in her own uneducated ways. 7 children, and insisted on taking care of us on her own.

We seldom reason with our mother knowing that she probably won’t be able to understand, but we would dramatise a line or two in reaction of what she says to let her see why others don’t agree. Our objective is not to make her understand tho, but rather just to say what we want instead of keeping quiet. If she understands, good. If she doesn’t, forget it.

[foreverj]

its great to see all the mummies pouring their hearts out on their own relationships with their mums. i guess rightly or wrongly, our own relationship with our mums wil impact the way we want to bring up our own children.


perhaps i could share more on my r/s with my mum, in the hope that the mummies here can be more conscious of how they deal with their own children next time. i finally realised the crux of our unhappiness with our mum after i met my dh. my mum, after so many years of having to please the entire clan of my dad, ended up trying to please people (mainly relatives and friends) all the time.

everything we do, must make sure cannot offend this person, that person. it was as ridiculous as this. my dh, myself and dd did not feel well halfway during CNY. so after resting a while at her home, we wanted to go home to rest since my parents wanted to go out to another auntie’s home. guess what? my mum was so worried abt offending the auntie that we r not going she almost wanted to scold us. my brother was like - come on, they are all sick and not feeling well, how to go?

same cny, a week later, my sister had tummyache during dinnertime. we had wanted to visit another auntie. we were very near home so i said y not we send her back. my parents were peeved that y we couldn’t make it for this visit in the end too. my sister was so sick she ran to the toilet almost twice or three times.

so conclusion - my mum is more worried abt her own "face" than the welfare of her own children. so very seldom u see any of us confide in her, cos she wil end up saying u should do this, do that etc etc. most times when u confide in someone, u just want a listening ear, not a preacher or a nagging tongue.

thankfully these days our r/s has improved, esp after i got married. mainly becos i dun need to see her 7 days a week anymore. n to a certain extent, she can see i m bringing up my dd quite well, in an almost selfless way which is natural in a mother-child r/s. so maybe she has softened and changed her attitude to me too.

[Mrsbongz]

I was previously a SAHM and currently FTWM now… I stayed home with my children when they were infants, and when the were old enough to go childcare, I went back to work to help relieve my hubby of his stress of having to handle the financial burden alone. We do plan for me to stay home at least part time in a year or 2.


From my experience, I do feel that there is a difference in the quality of time I can spend with the kids. But having said that, as a SAHM, i have to handle alot of housework etc, and the time I have for myself or my kids are limited too. As a FTWM, i at least get some breathing space, lunch hour is for mommy, to shop or at least eat in peace. And I find myself less stressed and more able to spend what little time I have at home just playing and talking to them.

I think whichever decision a mommy makes, it comes from the heart, and how we make use of the time we have is more important than how much time we have ya?

[toddles]

mummy of 2:

I speak from personal experience, as my mother was a SAHM but my relationship with her is worse than with my MIL. While she is physically at home, she is not emotionally connected to us. She is more concerned about getting the housework done than spending time with us. I do not know if that is how she shows her love for us, but it does not work for me As my mother, she does not even know that I do not eat spicy food. I went back for dinner recently, and she asked me to eat the curry she cooked. Most of the dishes were spicy and I ended up eating only one egg and rice for dinner.

With such a childhood, I told myself I do not want to be like my mother. I want to be involved with my kids, and let them know I love them in ways they can appreciate. Hope I can do what I aspire to.

I have a similar experience! sometimes I feel that I get along better with my MIL than my own mother. feel bad about it, but most times I Feel that my mum is really unreasonable.

MIL was FTWM and my mum was SAHM since I was 7. Ultimately I feel that some things boil down to the individual (their personality, their psychoses, their quirks) but i think some things can be attributed to whether they worked or not.

I attribute my mum's insecurity, narrow-mindedness (in some areas) and lack of trust of others to being very insular and not exposed to working relationships, the wider world at large, for most of her life. But then again, she likes to advise me on working relationships (how i must say this, must not say that) cos she has worked for about 10 yrs prior to stopping work. Perhaps she just had bad experiences in life/work.

I was SAHM for a while, and now FTWM. In some ways, I feel that being a FTWM makes me more of a balanced person.

in the early days before I became a mother and just after i became a mother, I was very very sure that sahm-hood was the best, and that there was only one choice. And that with some financial sacrifices, it's always possible to have one parent at home all the time.

But now that I have gone back to work, I feel that this might not always be the case.

Sometimes the relationship with the child might be better if the mum is a ftwm. And in most cases, the mum gets more personal space and time (lunch hour is something that I've come to really appreciate) which makes for a more balanced, happy mum, overall?

Somehow it also reminds me of breastfeeding. Nursing totally is best if possible, but if it makes the mum a mental wreck, then perhaps formula + happy sane mum is better than nursing + half-gone mum?

Overall, just wanna add my two cents worth that although my mum was a sahm my relationship with her is far from ideal. And I know of others who had ftwm but as adults, their relationships with their mums are very close.

Sorry for the long ramble....

[mummy of 2]

Hi toddles


Thanks for your sharing. It’s reassuirng to know that I’m not the only one who has better r/p with MIL than own mother. I do not really dare to voice it out to people I know as they usually give me an incredulous look like "How can that be possible?"

Somehow it seems that daughters must be very close to mothers and if the reality is ohterwise, it’s unimaginable. The guilt also comes naturally.

[foreverj]

hi toddles and mummy of 2


same boat here. i find mil easier to live with than my own mum, (although right now r/s with mil has whole load of other issues ). so dun feel alone ya? maybe the reason y we love our kids more is so that our r/s wth them wil be better than our r/s with our own mums?

[mummy of 2]

I also have issues with MIL (related to SIL). But even with that, I still prefer MIL.

[foreverj]

mummy of 2:

I also have issues with MIL (related to SIL). But even with that, I still prefer MIL.

eh? r u me? sigh, women is women. def got conflict la when put women together hehe...anyway dun get side-tracked under this thread la...we r venturing into MIL/SIL issues...

[mummy of 2]

Once again, glad to know my situation is not unique. Misery loves company :stupid: