Relationship b/w FTWM & children vs SAHM & children
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[quote]so i guess end of day, it boils down to the character and personality of the mother herself. if she is a loving and warm person, not selfish nor self-centred, and she still affords quality time with the children despite the busy schedule, attempts to maintain communication and understanding (basically to connect) with the children thru their growing years, its still very much possible to have a great relationship between a FTWM and her children.[/quote]
Well said. It does not matter whether the mother is a sahm or ftwm or ptwm. It depends on how much quality time the mother has spent with her child/children.
Some might say, there's no home cook food. My mum was working on and off through out my growing up period (sometime sahm sometime ftwm). I'm an early riser & will be awake by 5.30am to watch the sunrise. By then my mum would be attacking the laundry by hand while waiting for the meat to defrost. Once laundry done, she prepared for my breakfast and lunch while I prepare for school. Because I am extremely picky, she will always have a separate dish for me and separate ones for my sister and father. Off I go to school and she went off to work. It's a hard life and I really appreciate her juggling finding extra income so that we kids can grow up with a bit of luxury. When she becomes SAHM. Nothing change. She's still doing the same housework and the same type of food. She's a very private and quiet person. So little cuddle, not much interaction between me and her. So doesn't matter if she is a sahm or she is a ftwm. -
As for myself I work full time. Home cook food on weekends and occassionally on weekdays. Hugs and kisses a plenty as I skip lunch to send and pick them up from school. Whatever spare time are strictly for play, talking, reading or spending time together. I have no more balance time for "nurturing". I leave it to the school to do the curriculum teaching.
So I guess that is the only missing ingredient for me being a ftwm. Relationship wise, I hope ours will be great and lasting. I can’t comment for now. They are just 10 & 8. -
Muffins:
On a side note, autumnbronze, HOW DID YOU ELEVATE TO BROWN BELT SO FAST? TELL ME HOW! I WANT TO JOIN THE RANKS OF GM TOO, YOU KNOW!
mummy of 2:
Hi Muffins/mummy of 2,Good question, i would like to know too. :?
Autumnbronze, share share leh, so we can learn from you
Ummmmmm.... :oops: :oops:
Maybe I 'kaypo' too much
:lol:
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haha then i must learn to be more kaypo too
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mummy of 2:
Hi mummy of 2,I am a FTWM and my kids are still young (2 and 4 yo) so I do not know how my relationship with them will be. I try my best to spend as much time as I can with them as i know that they will have their own life and friends when they grow up.
I guess the main difference between FTWM and SAHM is that SAHM spend more time with their kids. But this does not necessarily translate into better relationship.
I speak from personal experience, as my mother was a SAHM but my relationship with her is worse than with my MIL. While she is physically at home, she is not emotionally connected to us. She is more concerned about getting the housework done than spending time with us. I do not know if that is how she shows her love for us, but it does not work for me
As my mother, she does not even know that I do not eat spicy food. I went back for dinner recently, and she asked me to eat the curry she cooked. Most of the dishes were spicy and I ended up eating only one egg and rice for dinner.
With such a childhood, I told myself I do not want to be like my mother. I want to be involved with my kids, and let them know I love them in ways they can appreciate. Hope I can do what I aspire to.
Agree with you on this.... speaking from my own personal experience with regards to my r/s with my mom. Had mentioned this in another thread under the Relationships topic some time ago.mummy of 2:
Sorry to say that my mom failed to do that ... hence the end result is that she is v much alone now ... if not for me and my sis. Her 2 boys (esp the eldest) don't bother about her welfare at all....Actually a mother's role is really important in holding the family together. i can see this very clearly in my mother and MIL. Both are SAHM but the priority, communication style and relationship with kids are so different..
mummy of 2:
mummy of 2,Alot of time I feel sorry for my mother, as she is really miserable but I must admit I do not enjoy talking to her. All she wants to do is to talk about her misery, how her relationship with my father, sister, SIL etc is bad. How ill-fated she is to have such a hard life, how fortunate other people are to have such good daughters.....
I'm hoping I won't end up like that - so bitter and miserable.
Its really uncanny that we have several things in common.
My mom can get quite miserable too ... and she talks about the same things as yours does.
For me, when I was younger, I use to dare I say 'hate' my mom, but as I grew older and matured, I realized that she's a product of her own vicious cycle ...
She was miserable with her ILs and instead of making a choice NOT to be like that with her kids and DILs, she remained as she was. I mean, which mother will tell a child \"don't waste your time dreaming ... dreams will never come true\" :?
Now that I am a mother myself, I too am striving/determined not end up being like her. And I do believe that we both won't end up being like them cuz we have made a CONSCIOUS choice not to
I am v v fortunate to have an MIL who is a committed SAHM (though she gave tuition for many years to supplement the family income). She can get v extreme and is v v eccentric in some ways, and there are certain issues that I cannot see eye to eye with her. But her unconditional commitment has bore fruit. Her 3 sons, particularly my DH, the eldest, still indulge in her whimsical way of mothering
Yes, at the end of the day, as foreverj has mentioned, it boils down to the character etc... whether you are a SAHM or not.
That said, I really want to :salute: to the FTWM and PTWM who try their best to balance their work commitment and bring up their kids to the best of their abilities :ugogirl: -
autumnbronze:
She was miserable with her ILs and instead of making a choice NOT to be like that with her kids and DILs, she remained as she was. I mean, which mother will tell a child \"don't waste your time dreaming ... dreams will never come true\" :?
Can't believe you went thru this too. When I was deciding which JC to go to, my mother actually told me\" you better go Poly, who knows whether you can go to uni?\" :x
My mother also practices favouritism. My brother, who is the only son, is her favourite. My sister, who is more diplomatic, and does not rebut her directly (unlike me), is her no 2 fav.
Sad to say, her r/p with all of us are not good. We don't confide in her. In afct she knows so little about me. All she's interested in is complaining about her own fate (which i think she is partly responsible for). She never thought for a moment that we also have our own problems, issues or unhappiness that we need to vent.
I hate receiving her calls, as it can be a 30-45 minute monologue, during which i say less than 10 sentences. There is no point telling her to see things from another perspective etc as she will only take offence, and think that you are saying she's wrong while the other party is rite. It is also emotionally draining, as i tend to feel upset after listening to all her grumbling and complaints, and also guilt that I'm not doing more for her. But i just can't bring myself to do more, like talk to her more, or show more concern for her. Simply because our r/p is not like that, and will never be. And she can call me during office hours, and start rambling without even asking if it's convenient to me. :x Basically it's all about her. -
The SAHMs of yesteryears are a different breed. Most of the time, they did not hold the pursestring and they were financially dependant on their husbands. They had to put up with their husbands’ infidelity if there was any, and their MILs’ unreasonable demands. I’m not sure if it applies to your mothers, but mine was not very educated and so she inherited all the traditional and asian ways of thinking from her own parents.
When we were young, my mother often told us this,"There’s no use studying. No matter how hard you study is also the same." Which mother would discourage her children from studying? When my 3rd sister and I were taking A levels, she said we wouldn’t make it.
Like your mothers, mine complained alot about her fate as well. We were unsympathetic towards her especially when we were teenagers.
I didn’t understand my mother until I became a mother myself. I realised that she didn’t understand the importance of education, and spoke as she thought. It wasn’t becos she didn’t love us. She loved us in her own uneducated ways. 7 children, and insisted on taking care of us on her own.
We seldom reason with our mother knowing that she probably won’t be able to understand, but we would dramatise a line or two in reaction of what she says to let her see why others don’t agree. Our objective is not to make her understand tho, but rather just to say what we want instead of keeping quiet. If she understands, good. If she doesn’t, forget it. -
its great to see all the mummies pouring their hearts out on their own relationships with their mums. i guess rightly or wrongly, our own relationship with our mums wil impact the way we want to bring up our own children.
perhaps i could share more on my r/s with my mum, in the hope that the mummies here can be more conscious of how they deal with their own children next time. i finally realised the crux of our unhappiness with our mum after i met my dh. my mum, after so many years of having to please the entire clan of my dad, ended up trying to please people (mainly relatives and friends) all the time.
everything we do, must make sure cannot offend this person, that person. it was as ridiculous as this. my dh, myself and dd did not feel well halfway during CNY. so after resting a while at her home, we wanted to go home to rest since my parents wanted to go out to another auntie’s home. guess what? my mum was so worried abt offending the auntie that we r not going she almost wanted to scold us. my brother was like - come on, they are all sick and not feeling well, how to go?
same cny, a week later, my sister had tummyache during dinnertime. we had wanted to visit another auntie. we were very near home so i said y not we send her back. my parents were peeved that y we couldn’t make it for this visit in the end too. my sister was so sick she ran to the toilet almost twice or three times.
so conclusion - my mum is more worried abt her own "face" than the welfare of her own children. so very seldom u see any of us confide in her, cos she wil end up saying u should do this, do that etc etc. most times when u confide in someone, u just want a listening ear, not a preacher or a nagging tongue.
thankfully these days our r/s has improved, esp after i got married. mainly becos i dun need to see her 7 days a week anymore. n to a certain extent, she can see i m bringing up my dd quite well, in an almost selfless way which is natural in a mother-child r/s. so maybe she has softened and changed her attitude to me too. -
I was previously a SAHM and currently FTWM now… I stayed home with my children when they were infants, and when the were old enough to go childcare, I went back to work to help relieve my hubby of his stress of having to handle the financial burden alone. We do plan for me to stay home at least part time in a year or 2.
From my experience, I do feel that there is a difference in the quality of time I can spend with the kids. But having said that, as a SAHM, i have to handle alot of housework etc, and the time I have for myself or my kids are limited too. As a FTWM, i at least get some breathing space, lunch hour is for mommy, to shop or at least eat in peace. And I find myself less stressed and more able to spend what little time I have at home just playing and talking to them.
I think whichever decision a mommy makes, it comes from the heart, and how we make use of the time we have is more important than how much time we have ya? -
mummy of 2:
I have a similar experience! sometimes I feel that I get along better with my MIL than my own mother. feel bad about it, but most times I Feel that my mum is really unreasonable.
I speak from personal experience, as my mother was a SAHM but my relationship with her is worse than with my MIL. While she is physically at home, she is not emotionally connected to us. She is more concerned about getting the housework done than spending time with us. I do not know if that is how she shows her love for us, but it does not work for me As my mother, she does not even know that I do not eat spicy food. I went back for dinner recently, and she asked me to eat the curry she cooked. Most of the dishes were spicy and I ended up eating only one egg and rice for dinner.
With such a childhood, I told myself I do not want to be like my mother. I want to be involved with my kids, and let them know I love them in ways they can appreciate. Hope I can do what I aspire to.
MIL was FTWM and my mum was SAHM since I was 7. Ultimately I feel that some things boil down to the individual (their personality, their psychoses, their quirks) but i think some things can be attributed to whether they worked or not.
I attribute my mum's insecurity, narrow-mindedness (in some areas) and lack of trust of others to being very insular and not exposed to working relationships, the wider world at large, for most of her life. But then again, she likes to advise me on working relationships (how i must say this, must not say that) cos she has worked for about 10 yrs prior to stopping work. Perhaps she just had bad experiences in life/work.
I was SAHM for a while, and now FTWM. In some ways, I feel that being a FTWM makes me more of a balanced person.
in the early days before I became a mother and just after i became a mother, I was very very sure that sahm-hood was the best, and that there was only one choice. And that with some financial sacrifices, it's always possible to have one parent at home all the time.
But now that I have gone back to work, I feel that this might not always be the case.
Sometimes the relationship with the child might be better if the mum is a ftwm. And in most cases, the mum gets more personal space and time (lunch hour is something that I've come to really appreciate) which makes for a more balanced, happy mum, overall?
Somehow it also reminds me of breastfeeding. Nursing totally is best if possible, but if it makes the mum a mental wreck, then perhaps formula + happy sane mum is better than nursing + half-gone mum?
Overall, just wanna add my two cents worth that although my mum was a sahm my relationship with her is far from ideal. And I know of others who had ftwm but as adults, their relationships with their mums are very close.
Sorry for the long ramble....
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