Relationship b/w FTWM & children vs SAHM & children

[mummy of 2]

I am a FTWM and my kids are still young (2 and 4 yo) so I do not know how my relationship with them will be. I try my best to spend as much time as I can with them as i know that they will have their own life and friends when they grow up.


I guess the main difference between FTWM and SAHM is that SAHM spend more time with their kids. But this does not necessarily translate into better relationship.

I speak from personal experience, as my mother was a SAHM but my relationship with her is worse than with my MIL. While she is physically at home, she is not emotionally connected to us. She is more concerned about getting the housework done than spending time with us. I do not know if that is how she shows her love for us, but it does not work for me As my mother, she does not even know that I do not eat spicy food. I went back for dinner recently, and she asked me to eat the curry she cooked. Most of the dishes were spicy and I ended up eating only one egg and rice for dinner.

With such a childhood, I told myself I do not want to be like my mother. I want to be involved with my kids, and let them know I love them in ways they can appreciate. Hope I can do what I aspire to.

[mummy of 2]

Muffins:

sleepy:

A relative shared with us her experience. She's retired, used to be a career woman. She told us the biggest regret in her life was spending too much time at work. When she looked back & wanted to hug her kids, she realized they were all too grown up & didn't need her anymore.


We had that conversation 7 years ago. Update on that relative. All her kids have since moved out & live in different cities. She's home alone. Fortunately, being a sociable person, she still have lots of friends.

Great icon sleepy! On a side note, autumnbronze, HOW DID YOU ELEVATE TO BROWN BELT SO FAST? TELL ME HOW! I WANT TO JOIN THE RANKS OF GM TOO, YOU KNOW!

Good question, i would like to know too. :?

Autumnbronze, share share leh, so we can learn from you

[foreverj]

mummy of 2:

I am a FTWM and my kids are still young (2 and 4 yo) so I do not know how my relationship with them will be. I try my best to spend as much time as I can with them as i know that they will have their own life and friends when they grow up.


I guess the main difference between FTWM and SAHM is that SAHM spend more time with their kids. But this does not necessarily translate into better relationship.

I speak from personal experience, as my mother was a SAHM but my relationship with her is worse than with my MIL. While she is physically at home, she is not emotionally connected to us. She is more concerned about getting the housework done than spending time with us. I do not know if that is how she shows her love for us, but it does not work for me As my mother, she does not even know that I do not eat spicy food. I went back for dinner recently, and she asked me to eat the curry she cooked. Most of the dishes were spicy and I ended up eating only one egg and rice for dinner.

With such a childhood, I told myself I do not want to be like my mother. I want to be involved with my kids, and let them know I love them in ways they can appreciate. Hope I can do what I aspire to.

hi mummy of 2, i understand wat u mean. actually i was quite close to my mum when she was at home. come to think of it, after she started to go out to work when i reach sec school, we became more distanced. perhaps its becos she's too tired after work to try and communicate with us. everytime we talk, we end up in arguments. (i was a teenager then so naturally had the normal teen issues) my parents' stand was - dun argue. we r your parents so what we say is correct. after a while, we really stopped arguing with them, even when we dun agree with them. so can u imagine our relationship can be close? i think it was a combination of my parents not knowing how to handle and communicate with teenagers plus working full-time is taxing for my mum already.

i dun blame my parents. they did what they knew and what they could. but hopefully i dun do the same thing to my dd, esp when she becomes a teenager next time.

[mummy of 2]

Actually a mother’s role is really important in holding the family together. i can see this very clearly in my mother and MIL. Both are SAHM but the priority, communication style and relationship with kids are so different.


Alot of time I feel sorry for my mother, as she is really miserable but I must admit I do not enjoy talking to her. All she wants to do is to talk about her misery, how her relationship with my father, sister, SIL etc is bad. How ill-fated she is to have such a hard life, how fortunate other people are to have such good daughters…

I’m hoping I won’t end up like that - so bitter and miserable.

[en107rn.01056yahoo.01056com.01056sg]

[quote]so i guess end of day, it boils down to the character and personality of the mother herself. if she is a loving and warm person, not selfish nor self-centred, and she still affords quality time with the children despite the busy schedule, attempts to maintain communication and understanding (basically to connect) with the children thru their growing years, its still very much possible to have a great relationship between a FTWM and her children.[/quote]
Well said. It does not matter whether the mother is a sahm or ftwm or ptwm. It depends on how much quality time the mother has spent with her child/children.

Some might say, there's no home cook food. My mum was working on and off through out my growing up period (sometime sahm sometime ftwm). I'm an early riser & will be awake by 5.30am to watch the sunrise. By then my mum would be attacking the laundry by hand while waiting for the meat to defrost. Once laundry done, she prepared for my breakfast and lunch while I prepare for school. Because I am extremely picky, she will always have a separate dish for me and separate ones for my sister and father. Off I go to school and she went off to work. It's a hard life and I really appreciate her juggling finding extra income so that we kids can grow up with a bit of luxury. When she becomes SAHM. Nothing change. She's still doing the same housework and the same type of food. She's a very private and quiet person. So little cuddle, not much interaction between me and her. So doesn't matter if she is a sahm or she is a ftwm.

[en107rn.01056yahoo.01056com.01056sg]

As for myself I work full time. Home cook food on weekends and occassionally on weekdays. Hugs and kisses a plenty as I skip lunch to send and pick them up from school. Whatever spare time are strictly for play, talking, reading or spending time together. I have no more balance time for "nurturing". I leave it to the school to do the curriculum teaching.


So I guess that is the only missing ingredient for me being a ftwm. Relationship wise, I hope ours will be great and lasting. I can’t comment for now. They are just 10 & 8.

[autumnbronze]

Muffins:

On a side note, autumnbronze, HOW DID YOU ELEVATE TO BROWN BELT SO FAST? TELL ME HOW! I WANT TO JOIN THE RANKS OF GM TOO, YOU KNOW!

mummy of 2:

Good question, i would like to know too. :?

Autumnbronze, share share leh, so we can learn from you

Hi Muffins/mummy of 2,

Ummmmmm.... :oops: :oops:

Maybe I 'kaypo' too much :lol:

[mummy of 2]

haha then i must learn to be more kaypo too

[autumnbronze]

mummy of 2:

I am a FTWM and my kids are still young (2 and 4 yo) so I do not know how my relationship with them will be. I try my best to spend as much time as I can with them as i know that they will have their own life and friends when they grow up.


I guess the main difference between FTWM and SAHM is that SAHM spend more time with their kids. But this does not necessarily translate into better relationship.

I speak from personal experience, as my mother was a SAHM but my relationship with her is worse than with my MIL. While she is physically at home, she is not emotionally connected to us. She is more concerned about getting the housework done than spending time with us. I do not know if that is how she shows her love for us, but it does not work for me As my mother, she does not even know that I do not eat spicy food. I went back for dinner recently, and she asked me to eat the curry she cooked. Most of the dishes were spicy and I ended up eating only one egg and rice for dinner.

With such a childhood, I told myself I do not want to be like my mother. I want to be involved with my kids, and let them know I love them in ways they can appreciate. Hope I can do what I aspire to.

Hi mummy of 2,

Agree with you on this.... speaking from my own personal experience with regards to my r/s with my mom. Had mentioned this in another thread under the Relationships topic some time ago.

mummy of 2:

Actually a mother's role is really important in holding the family together. i can see this very clearly in my mother and MIL. Both are SAHM but the priority, communication style and relationship with kids are so different..

Sorry to say that my mom failed to do that ... hence the end result is that she is v much alone now ... if not for me and my sis. Her 2 boys (esp the eldest) don't bother about her welfare at all....

mummy of 2:

Alot of time I feel sorry for my mother, as she is really miserable but I must admit I do not enjoy talking to her. All she wants to do is to talk about her misery, how her relationship with my father, sister, SIL etc is bad. How ill-fated she is to have such a hard life, how fortunate other people are to have such good daughters.....

I'm hoping I won't end up like that - so bitter and miserable.

mummy of 2,

Its really uncanny that we have several things in common.

My mom can get quite miserable too ... and she talks about the same things as yours does.

For me, when I was younger, I use to dare I say 'hate' my mom, but as I grew older and matured, I realized that she's a product of her own vicious cycle ...

She was miserable with her ILs and instead of making a choice NOT to be like that with her kids and DILs, she remained as she was. I mean, which mother will tell a child \"don't waste your time dreaming ... dreams will never come true\" :?

Now that I am a mother myself, I too am striving/determined not end up being like her. And I do believe that we both won't end up being like them cuz we have made a CONSCIOUS choice not to

I am v v fortunate to have an MIL who is a committed SAHM (though she gave tuition for many years to supplement the family income). She can get v extreme and is v v eccentric in some ways, and there are certain issues that I cannot see eye to eye with her. But her unconditional commitment has bore fruit. Her 3 sons, particularly my DH, the eldest, still indulge in her whimsical way of mothering

Yes, at the end of the day, as foreverj has mentioned, it boils down to the character etc... whether you are a SAHM or not.

That said, I really want to :salute: to the FTWM and PTWM who try their best to balance their work commitment and bring up their kids to the best of their abilities :ugogirl:

[mummy of 2]

autumnbronze:

She was miserable with her ILs and instead of making a choice NOT to be like that with her kids and DILs, she remained as she was. I mean, which mother will tell a child \"don't waste your time dreaming ... dreams will never come true\" :?

Can't believe you went thru this too. When I was deciding which JC to go to, my mother actually told me\" you better go Poly, who knows whether you can go to uni?\" :x

My mother also practices favouritism. My brother, who is the only son, is her favourite. My sister, who is more diplomatic, and does not rebut her directly (unlike me), is her no 2 fav.

Sad to say, her r/p with all of us are not good. We don't confide in her. In afct she knows so little about me. All she's interested in is complaining about her own fate (which i think she is partly responsible for). She never thought for a moment that we also have our own problems, issues or unhappiness that we need to vent.

I hate receiving her calls, as it can be a 30-45 minute monologue, during which i say less than 10 sentences. There is no point telling her to see things from another perspective etc as she will only take offence, and think that you are saying she's wrong while the other party is rite. It is also emotionally draining, as i tend to feel upset after listening to all her grumbling and complaints, and also guilt that I'm not doing more for her. But i just can't bring myself to do more, like talk to her more, or show more concern for her. Simply because our r/p is not like that, and will never be. And she can call me during office hours, and start rambling without even asking if it's convenient to me. :x Basically it's all about her.