桃花谈

[ammonite]

I am so glad your family called the police.

[chloecube]

insider:

chloecube:

so by doing good deeds, we are adding positive point


what if we are supposed to help but didnt managed to help?
for instance, if a person sees an injured cat in the drain, but didnt stop to help, probably due to following reasons ,
1) afraid of animal
2) scare of blood
3) no idea how to help
3) or maybe afraid of public glares (some ppl are shy abt doing good deeds in public)

for situation like this is, able to help but didnt help (with reasons), does this lead to points being deducted ?

As said, just do within your means.

If we see an injured animal, the first logical feeling that one should have is 'compassion', that one can feel the pain and suffering of the animal.

If we can help, we help. If we can't, then leave it.

There was once I saw a bird whose feet got caught by a sticky plastic bag with string. The bird was struggle to set itself free but couldn't. It was struggling and I could imagine its fate of maybe got a naughty person step on it and kill it. Despite being fearful of the fact that the bird might peck on me if I tried to rescue it, I went to 'catch' the bird (held it firmly in my hand) and then removed the plastic bag from its feet. Then it flew off. If I didn't free it, then I might keep thinking of this little bird and live with regrets of not knowing whether at the end, it would die of struggling or not.

The point (4) above is worth pondering over coz one needs to get over the fear of embarrassment of someone staring when he is trying to do something good (the 勇 which will come from 智）. It will be a sin for example if one sees someone injured on the road and then that someone doesn't help coz of worrying about others' stares. If physical help is not possible (such as worrying about maybe got conned), then offer the help in other ways by making a call to the relevant authority. Small things like hearing the alarm sounds in a lift where someone may get trapped, the logical move should be to investigate whether there's anyone got trapped inside and call the maintenance dept instead of thinking 'someone else will call one lah' and perhaps continues watching one's television...

About three months ago, a family opposite my block was having a huge fight. The woman was screaming and child's crying could be heard. All the glass shattering sounds of 'ping-ling-pang-lang' came out from that house. It was about 12 am at night. I got my elder son to call the police. He said, \"Aiya, people's domestic quarrel only.' I told him no, someone might die inside (the crying of that child broke my heart).

Son called the police and he went downstairs to wait for their arrival in order to direct them to the correct unit in a quicker manner.

Police visited the unit.

Then ambulance came.

The woman was carried out in a stretcher...

Calling the police is quite a 'chore'. Have to leave down one's number, name, and then to assist in investigation and stands as witness if needed. But if going through this chore can save someone, then it's a chore really worth doing. Can never 见死不救 if it is within one's means. For that woman if she really dies coz nobody bothers, then whoever knows about it but not acting will all be in a 共业......

i agree with u, if i could help but didnt, i will be thinking abt it for the whole day ...feeling guilty and 无奈

i am clearly lacking in 勇. many a times, seeing situation like that, i wanted to help so much, but dare not in public. need to overcome that.
but if i see accident or domestic fight that required police or ambulance, i will do it, becos public wont know who made the call :oops:
not so bothered abt the chores of being a witness after that, so long as not in public.
想做好事, 又怕人知...咳!

[Joule]

[quote]

i am clearly lacking in 勇. many a times, seeing situation like that, i wanted to help so much, but dare not in public. need to overcome that.
but if i see accident or domestic fight that required police or ambulance, i will do it, becos public wont know who made the call :oops:
not so bothered abt the chores of being a witness after that, so long as not in public.
想做好事, 又怕人知...咳![/quote]OT a bit about civic courage

I witnessed an attempted suicide. Old man sitting on the ledge of hdb block. Opposite block.

Quick, call 995! however there was a passer-by that managed to talk him down.

Fire engine came. Old man was out-of-sight. (he probably went back to his flat)

Oops.

On one hand, it is a relief that old man was convinced to come down

on the other hand..... SCDF would think I made a nuisance call.

no matter.

I think I did the right thing.

[cfan]

insider


I still \"digesting\" info

But like to share this

http://i45.tinypic.com/rkq0s7.jpg\">

[Imami]

insider:

Emm…I think when you lent the money to your that relative, you don’t really have the intention of him returning? If that’s so, then is 施财.
If you are expecting him to return, then it is not but it’s doing a good deed to 解人之危.[/ quote]
No, I am not expecting him to return. I make it clear to him that it's a token from us (my mum and me). Although the $$$ is mine, I tell him it's from my mum and me (50% and 50%). I rather he not return the money to me and I told my mum that we shd not talk/remind him about this anymore, just treat it as a dream.

insider:

Perhaps to add one last thing here, how the receiver makes use of the 财 that we 施. If the money is used to take drugs or to buy weapons to rob and kill, then it becomes a negative seed, whether we know or we don’t know (know will be a ‘badder’ seed and if unknown will still be a bad seed). If we lend someone $2000, then someone uses it to buy a gun, and then kill someone = it becomes a 共业 that we have indirectly participated in the murder (similar to 我不杀伯仁，伯仁却因我而死）.

So must 施财 ‘intelligently’…

Oh 共业 again. Insider, how about another thread on 共业 ? :evil:

You know what, Buddhism impresses me more and more. I always feel that buddhism teachings are quite scientific/logical (I took buddhism as a subject in lower secondary) but am never really \"into\" it.

[Imami]

chloecube:

so by doing good deeds, we are adding positive point


what if we are supposed to help but didnt managed to help?
for instance, if a person sees an injured cat in the drain, but didnt stop to help, probably due to following reasons ,
1) afraid of animal
2) scare of blood
3) no idea how to help
3) or maybe afraid of public glares (some ppl are shy abt doing good deeds in public)

for situation like this is, able to help but didnt help (with reasons), does this lead to points being deducted ?

This reminded me of an incident which happened a few months ago.

I was driving with my son at the back seat. We were almost out of the bt panjang neighbourhood and into bke. Then I saw a little kitten crossing the road. It toddled across one lane and hopped onto the road divider.

In my mind I was thinking, can I hazard light and stop here now? I assessed the situation and decided cannot stop (will end up car behind me bang into mine). I continued but very slowly. From my side mirror, I could see the kitten continuing its way into the opposite lane. The vehicles were aware of its presence and were slowing down to avoid it.

I kept thinking if I shd go back to help but I could not stop my car. By the time I could stop, I decided that I was already too far away from him and u-turn is not an option. In the end, I didn't turn back to help and this kitten occupied my mind for the rest of that day. In situation like this, shd I use my brain more or my heart more?

[jedamum]

I think the gist is, to help if you can, but if can’t, thenmove on.

A neighbour rope my husband in to rescue a kitten stuck at the outer corridor ledge. It took quite a while as that kitten did not respond to the treats they used to enticed it. They tried to use a bag to lower down to coax the cat to jump in, but failed. Then my husband stretched out his hand to try to grab the cat and it sat onto his hand. He lifted it to safety and they quickly took the cat downstairs to the garden before it decide to jump out onto that ledge. We were late for class that day, but secondary. I asked my husband what if the cat moved away and jumped to its death if he reached out. He said they were running out of options and if it jumped,too bad.

He volunteered to coax an agitated armed neighbour from jumping down once, so his believe has been to try one’s best and hope for the best. Have to take into account own safety first as he is answerable to his family. We were worried sick that day, but he took it easy.

[chloecube]

if we cannot do any good, then dont do any bad.


after following this thread for a week or more. i find that there are some improvement in my life (though not significant, such as lesser shouting and fights)and this does rub off on my kids and family members.
will continue to practise it. i hope this thread will not eventually die off.

thank you all

[Imami]

My homework.


Sorry I drag this long. I kept re-working, re-visiting Insider’s topic so that my homework be ‘within topic’. As I have mentioned before, I dread writing this. Becos it means opening up my old wounds again. Something that I rather do away with… As I trace back my life, I realize how I hv forgotten a lot things (as in, I don’t think of them anymore until now).

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood where many neighbours were secret society members, gambling den operators, prostitutes, loan sharks etc. Our family lived there for closed to 25 years before we shifted (when I was 15). My mum kept in touch with those neighbors. Some of them had passed away. From what I see, it’s really 出来混的，总有一天要还 (Hahahha very hkg drama hor). Those who ever kill/maim someone had very jia lat ending. One was thrown out of his family home, left living in the streets for years. One was knocked down by a car and died a blood death. One lost his mind and spend his remaining days in IMH. Those in vice trades were not any better. Most were in poor health during their twilight years. So, for my own sake, 我想做多一点好事，积点阴德。

I thought I was a kind person. At least until 10yrs ago. I would stop anyone from stepping on ants/insects on the pavement. I would feel sad when I see people plucking plants because I believe the plants would feel the pain. I get very angry with people who are nasty to small animals.

I was shown a Buddhism book when I was very young, before pri sch. It’s a very simple book with minimal words but descriptive pictures. I remembered how my mum would "read" it to me and explain the 道理 in the book. "Read" becos my mum is illiterate. I remembered pictures about building bridges/schools (mum said rich people shd donate to build schools, roads and bridges so as to better the people’s lives and at the same time their own lives). I remembered picture about plucking flowers (mum said if one "plays" with flowers/plants, one’s children may met with the same fate). I remembered picture about giving food to people (mum said we shd donate to poor people). I wished I had kept it, now want to find similar book also dunno where to find.

When I was little, I would feel apologetic whenever my father spit onto the pavement. In an attempt to "atone on behalf of my father", I would swallow some saliva whenever he spit. I imagined that I had a deal with Heaven - I couldn’t stop my father from spitting and sinning. But I hope I could swallow his phlegm (yucks I know), thinking that I could "atone" on his behalf. It’s like I "clean up" his act. Do you understand? Silly right? Sounds like defending my foolishness but if thoughts really count, I thought I was so filial. I couldn’t hav been more than 7 YO then. I think if I propose this to my son, now five, he would reply - Eek! Dun want! so dirty. Tell father don’t spit la. Ha, logical thinking.

I was molested by my cousin when I was around 5-6. That was the time when I was left in my grandmother’s care while my parents were working. I didn’t tell anyone except my then bf, just before he applied for the rom date. I wanted him to know, just in case this news might change his mind. He was very understanding and never mind it a bit. We ROM in less than a month from the time he learned about it. This incident didn’t affect me a lot but it had shaped how I teach my son about loving/respecting his body and privacy.

When I was in Pri 3, I joined the Red Cross CCA group. One of the activities was to visit the old folks home. I remembered how I was popular among the old folks becos I would try to speak in Cantonese and hokkien to them (these old folks couldn’t speak mandarin). When the event was over and we were all back in the bus, I was crying non stop. My friends and teachers were shocked and didn’t understand. I didn’t understand it too but I just couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them- I felt sorry for the old folks. Becos of this incident, I hv never gone to an old folks home again.

At 14, my best friend stole my ATM card and withdrew all my money. For some strange reason, my then working in the bank bro, found out and alerted the family. My mum managed to retrieve all my money from my friend and according to my wishes, they didn’t report my best friend to the police. Things went back to normal but I was never the same again. I was heartbroken. I could not understand, to this day, why she would do this to me when we were best friend. At least I thought We were best friend. It still hurt for me to realize that our friendship was not worth the $700+ that she had stolen from me. There is (still is) a little part of me that never really trusted people anymore.

I am no longer in touch with this friend. But the hurt still lingers. How do I 放下？

I met my hubby during the last year of our tertiary education. Marrying him was one of the best things that happened to me. While he loved me to the bits, I was never good enough for his mum. She had never failed to remind me about how good her son was. Naturally, becos of this, my mil was not one of my fav persons.

Around 10 yrs ago until recently, I stopped being kind. I decided there was no point being kind. My mum was so kind and nice all her life. Is she living any better? No leh. The saying 不是不报只是时辰未到 seem such a myth. I didn’t kill people put fire or that sort of things. I think I can 一手遮天. U get the idea what sort of person I am la.

I recalled how I earned my first "good" from my mil. She asked for the gender of my baby when I was about 5 month pregnant. Hubby told her it’s a boy. She replied a very cold "good". Hubby shot back,"why? If girl then not good la?!" I don’t need to elaborate on my relationship with my mil, you shd get the drift.

The time when I was pregnant was the happiest part of my life. except for one incident when I was so angry that I was shaking uncontrollably and my voice suddenly turn hoarse, I was mostly happy. I exceptionally enjoy the communication with my foetus. He hardly gave me any prob. I was happily eating, gaining weight, active and healthy. Most of all, I was laughing a lot.

My son arrived a week before the expected due date.

During my last gynae appt. Doc said my son’s head had not engaged and he would probably be delivered after cny (which was about one week later).

I was upset because I didn’t want my son to be born on the same day as my mil (her bday would be one week later, around cny). Can you imagine every year I have to celebrate my son’s bday with someone I don’t like?! Urghhhh… Cannot let it happen! During some quiet moment, I stroke my tummy and talked to my son. I told him,"xb (my son’s nick), mummy is ready. Can you please come out sooner? Tonight also can!"

That midnight, my water bag burst. My son 真听话。 ask him to come early, tonight also can, he really listen.

Things spiral downwards from the time I went into labour. I had a bad delivery with complications. I guess the 时辰到 了（ remember the 不是不报，只是时辰未到 ). I shall 轻描淡 写the darkest 2yrs of my life. A time of 怨天怨地就是不怨自己 and 'it’s the world’s fault!"。 If u use science to explain, I was probably post natal depression. But I believe there are another underlying reasons for my ‘misfortune’.

There were times when I was screaming until I ended up with a injured voice cord (and couldn’t speak for almost two weeks). Sometimes I yanked my hair so hard that a whole bunch just fell off. Once I bang my head against the wall so hard, that I black out. 自残是可耻的••• but somehow the physical pain I had inflicted on myself could take away my emotional pain.

There was a night when I was sitting on the parapet, outside the balcony. I lived on 22nd floor. Drop down, sure die. I held on to my sleeping infant. Then My son sneezed. Instinctively, I brought him back inside and hence, never jumped.

It didn’t help that my infant was always into trouble in school. I thought I had a problematic child, until I read one of Dr Shichida’s books on right brain training. In it, he explained how kids "turn naughty" as a way of seeking help. They need help but dunno how to seek help/what to do, that’s why they try to attract attention. Then it hit me hard - my infant was seeking help perhaps becos he knew I needed help. Ha, what an irony! There I was, the ‘She who is the mightiest of all’ didn’t realise I AM the problem but an infant knew! This realisation didn’t bring me out of my rotten state but it set the stage for the better days ahead.

The turning point came when I realised there was only my child with me when I was in those shitter than shit situations. He was sort of "thru thick and thin" with me, never forsaking me. One can use science to explain - oh, young children are ‘programmed’ to tag themselves to an adult as they also have survival instinct. But this does not explain why I can feel his love and concern for me. The little person who brought me so much pain (not that it was his fault) and yet, so much joy and pride. God has all along been very kind to me. Knowing how lousy I am as a mother, he gives me a wonderful son. Someone who doesn’t judge me, doesn’t despise me, loves me anyway. Someone who will come checking when he hears mummy screaming in fright," Mummy, is it a lizard? Or cockroach? I help you chase it away!"

Such a lovely and kind child. 人之初性本善。 ah, what happened to me? How can I stop working hard to be a good person? 有人说 儿女是来讨债的，我这个好像是来点醒我的.

I brought him to this world. But he keeps me here. If he didnt sneeze, we could hv been on 晚报 headlines already. Weird as it may sound, he is the only one who gives me unconditional love (not the other way). No matter now bad I look (trust me, after screaming like mad and yanking my hair, most kids would be frightened), whenever I cry, he would drop everything and hug me, telling me he loves me.

On my lonely way out of The dark tunnel, I did a lot of soul searching, crying and thinking. I could see for myself how my unstableness was affecting my infant. I began to see the link that many bad things happen becos of an earlier cause. Eg becos u didn’t keep the food properly, all the ants come and then the food cannot be eaten anymore. 一定要找出恶性循环的出口， if not, things will just get worse. 靠山，山倒。靠人，人跑。靠自己吧。靠自己走出一条活路吧。

It was through my son that my mil suddenly saw the little good in me. That I could be a capable mother. That my son grew so well in my care. She was always singing praises about my son to my sil (but of cos, it caused some tension between mil, sil and me).

I had earned some respect, through my son, from my mil. We were distant, speaking only when necessary.

Things took a turn after she fell sick. Although she has 3 kid’s, with one working in the same hospital in which she under went her op, she sometimes end up not having anyone with her when going for check up or review.

I felt very sorry for her. I am also someone’s mother. What if one day I end up like her (hey, highly possible - I only got one son! She got 3 kid’s also like that)? I also have a mother. I would feel very sad that my mum ends up like that. I decided call her and offered to send her to her reviews or settle her meals. That was how things turned around. These days, she would ask what I want to eat and cook for me when she knows I would be coming for dinner. These days mil and me can sit and chit chat for almost two hours at one go. Never in my dream have I thought this would happen. So those of you who think you are "suffering under your mil", believe me, things will change and it wont cause you a hand and a leg.

A lot of what insider had shared really did happen, either to myself or I see it on someone. I hv seen for myself how 之前种下的恶果， 后来长出了恶苗 . I haven’t figured out who/what/how certain things link up in my life but surely, it seems to me that the most impt thing is to be kind and filial.

Academic pursuit is still very relevant and important. But it should not be pursue at the expense of moral education. I believe, this is all the more important when it comes to bright kids. My son’s Chinese teacher once told me,‘An average person will live his life only one way, ie. To walk a straight path (aka be a good man). A very bright person has a choice - to walk a straight path or crooked path (i.e. be a bad person). Make sure your son walk a straight path.’ She come across as someone very cautious and wise, knowing more than she is showing. For her to tell me this, I believe she could have ‘seen/known’ something about my son that I don’t. Her words still ring in my mind every now and then and serve as a reminder for me to emphasize cultivation of the goodness of human nature my son’s soul and mind.

In summary, here’s what I learn from following this thread:
嘴教不如身教.多讲不如多想.
如果修心太难,那就先修口.修了口,如果修心还是不行,那就修行.成功的修了口和行,修心应该不难了.
孩子像小树,灌毒药,就长毒苗

[insider]

Imami


Thanks for taking the time and guts to write…

Your account is ‘interesting’ and I can see more ‘good’ than ‘bad’ from your past experiences.

Now I working. Will elaborate more when free.

Good job!!