桃花谈
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SAHM_TAN:
Ya, academic result is a bummer. I don't know why I'm so hang up abt it. I don't remember my parents being so particular abt it when I was young, I don't remember much abt my life actually. Late last year I have decided not to bother so much abt the results but I've not been very successful. I know she's a good child and I should be happy that I don't have to deal with real problems in regards to her. Maybe I no problem find problems?
Yes, please do not be TOO kan cheong with regards to children's academic, especially girls, who bear grudges more easily than boys. My friend badly strained her relationship with her daughter because of academic results. I'm worried for them as to how are they going to reconcile. The hurt and damage done were really very deep. -
concern2:
Question: When we talk about having faith, faith in our children, that they will be fine, faith that things will turn out fine; this concept of 'Faith', how do you explain it in Mandarin and to an athiest?
“Faith” basically is just an Unshakable Belief.
As what Imami said, it’s a 信念, literally translated as “trust” and “seed” (“seed” as in a thought. A 念 is always a ‘seed’ that carries in itself tremendous potential power; just like a tiny seed can grow into a giant tree…).
This信念 will be tested time and again by the ‘demons’ inside us as well as by our surrounding people / environment coz one is likely to be one of the few odd ones out when he / she does not seem to follow the ‘norm’ (such as feeding babies with the best formula milk <which to me all this while I feel is absolutely unnecessary coz that’s ‘over provision’), go for piano/whatever enrichment, go to the ‘best’ school, etc).
When I say “faith in our children”, it should be interpreted more as a faith in ourselves, that as long as we live ‘properly’, then our ‘properly’ will rub onto them and from there, they can find their own ways to be good persons from whereby ‘correct’ doors will be opening for them with meeting of the ‘correct’ people = everything will be in order for them to lead their lives.
mummyv shared the books (http://www.esotericscience.org/article16a.htm). I briefly browsed through the website and have ordered the books via amazon.uk. I think the author is an atheist who tried to ‘fuse’ science and religions together and so those books maybe interesting to read (I am always interested to know about how westerners interpret Buddhism and the author’s writing seems to be heavily skewed towards Buddhism from the way I read his ‘analysis’).
When comes to thinking about the Philosophy of Life, even atheists need to read widely with such readings to include readings on world major religions. From there, they form an opinion that will be the basis of their morals and direction in life and living. If don’t read, it is difficult to ‘concoct’ such deep knowledge by self unless like my mum who was born with tremendous wisdom.
My daughter now is still an atheist. She obtains most of her Buddhism knowledge from me and from the books I recommended her to read while at the same time, she is also quite well versed in the Bible and Christianity. I don’t really bother with what religion she will eventually take up or she will still remain as an atheist. As long as she is a good person with a sound moral compass, nothing really matters to me…
I don’t think I have really answered your question as I myself feel inadequate to put my answer clear enough across. As we are dealing with something ‘abstract’ here, it may not be possible to explain things real clearly coz much ‘intangible’ emotions / feelings are involved in such sharing. Basically, it’s ‘experiential’ and so difficult to pen down such with words… -
SAHM_TAN:
Ya, academic result is a bummer. I don't know why I'm so hang up abt it. I don't remember my parents being so particular abt it when I was young, I don't remember much abt my life actually. Late last year I have decided not to bother so much abt the results but I've not been very successful. I know she's a good child and I should be happy that I don't have to deal with real problems in regards to her. Maybe I no problem find problems?
See, you know academic result is a 'bummer' but you still cant help and be so hung up about it.
That's 无明. It disrupts the peace (清心寡欲）that you are supposed to enjoy.
This very short but meaningful Buddhism script* (pertaining to your \"no problem find problems\" which is \"common\"):
菩提本无树，
明镜亦非台，
本来无一物，
何处惹尘埃。
It took me quite a while to understand the script.
Basically it talks about actually there's nothing to worry but then somehow we just choose to worry (like in your situation of you just got so hung up by academic results).
Actually you have something to fall on in your childhood, that you can remember last time your parents didn't really have to work too much on you but you still grow up quite finely.
You may apply the same to your kids. For me, my expectation has always been 70, anything extra is 'celebration time' and my kids got to celebrate a lot coz most of the time they hit 'target'. Anything below then I just have to sit with that child for a few times then should be on target again.
I DON'T sit with any of my kids much regarding their schoolwork as you know. They have to be independent in their basic duty of studying without having the thought / hope of someone will have the responsibility to sit besides them in order for them to do this 'basic duty'.
I shared before:
If a child is 'destined' with a 60/100 quality of life, he will get that level even if he studies until PhD.
If a child is 'destined' with a 80/100 quality of life, he will get that level even if he stops at O level.
How much we 'force' or coax kids to study will not change this destiny much.
The only thing that we can do to improve on one's destiny is via developing compassionate individuals - this one to me is a Sure Win...
So, you try to develop your own interest and do your own things. If you find you really cannot stop tailing behind your kiddos' backs on their studies, then make some arrangement and return to work. First and foremost, you have to live a fulfilling life, then your kiddos are likely to also live fulfilling lives coz you are the MODEL...
I shared about my second sis who has 3 GEP kids. My second sis' life is so unfulfilling and it is not difficult for me to foresee that her 3 kids are unlikely to have fulfilling lives coz the imprint (seed) of what a fulfilling life should be is not with her kiddos at all...
PS:
This script was written by 六祖慧能. The story of this enlightened one is very interesting. He was born ultra poor and never had a chance to go school. Then one day he saw a 佛经 (think is the very complex 金刚经）on a table with a guest in a 客栈. He casually asked the guest to read the book to him. He could understand the gist of it just by listening (meaning he was born with tremendous 慧根）. Then he went on to 拜师 and subsequently passed on as an enlightened 佛.
For those who are interested in his story, 仿佛居士”慧能谈“ is a very interesting book to read (I remember I started the book at night and 'chase reading' till morning to complete it...) -
insider:
This is interesting point. many of us quit our career to be SAHM, you seems to suggest otherwise.
The only thing that we can do to improve on one's destiny is via developing compassionate individuals - this one to me is a Sure Win...
So, you try to develop your own interest and do your own things. If you find you really cannot stop tailing behind your kiddos' backs on their studies, then make some arrangement and return to work. First and foremost, you have to live a fulfilling life, then your kiddos are likely to also live fulfilling lives coz you are the MODEL... -
sunflower:
My son told me something when I picked him up from school just now. He said his teacher told them a story today in class. It's the story of the boy who cried wolf.
Yes, please do not be TOO kan cheong with regards to children's academic, especially girls, who bear grudges more easily than boys. My friend badly strained her relationship with her daughter because of academic results. I'm worried for them as to how are they going to reconcile. The hurt and damage done were really very deep.
I was about to ask him for the moral of the story when he volunteered \"This story teaches us not to tell lies. But my friend A said she will continue to tell lies. This is because her mother is always angry with her, so she wants to tell lies to take revenge on her mother.\" :yikes:
I told my son that this is not the right way to treat one's own mother (had to undo whatever bad influence A might have imparted to my son
), that A's mother would be very hurt to know what A said.
Feel sad for this child as she already has such deep rooted dislike for her mother at such a young age (P1). I'm not sure though if the cause of their conflict is due to academic pursuits. -
cmm:
My gut feel like the mum must hv hurt the daughter before and it was must quite deep (the hurt) and most likely repeatedly. 千万不能伤了小孩的心。。。
Feel sad for this child as she already has such deep rooted dislike for her mother at such a young age (P1). I'm not sure though if the cause of their conflict is due to academic pursuits. -
insider:
I agree. I know how some parents tear the answers at the back of assessment books out because they think their kids would cheat. I don't do that cos I prefer to trust them. Interestingly, my kids also never bother to resort to cheating - they'll just leave those they can't do blank so that I can teach them later. When they are in upper Pri, I started asking them to mark themselves - so they can be independent and take ownership of their learning. Also make life easier for myself lah ..concern2:
Question: When we talk about having faith, faith in our children, that they will be fine, faith that things will turn out fine; this concept of 'Faith', how do you explain it in Mandarin and to an athiest?
“Faith” basically is just an Unshakable Belief.
As what Imami said, it’s a 信念, literally translated as “trust” and “seed” (“seed” as in a thought. A 念 is always a ‘seed’ that carries in itself tremendous potential power; just like a tiny seed can grow into a giant tree…).
…
Judging from the number of assessment books passed down to me from friends and relatives, a lot of parents do not trust their kids. Quite sad. I feel that when you trust them, they'll try their best to honor your trust. -
keroppi:
I agree. I know how some parents tear the answers at the back of assessment books out because they think their kids would cheat. I don't do that cos I prefer to trust them. Interestingly, my kids also never bother to resort to cheating - they'll just leave those they can't do blank so that I can teach them later. When they are in upper Pri, I started asking them to mark themselves - so they can be independent and take ownership of their learning. Also make life easier for myself lah ..insider:
[quote=\"concern2\"]Question: When we talk about having faith, faith in our children, that they will be fine, faith that things will turn out fine; this concept of 'Faith', how do you explain it in Mandarin and to an athiest?
“Faith” basically is just an Unshakable Belief.
As what Imami said, it’s a 信念, literally translated as “trust” and “seed” (“seed” as in a thought. A 念 is always a ‘seed’ that carries in itself tremendous potential power; just like a tiny seed can grow into a giant tree…).
…
Judging from the number of assessment books passed down to me from friends and relatives, a lot of parents do not trust their kids. Quite sad. I feel that when you trust them, they'll try their best to honor your trust.[/quote]Wah, this is a good one!
Trusting your child (to do the right thing) has some elements of trusting yourself.
I remember when I was very little, my mum would always tell me - if u lie to me, you are also lying to yourself. I don't really understand the rationale of her words but it has great impact on how I choose to believe in my child (and my husband) and how I choose to empower my son to do the right thing. I let him know that he has a choice - to do the right thing or the wrong one. Most People, by nature, will try to \"live up\" to the expectation of the others, especially those who love them. -
ruohoo97:
I have a feeling that insider is saying something like \"shift your focus\", not necessarily \"go back to work\" per se.
This is interesting point. many of us quit our career to be SAHM, you seems to suggest otherwise.insider:
The only thing that we can do to improve on one's destiny is via developing compassionate individuals - this one to me is a Sure Win...
So, you try to develop your own interest and do your own things. If you find you really cannot stop tailing behind your kiddos' backs on their studies, then make some arrangement and return to work. First and foremost, you have to live a fulfilling life, then your kiddos are likely to also live fulfilling lives coz you are the MODEL... -
Thanks insider.
My hubby said he’s ok even if she fails. He’s from the school of hard knocks so nothing fazes him.
I will try.
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