Move in with MIL?
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This is an issue that is becoming a constant discussion topic at home recently. MIL is widowed and lives in her private property with unmarried daughter. They have been a lot of quarelling of late, and SIL is playing that emotional blackmail thing with DH saying "She is your mother too! Why don’t you live with her?". It coincides with a period that DH has been so busy and barely have time for our children at all. So DH’s simplistic solution is that we should pool together our funds with MIL and upgrade to a bigger place and live together (and leave a ?? as to what will happen to the SIL - buy her own place? Stay in the current place?) And of course, I won’t have a say by then, because MIL would own the property, too.
MIL has always been those posessive type (she now lives oppositve my flat) and comes over up to 5 times a day. I cannot imagine living with her, and I am sure it would be a living hell for my husband if SIL decides to move in, too! She is many years older than DH and always talks down at him. DH is used to it and usually unaffected but even my DD would ask "Why is she talking to papa like he is a little boy?"… Surely I will scream at her for degrading DH in front of our children! And if SIL cannot live with MIL, what gives me the confident that I can live with MIL (or even SIL)?
In addition, my mom is also widowed and relationships with her DIL is not entirely rosy either. As it is, when my mom comes to stay with me, MIL will "welcome" her with "Oh… come again? This time stay how many days? When are you leaving?" I cannot imagine my mom would even visit if I am living with MIL.
Alas, my DH is the kind of son that in his eyes, MIL can do no wrong and do no harm. He doesn’t hear my concern and doesn’t believe it when I told him about how MIL treats me or my mom - up to a stage I don’t even mention it anymore because it just start the whole cold war about how "I am sure you misunderstood her… she is not like that… she is the most gentle, blah blah blah - sometimes she is just socially awkward (but the rest of the world must know and accept/forgive her)."
All this is causing a lot of sleepless nights for me, and because DH is so fixed on his ideals over MIL, sometimes I feel like telling him to move back with MIL and just leave me alone! He on the other hand feels that the idea will slowly sink in. Me on the other hand think that this is not a test-phase. Once move in cannot move out - not without, and not after a lot of cold wars, screaming, shouting, and wounded ego. On the other hand, it seems to cause relationship with DH to suffer.
How, how? Anyone with similar issues and have advice to share? -
straffan23:
In addition, my mom is also widowed and relationships with her DIL is not entirely rosy either. As it is, when my mom comes to stay with me, MIL will \"welcome\" her with \"Oh.. come again? This time stay how many days? When are you leaving?\" I cannot imagine my mom would even visit if I am living with MIL.
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If you stand firm on not staying with your mil, your hubby might also object to your mum occasional stay over at your place. -
If now I own 50% of the property and my mom cannot stay on short term… I don’t see how my mom can even visit if the ownership changes proportion… Already she purposely drops by - just to show who is the boss (and make my mom cook lunch for her).
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Living with MIL is never easy. When we sold our place before leaving for overseas, we moved in with MIL for a couple months. My relationship with her from the start has always been polite but uncomfortable to say the very least. At that time I’ve stopped working to care for the kids. Although I helped her in the kitchen and voluntered to help clean (she refused) daily, she was still unhappy. Unhappy that we go out, the way we raise the kids, that DH helps me hang our laundry out etc. So unhappy she was, she told everyone FIL, SIL, BILs and even her sisters and goodness who else except us. She even told us FIL wants to "talk" to us. When we saw him at the carpark that same time, he didnt tell us anything anway. To cut a long story short, we left Singapore. Best time ever for me. Now we going back home again, DH wants to move in to his parents house temporary as SIL and hubby moving out to their new place. Though I want to fix our relationship I know it would not be possible to be "good enough" to stay together in one house. I take comfort that MIL are usually not nice to DIL if they have their own daughter. I shudder at the thought, hopefully we’ll find a place before that.
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I shudder at the thought of MIL staying with us...
:nailbite: :scared:
The response to DH is that if MIL cannot stay with unmarried SILs, then she can move in with us, so that at least there's someone to look after her. However, it'll be better to move to a bigger home so that we each have our own space and hopefully less friction. MIL does not have the funds to contribute to a bigger home so in essence, she'll be moving in to our home ( provided we can afford to more to a bigger place ). Since it's my place, I do intend to do it up and run the household my way, MIL will probably interfere though.
The above also applies to my parents. My siblings live with them. If they need someone to look after them, and siblings cannot, then I would like them to stay with me.
Have to be fair. -
My advice is… Please don’t.
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If possible, get a unit with a granny flat or double entry. This can help both parties live together with more autonomy on both sides. Your mum can have the key to your door and your mil can have her own door.
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Agree with nightlone, please don’t. If push come to shove, then ammonite’s idea of a dual key unit is the best. It is not easy living together and very often, they do not understand that different households have different mistresses and each mistress run it differently. Her authority in someone’s house is less than in her own house. Even if her words are right, it does not mean it is appropriate if it is not her house.
This will create a lot of conflict. If you have a maid, it will create a situation of whose instruction should the maid listen to. Some men are clueless while some are more aware and by giving specific instruction to the maid to listen only to the wife, he had implicitly set the tone and direction of the household to his own mother. -
Coolkidsrock2:
Last time when MIL came to visit our house, she will throw away my kitchen utensils without my permission :mad: A house cannot have 2 mistresses lah.Agree with nightlone, please don't. If push come to shove, then ammonite's idea of a dual key unit is the best. It is not easy living together and very often, they do not understand that different households have different mistresses and each mistress run it differently. Her authority in someone's house is less than in her own house. Even if her words are right, it does not mean it is appropriate if it is not her house.
This will create a lot of conflict. If you have a maid, it will create a situation of whose instruction should the maid listen to. Some men are clueless while some are more aware and by giving specific instruction to the maid to listen only to the wife, he had implicitly set the tone and direction of the household to his own mother. -
You are right. Old people think that they still have the same authority in their children’s homes. This often creates tension.
Different house, different mistress, different ways of doing things.
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