Spouse or Kids? Which comes first?

[MMM]

I think we are very lucky as we've 2 sets of grandparents that we can \"deposit\" the 3 kids with. My pils stay with us so we can choose to go out without the kids. Didn't realise this advantage pre-marriage as dread the thot of staying with pils. I supposed things change with kids as it's always good to have extra pair of hands. It's just that they like to follow us and our weekends are anyway tied up with their enrichment classes at this point.


My hubby and I belong to the same \"type\" and I think we've a fairly healthy relationship as he is also my best friend whom I can tell all stuff to. This is how we find time together (but definitely thanks to our parents' support) :
* We have dinner together after work on a daily basis. We don't go back for dinner as I find my mil/maid's cooking boring. Dinner is always rice + dishes while I prefer to have non-rice for dinner.
* He drives me to and fetches me from work
* When kids are having enrichment classes, we spend this time shopping together.
* When I go on biz trip, I will use my miles to redeem for free tkts for him so he tags along and we would do short extension after that to see the place. I think we did at least 4 of such trips this year :roll: Also, if he travels to Thailand for meeting, I will tag along and work from the hotel and we will spend the evening enjoying the place (thanks to my company that allows us flexibility in working location).

My hubby belongs to the more affectionate type while i am the opposite. He would call the girls his princess and call mummy the princess too infront of the kids. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if my hubby goes before me. Think that would be very sad. Anyway.... I will probably go before him since I've more health problem.

[peapot]

Wow,MM I envy your marriage life. I can’t even meet your 1st, 2nd and 3 rd point. I m always alone when I bring my child for enrichment. If I m not free, he will bring the kid but it will never be "together" bring you know what I m saying? So sad…

[waynemum]

To me, the obvious choice is my DS!


I’ll bring him everywhere i go on my off day. My DH only off on sunday and i never really spend time alone with him ever since the arrival of DS as i will feel "guilty" leaving my son with my MIL while we go "dating".

We will always go out as a family and my DS is only 3yo and he had watched countless movies with us! Maybe that will change as he is still "free"! Don’t need ticket. Hee hee…

I am 1 mom that can forsake my DH for DS! I love my DS too much !

Sorry my DH!

[peapot]

Wa waynemum, does your hubby surf this forum? He will be heartbroken. Ha…but I guess I m also like you. If my gal is not with me, I’ll be thinking about her. But if hubby not with me, I will still be thinking of my gal.

[kiasimom]

I guess this is called maternal reaction.


From the day, DS and DD is in our womb, the attachment and bonding is already there.

Imagine we know how to change diapers and feed baby automatically

Men says they are analytical creatures and women are emotional creatures!!

We let our heart rule our head and they let their head rule their heart :stupid:

[autumnbronze]

This is really really a tough question. I resisted answering this for a while because I wanted to sit on it.


Then I came to this conclusion ... finally.

I want the best for my DS. I can shower him with all the love in the world, but if I neglect my DH, he will be unhappy, which in turn will make me unhappy, which in turn will affect the way I treat my DS, which in turn will make him unhappy.

It has to take two in order for my DS to thrive in a positive environment. Hence, I decided that DH has to come first. I make him happy, he makes me happy, he makes DS happy, I make DS happy, DS is happy and I will in turn again be happy.

Does that make sense?? :?

Ultimately, I just want my DS to be happy always. That cannot happen if DH and DW are not happy together.

Just my 2 cents worth of personal opinion....

[schweppes]

This is an interesting question to answer. Whilst I agree with many of the mommy posts who said that their kids come first, I do agree with Autumnbronze that our DH is important to us as well.


I love my children to bits and will do anything reasonably possible for them within my means and ability. On the other hand, my DH is important to me as well. If my kids come first all the time and I neglect him, then that's not what a good marriage and the foundation of a good family should be built upon.

IMO, the cornerstone and core of a strong family foundation is the love, stability and trust between husband and wife. And on that strong foundation, that's where we build our family and to love and nurture our children as all parents would and should.

So, to keep the balance between DH and children, for me, it depends on the situation or circumstance. Maybe you can call it \"taking turns\". I tell my family that there's only one of me and they have to share me.

On some days/ occasions, the children will come first, and on other days/ occasions, then DH will come first. So no one gets neglected.

BUT, even as a mother and wife, one must not forget that we are our own person too.

In other words, DON'T FORGET about taking care of yourself and that there are days where YOU should come first. I realise that I need to take care of myself too and have my own ME time. Because when you take care of yourself, you can take better care of your family too.

Just my humble opinion... :love:

[autumnbronze]

schweppes:

This is an interesting question to answer. Whilst I agree with many of the mommy posts who said that their kids come first, I do agree with Autumnbronze that our DH is important to us as well.


I love my children to bits and will do anything reasonably possible for them within my means and ability. On the other hand, my DH is important to me as well. If my kids come first all the time and I neglect him, then that's not what a good marriage and the foundation of a good family should be built upon.

IMO, the cornerstone and core of a strong family foundation is the love, stability and trust between husband and wife. And on that strong foundation, that's where we build our family and to love and nurture our children as all parents would and should.

So, to keep the balance between DH and children, for me, it depends on the situation or circumstance. Maybe you can call it \"taking turns\". I tell my family that there's only one of me and they have to share me.

On some days/ occasions, the children will come first, and on other days/ occasions, then DH will come first. So no one gets neglected.

BUT, even as a mother and wife, one must not forget that we are our own person too.

In other words, DON'T FORGET about taking care of yourself and that there are days where YOU should come first. I realise that I need to take care of myself too and have my own ME time. Because when you take care of yourself, you can take better care of your family too.

Just my humble opinion... :love:

Ahhhh Schweppes,

You have put it so beautifully succintly

Basically, SPOT On, in my opinion .....

Thank you for expressing it so clearly and logically. This has taught me not to KPO ard the site at ungodly hours in the morn in my tired but not sleepy state

Obviously, from this I SO totally agree with you ....

[schweppes]

haha... thanks Autumnbronze. :lol:

[schweppes]

KopiYing:

I notice that some or most of my friends, after having babies, they still have couple time. They put their kids with their parents or in laws and spend quality time with their spouses. In fact i really envy them coz I have no one to put my toddler. And it's impossible to leave him with the maid and hubby & I spend time outside...


Is it really that important to have couple time? What if I dont have the priviledge? Will our relationship turn bad?

My second child is arriving soon and couple time is totally out of the question! Sigh....I really envy those who could watch movie, have a nice dinner together.

Hi KopiYing
I know how you feel. I envy my friends and my brother for having couple time with their spouses. Even my bro will park his kid with my parents whilst he and his wife go out on dates.

Unfortunately I do not have that privilege. My parents will say that they are tired or unwell if I say I want to leave my kids at their place overnight. Also, I never had a maid. I send my kids to childcare (when they were younger) and now that they are older, they only go to my parents' place after school. Maybe that's why my parents are not keen to help look after my kids at night (even if it's for one night) as they look after them in the day.

Yes, I do agree that couple time can be quite difficult - especially with baby on the way. Who has time to think \"romance\" when you are so, so, so tired and have to worry about night feeds, diaper change and body aches. Have been through that all, and I know how you feel.

Guess there is a time and place for everything. In this instance, the kids will come first as they are young and really needs mommy's attention.

So, where possible, steal a moment with your DH. Couple time need not mean going out. It can be a quiet moment over dinner or supper, or watching some mindless TV show or rented DVD movie together - if you can still keep your eyes open by then.

hquek:

Anyway, perhaps for now, you may have to endure the lack of couple time a bit. But take sometime, just sit with him after the kids have gone to bed. Any min is better than none at all.

Agree with hquek that you can find pockets of couple time...

It will get better when the kids are older. Now, that our kids are older (10 and 12yo), sometimes we leave them at home (they are happy to stay home alone now - their sense of independence), both DH and myself will go out for maybe 2 hours - the reason is to run errands and buy grocery but we steal some time at Starbucks or even the kopitiam and we are happy with what little we can get. Not quite \"date night\", but hey, some time out together better than none at all.

Just want you to know that you are not alone. Take care. :love: