Failing relationship with Son

[mummy OnABudget]

ammonite:

I have a few thoughts - do you know anything about his best friend? Must understand the partner in crime, and who is the motivator, your son,or the friend. Or some kids when they get together, they just egg each other on. You may need to distance his friend by introducing more positive influences, or co-opt the friend by inviting him home. Find out more.

Are they clever boys feeling aimless and sick of school? Or stressed out boys feeling sick of school? Feel aimless - introduce new hobbies, activities. Stressed out - find ways to relieve stress. Take concrete measures. Words don't help.

Do they know what they want after PSLE? Do they have good relationship with the teachers? Or have they already been labelled and condemned by family and school?

If they don't know what they want, time to sit down and ask them t think about future careers. Do not tell them - if you do badly you end up in some low- wage jobs. They already know that. Give them a beautiful vision to work towards.

Teachers? At p6 you have to face them day in day out. It has to be at least bearable.

Labels? If they have already been condemned, there is nothing to lose even if they go gallivanting or have one more fight.

Create a new space in which they can grow. A place where they can have a new start. It can be taking up sailing - wind, wave, discipline - rock climbing, something \"manly\", adultish, suitable for their temperament and energies. When you reaffirm their identities, they will settle down. It may not be in time for PSLE, but it will still be a very valuable year that shape the rest of their teenaged years. Worth sacrificing some A's for.

Now is no longer about getting As all we want to know is what is going on all he wants is access back to the computer access back to the handphone privileges that were taken away when he started all his rubbish.

[Jennifer]

mummy OnABudget:

My EX HUBBY is not and has not be involed with my ds since he was 5 i remarried but both my kids are from my previous marriage we do not have and will not want any more kids.


My boy and his best friend both have their fair share of being the leader in different situation.

MY current hubby has tried all he can to talk to ds but he is just acting very nonchalant about everything we ask him what does he want in the future he said dont worry la i sure can go to a good school, without working hard this is definitely not possible i told him directly.

I cannot bring him home myself because i myself is on course now i have my own workload to handle.

I dare to say we are not biased in anyway is like we give them both what ever we get for the other, same item same value so no figths about who get whats that cost more.

He has went for counselling before for the divorce and the counsellor was the one who discharge him from her care as she feels he is coping well and hes been ok just this year suddenly all the acting up.

I feel that being fair is not about giving the same amount of material possessions to our children. To me, it is about the required attention each unique child needs.

Love is an abstract idea. If grown up adults have problems with identifying love, knows whether they love this person or not, I think it is even harder for little children to understand parental love, esp when parental love comes bundled with disciplinary issues.

To improve parent-child relationship, I believe in verbalising \"I love you\" to our children frequently. When I do something for my children, I tell them that I am doing xxx becos I love you. When I buy their favourite snacks, I tell them becos I love them, I remember this is their favourite food. When I clean their room for them, I tell them I provide a clean room for them bcos I love them and want them to grow up healthly. When I scold them, I tell them bcos I love them and want them to be responsible individual.

My elder boy knows I love him.

My younger boy still blur blur even though I am saying the above. He is a challenge.

[ammonite]

mummy OnABudget:

My EX HUBBY is not and has not be involed with my ds since he was 5 i remarried but both my kids are from my previous marriage we do not have and will not want any more kids.


My boy and his best friend both have their fair share of being the leader in different situation.

MY current hubby has tried all he can to talk to ds but he is just acting very nonchalant about everything we ask him what does he want in the future he said dont worry la i sure can go to a good school, without working hard this is definitely not possible i told him directly.

I cannot bring him home myself because i myself is on course now i have my own workload to handle.

I dare to say we are not biased in anyway is like we give them both what ever we get for the other, same item same value so no figths about who get whats that cost more.

He has went for counselling before for the divorce and the counsellor was the one who discharge him from her care as she feels he is coping well and hes been ok just this year suddenly all the acting up.

I am sorry to hear this, it must be hard and tiring. :hugs:

I didn't see this post earlier. But I will ammend to say that in this case, stress on your concern for him and then stand firm on accountability. Because you are strapped for time and energy, you must create a support network around yourself and him. This can be neighbours, enrichment teachers and relatives.

I don't want to speculate, but I will just throw this out for your consideration. As he enters puberty, he may start to think about his biological father. If there had been no contact since he was young, this may be a question mark in his life as he himself grows to be a man. It depends also on the bonding between your current hubby and him. A counsellor to explore these areas is a good idea.

[sharonkhoo]

Jennifer:

mummy OnABudget:

I dare to say we are not biased in anyway is like we give them both what ever we get for the other, same item same value so no figths about who get whats that cost more.

I feel that being fair is not about giving the same amount of material possessions to our children. To me, it is about the required attention each unique child needs.

I agree with this. I have 2 very different girls, both teens, and because they are so different, we have hardly given them the 'same things' for the past few years. One is more active and interested in many things, and so it seems she gets more 'stuff' - guitar, sports stuff, camera etc. We ask the other if she wants them, and technically some of the things are to be 'shared', but she hardly makes use of them. The one who gets more stuff is also the higher achiever academically and the pleasanter personality, so I have to constantly make sure that my girls understand that I give them things according to needs and interests, not as rewards for results or because we are more pleased with her. In the end, it boils down to appreciating each child as an individual and showing that we will try our best to help her achieve her life goals even if they are not exactly what we parents would choose. So far it seems OK as both have a good relationship with each other as well as with us parents, and I hope it remains so.

[Jennifer]

mummy OnABudget:

I cannot bring him home myself because i myself is on course now i have my own workload to handle.

Is it possible to give up this course you r attending for the time being?

When we stretch ourselves too thin, our stress level go up. When we want to hv a good talk to our children, our tone might not be right.

[mummy OnABudget]

Jennifer:

mummy OnABudget:

I cannot bring him home myself because i myself is on course now i have my own workload to handle.

Is it possible to give up this course you r attending for the time being?

When we stretch ourselves too thin, our stress level go up. When we want to hv a good talk to our children, our tone might not be right.

I can if i could thing is i cant its the last intake for the course ever before the changes kick in from mcys then my previous qualification certificate to take this course be rendered useless.

My ex abadoned the family since 2005 i met my current hubby in 2009 my boy has always tried to contact him and hes always rejecting to see him my girl was too young to know what is going on so she takes to currnet hubby alot and not her father.

Imagine the rejection he feels whenever he calls and all the idiot can say is i am BUSY when on the other hand a search on facebook shows he is having a good time with his current family and best part is this woman this 3rd party is actually my ex bil wife. so basically she went from being his ah kim to his step mum, i know how that feels since my mum left early and my dad remarried thus i am super sensitive to this kinda issue.

I always tell him boy ar dont call la when in the end when u get disappointed is u suffer not him but he does not listen so i have given up trying to stop the calls.

[sharonkhoo]

mummy OnABudget:

I always tell him boy ar dont call la when in the end when u get disappointed is u suffer not him but he does not listen so i have given up trying to stop the calls.

Perhaps this is something a trained counsellor would be able to help him deal with? Sounds like he needs to accept that the father is not willing to maintain the relationship and move on, but it may not be something that you can help with as you may be too close. It must be a very painful thing to have to accept and it may be the issue (or one of them) that is causing his rebelliousness.

[jedamum]

is there any other male role model for him to hang out/talk with?

he may not take to your husband well as he may view it as an act of betrayal towards his biological dad (despite the cold treatment he gets, he may still treat that man as still his biological father).

[smartmummy]

My cousin bro went to see his father.He never hug my bro, he asked so many qns (enguired) and suspecting his ex wife.He was about 5 and he saw other fathers how they love the children.He got very disappointed experience.After the visit he hate his father.Even the father approached hum,he never responsed.

Why your boy still love him?

[mummy OnABudget]

smartmummy:

My cousin bro went to see his father.He never hug my bro, he asked so many qns (enguired) and suspecting his ex wife.He was about 5 and he saw other fathers how they love the children.He got very disappointed experience.After the visit he hate his father.Even the father approached hum,he never responsed.

Why your boy still love him?

I do not know WHY he still LOVES that idiot though i never bad mouth nor praise him in-front of the kids but it seems this boy is holding on to dont know what hope.

I have stop the yrly vist to my ex in laws too as i think it aint good for the kids at all rejection such a big thing they are facing from there and yet haiz

all i can do now is and keep my :xedfingers: that everything will be clearer after the imh assement.