Failing relationship with Son

[sharonkhoo]

Jennifer:

mummy OnABudget:

I dare to say we are not biased in anyway is like we give them both what ever we get for the other, same item same value so no figths about who get whats that cost more.

I feel that being fair is not about giving the same amount of material possessions to our children. To me, it is about the required attention each unique child needs.

I agree with this. I have 2 very different girls, both teens, and because they are so different, we have hardly given them the 'same things' for the past few years. One is more active and interested in many things, and so it seems she gets more 'stuff' - guitar, sports stuff, camera etc. We ask the other if she wants them, and technically some of the things are to be 'shared', but she hardly makes use of them. The one who gets more stuff is also the higher achiever academically and the pleasanter personality, so I have to constantly make sure that my girls understand that I give them things according to needs and interests, not as rewards for results or because we are more pleased with her. In the end, it boils down to appreciating each child as an individual and showing that we will try our best to help her achieve her life goals even if they are not exactly what we parents would choose. So far it seems OK as both have a good relationship with each other as well as with us parents, and I hope it remains so.

[Jennifer]

mummy OnABudget:

I cannot bring him home myself because i myself is on course now i have my own workload to handle.

Is it possible to give up this course you r attending for the time being?

When we stretch ourselves too thin, our stress level go up. When we want to hv a good talk to our children, our tone might not be right.

[mummy OnABudget]

Jennifer:

mummy OnABudget:

I cannot bring him home myself because i myself is on course now i have my own workload to handle.

Is it possible to give up this course you r attending for the time being?

When we stretch ourselves too thin, our stress level go up. When we want to hv a good talk to our children, our tone might not be right.

I can if i could thing is i cant its the last intake for the course ever before the changes kick in from mcys then my previous qualification certificate to take this course be rendered useless.

My ex abadoned the family since 2005 i met my current hubby in 2009 my boy has always tried to contact him and hes always rejecting to see him my girl was too young to know what is going on so she takes to currnet hubby alot and not her father.

Imagine the rejection he feels whenever he calls and all the idiot can say is i am BUSY when on the other hand a search on facebook shows he is having a good time with his current family and best part is this woman this 3rd party is actually my ex bil wife. so basically she went from being his ah kim to his step mum, i know how that feels since my mum left early and my dad remarried thus i am super sensitive to this kinda issue.

I always tell him boy ar dont call la when in the end when u get disappointed is u suffer not him but he does not listen so i have given up trying to stop the calls.

[sharonkhoo]

mummy OnABudget:

I always tell him boy ar dont call la when in the end when u get disappointed is u suffer not him but he does not listen so i have given up trying to stop the calls.

Perhaps this is something a trained counsellor would be able to help him deal with? Sounds like he needs to accept that the father is not willing to maintain the relationship and move on, but it may not be something that you can help with as you may be too close. It must be a very painful thing to have to accept and it may be the issue (or one of them) that is causing his rebelliousness.

[jedamum]

is there any other male role model for him to hang out/talk with?

he may not take to your husband well as he may view it as an act of betrayal towards his biological dad (despite the cold treatment he gets, he may still treat that man as still his biological father).

[smartmummy]

My cousin bro went to see his father.He never hug my bro, he asked so many qns (enguired) and suspecting his ex wife.He was about 5 and he saw other fathers how they love the children.He got very disappointed experience.After the visit he hate his father.Even the father approached hum,he never responsed.

Why your boy still love him?

[mummy OnABudget]

smartmummy:

My cousin bro went to see his father.He never hug my bro, he asked so many qns (enguired) and suspecting his ex wife.He was about 5 and he saw other fathers how they love the children.He got very disappointed experience.After the visit he hate his father.Even the father approached hum,he never responsed.

Why your boy still love him?

I do not know WHY he still LOVES that idiot though i never bad mouth nor praise him in-front of the kids but it seems this boy is holding on to dont know what hope.

I have stop the yrly vist to my ex in laws too as i think it aint good for the kids at all rejection such a big thing they are facing from there and yet haiz

all i can do now is and keep my :xedfingers: that everything will be clearer after the imh assement.

[Jennifer]

mummy OnABudget:

Jennifer:

[quote=\"mummy OnABudget\"]I cannot bring him home myself because i myself is on course now i have my own workload to handle.

Is it possible to give up this course you r attending for the time being?

When we stretch ourselves too thin, our stress level go up. When we want to hv a good talk to our children, our tone might not be right.

I can if i could thing is i cant its the last intake for the course ever before the changes kick in from mcys then my previous qualification certificate to take this course be rendered useless.[/quote]Hope I am not being insensitive here: which do you think is most important - your child or your qualification?

mummy OnABudget:

My ex abadoned the family since 2005 i met my current hubby in 2009 my boy has always tried to contact him and hes always rejecting to see him my girl was too young to know what is going on so she takes to currnet hubby alot and not her father.

Imagine the rejection he feels whenever he calls and all the idiot can say is i am BUSY when on the other hand a search on facebook shows he is having a good time with his current family and best part is this woman this 3rd party is actually my ex bil wife. so basically she went from being his ah kim to his step mum, i know how that feels since my mum left early and my dad remarried thus i am super sensitive to this kinda issue.

I always tell him boy ar dont call la when in the end when u get disappointed is u suffer not him but he does not listen so i have given up trying to stop the calls.

Reading the above, I feel so heartache.

From what you wrote above \"I always tell him boy ar dont call la when in the end when u get disappointed is u suffer not him but he does not listen so i have given up trying to stop the calls\", I feel that the issue is not resolved. The knot inside your boy . Please seek out professional counselling for your boy before the damage is irreversible.

[mummy OnABudget]

definitely ds is more imprtoant no question asked and because of your words and advice i am going to swap to part time course instead but that can only be done in may not now, for now hubby is fetching younger one nd ds is walking back since he does not want to be fetch together as he said he cannot stand dd.


Yea school counsellor is trying now we wait for the 19 april and see how.

oh ya and guess what is the most sickening thing that idiot did was promise him a bday present from last yr till now and it still have not materialise and this silly boy of mine is still waiting though i said i will give him something else that he wants to make up for it he dont want ><

[mummy so kiasu]

smartmummy:

Hi mummy OnABudget!

:snuggles:
Are you FTWM or SAHM?
I know it is easier said than done.But you only know your son best.We all know cannot shout have to talk heart-to-heart.At times we forgot or think that we did enough talk and give up the talk.I did a mistake in the early of this year.He already stressed out at school,but i was not aware of his stress and gave him more stress by shouting.Finally, I decided to want to know what is his point of view.Then I explained to him and convinced him that his thoughts are wrong.I cooked some favourite food for him and show him I support him instead of nagging.I show more responsiblity in my chores.
When I started to talk him nicely, his argument made me angry.Its took three days.Be patience,and talk constantly.Tell him that \"usually,he is a good boy ,why he does now?\" So he can change this bad behaviour.I took this advise from Chen's(Petunia Lee, Internal drive theory) book.
Best wishes!

:goodpost: Well done! You did the right things. Shouting & scolding will not solve the problem. We have to listen to find out where is the problem. :goodpost: