Failing relationship with Son

[Fresco]

Hi mummy OnABudget


Your child clearly has underlying issues that need to be addressed. His out of control and unusual to his temperament and development behaviour is indeed rooted in something real…a deeper emotional state. He is not a problem but having a problem. Your son is frustrated and upset. His misbehavior is an expression of stress.

Let’s face it. All children want to be successful. They don’t misbehave for the sake of misbehaving. The fact that they do so is triggered by an unconscious state of fear and stress. Bottom line is your child’s needs are not met. Perhaps he doesn’t understand it himself but he knows something doesn’t feel right. You have misunderstood his misbehavior and that’s why he continues to act up. Punishing him for his misbehaviour only adds more conflict and stress to your child. You should change your anger to compassion and be less reactive when handling his misbehavior even though your buttons get pushed hard. Investigate the roots to your son’s stress and address these issues quickly. It could be the estranged relationship with his biological father or perhaps he feels disconnected from his friends, teachers or even his family members. Also, a child’s greatest need is to be accepted, unconditional acceptance, not just love. He does not want our presents but presence. Be there for your child when he needs you before it is too late. Do not be distraught. You are not responsible for your child’s feelings. Seek professional counseling early.

[Nebbermind]

I’m not sure about professional counselling…some kids may take it very negatively. To them, "I’m not sick so why send me there??!!" They may shut themselves up totally if the wrong person handle the case.


PSLE is important, but at this point, I believe it’s more important to win back your son, and probably rebuild his self esteem (I’m not sure how much impact the broken marriage and being ignored by his dad had on him).

[JohnYeo]

It really depends on the skills of the counsellors and how well they can engage your child and you. You may want to explore Counselling and Care Centre. They have very experienced counsellors who are trained in family therapy. It’s in Chinatown, Hong Lim Complex.

[Flowermonaster]

mummy OnABudget:

I been there getting :mad: :mad: and :rant: :rant: aat him non stop but all i could do in the end was :stupid: :stupid: :stupid: cause he will never understand what is going on.

All i can do now is be there for ds in whatever way i can this journey has not been easy but i been through the tough times this is just another battle that i will conquere and come out stronger with ds in tow.

Difference now is i got a man behind me who is my silent listener who let me rants all i want and when i done all he say is baby u can do it jia you and that is what that has been keeping me going.

I think back on my failed marriage all i can say is i did my best he was the one who gave up on the family not me.

Not sure if my suggestion will help... Could be your boy thinks that you have found an anchor but to him, he is still nursing his pain & lost. How about you share with him your feeling about the breakup to let him know he is not alone, you have been there & you are able to carry on to live your life because of him, his sister & your current hubby? I feel that your boy is mature for his age & he might be more sensitive than most kids of his age. Talk to him like you would to a teenager & don't treat him like small baby.

[mummy OnABudget]

Flowermonaster:

Not sure if my suggestion will help... Could be your boy thinks that you have found an anchor but to him, he is still nursing his pain & lost. How about you share with him your feeling about the breakup to let him know he is not alone, you have been there & you are able to carry on to live your life because of him, his sister & your current hubby? I feel that your boy is mature for his age & he might be more sensitive than most kids of his age. Talk to him like you would to a teenager & don't treat him like small baby.

I have even related about my own loss of my mum at 12 and what i was told by my own father the exact hurting words, i told him before boy mummy knows what u are going through is not easy i been there done that and now u and meimei are mummy pillar of strength so i want to be yours too but i can only do that if u are willing to let mum my know what u are thinking.

i told him at least u have me to hold on to i had no one and if u feel i am not the one u want to speak to i will get someone else to talk to you
he also dont want.

[hquek]

hi mummy on a budget,


I feel really sad hearing your story. I’m sorry but I have no experience with counselling, neither can I give you any good suggestions. Gather that your boy is hurting and therefore behaving this way. Perhaps at this time, you can only offer him love and encouragement.

I attended talk before by this Taiwanese teacher (李崇建), a lot of it I won’t know how to apply. but one thing he keep saying stayed close in my mind. Parents usually hit/scream at a child, but oftentimes it doesn’t work, so he asks why they continue to do it when it’s not working (made me stop and think). He encourages parents not to ask questions directly like "why did you", but rather adopt a curious stance and ask the child instead "我很好奇…".

He’s actually in town this week and I’m attending some talks by him. The talks are not expensive, pm me if you like details. Perhaps you may have a chance to talk to him/ask him some questions on how to handle.

[iFirefly]

mummy OnABudget:

Difference now is i got a man behind me who is my silent listener who let me rants all i want and when i done all he say is baby u can do it jia you and that is what that has been keeping me going.

Am I right to say that you have a Boyfriend now? Umm.. Could this be the reason why your DS has been behaving this way towards you??

You may hate your ex-hubby, but that does not mean your DS will follow you and hate his Papa.. On the contrary, your DS may still love his Papa very much.. You know, such Papa-Son bond is stronger than you could imagine..

I may be wrong.. Just a point for you to ponder..

[smartmummy]

firefly38:

mummy OnABudget:

Difference now is i got a man behind me who is my silent listener who let me rants all i want and when i done all he say is baby u can do it jia you and that is what that has been keeping me going.

Am I right to say that you have a Boyfriend now? Umm.. Could this be the reason why your DS has been behaving this way towards you?? You may hate your ex-hubby, but that does not mean your DS will follow you and hate his Papa.. On the contrary, your DS may still love his Papa very much.. You know, such Papa-Son bond is stronger than you could imagine..

I may be wrong.. Just a point for you to ponder..

I suspect too that his bonding with his father is strong.but the father doesn't seemsthat he has that now.If he love the boy he cannot reject to answer or reject to help.May be his current family deny him to do that.From her sharings, she divorced 2005 and remarried 2009.when they divorced this boy 5yrs old.

[mummy OnABudget]

like i stated earlier i have remarried 4yrs after my hyubby left the family in shambles i move on.


I have never said anything bad about his father to him i still try to call that idiot to ask him to pls talk to his son all i get from him is not my business erzhi is urs u go handle this is what a wonderful father is he.

i even stop my family members from saying anything negative about my ex infront of the children, he was never there when my boy was growing up and yet i dont know why ds is holding on to him.

[Jennifer]

mummy OnABudget:

he was never there when my boy was growing up and yet i dont know why ds is holding on to him.

Hope the IMH assessment will give you an answer soon.