Do you cane your daughters when they misbehave?
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My DD is only 3 and a half. I have never thought that there will be a day when i would need to cane or any other type of physical punishment. I think that type of disciplining style just doesnt sit well with my own personality. Dont think i have the capability to 'hurt' anything, much less a child even if its for their own good.
So i play to my strengths i guess... i am a quiet person by nature and one things i do do well is waiting people out and not get fazed easily. My DD used to whine/cry/tantrum when she doesnt get her way. I can literally be around her, not say a word while she work herself out (since she is busy screaming, no point saying much cos she is not going to listen) and reaffirm what i said (i.e. No means no. We are going to do XYZ). It takes time and patience but it doesnt bother me very much to have her scream and shout, and even at 1+yrs, i think she knew how it is exhausting for her and not so much for me. I think Kids have that amazing ability to know when the people they are dealing with are fazed and push it to their advantage.
I dare say, even at my DD's age, sometimes she get all indignant and sulky cos i dont respond to her tantrums the way she wanted and just calmly do my things. On and off when her tantrum cycle is at a dip (when the crying gets a bit softer or she running outta energy), i will pop over and smiles sympathically saying, \"Feeling better now? Let's go wash up?\". If she thinks i am caving in and asked for what i say she cant have, i just tell her \"Sorry, Mommy said XYZ right?\". If that gets her going again, i just tell her \"Looks like you are not ready and still upset, it's okie.. Mommy will be there when you are ready for a hug, wash up and XYZ\".
After a while, she will take that hug, the help in washing up and doing XYZ cos that beats having nothing. When it all blows over, then i talk to her about it with explanation and reasoning she can understand. And i teach her about apologizing too (sometimes she say she dont like Mommy or pushes me when she was out of control). After that, we are all good.
Please to say, this work pretty well for the both of us. Now she hardly ever tantrums with me (still do it occasionally with my Hubby esp when i am not around, cos i think he deals with her in a more 'discipline' but inconsistent way). Our relationship is very close and i usually dont have to raise my voice to stop her from doing anything. At most i count 3,2,1 and bring her to do what i need her to do but i hardly need to get to 2, and she moves.
Things will change as DD is growing up and i am sure new situations will come up but i dont think i will use a cane ever. Other parents/kids will have different experiences of cos which i think we all find what work best for our own situation.
In short, i think for me discipline has to,
1) Resonate (with my own personality and thinking style)
2) Reliable (having to deal with a child in a consistent and predictable manner, from young)
3) Reasonable (demands and expectations should correspond to the child's developmental age)
My 2 and half cents.
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aurorin:
:goodpost:My DD is only 3 and a half. I have never thought that there will be a day when i would need to cane or any other type of physical punishment. I think that type of disciplining style just doesnt sit well with my own personality. Dont think i have the capability to 'hurt' anything, much less a child even if its for their own good.
So i play to my strengths i guess... i am a quiet person by nature and one things i do do well is waiting people out and not get fazed easily. My DD used to whine/cry/tantrum when she doesnt get her way. I can literally be around her, not say a word while she work herself out (since she is busy screaming, no point saying much cos she is not going to listen) and reaffirm what i said (i.e. No means no. We are going to do XYZ). It takes time and patience but it doesnt bother me very much to have her scream and shout, and even at 1+yrs, i think she knew how it is exhausting for her and not so much for me. I think Kids have that amazing ability to know when the people they are dealing with are fazed and push it to their advantage.
I dare say, even at my DD's age, sometimes she get all indignant and sulky cos i dont respond to her tantrums the way she wanted and just calmly do my things. On and off when her tantrum cycle is at a dip (when the crying gets a bit softer or she running outta energy), i will pop over and smiles sympathically saying, \"Feeling better now? Let's go wash up?\". If she thinks i am caving in and asked for what i say she cant have, i just tell her \"Sorry, Mommy said XYZ right?\". If that gets her going again, i just tell her \"Looks like you are not ready and still upset, it's okie.. Mommy will be there when you are ready for a hug, wash up and XYZ\".
After a while, she will take that hug, the help in washing up and doing XYZ cos that beats having nothing. When it all blows over, then i talk to her about it with explanation and reasoning she can understand. And i teach her about apologizing too (sometimes she say she dont like Mommy or pushes me when she was out of control). After that, we are all good.
Please to say, this work pretty well for the both of us. Now she hardly ever tantrums with me (still do it occasionally with my Hubby esp when i am not around, cos i think he deals with her in a more 'discipline' but inconsistent way). Our relationship is very close and i usually dont have to raise my voice to stop her from doing anything. At most i count 3,2,1 and bring her to do what i need her to do but i hardly need to get to 2, and she moves.
Things will change as DD is growing up and i am sure new situations will come up but i dont think i will use a cane ever. Other parents/kids will have different experiences of cos which i think we all find what work best for our own situation.
In short, i think for me discipline has to,
1) Resonate (with my own personality and thinking style)
2) Reliable (having to deal with a child in a consistent and predictable manner, from young)
3) Reasonable (demands and expectations should correspond to the child's developmental age)
My 2 and half cents.
Thanks for sharing your experience !
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I was hardly smacked / slapped / caned by my parents when I was a child. I only remembered being whipped by a belt once by my father from lying. One whip was enough… The metal buckle was power, where it landed, you could see the blood clotting.
But interestingly, I was caned A LOT by my elder brother (who was 10 years my senior). Whenever my parents were out during the night, I sure ended up being a zebra. Ask me what "crime" earn me my stripes? I dunno… I just felt that he was only venting his frustration on me.
Now that I am a mum, I don’t cane my child. I am always amused whenever i see the curious look on my child’s face when he meets mr cane. I guess he must be one of the very few kids who doesnt recognize the power if mr cane. I don’t use the cane (or any other weapon) for fear that it’s too harse on my child. We sometimes forget to control, you know, and may end up hurting the child. So I use my hand. If I feel the pain, he would feel even more pain.
But after reading what Bud said, I will think about it. No, I won’t switch to cane - no weapon for me. But I need to think of how to balance the idea of "hands are for sayang" and smacking.
I find myself smacking less these days. Not because my child is turning perfect but because I have found a more effective way - making him a responsible and sensible little person. Guilt is a very good tool. Praise is another one.
But in the short run, I don’t think I can stop smacking totally. Once n a while, a smack is still a very power disciplinary tool. -
my dd age of 3 is extremely stubborn and always demand the parents to submit to her will, for example, if my wife suddenly walks away to downstair while she is upstair, she will cry, scream and demand the mum to go upstair to bring her downstair with her, she will not walk down by herself as if she thinks she is on the losing side. Sometimes she might have nightmares, there is no use or whatever to comfort her, she will scream and scream for 15 mins, 30mins, 1 hour..., the only way to calm her down is to bring her to downstair and let her scream till she is happy, very reluctantly I have to smack her leg very very hardly in order to stop her, or else she will keep screaming for AGGEESSSS...., this happened in the past weeks at 1am, 2am, 12am....
we pray to God for help, and thank God for listening to our prayers, she is a lot better now. Anyway, i don't and I won't cane her because it is a crime in UK, i tried naughty corner method (learnt from supernanny on tv), but because of her stubbornness it can take too long to get her back to the very corner, so nowadays we will only put her on that naughty corner and ignore her completely until she submits to the punishment, no snack, no food no nothing, we just treat her as transparent, even my 5yrs old son joins us too Btw, our son is completely different our daughter, he listens and follows rules.
so i suggest supernanny method plus complete ignorance if she doesn't comply. -
starrysky321:
Anyway, i don't and I won't cane her because it is a crime in UK.
:yikes: it's a crime?! I assume you are living in UK. So are canes sold in UK? :evil:
Then smacking, using just hands, are fine? For a moment I thought of my colleague. She uses the wooden spatula to whack her son. -
Imami:
Wooden spatula? ouch.starrysky321:
Anyway, i don't and I won't cane her because it is a crime in UK.
:yikes: it's a crime?! I assume you are living in UK. So are canes sold in UK? :evil:
Then smacking, using just hands, are fine? For a moment I thought of my colleague. She uses the wooden spatula to whack her son.
Under child protection, i think its the same in Aus... cannot spank or considered abuse i think. We had a case in melb not too long ago, where a mother was charged in court cos she made her child carry a signboard in public saying \"Look at me, i am a thief\" as a punishment... The mother's defence for she has ran out of options as punishment as the child is stubborn and took things from her purse. She was trying to shame the child as a way to punish him.
Generated quite a bit of debate about parents' right to decide how to 'parent' their child and child's rights (i.e. when does it start to become emotional/physical abuses when disciplining). It is quite hard to discern the line sometimes. -
aurorin:
My first reaction after hearing from my colleague was also an \"ouch\" but when she added that the spatula showed signs of damage, I went :mad:
Wooden spatula? ouch.
Under child protection, i think its the same in Aus... cannot spank or considered abuse i think. We had a case in melb not too long ago, where a mother was charged in court cos she made her child carry a signboard in public saying \"Look at me, i am a thief\" as a punishment... The mother's defence for she has ran out of options as punishment as the child is stubborn and took things from her purse. She was trying to shame the child as a way to punish him.
Generated quite a bit of debate about parents' right to decide how to 'parent' their child and child's rights (i.e. when does it start to become emotional/physical abuses when disciplining). It is quite hard to discern the line sometimes.
When I read the part on the child holding a sign \"look at me, I am a thief\", I thought it was funny. Don't stone me, it's just for a sec. But upon deeper thoughts, I think it's real silly of that mum. I mean I believe a certain degree of punishment will do good - be it spanking or scolding or whatever. But the point is to teach the child the right from wrong/unacceptable. Getting the child to hold a sign that says \"I am a thief\" doesn't really teach the child, does it? It's just a low class shaming tactic. While shaming is a good deterrence, I don't think it shd be meted onto young children. It will hurt their pride and esteem for a long long time.
As a mother, I always feel that I should be two steps ahead of my child (my child is only four, so I can afford to say this). I find it very embarrassing to say/feel that I can't handle my kid. I mean, common la, he's not even in primary school and I am a tertiary educated. I can't handle a four year kid? -
Imami:
I agree with you.. I dont think shaming is the right thing to do for young children and it destroy the trust between a parent and a child, and in the long term does more harm than the short term deterrence.
My first reaction after hearing from my colleague was also an \"ouch\" but when she added that the spatula showed signs of damage, I went :mad:
When I read the part on the child holding a sign \"look at me, I am a thief\", I thought it was funny. Don't stone me, it's just for a sec. But upon deeper thoughts, I think it's real silly of that mum. I mean I believe a certain degree of punishment will do good - be it spanking or scolding or whatever. But the point is to teach the child the right from wrong/unacceptable. Getting the child to hold a sign that says \"I am a thief\" doesn't really teach the child, does it? It's just a low class shaming tactic. While shaming is a good deterrence, I don't think it shd be meted onto young children. It will hurt their pride and esteem for a long long time.
As a mother, I always feel that I should be two steps ahead of my child (my child is only four, so I can afford to say this). I find it very embarrassing to say/feel that I can't handle my kid. I mean, common la, he's not even in primary school and I am a tertiary educated. I can't handle a four year kid? -
Caning is still not considered a case of child abuse yet in Singapore, right? I mean, in the 1960s-1990s Caning was SUPER common the whole Singapore’s parents would be in jail for caning if the rule that caning is considered child abuse was established in Singapore xD
To me, actually only Singapore and Malaysia have a "caning-kids" culture. It’s not very common in other countries.
Maybe in China they cane their children too, I’m not sure.
In other "western" countries I don’t think they cane at all. The most they can do if their child has committed a VERY serious offense is give him a slap or as most "modern" families would do, stand at the naughty corner -
Many interesting points Thought I contributed something which I read before from a blog that I follow.
http://domesticgoddess-ourworldmyworld.blogspot.com/2010/07/parenting-thoughts-to-whack-or-not.html
This blogger mum raised many points which really left a deep impression in my mind. Everytime I got so worked up with my kids, just reading her article calms me down.
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