Do you cane your daughters when they misbehave?

[starrysky321]

my dd age of 3 is extremely stubborn and always demand the parents to submit to her will, for example, if my wife suddenly walks away to downstair while she is upstair, she will cry, scream and demand the mum to go upstair to bring her downstair with her, she will not walk down by herself as if she thinks she is on the losing side. Sometimes she might have nightmares, there is no use or whatever to comfort her, she will scream and scream for 15 mins, 30mins, 1 hour..., the only way to calm her down is to bring her to downstair and let her scream till she is happy, very reluctantly I have to smack her leg very very hardly in order to stop her, or else she will keep screaming for AGGEESSSS...., this happened in the past weeks at 1am, 2am, 12am....


we pray to God for help, and thank God for listening to our prayers, she is a lot better now. Anyway, i don't and I won't cane her because it is a crime in UK, i tried naughty corner method (learnt from supernanny on tv), but because of her stubbornness it can take too long to get her back to the very corner, so nowadays we will only put her on that naughty corner and ignore her completely until she submits to the punishment, no snack, no food no nothing, we just treat her as transparent, even my 5yrs old son joins us too Btw, our son is completely different our daughter, he listens and follows rules.

so i suggest supernanny method plus complete ignorance if she doesn't comply.

[Imami]

starrysky321:

Anyway, i don't and I won't cane her because it is a crime in UK.

:yikes: it's a crime?! I assume you are living in UK. So are canes sold in UK? :evil:

Then smacking, using just hands, are fine? For a moment I thought of my colleague. She uses the wooden spatula to whack her son.

[aurorin]

Imami:

starrysky321:

Anyway, i don't and I won't cane her because it is a crime in UK.

:yikes: it's a crime?! I assume you are living in UK. So are canes sold in UK? :evil:

Then smacking, using just hands, are fine? For a moment I thought of my colleague. She uses the wooden spatula to whack her son.

Wooden spatula? ouch.

Under child protection, i think its the same in Aus... cannot spank or considered abuse i think. We had a case in melb not too long ago, where a mother was charged in court cos she made her child carry a signboard in public saying \"Look at me, i am a thief\" as a punishment... The mother's defence for she has ran out of options as punishment as the child is stubborn and took things from her purse. She was trying to shame the child as a way to punish him.

Generated quite a bit of debate about parents' right to decide how to 'parent' their child and child's rights (i.e. when does it start to become emotional/physical abuses when disciplining). It is quite hard to discern the line sometimes.

[Imami]

aurorin:

Wooden spatula? ouch.

Under child protection, i think its the same in Aus... cannot spank or considered abuse i think. We had a case in melb not too long ago, where a mother was charged in court cos she made her child carry a signboard in public saying \"Look at me, i am a thief\" as a punishment... The mother's defence for she has ran out of options as punishment as the child is stubborn and took things from her purse. She was trying to shame the child as a way to punish him.

Generated quite a bit of debate about parents' right to decide how to 'parent' their child and child's rights (i.e. when does it start to become emotional/physical abuses when disciplining). It is quite hard to discern the line sometimes.

My first reaction after hearing from my colleague was also an \"ouch\" but when she added that the spatula showed signs of damage, I went :mad:

When I read the part on the child holding a sign \"look at me, I am a thief\", I thought it was funny. Don't stone me, it's just for a sec. But upon deeper thoughts, I think it's real silly of that mum. I mean I believe a certain degree of punishment will do good - be it spanking or scolding or whatever. But the point is to teach the child the right from wrong/unacceptable. Getting the child to hold a sign that says \"I am a thief\" doesn't really teach the child, does it? It's just a low class shaming tactic. While shaming is a good deterrence, I don't think it shd be meted onto young children. It will hurt their pride and esteem for a long long time.

As a mother, I always feel that I should be two steps ahead of my child (my child is only four, so I can afford to say this). I find it very embarrassing to say/feel that I can't handle my kid. I mean, common la, he's not even in primary school and I am a tertiary educated. I can't handle a four year kid?

[aurorin]

Imami:

My first reaction after hearing from my colleague was also an \"ouch\" but when she added that the spatula showed signs of damage, I went :mad:

When I read the part on the child holding a sign \"look at me, I am a thief\", I thought it was funny. Don't stone me, it's just for a sec. But upon deeper thoughts, I think it's real silly of that mum. I mean I believe a certain degree of punishment will do good - be it spanking or scolding or whatever. But the point is to teach the child the right from wrong/unacceptable. Getting the child to hold a sign that says \"I am a thief\" doesn't really teach the child, does it? It's just a low class shaming tactic. While shaming is a good deterrence, I don't think it shd be meted onto young children. It will hurt their pride and esteem for a long long time.

As a mother, I always feel that I should be two steps ahead of my child (my child is only four, so I can afford to say this). I find it very embarrassing to say/feel that I can't handle my kid. I mean, common la, he's not even in primary school and I am a tertiary educated. I can't handle a four year kid?

I agree with you.. I dont think shaming is the right thing to do for young children and it destroy the trust between a parent and a child, and in the long term does more harm than the short term deterrence.

[Ichigokun]

Caning is still not considered a case of child abuse yet in Singapore, right? I mean, in the 1960s-1990s Caning was SUPER common the whole Singapore’s parents would be in jail for caning if the rule that caning is considered child abuse was established in Singapore xD


To me, actually only Singapore and Malaysia have a "caning-kids" culture. It’s not very common in other countries.

Maybe in China they cane their children too, I’m not sure.

In other "western" countries I don’t think they cane at all. The most they can do if their child has committed a VERY serious offense is give him a slap or as most "modern" families would do, stand at the naughty corner

[manorway]

Many interesting points Thought I contributed something which I read before from a blog that I follow.


http://domesticgoddess-ourworldmyworld.blogspot.com/2010/07/parenting-thoughts-to-whack-or-not.html

This blogger mum raised many points which really left a deep impression in my mind. Everytime I got so worked up with my kids, just reading her article calms me down.

[Imami]

Indeed, there is always a tendency to "over punish" when our tolorence is tested beyond our threshold. That is why I maintain that I don’t spanking with "weapon"- my child still doesn’t know the power of mr cane. He always thought the few canes at grandma’s home are the fishing rods!


My sil, who parks her boy at my mil’s, owns those canes, they are more for shows really. Each time, she would use them to whack the table the floor etc (to threaten her son) while my child and I look upon, it’s quite amusing actually, knowing what she has up her sleeves but I always wonder how long this tactic would work since my child who is 1 year younger has already noticed - gu gu always use fishing rods to hit table and floor.

[kooky83]

Imami:

Indeed, there is always a tendency to \"over punish\" when our tolorence is tested beyond our threshold. That is why I maintain that I don't spanking with \"weapon\"- my child still doesn't know the power of mr cane. He always thought the few canes at grandma's home are the fishing rods!


My sil, who parks her boy at my mil's, owns those canes, they are more for shows really. Each time, she would use them to whack the table the floor etc (to threaten her son) while my child and I look upon, it's quite amusing actually, knowing what she has up her sleeves but I always wonder how long this tactic would work since my child who is 1 year younger has already noticed - gu gu always use fishing rods to hit table and floor.

i think young parents don't really use canes nowadays. i feel that canes can still be used as a threatening 'weapon' to make sure they don't misbehave, especially naughty ones. punishment is still necessary. maybe can use soft punishment might help instead

[joyceharper]

Imami:

Indeed, there is always a tendency to \"over punish\" when our tolorence is tested beyond our threshold. That is why I maintain that I don't spanking with \"weapon\"- my child still doesn't know the power of mr cane. He always thought the few canes at grandma's home are the fishing rods!


My sil, who parks her boy at my mil's, owns those canes, they are more for shows really. Each time, she would use them to whack the table the floor etc (to threaten her son) while my child and I look upon, it's quite amusing actually, knowing what she has up her sleeves but I always wonder how long this tactic would work since my child who is 1 year younger has already noticed - gu gu always use fishing rods to hit table and floor.

I never quite understood this when I heard one of my Singaporean friends tell me about it. It just sounds - cruel. And especially if it is done in the heat of the moment and anger of a parent, which I find hard to believe that it doesn't. It is also hard to believe that such a punishment will be effective beyond a certain age. Won't it lead to an even more rebellious child?

Personally, among my circle of friends, the most behaved children are the ones where the parent takes the time and patience to explain consequences to the child. The parent is firm and when the child chooses, he / she gets the consequence. Of course, occasionally, grace must be practiced if the child is really sorry - but not to the point of spoiling the child. That is another topic - where a lot of children in Western societies are too free and too spoiled.

Just some thoughts from a non-Asian.