In-law problems?

[winth]

buds:

Thought she was occupied with the activities at the college?

She used to, but she graduated.
Didn't hear about her enrolling into another course anymore. So technically, her weekends are free again.

Just last sat (the sat that we told them that we are 'busy' so won't be dropping by), and that day itself, SIL smsed DH,
'Mum told me that you are busy lately. But can we have a gathering for christmas as I've got presents for the children.'

DH didn't reply her at all.
We've had 3 house-warming gatherings over a span of 2 months at her new house, 2 coming overs to look at our place and we have just rejected another dinner gathering just 2 weeks ago! (Their definition of gathering: it has nothing to do with the weekly dinners we have with them, gatherings in addition to the weekly thing we do)

What's wrong with them? Aren't they busy at all?
Why keep having gatherings one after another? We are already having weekly dinners and these are actually not 'gatherings' to them.

DH hasn't replied till now and he's just plain mad that people are forcing 'gatherings' and 'welcome parties' out of us. We feel battered each night and trying to finish our 'to-do-list' but they really seem so free.

Is it really true that people are free (I mean, are you guys free everyday that you got nothing to do but shopping and making long phone calls)? How come they seem so freed up but we are so busy doing things? This just doesn't make any sense. :x

[Andaiz]

winth:

Is it really true that people are free (I mean, are you guys free everyday that you got nothing to do but shopping and making long phone calls)? How come they seem so freed up but we are so busy doing things? This just doesn't make any sense. :x

winth, some people just have the whole day's time sitting on their butts thinking and dreaming up all these stuff to while their time away.

If MIL is so free, time to engage her in some volunteer work so that she focuses less on you guys.

Some people just need to LEARN how to leave people alone! :x

[kiasimom]

Andaiz:

kiasimom, I so feel for you at these long, long (and thankfully far between dinners).


My SIL and I keep busy with the kids and oftentimes, the hubs would join us when the atmosphere around the table gets too icy chilly...

kiasimom:

Do you think when we are in-laws ourselves, will we be so annoying?

I not. I like my parents' mantra for grandparenthood...we do the best we can, listen more, give NO advice unless you are asked - there are far too many people giving advice and yours may not be in synch with your kids.

That said, I really thank them for pointing out their observations - done nicely and diplomatic, of course - about my kids' reactions, or my hubs' reactions to the things I say.

My MIL before we got married already made up her mind to be a \"tyranical MIL\". She made it a point that we do not stay together coz she says she has the propensity to be that (DIRECT QUOTE) and she's had a lifelong battle with her own MIL so she doesn't see the relationship as going anywhere.

Andaiz sis,

I can feel how you feel about your MIL comparing you to SIL.

My SIL is one superb character. PhD holder, never hold a job as BIL wants her to be a SAHM. She is home-schooling her DS.
As mentioned, MIL is clearly biased. Love her to the bits as she loves my first BIL to the bits :stupid:

But who cares? I don't need her to love me!

Same as in your situation, when having dinner with her, I just get myself busy with the kids and try not to talk to her.

You know facing \" Black face\", makes my whole dinner unenjoyable and unnatural.

Like you, I don't feel inferior and I am confident of who I am.

I know my precious children are proud of me, my parents are proud of me.
Who cares the heck if MIL likes me? Just don't step on my toes cos I bite :wrongmove:

She badmouths me in front of SIL because SIL comes from the same class status as the family whilst I'm like the poor DIL with no family background or connections mah! but I forgive her for that...coz I'm confident of who I am!

[kiasimom]

buds:

I initiate dinner out with mine but i still hear them complaining about me...

via SIL. Mine never will be contented with anything lar. I give up oredi...
From day one, i have been seen as the girl who took her favourite son
away from her. But hor, i literally didn't! Cos he's still with her what...
Then still i bad?

That is jealousy, buds sista.
Even though you stay with her, there is this prick in her and she sees you as a thorn in her flesh!

Hack care her. be like me. talk less and there will be lesser conflicts.

Oops, will I be executed by buds_hub?

[kiasimom]

Just recently, my DH broached the subject of inviting my ILs over for reunion dinner.


I was like :scared: and turned him down.

I suggested going to BIL's place and he was :x

I am still trying very hard to persuade him to go to BIL place for reunion dinner :xedfingers:

Seriously, I think I am a freak as I don't like visitors at my house espmy MIL :dowan:

[Andaiz]

kiasimom:

Just recently, my DH broached the subject of inviting my ILs over for reunion dinner.


I was like :scared: and turned him down.

I suggested going to BIL's place and he was :x

I am still trying very hard to persuade him to go to BIL place for reunion dinner :xedfingers:

Seriously, I think I am a freak as I don't like visitors at my house espmy MIL :dowan:

Hard to say no right? Esp when DH opens his mouth. My words to DH has been (and continue to be) I respect her as a person and love her as your mother but beyond that, I can't reconcile her nature and the hurtful words she says.

Like I said before, I dunno which is worse, that she acts like the victim or she victimises me!

[Eagle-Ladybird]

If I may put in my 2 cents worth:


I think it’s important for the man in the family to stand firm on certain principles, and lead by example. Me and my wife went through Pre-Marital Classes, where topics of all kinds are dealt with, including managing In-Laws. Nothing new as we have heard many stories (pretty much like this thread), but it served as an awakening call in a more urgent manner.

My thoughts were, that I’ll take the lead to lay ground rules for MY parents. I told my mum and dad that WE will live our lives the way we want it to be. They can "voice" their advise, and we will hear, but ultimately WE reserve the right to decide. And when they come to my house, the HOST dictates. And I told my mum with NO UNCERTAIN terms that, if I’m put in a situation to decide between my wife and my mum, my wife prevails. My parents GOT the message, and they agreed whole heartedly.

Of course, in reality, both sides exercise high levels of respect and sensitivity to each others.

As for my PIL, my wife knows my "principle". She may not be as "hard" as I’m to my parents, but she will also "shield" things from going beyond the line - which is not often.

So my point is, it’s always easier for the child to STAND UP against parents, than it’s for the spouse cos "blood is always thicker than water". How long can a parent be mad with his/her own children. Many a times, "mistakes" are made when the child concerned failed to do so.

Of course I must qualify that, it helps when we live on our own. I’m also very fortunate to have probably the best PIL in town. I enjoyed a tremendous relationship with my PIL so much so that I’m inspired by them, as to how they live and conduct their lives.

[Andaiz]

Eagle-Ladybird:

If I may put in my 2 cents worth:


I think it's important for the man in the family to stand firm on certain principles, and lead by example. Me and my wife went through Pre-Marital Classes, where topics of all kinds are dealt with, including managing In-Laws. Nothing new as we have heard many stories (pretty much like this thread), but it served as an awakening call in a more urgent manner.

My thoughts were, that I'll take the lead to lay ground rules for MY parents. I told my mum and dad that WE will live our lives the way we want it to be. They can \"voice\" their advise, and we will hear, but ultimately WE reserve the right to decide. And when they come to my house, the HOST dictates. And I told my mum with NO UNCERTAIN terms that, if I'm put in a situation to decide between my wife and my mum, my wife prevails. My parents GOT the message, and they agreed whole heartedly.

Of course, in reality, both sides exercise high levels of respect and sensitivity to each others.

As for my PIL, my wife knows my \"principle\". She may not be as \"hard\" as I'm to my parents, but she will also \"shield\" things from going beyond the line - which is not often.

So my point is, it's always easier for the child to STAND UP against parents, than it's for the spouse cos \"blood is always thicker than water\". How long can a parent be mad with his/her own children. Many a times, \"mistakes\" are made when the child concerned failed to do so.

Of course I must qualify that, it helps when we live on our own. I'm also very fortunate to have probably the best PIL in town. I enjoyed a tremendous relationship with my PIL so much so that I'm inspired by them, as to how they live and conduct their lives.

Good for you, Eagle Ladybird. We also went for such PMC - only thing there should be one to educate the PIL's too.

[Eagle-Ladybird]

Andaiz:

Good for you, Eagle Ladybird. We also went for such PMC - only thing there should be one to educate the PIL's too.

You're absolutely right. In fact, at the time when we're attending the session, they were planning to start a course for PIL-to-be, as they saw a need (must be) to do so. I thot that was great but I did not follow up . . . I guess my turn will be in 20 years (or more, hahaha)

[Andaiz]

Eagle-Ladybird:

Andaiz:

Good for you, Eagle Ladybird. We also went for such PMC - only thing there should be one to educate the PIL's too.

You're absolutely right. In fact, at the time when we're attending the session, they were planning to start a course for PIL-to-be, as they saw a need (must be) to do so. I thot that was great but I did not follow up . . . I guess my turn will be in 20 years (or more, hahaha)

:love: we just have to keep reminding ourselves when the time comes not to exasperate our Children and Children in law...mebbe we should start a KS-in-laws.com portal, eh?