In-law problems?

[coolit]

The Simz:

Coolit & MMM
I overheard my hub talking to my fil and he insist that I stay at his place though my hub already reject the offer for me. Now I'm so worried that he will turn up in e airport and have a game of tussle with my mum. Their house has a vacant room now cos they just sent my grand mil to an old folks home. The grand mil is also another terror!

Hi The Simz,

Maybe you could buy them some gift, give to them at the airport if they come
but stay firm, just say you have another place. You are not showing them
disrespect. You can thank them very nicely and show appreciation but since
you already made plans, you also cannot cancel.

[The Simz]

Chenonceau & Funz

Maybe you are right! Guess being a SAHM had robbed me off my courage and self esteem! I need to work!!!

Janet
Life isn’t fair, thats why all of us are gathered here to rant!

Coolit
Buy present? Good idea! Don’t know will i remember to pass it to them. Imagine the long flight with a tot and still have to control whatever emotions when I see them. So worried to face the whole clan, without my hubby, for a few weekends!

[Chenonceau]

In such situations, emotional control is very important. Mustn't let the other person get to you. People can be childish in how they try to get at you. But if you really think about it, there is really nothing worth fighting about. So, just ignore whatever is irritating but unimportant. Always stay very reasonable and logical, though frank and forthright. Most times, the truth hurts bad enough that how one says it should be very gentle. This way, over time, the in-laws learn that you will be as fair to them as you would like that they be fair to you. If you become emotional (because you're scared), you risk inflicting hurt on another and then the issue escalates.


Another trick I learnt is to raise the same issue repeatedly and gently to raise important issues. My in-laws are downgrading from a 5-room equivalent apartment to a 4-room equivalent apartment that I built for them within my own property. I did not think that they should bring their huge sofa set.

Everytime I raised the issue, she would tell me not to worry about it. From experience, I knew that she would go right ahead and bring her sofa, then find that it is too big, and then I would have to pay someone else to take it away. I raised the issue about 4 times before we successfully negotiated a good compromise. Raise the issue... back off. Raise the issue... back off. Raise the issue... back off.

This gives both parties the chance to cool off over a potentially contentious issue. It gives both parties a chance to think and to try and understand the other's perspective. This way, people don't get scared and overwrought and start digging stubbornly into their position. They're still willing to discuss. It turned out that mil wanted to move the sofa to give my sis-in-law a couch to sleep on when she comes back home for hols. So, I offered my own guest room, and all is now well. Phew!!

This said, I did throw a hissy fit once in 2 decades. It was a very memorable hissy fit, and I had every excuse to be angry. Mil had taken to whispering bad things about me to my kids. My kids kept telling me. I don't mind at all gossip about me by family and friends, but don't drag in the kids into adult politics. It was a hissy fit to remember. I refused to see or talk to her for weeks. When it all blew over, I noticed that she no longer tussled with me over my kids. I now own my kids. What I say concerning my kids' upbringing, goes.

If an issue is really important, I tend to push the limits of the relationships. Oft times, DIL are afraid of offending husband and in-laws etc... without realizing that things DO blow over, and if you choose your battles carefully (battles that defend a reasonable position) and win every one (BECAUSE they are reasonable and defendable) that you choose to fight, people will learn to leave you alone. I never allow myself to be provoked into a conflict (most things that happen in families are peanuts anyway). Some people will do that just to feel good. If I choose to engage, it is because I have a reasonable position that is defendable and fair to all parties. And there are also times when I apologise sincerely.

The right to choose where you spend the night is imminently defendable.

[mummyJune]

All along my mum look down on my husband. now she found another issue to look down on him & that is just because he doesnt have a licence & doesnt own a car. she even went around telling my relatives how inconvenient it is for us not to ve a car since we ve 2 young kids. sometimes when she wants to plan a dinner together, she always say aiya yr husband dun ve car, or else can go here/there eat.(my bro has a car , so wat?) i always reply i can take taxi wa, more convenient. sometimes even my aunties come & ask me y my husband doesnt want to learn driving. But when they ask & ask, i really dun want to reply them anymore. so irritating.

[janet88]

The Simz:

Janet

Life isn't fair, thats why all of us are gathered here to rant!

What to do ? The best thing to do is to avoid them...easier said than done but no choice. We need to keep our sanity.

[Funz]

I have over time adopted this stance. No need to argue with them, no need to be rude, no need to avoid them like a plague. Do my due diligence as a DIL, visit them, look after them when they are sick, celebrate their birthdays with them, let them totally dote on kiddos, accept whatever stuff they buy for us even if we don’t use them at all. When they nag or give well meaning advise that does not interfere with how I run things at home, just nod and say ok. I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the ‘in-between-the-lines’.


I think I am rather thick skinned loh. So I can ignore a lot of nonsense. And really after so many years, to a certain extent I can understand why they are the way they are.

It helps that DH is not that super duper close to them though he does at times feel a lot of guilt towards them and may over compensate during those times. We don’t live with them so that couple of hours here and there, doesn’t affect me that much anymore.

[sall]

mummyJune:

All along my mum look down on my husband. now she found another issue to look down on him & that is just because he doesnt have a licence & doesnt own a car. she even went around telling my relatives how inconvenient it is for us not to ve a car since we ve 2 young kids. sometimes when she wants to plan a dinner together, she always say aiya yr husband dun ve car, or else can go here/there eat.(my bro has a car , so wat?) i always reply i can take taxi wa, more convenient. sometimes even my aunties come & ask me y my husband doesnt want to learn driving. But when they ask & ask, i really dun want to reply them anymore. so irritating.

I can understand how you feel. Years ago, dh lost more than $100K because of some problems. Then my mum still kept asking me why we never get a car, buy a bigger house. See how insensitive she is. She wanted us to buy bigger house, get new car so she can brag to her relatives. :mad:

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the 'in-between-the-lines'.


I think I am rather thick skinned loh. So I can ignore a lot of nonsense. And really after so many years, to a certain extent I can understand why they are the way they are.

Nope... I dun think you are thick-skinned at all. I think you are a very wise and very strong woman. These same qualities make you an asset to your children and husband and eventually your in-laws. It takes a lot of wisdom to know how to prevail with dignity like the wife in Proverbs 31. It takes even more wisdom (and strength of character) to know when NOT to fight.

My in-laws have begun lately to appreciate me. We are the only ones in the immediate and extended family able to afford and willing to share our house with the elderly folks... and not just a room... but a completely self-sufficient apartment. Now, they begin to understand why I have been so difficult with sharing money in the past 20 years. If I had allowed them to bleed us dry (in successive waves of consumeristic behaviors), we would not have had the capital to invest, and we would not be able to afford the standard of living and attention we can give them today.

My in-laws also have begun to appreciate that my 2 kids are well brought up, emotionally stable and reasonably successful academically. Now, they also understand why I have been so stubborn when it came to my kids.

I am surprised at their turn about. I did not ask it, do not need it. My job is to do what I think is right in caring for them in their old age. Whether they understood or not was not important. But I must say that their recent turnabout is pleasant. Let's hope it lasts.

[MMM]

insider:

Funz:

I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the 'in-between-the-lines'.


I think I am rather thick skinned loh. So I can ignore a lot of nonsense. And really after so many years, to a certain extent I can understand why they are the way they are.

Funz,

this is a good stand to take towards in-laws if we cannot meet eye to eye with them. Don't harbour ill feelings and just take comments at face value. I ever shared in an earlier post about my father-in-law displayed huge disappointment when he first visited me in the hospital after I gave birth to my first child, about him shaking his head while looking at my new born and commented, \"Why is it not a son?\"

Comments like these hurt but it's OK coz they are just from different era as us and they don't really mean what they say and so it will be futile if one remembers such words at heart and bear grudges unncessarily...

PS: Somehow I have this thinking that many of our teenage kids also taking the same stance with us, on 'ignoring' our advice/words and just nod their heads when we say something that they do not agree just to avoid unpleasantness / disagreement. It's just a diplomatic surviving skill that they get to learn along the way, sort of as a 'conditioned behaviour'...

I tend to agree on this approach. I think that is the guiding principle on how I \"survived\" with staying with my pils for the last 12 years. I am the type who usually stay in my own room or kids' room coaching them when I am home. I don't really talk to my pils unless there are something to talk about. I am not the chatty type that will find topic to talk to them about. Mil's hearing is not too good, so must talk very loud to her.

I used to hear stuff that mil said to the maid behind my back. Which was subsequently related to my mum. Eg. spend $ on buying clothes for kids.... waste of $ etc... But it didn't draw much reaction from me... Anyway, I am using my own $ and not her son, so why bother. Just bochap as they belong to the super thrifty type.

I think we all believed in \"Jia He Wan Shi Xing\". I feel that being a dil, our attitude/ character plays a big part. Sometimes if you just close one eye, the world will be a much better place to live in. For those stuff i hear, I don't relate to my hubby or expect him to do something, etc... I just tell myself that just bochap. It didn't affect me.

My mil's sister and hubby used to stay with her son. Dil is very capable and pretty high level in some mnc and they stay in those 5 storey cluster house. So space was not really a issue though the rooms in such development are really tiny. But sometime this year, the couple came up with a \"excuse\" that they intend to sell the house and requested mil's sister and hubby to move to their daughter's house first. When they did that, iso selling the house, the couple actually took over the parents' room and expanded it for their kid. So the old folks ended up moving permanently to the daughter's house. Hubby and I talked about this, I personally feel that dil in this case has a role to play sometimes. It's their family affair but I felt that no doubt, they have \"gotten rid\" of their parents, the approach wasn't right. Imagine what happens if our kids did that to us? Fortunately for mil's sister, she is financially stable type.

[janet88]

Funz:

I have over time adopted this stance. No need to argue with them, no need to be rude, no need to avoid them like a plague. Do my due diligence as a DIL, visit them, look after them when they are sick, celebrate their birthdays with them, let them totally dote on kiddos, accept whatever stuff they buy for us even if we don't use them at all. When they nag or give well meaning advise that does not interfere with how I run things at home, just nod and say ok. I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the 'in-between-the-lines'.

For one thing, you are not thick skinned but very brave.
It takes a lot of patience, tolerance and skill to be like you. There's no way I can do it. I do not wish to argue with them because it's not respectful to do that. Neither do I want to be rude to them either.