In-law problems?
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CookiesMonster:
Maybe he thinks the sofa is strictly um... His property? He is trying to say \"tresspassers keep out\".my MIL is a hoarder aka karang guni.
she likes to collect stuff like plastic container that are used in food courts. this is ok except her stash can last a food stall to use for 3 months.
my FIL likes to turn sofa into hedgehog. will stick used toothpicks into crooks n crevices. unsuspecting guests will be poked at places where they least expected.
:evil:
Much as her quirks are my private joke, my MIL is very thoughtful, sometimes. She shows it by wrapping each and every item in zip lock. Imagine, individually packed clothes, water bottle, keys, toys etc for my son. And for my husband? Individually wrapped tonic. -
:lovesite: Wow.. i finally finished reading all the pages in this thread (in batches backtracking of cos, but 429pages took me a long while)!
It is interested to read the various experiences that other DIL have with their MIL. And also good advice from the forummers. Some of the scarier stories really made me feel like my own MIL isnt so bad even if some days in-laws issues make me so grump. But i think it is more myself than them at times.
My DH is a sort of typical SG guy and cares alot of his own parents/sister. I know sometimes he finds it difficult to balance our needs (him, me and DD) alongside the in-laws' when they come into conflict. Even if rationally i can understand that as the only son (he only have one younger sister), sometimes emotionally i find myself resenting my in-laws. The biggest point of contention with us is the fact that me, DH and DD lives overseas and for many reasons, i rather not go back to SG and bring DD up there BUT DH is adament that we will go back after he finished his studies here because his parents expects us to.
Actually, my PILs are simple folks. My FIL is generally okie and very independent. My SIL is very very nice and i really like her. She loves buying stuff for my DD and also help 'shield' me from my MIL sometimes. My MIL is not 'bad' but i guess maybe i come from a very different background, so i find it difficult to see/undst her POV. She is abit timid and i feel, insecure cos she grew up with domineering brothers. Until now her oldest bro (aka DH's uncle) still have a lot of say in my DH's family. My MIL is so scared of offending him that she will bend over backwards, including getting her kids (by extension, me) to do things to please the uncle. That uncle dont like me very much and before i even married into the family, gave me a 'talk' to say how as a wife i should be obedient to my DH and listen to him. Basically saying \"a rich girl marry into a poor man's family, must bend her head down to serve her husband family\" type things. I was so insulted!
While we were in SG, my DH is always so stress about doing all the things the uncle say we should do (mostly 'traditional' things which made no sense or actually my own PILs dont follow) because DH himself dont see the point and he knows i dont like BUT still have to do because he say if he dont try to follow, my MIL will have a hard time from her family and suffer from their gossips. He is also concerned that if I dont do what the uncle say, the uncle will go around making snide remarks about my MIL for not controlling the 'rich arrogant' DIL. I undst DH being protective of his mom but i am upset that our lives should be dictated by some people who really has not business controlling us... and yes, inwardly, i resent my MIL for being \"weak\".
At least now that we are not in SG, i dont have to deal with such things except during our yearly trip back then the uncle will pull DH aside and tell him shouldnt always listen to wife, must think about parents and about going back to SG. He always does it within my earshot so i guess it is really meant for me to listen though he dont ever talk to me already. Other times he will talk to my MIL in their hainanese dialect while looking at me and i see my MIL just meekly look embarrassed and look down. After that, my MIL will try to be 'tougher' with me but it doesnt work on me. I am not the quarrelsome type but if people give me sh*t, i just clam up and stop talking. So MIL also paiseh will just leave me alone.
Now i dread going back to SG. In Melb, i feel DD has a better childhood, my career has better work-life balance (i work part time, end work by 430 and still earn slightly more than SG) and recognition than back in SG and DH has the freedom to explore and commit to a research of his interest with no tuition fees instead of slogging from 630am till 7pm at MOE. Now life is slow and DH and I get devote alot of time with DD.
Next week my PILs are coming for a visit. I am abit stressed because i am sure MIL will start asking when my DH graduate (he is doing his PHD) and when we go back. MIL cannot undst how come we would prefer living in Melb instead of SG. Her ideal life for us, is what she sees her siblings' kids have.. i.e. have HDB flat, later upgrade condo, have a car, have kids let grandfolks (her) take care plus 1 maid while both parents working hard to save money. She was very sad when i told her that's not what me and DH wanted and even if in SG, i will want to take care of DD myself. Nothing against her per se but that's my own philosophy about parenting.
Sigh... :gloomy:
Ahh well.. didnt realised i wrote so much cos it started out rational (i dont hate my MIL) but guess the more i write, it got abit emo again.. :frustrated: -
Hi aurorin,
Life is definitely more blissful overseas…there is no rat race in school and your child is happier. Your MIL doesn’t live for herself…same old problem, she loves to compare like everyone else. Both husband and wife work, stay in nice apartment, buy a car, get a maid and better still, take them in.
They come from the same school of thought, ie the daughter in law should work, so their darling son wont have to support wife. Since both husband and wife work, that means MORE money to give her. -
Hi Janet,
Not to say life overseas always blissful but i feel happier here. Sometimes i feel like DH dont dare to feel happy or tell his folks he is happy cos he scare then his mom, grandma will be unhappy. You should see their faces when DH told them his Masters supervisor recommended him to go for PHD. First thing they say \"Must stay there longer ah? then when can come back\".. :roll:
I dont think MIL's problem is we not going to give her money (we still do but she dont ask, so its more like a token) cos my FIL still working full time. Her problem is emotional insecurity. And you are right, she wants me to work because she knows it will be a financial burden on DH if we were in SG and i ask to stay home with DD. Probably a degree of comparison too, esp with her siblings who are also grandparents so she feels she 'lost' out cos we dont ask her to take care of DD unlike what her sisters are doing or she feel like she cannot say much when her siblings tell her how well their children are doing in SG. Most imptly, she very scared that DH gave up a good job in SG to study overseas and will have no money after that. I guess it is the sporean pragmatism. Maybe she also dont feel as the wife, i shouldnt be more 'powerful' cos i am the one working now.
So even though between me and DH, we dont mind who 'bring in the bacon' etc (we are equal contributors to the family), DH gets stressed and irritable whenever his folks asked abt his studies and \"future plans\" constantly when they talk (i.e. $$$) but he wont tell them if he is unhappy with what they say.. he just quietly 'suffer' lor... Makes me sad for him.. And i always end up feeling like i am the evil DIL who takes their son away. But i learn to put that aside cos to me, only DH and DD most impt. I only wish DH can also feel less guilty that he put us as priority instead of suffering from indirect emotional blackmail. I told him if one day, his parents sick, need caring, we can do what we can to take care, bring them over or go back to SG more often, but my PIL both still fairly young and healthy (only early 60s) so why should we be made to feel guilty about wanting a better life for our next generation or ourselves?
Am i being too selfish?
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hi mummies, am i being petty here? pls read on.
last night when i went to my MIL place to fetch my kids, i noticed my daughter(13mths) hair is so short. i asked my mil iszit she brought my daughter for haircut. she said go downstairs cut, $10 so x hor. den ask me nice anot. i said Y cut so short, like boy. I was very unhappy to c my daughter’s hair cut until so short. BUT after awhile mil laughed & said FOC 1 la, is my SIL cut (her 2nd DIL). upon hearing that, my face went black & blood boiling. i never like my other SIL, worst, still go & cut hair for my daughter. i was so angry.
i feel that mil seems to be ‘testing’ my reaction. mayb she wants to see what will i say since previously she said bring my daughter downstairs for $10 haircut, den after that said is FOC haircut done by her 2nd DIL.
Unfortunately last night my hubby worked late & did not went up to my inlaws place. At home, i complaint to my hubby. He was very unhappy to see our daughter’s hair SO short like boy( i took pic) & even more unhappy to know is the 2nd SIL cut. we never like the 2nd SIL cos of many reasons. few days ago this SIL left some toys on the bed, never clear, den my son(3Y) went up the bed & stepped on the toys, slipped & fell & has a cut on his nose & cheek. when i saw him that night his nose was bleeding. mil said she scolded the DIL & she not happy, slam door & hide inside room.
Am i very petty abt the hair thingy? haiz, very angry so ve to rant here. -
I think as parents, especially as mothers, we will feel sad if our kids decide to live abroad and we do not get to see them as often as we would like. So can understand your MIL’s concerns about when you guys will be coming back. Even more so since she has only your DH and SIL.
And being asians, we are brought up with the men being the main breadwinner kind of culture. It is the norm for women to work these days but I will not agree for my son to depend on his wife nor my son-in-law to be depending on my dd to bring home the bacon. I will also prefer for DD to work rather then be totally dependant on her husband financially. I mean choice is ultimately hers but that will be my preference. -
June u are not being petty honestly is ur child ur say not theirs i will also not allow them to touch my girls hair moreover home cut by someone u dont like.
Even though i have divorced BUT i still see my mil time to time reason being current hub place is 2 blocks away from theirs, so sometimes may even meet in the market and just saw her earlier on she just asked me how the kids i told her 1 recovered from chicken pox my older boy and now the younger girl having it.
She told me to bring my girl to her house so as to pass the chicken pox to my youngest ex bil baby who is 9months old reason being now so young get it better cause they will not anyhow eat and easier to look after i do not know what logic is that but i of cause will not follow what she say i not so evil and then after that she put in her fav question got money give me a not i directly told her off i said go ask ur son and his new wife why asked me by right i should not even have to call you but because my dad said i should as no matter what u are the kids nainai but u must know i do not take a cent from ur son for my kids since 2007 so if u want money go ask him not me.
Then her face turn black as charcoal and she cursed my girl by saying i hope ur girl chicken pox many on the face then left alot scar so next time no one will want marry her as usual i just turn off my ears and walk away heng i moving out soon no need face them and hubbys bro soon cause both the same alot pattern one. -
Pris, really duno wats wrong with old folks nowadays. can even ask u to bring yr kid to her place to pass the virus to a 9mth baby. Crazy or not? 9mth baby is very young leh. does yr ex-mil ve brains anot. so evil like my mil also evil witch!
my mil even told me to put my daughter at the same childcare which her 2nd DIL 2kids are attending(is near her place). i told her no logic for me to put my daughter at another childcare because my son is currently at a childcare near my house & obviously i will also put my daughter there. den she keep quiet. so silly. which parent will separate their kids in different childcare. siao ar! so mad at her. -
aurorin:
Sounds like my husband. Before we got married, he explained that he wanted us to stay with his parents. I told him fine... let's break up. After some negotiation, we compromised. I said I would try my best, and if it didn't work out, he would allow us to move out.
My DH is a sort of typical SG guy and cares alot of his own parents/sister. I know sometimes he finds it difficult to balance our needs (him, me and DD) alongside the in-laws' when they come into conflict. Even if rationally i can understand that as the only son (he only have one younger sister), sometimes emotionally i find myself resenting my in-laws.aurorin:
I think you will have to let him win this one. However, nothing stops you from laying the foundation for moving back in future...The biggest point of contention with us is the fact that me, DH and DD lives overseas and for many reasons, i rather not go back to SG and bring DD up there BUT DH is adament that we will go back after he finished his studies here because his parents expects us to.
(1) Get the PR sorted out for the whole family. Tell hubby it's for future property investment and part of overal wealth management strategy. PRs can buy Australian property.
(2) Maintain a property there (or even TWO)
(3) Casually make some comment about Singapore's educational system and the pressures on the children... don't make it too obvious... just make comments about the high cost of living blah blah... newspapers always report such stuff. Just pick up and comment like talking about the weather. Once or twice a week.
(4) If you don't have money to buy a property now, come back here and save money to buy. PR can buy anything. So it makes sense to be PR.
(5) Move back here and let the stress in Singapore do the rest of the work of convincing your husband for you. If you have made a good foothold there, it will be tempting to move back there... and you don't even have to say a word. Your DH may also be open to the suggestion that his parents would have a better quality of life over there. So many people retire overseas. Singapore is only good for stress and to make money.
(6) It may make it easy to convince your in-laws to move there with you in time. This will take them away from that Uncle.
(7) MOST IMPORTANT, openly agree with him that it is the RIGHT thing to do to move back to Singapore. You need to take 1 step backwards to go 3 steps forwards.aurorin:
Don't sweat the small stuff. Give in wherever you can. Meanwhile, create a physical barrier (i.e., don't live together) so as to minimise the irritation that comes with petty habits that grate.Actually, my PILs are simple folks. My FIL is generally okie and very independent. My SIL is very very nice and i really like her. She loves buying stuff for my DD and also help 'shield' me from my MIL sometimes. My MIL is not 'bad' but i guess maybe i come from a very different background, so i find it difficult to see/undst her POV.
aurorin:
They all feel insecure. It doesn't matter got domineeering brother or not. Your face to your husband must be that of supportive wife. I agree that we must look after her and here is what I am doing to be a good DIL. Boil soup. Bring her to doctor. Blah... blah... blah...She is abit timid and i feel, insecure cos she grew up with domineering brothers.
aurorin:
You need your own counter propaganda machine that details the new age values. We now live in the 20th century. I am an educated woman. I hold a job and bring in the dough... keep my man alive so he can do his PhD. Women are no longer chattel. Even an educated girl from a poor family should not be expected to do this.Until now her oldest bro (aka DH's uncle) still have a lot of say in my DH's family. My MIL is so scared of offending him that she will bend over backwards, including getting her kids (by extension, me) to do things to please the uncle. That uncle dont like me very much and before i even married into the family, gave me a 'talk' to say how as a wife i should be obedient to my DH and listen to him. Basically saying \"a rich girl marry into a poor man's family, must bend her head down to serve her husband family\" type things. I was so insulted!
It is not my fault that my family is rich. Why marry me if you didn't want an educated woman who can supplement the family income, make wise investment decisions? I had this discussion with DH many many years ago. I told him point blank that I didn't intend to STAY married to someone who expected me to bend my head (become stupid and opinionless in deferring to him and is relatives completely) and live in poverty until I die. I told him that I was prepared to work hard WITH him... love him... support him, but I didn't intend to throw away all my years of education and become stupid to please his family so that everyone can live poor but happy.
My MIL once commented that things would be very different IF I had come from a poor family, and THEY had been rich. Oh well... too bad for them. Over the years, I was the prime mover in many property investment decisions. I bring wealth into the family. One day, when someone commented that I shouldn't buy a piano because I no longer earn as much as I used to, I turned around and reminded the person \"YOU make $XXXX and worked your whole life. I made 600K with ONE decision to buy a property. (Pssst... you make money on property at point of purchase, not point of sale). Now tell me again that I don't earn enough money, and cannot buy a piano?\"
It is the money that I make when I move to invest that helps give my in-laws their current standard of living. I didn't bring money from my parents. It was money that I made for us. My in-laws know that now... and they give me face.
Like it or not, even in families, money talks. It is likely that the Uncle has so much influence because he has been helping your DH's family out over the years. You can't fight that influence. You can only ignore it. For more than 10 years, I had to put up with comments like \"Has expensive taste\", \"Spends money freely\". I ignored all this completely. Told myself that I don't own branded stuff. That I cut my own hair. That I wear $3 bras. I know who I am and so I don't need to explain. I only ensured that I pointed all this out to DH so that he wouldn't believe such gossip about me.aurorin:
Same experience here. Same advice. Lower your head. Mind your own business. Know who you are. Keep your DH in the know of what kind of person you are... and IGNORE. Focus your efforts on improving your wealth, educating your children, keeping a cordial face towards all the relations no matter WHAT they say about you.While we were in SG, my DH is always so stress about doing all the things the uncle say we should do (mostly 'traditional' things which made no sense or actually my own PILs dont follow) because DH himself dont see the point and he knows i dont like BUT still have to do because he say if he dont try to follow, my MIL will have a hard time from her family and suffer from their gossips. He is also concerned that if I dont do what the uncle say, the uncle will go around making snide remarks about my MIL for not controlling the 'rich arrogant' DIL. I undst DH being protective of his mom but i am upset that our lives should be dictated by some people who really has not business controlling us... and yes, inwardly, i resent my MIL for being \"weak\".
Where possible, keep up a physical separation. Give in on all the petty issues. If they misbehave, and see you don't protest, they will either
(1) stop, because they think they've won
(2) OR misbehave more and more and more because they enjoy hurting you.
If the first, good for you. If the 2nd, you wait until the misbehavior escalates to a point that even your DH agrees that they've gone too far and that you had choices of other suitors, but still chose him... and he would be a bad husband for allowing such bullying to continue.aurorin:
Surprise this Uncle. Walk up to them and declare \"Yah! I keep telling him that we should move back here because MIL is old and needs company.\"At least now that we are not in SG, i dont have to deal with such things except during our yearly trip back then the uncle will pull DH aside and tell him shouldnt always listen to wife, must think about parents and about going back to SG. He always does it within my earshot so i guess it is really meant for me to listen though he dont ever talk to me already.
aurorin:
Good for you. Listen, smile, keep quiet. Then do what you wanna do.Other times he will talk to my MIL in their hainanese dialect while looking at me and i see my MIL just meekly look embarrassed and look down. After that, my MIL will try to be 'tougher' with me but it doesnt work on me. I am not the quarrelsome type but if people give me sh*t, i just clam up and stop talking. So MIL also paiseh will just leave me alone.
aurorin:
You have to lose this battle to win the war. You're bound to lose this battle anyway so you might as well be gracious about it.Now i dread going back to SG. In Melb, i feel DD has a better childhood, my career has better work-life balance (i work part time, end work by 430 and still earn slightly more than SG) and recognition than back in SG and DH has the freedom to explore and commit to a research of his interest with no tuition fees instead of slogging from 630am till 7pm at MOE. Now life is slow and DH and I get devote alot of time with DD.
aurorin:
No harm trying but still preparing the ground in Australia JUST IN CASE.Next week my PILs are coming for a visit. I am abit stressed because i am sure MIL will start asking when my DH graduate (he is doing his PHD) and when we go back. MIL cannot undst how come we would prefer living in Melb instead of SG. Her ideal life for us, is what she sees her siblings' kids have.. i.e. have HDB flat, later upgrade condo, have a car, have kids let grandfolks (her) take care plus 1 maid while both parents working hard to save money. She was very sad when i told her that's not what me and DH wanted and even if in SG, i will want to take care of DD myself. Nothing against her per se but that's my own philosophy about parenting.
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mummyJune:
No she no brains one cause from what i heard and the reason why i have never left my kids with her is because she ever wanted to throw my ex hub out of the window when he was only 2 months old cause she resented him for making her marry so young. And i heard this from my ex hubs god father cause he was the one who in the end brought him up and hes not married at all haha.Pris, really duno wats wrong with old folks nowadays. can even ask u to bring yr kid to her place to pass the virus to a 9mth baby. Crazy or not? 9mth baby is very young leh. does yr ex-mil ve brains anot. so evil like my mil also evil witch!
my mil even told me to put my daughter at the same childcare which her 2nd DIL 2kids are attending(is near her place). i told her no logic for me to put my daughter at another childcare because my son is currently at a childcare near my house & obviously i will also put my daughter there. den she keep quiet. so silly. which parent will separate their kids in different childcare. siao ar! so mad at her.
Actually there are evils mil and hor there also very evil DIL like my uncle wife who is younger then him by 14yrs they bully my ah ma like no business, just cause my uncle is doing very well in life the both of them have adopted a i am higher then everyone of u in the family attitude but my granny have ever once told the wife off when she made her so angry that shes a daughter from a pig farmer family no right to look down on anyone especially since my late mom was the one who supported my uncle studies in Toronto so without my late mom my uncle will be nothing and she kept quiet cause shes really a pig farmers daughter.
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