In-law problems?

[fifiyeo]

janet_lee88:

She treats those free bowls like treasure...asked her eldest daughter-in-law for cutlery from airlines bcos eldest son always travels for work :faint:


Couldn't be bothered with them now...what is there to talk about when she doesn't want to listen and keeps thinking she is right.

Emperor and Empress are never wrong. What happens to court officials and servants who defy them??!!...

Agree with you Janet, why bother!

[janet88]

fifiyeo:

janet_lee88:

She treats those free bowls like treasure...asked her eldest daughter-in-law for cutlery from airlines bcos eldest son always travels for work :faint:


Couldn't be bothered with them now...what is there to talk about when she doesn't want to listen and keeps thinking she is right.

Emperor and Empress are never wrong. What happens to court officials and servants who defy them??!!...

Agree with you Janet, why bother!

Hey, there is a proverb. The emperor doesn't find a matter urgent but the eunuchs do. So what if we are concerned the \"emperor and empress\" are not looking after their health, they themselves don't bother, so can we force them to listen ? That will become a crime.
What the heck, even my hubby who is favorite son constantly reminds them...but falls on deaf ears. Give up lah. :slapshead:

[qizai]

I haven’t logged in for 1 whole year, and this thread is still going strong!!


Looks like in-law problems are really pervasive…

[aurorin]

Cant help but wanna come in and \"vent\" again..


In-laws came on tuesday for a few days to visit and things have not been going well. Right from the start, the first thing i come back to when they arrive was my MIL brought with her one of those cloth/cotton thingy that she uses to tie around the tap (as filtration) and change my dish/hand towels.

What's up with that?? Maybe i am over protective over my 'turf' but is it abit impolite for someone else to come into your house and do \"home improvements\" the minute they land? And i dont know where she get that idea that water in Melb is dirty and need \"extra filtration\"? We have a filtration jar for drinking water cos my DH thinks we need filter before boiling to drink - now that i think of it, it makes total sense why he is abit anal about this, but actually tap water is just as safe as SG for drinking straight or after boiling.. GAH! :rant: And is that cloth thing so helpful? And there were nothing wrong or unclean about my towels! Grrr.. she did it the first time she was here two years ago (cos one of the towels had ink stain - it is clean! just cant get the stain out!) now she still have that impression that my towels are dirty? What's up with that?

Then we drove them out for dinner in the suburbs, at this new Malaysian place cos i know they dont like to eat ang moh food... along the way, my MIL was saying to my FIL how it is so far to get anywhere in Melb. It was only a 25mins drive! It takes alot longer for them to get anywhere in town from their place in Bt Panjang! And they dont even drive so its bus and MRT anywhere. My MIL use public transport to get to Geylang, her bro's place, and that takes at least 1hr + so i dunno why she picks on a 25mins drive! Go to the restuarant and when we ask for a round of water, cos the waitress say tap okie, she immediately tells us in Mandarin, tap water cannot drink cos its dirty. Luckily my DH just ignored and got a jar of tap water. Food came, even though it is good, she also have things to say. Say the portion so big so expensive, no wonder pple eat already will get fat easily (already in CNY, she told DH and me in our faces that we put on weight even though our weight still abt the same) so it was another dig at how 'unhealthy' and expensive this place is.

Wah liew... first day already like this... i ended up so pissed off i basically went into shut-down/ignore mode. And my DH still say i must go out to the living room to 'socialize'.. :stompfeet: 2nd day pretty much the same thing. Luckily i went back to work so avoided them the whole time until dinner. Only to hear more 'comments' about the weather (too cold, DD will be sick easily - which is rubbish, my DD grew up here and is used to the weather.. and she hardly ever falls sick, unlike DH's cousins' kids!), 'comments' about DD's school (how come dont make her nap, lack of 'teaching', no shower for them like SG's childcare, the food they eat). When DH explain how the meals are prepared and follows the national nutrition plan for children (they get the required serve of fruits,vegs,protein etc etc so for lunch, they can have chicken thai meatball with brown rice, corns, peas and cauliflower and a serve of fruits. Each day different menu, across 6 weeks and variety of cuisine!) so that there is no such things as sweets/chocs/sugar/high sodium/msg etc, you will think she got nothing bad to say about it right? Wrong! Cos she ask how many meals that get (breakfast/lunch/afternoon tea/light snacks for kids going home later than 5pm) and what do they have for afternoon tea, and her ears picked up when my DH said \"Biscuits\", she immediately say, \"oh.. like SG.. not that healthy also..\". She was thinking COOKIES but it is actually water crackers to be served with dips and veggie sticks! By then she already stop listening and my DH also cannot bother to explain already.

So basically, all i see is someone coming to \"visit\" but really it is come to find faults and pick apart our so-called \"Good\" life. To me, she is insecure and just serving her own agenda. DH on his part, i think being confronted by that, also dunno how to react. In large he was really trying to correct all her 'misconceptions' but i think it is useless cos the issue is not Melb per se.. it is that she wants to prove Melb not so good, SG better so no reason why we shd want to stay here. I think the more she see her son 'defending' Melb and me, the more insecure and threatened she feels. So now my DH becomes worried about his mom being insecure, start to ask me to 'tone' down any unhappiness i am feeling and now show it. And i wrote on my facebook that i dont like coming home and find changes in my house, he asked me to take off the status cos he is worried it will make his parents feel bad... (i didnt add his father on my friends list but SIL may see) but i refused, the only concession is i restricted viewing to my friends (exclude SIL and BIL) only. But why only care if they may feel bad? I feel like i am the victim here and i cant even complain.... :gloomy: I mean why cant they just come and visit and not pick on things and just try to enjoy themselves?? :rant:

I wish it's saturday and they will leave... and I wish i dont ever have to go back to SG and face them again... :sad: :sad:

[Chenonceau]

I will just quietly remove the cloth. MIL used to do that in my house. Improve this and improve that. I always put back. If questioned I say that I don’t like. In fact, the cloth at tap is worse. Over time, mould grows and you will be drinking fungus. MIL did the same to my tap and that was the explanation I provided.


Just quietly remove the cloth from the tap. Send a quiet message that this is your house and you decide. It’ll also make you feel better. Heh! That’ll prevent bigger issues of intrusion when you return home to Singapore. Meanwhile, bite your tongue and say nothing about all her negativity. Let HER irritate your husband.

Over time, after many tries… she’ll stop.

I don’t bother to quarrel with MIL but in practice, I ACT to make sure that things that are in my house are how I want them to be. If she says more, I’ll just say that even if no good, that is what I want. Nothing is perfect. I am not. What I want is not. But that’s the way I like it. This cuts arguing to a minimum. No one can argue with "I want."

[fifiyeo]

My ILs come over also the same. They can’t stand our place. Complain floor dirty must go get mop and mop right away. Complain cushions untidy must rearrange everything on sofa. Blah, blah, blah… now don’t talk much anymore so come over can see they just try their best to put up with us. DH say their house 10 times or more dirtier if they feel ours is dirty!

[Funz]

Just keep chanting to yourself. ' they mean well, they mean well, they mean well.' After that, chant to yourself 'they'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon, they'll be gone soon.'


Ok sorry, not laughing at your situation. I know how frustrating it can be. Just wondering why all PILs and even parents like to make home improvements to our homes base on what they like. But again really, that is what they think is good so it is because they mean well.

MIL did the same thing and started sneaking things into my house via DH or my maid. I do not have the habit of leaving food lying on the dining table so have no need for that umbrella food cover thingy but she had to buy like 2 and bring them over and told my maid to use them. We do not take condense milk with our beverages but she will buy like 6 cans and give them to us. I am very selective about the types of detergents I use, be it for clothes or floor as I am very very sensitive to smells. She had to pass some to my maid and told her to use. I ended up with migraine each time I went home as my maid mops everyday. Did not realise the cause until I was home when the maid was mopping, gosh the smell. Poor DH he had to deal with his mother's good intention and my irritation. When we started rejecting the stuff MIL gave, she made comments like yah lah the things I buy not good enough in your wife's eyes. You grew up with all these stuff also now they are not good enough for your kids. haiz.. In the end, I had to pull her aside and tell her we appreciate her good intentions and not that I do not find the things she gave good enough, but I am peculiar. Told her I am asthmatic so cannot anyhow use stuff and things like condense milk has too much sugar in them so we do not take them. We take fresh milk and turned it around and told her actually now that I know they take so much condense milk, I am concerned since she has high blood and FIL (who has since passed on) was diabetic. Showed her what kind of milk will be better for them. And guess what, she came the next time bearing 4 bottles of fresh milk, the brand that we drink. :faint:

Relax, relax. All these will be over soon. And good thing is your DH is on your side.

[aurorin]

Heheh thanks girls...


ya lor.. just keep chanting to myself.. like mantra like that.. and everynight go around 'undoing' things like little elf like that. So gui gui sui sui in my own house.. if its not happening to me, i would find it funny too. Esp when i caught myself sulking like a kid.. aiyooo.... dunno whether to laugh or cry.

Removed the cloth when i see it... after 2 days, it stayed off. I think she is abit insulted but i dont even bother to explain liao.. my DH still worry it will offend her but i dont go confront her with it, she also not 'brave' enough to ask me why the thing disappear to. Will only continue to have the small \"actions\" and \"commenting\". So dunno if her being timid in confronting me is a good thing or not, i guess if she dont say, i wont do what Funz do and go explain to her also. Cos i dont see why i need to justify what i wanna do in my own home unless pple come and challenge what i do. Like i say, its all those little actions that irks me.

BUt if she does ask, will remember what Chenonceau said about the cloth being worse cos of fungus! Wonder what she will say then.

Today will be an easier day ah.. cos DH booked them onto the great ocean road tour so will be back late. Me, DH and DD can have our usual dinner with no drama at home. :boogie:

fifiyeo: I feel your pain!

I know the old folks means well.. i just wish they respect boundaries also. But in my MIL case, she is really just trying to prove a point i think.. so in fact the \"better\" we say things are, the more she wanna poke holes in it. Thats why i feel cannot say much also. Then esp if my DH is the one saying how good things are, she look more sad and makes my DH feel so bad and guilty so now he turns around and say we should tone down while he go reassure his mother. Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.

[Funz]

aurorin:

Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.

Aiyoh, why are men like that? DH is also like that. Not wanting to say things outright and rather leave it to the other party to draw their own conclusion. And I thought men are more straight forward.

[Chenonceau]

aurorin:

So dunno if her being timid in confronting me is a good thing or not, i guess if she dont say, i wont do what Funz do and go explain to her also. Cos i dont see why i need to justify what i wanna do in my own home unless pple come and challenge what i do. Like i say, its all those little actions that irks me.

You're boss in your own home when you can do things and NOT have to explain. I explained until cows came home and in the end, I figured out that the best way to keep the engagement short (so that risks of offending her is less) is to humbly say \"I know you are wise with years. I know I do a lot of things wrong. But even if wrong, I still want it.\"

aurorin:

I know the old folks means well.. i just wish they respect boundaries also. But in my MIL case, she is really just trying to prove a point i think.. so in fact the \"better\" we say things are, the more she wanna poke holes in it.

Let her talk lor... one ear in... the other out... smile and ignore. Nod and listen. It makes her feel reassured just to say it. What you do about later it is another matter. My DH is an introvert. He played his part by nodding and smiling. Then we do what WE think we wanna do. I don't think he ever bothered to explain or to try and gain his Mom's approval because to him, it is \"waste breath\". We were doing things so different from what his Mom was used to doing that there was no way she would have understood enough to approve.

DH was the one who modeled for me \"Smile and ignore. Do what I think best for the whole family including MIL.\"

aurorin:

Thats why i feel cannot say much also. Then esp if my DH is the one saying how good things are, she look more sad and makes my DH feel so bad and guilty so now he turns around and say we should tone down while he go reassure his mother. Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.

Stall them? Smile, nod and look pleasant. No need to say anything. So far it's just hint-hint-hint. Pretend not to get the hints? If asked point blank then say, \"We are seriously thinking about it.\"... which is true. The matter is still under consideration no?

As long as you don't change things in my house, mess with my financials, tell me what to wear, where to cut my hair, and interfere with my kids upbringing, I can smile and ignore everything else. Those were/are my boundaries and I enforce these boundaries. These boundaries are so reasonable that I had no trouble enforcing. I moved my soy sauce back where I wanted it... my sofa back where it was... I told her that I don't like my kids to eat this or that. These things are easy to say and they can't really argue with a Mother's right to enforce.

They just try their luck and once they realize you are clear where your boundaries are and are serious and consistent about enforcing these boundaries firmly and politely, they will learn to respect those boundaries too.