In-law problems?

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

aurorin:

Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.

Aiyoh, why are men like that? DH is also like that. Not wanting to say things outright and rather leave it to the other party to draw their own conclusion. And I thought men are more straight forward.

Kekekekeke! But that's how men communicate. Many things are understood. Men don't like to talk things out. With guys they like... they have that sense of camaraderie or understanding that makes communication \"unnecessary\". I find it strange, but that's how men are... I noticed. That's why men don't confide in men as much as women confide in women.

After a while, I noticed that DH's way of not communicating with words but showing our determination through small actions... WORKED. His Mom now largely leaves me alone and we live in the same house with a dual key system. She has her own kitchen and entrance.

[fifiyeo]

Funz:

Ok sorry, not laughing at your situation. I know how frustrating it can be. Just wondering why all PILs and even parents like to make home improvements to our homes base on what they like. But again really, that is what they think is good so it is because they mean well.

mom doesn't come over and pick on us. She say I'm already very fussy so nothing to pick on.

At least some of your ILs when they are picky, they do the \"upgrading of system\" for you. Mine will stand there and be \"Indian Chief\" giving instructions, point here and there, and you do it.

[Funz]

fifiyeo:

mom doesn't come over and pick on us. She say I'm already very fussy so nothing to pick on.

At least some of your ILs when they are picky, they do the \"upgrading of system\" for you. Mine will stand there and be \"Indian Chief\" giving instructions, point here and there, and you do it.

started out Indian Chief oso lah. But kenna ignored so she promoted herself to Executive Indian Chief and start executing her own improvement plans in our house loh

[auntieM]

Funz:

fifiyeo:

mom doesn't come over and pick on us. She say I'm already very fussy so nothing to pick on.

At least some of your ILs when they are picky, they do the \"upgrading of system\" for you. Mine will stand there and be \"Indian Chief\" giving instructions, point here and there, and you do it.

started out Indian Chief oso lah. But kenna ignored so she promoted herself to Executive Indian Chief and start executing her own improvement plans in our house loh

:rotflmao: ...Epic Indian Chief ..

[janet88]

My standard is not too bad…at least I am not a hoarder. If I have Indian chief here, she will tell the whole world what I dumped.

[aurorin]

Chenonceau:

aurorin:

So dunno if her being timid in confronting me is a good thing or not, i guess if she dont say, i wont do what Funz do and go explain to her also. Cos i dont see why i need to justify what i wanna do in my own home unless pple come and challenge what i do. Like i say, its all those little actions that irks me.

You're boss in your own home when you can do things and NOT have to explain. I explained until cows came home and in the end, I figured out that the best way to keep the engagement short (so that risks of offending her is less) is to humbly say \"I know you are wise with years. I know I do a lot of things wrong. But even if wrong, I still want it.\"

aurorin:

I know the old folks means well.. i just wish they respect boundaries also. But in my MIL case, she is really just trying to prove a point i think.. so in fact the \"better\" we say things are, the more she wanna poke holes in it.

Let her talk lor... one ear in... the other out... smile and ignore. Nod and listen. It makes her feel reassured just to say it. What you do about later it is another matter. My DH is an introvert. He played his part by nodding and smiling. Then we do what WE think we wanna do. I don't think he ever bothered to explain or to try and gain his Mom's approval because to him, it is \"waste breath\". We were doing things so different from what his Mom was used to doing that there was no way she would have understood enough to approve.

DH was the one who modeled for me \"Smile and ignore. Do what I think best for the whole family including MIL.\"

aurorin:

Thats why i feel cannot say much also. Then esp if my DH is the one saying how good things are, she look more sad and makes my DH feel so bad and guilty so now he turns around and say we should tone down while he go reassure his mother. Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.

Stall them? Smile, nod and look pleasant. No need to say anything. So far it's just hint-hint-hint. Pretend not to get the hints? If asked point blank then say, \"We are seriously thinking about it.\"... which is true. The matter is still under consideration no?

As long as you don't change things in my house, mess with my financials, tell me what to wear, where to cut my hair, and interfere with my kids upbringing, I can smile and ignore everything else. Those were/are my boundaries and I enforce these boundaries. These boundaries are so reasonable that I had no trouble enforcing. I moved my soy sauce back where I wanted it... my sofa back where it was... I told her that I don't like my kids to eat this or that. These things are easy to say and they can't really argue with a Mother's right to enforce.

They just try their luck and once they realize you are clear where your boundaries are and are serious and consistent about enforcing these boundaries firmly and politely, they will learn to respect those boundaries too.

I totally agree on the boundaries part. Like defending borders, you let pple cross it, just opening a floodgate for further incursion into your space.

Smile and ignore is abit tough for me. Ignore easy.. smile harder.. :rotflmao: My DH not like yours... he smile easy.. ignore difficult. Hahaha! So that's why things affects him quite a lot, esp when family dont see eye to eye. He always like to be fair and wants everyone to be happy. Sweet guy but sometimes means it is hard for him to put his feet down when necessary cos he dont want to hurt pple's feeling. :roll:

[aurorin]

Funz:

aurorin:

Last nite we spoke about why she is behaving like this, and DH say he knows and he say the best thing we can do is for him to continue to reassure her he will go back but dont give her a time-line when that will happen (i am abit unsure abt this approach cos either 1) we are creating a false impression or 2) we need to uproot DD at the last min). Or he tells them he will go back as planned but me and DD stay on.

Aiyoh, why are men like that? DH is also like that. Not wanting to say things outright and rather leave it to the other party to draw their own conclusion. And I thought men are more straight forward.

Maybe cos they dont want to be responsible for making other pple feel bad? Dont want to be 'burden' by the emotional upheaval. Less confronting.. more avoidance... I think my DH is like tt...

[aurorin]

janet_lee88:

My standard is not too bad..at least I am not a hoarder. If I have Indian chief here, she will tell the whole world what I dumped.

So you have an Indian Chief with a loud hailer? Hmm or do Indian Chief use big fire/blanket and lotsa smoke signal.. need to tell the whole world will involve probably burning down the whole forest! :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[aurorin]

fifiyeo:

At least some of your ILs when they are picky, they do the \"upgrading of system\" for you. Mine will stand there and be \"Indian Chief\" giving instructions, point here and there, and you do it.

Can ignore or dont do? I mean... unless its their house, why should they go and decide for other pple what to do or change? Even if they mean well, the most they can 'suggest'.. but i think giving instructions or worse, butting their heads in and literally going to change my home is really crossing the line. Anything should at least ask me (the owner) first and if i am agreeable then okie, i will do it if the suggestions make sense. If not i dont need to justify why i dont want to change things.I certainly wouldnt go to my ILs' place and pick on what they have cos its their rights. If things need changing cos old/broken, we will still get their agreement first before helping them buy. I think that's respecting people's rights and it should go both ways.

[Chenonceau]

aurorin:

Smile and ignore is abit tough for me. Ignore easy.. smile harder.. :rotflmao:

Smile sincerely is difficult... :hi5: But smile got different types.

A polite and distracted smile with a slight nod... and a hint of mystery, can communicate a very loud \"No!\" (especially if you back it up with the exact opposite action she suggested)... And since you only smiled and nodded without SAYING anything, this gives her no chance to take offence or to mis-interpret your words.

Usually, when I start smiling, she stops talking. It took a few years to achieve this though...