In-law problems?

[Canvas]

Imami:

When we were looking for our first home, we decided we would get a flat in hubby's neighbourhood (instead of mine, he lived in t payoh and I lived in the west). We got a flat a distance away (short walk 5min) but pil's unit can see our unit. During the first few years after I shifted in for good, within 5min the lights went up in my unit, hubby's phone will ring. It will be mil most of the time - asking want to go dinner outside, or \"I cook xxx, u want to come and eat?\" or we are watching movie aaa now, you want to come and join us?\" when I purposely left the toilet light on because I was all alone at home, sil would SMS and remind me that I had forgotten to off the light.


It was very irritating. It came a point when it strained our relationship because I would insist that hubby's folks were watching us. Haiz.....

I only have one son. I hope I don't become like that next time (but my hubby is not the only child la).....

That must have been so stressful!

[Nebbermind]

Imami:

When we were looking for our first home, we decided we would get a flat in hubby's neighbourhood (instead of mine, he lived in t payoh and I lived in the west). We got a flat a distance away (short walk 5min) but pil's unit can see our unit. During the first few years after I shifted in for good, within 5min the lights went up in my unit, hubby's phone will ring. It will be mil most of the time - asking want to go dinner outside, or \"I cook xxx, u want to come and eat?\" or we are watching movie aaa now, you want to come and join us?\" when I purposely left the toilet light on because I was all alone at home, sil would SMS and remind me that I had forgotten to off the light.


It was very irritating. It came a point when it strained our relationship because I would insist that hubby's folks were watching us. Haiz.....

I only have one son. I hope I don't become like that next time (but my hubby is not the only child la).....

More like STALKING you!!

[Canvas]

I think the son/husband has to take charge because generally DILs have no say.


Part 1:
I was with someone else for many years since I was 17 and he had 4 older sisters. Those were fine but their mother was :censored: I was young and naive plus parents died early so did not have advises from experienced people. I really suffered hell those years! That lady would call my home at 2am waking my family up just to get me to page for her son to go home (he went Kopi session with his buddies). Best is she warned me never to reveal that she instructed me to call her son. We later got to the stage where we were thinking of applying for hdb flat. Those days \"policemen still wore shorts\" applied for flat needed birth cert so he asked from his mother.( That lady kept all her adult children's birth cents and passports :siao: ) guess what happened? She \"agreed\" but later called my home and warned me never to try to apply for a flat because I had to move in with her, like it or not. Again, she warned me never to tell her son. I cried and cried a lot in those years. Her good son never stood up for me.

[Canvas]

Part 2:


My DH is a different case. He too has many sisters, 5. But my MIL is a very simple woman who is gentle and doesn't talk much. She is uneducated but is graceful in her simple ways. Never gossips, never stirs shit. I noticed that the main reason is that DH is not the youngest (the ex was) and he was independent and responsible from young and receives a lot more respect from his family. That makes me feel safe. After experiencing \"hell\", I really appreciate my MIL. We get along very well, our home is 5 minutes' drive away and we visit her every Sunday. Compared to my first case, my current life is like Heaven.

I wish all of you the best in your relationship with your in laws. :snuggles: I used to think that the son/husband would be in a spot being in the middle but the fact is, he can change the situation by making a stand if things turn ugly.

[janet88]

Mine here also really classic.


There was one CNY she quarrelled with son…all the drama like crying and drinking herself silly, told ALL of us not to tell that son his mother is upset. So, we all kept quiet lor…actually she wanted that son to know, so when we 乖乖 kept quiet, she called that son to tell him she is very mad with him.

She wanted hubby to give him a set of keys to our flat. I said NO…if she wants to talk to her precious son, call his mobile.

[Canvas]

janet_lee88:

Mine here also really classic.


There was one CNY she quarrelled with son...all the drama like crying and drinking herself silly, told ALL of us not to tell that son his mother is upset. So, we all kept quiet lor...actually she wanted that son to know, so when we 乖乖 kept quiet, she called that son to tell him she is very mad with him.

She wanted hubby to give him a set of keys to our flat. I said NO...if she wants to talk to her precious son, call his mobile.

Sigh. :snuggles: Good thing you said No. Your MIL makes me shudder because she makes me think of the ex's mother.

[Funz]

vinegar:

Funz:

MIL called DH a few times daily when we were first married. She kept getting DH to go back to her home using excuses like she packed a box of his stuff, or she cooked smthg for him, ask him to pick up on his way back from work. And when he was there, she would ask him to run some errands with her and since need to run errand, might as well have dinner since it is already dinner time. And DH kept getting sucked into this trap time and again cos if he were to tell her cannot make it, she would start laying the guilt trip on him.


All these really got to me especially after a bad wedding experience where relatives of his wanted to make sure that I know my 'place'.

Over the years, I 'opened my eyes' and kinda realise why MIL behaves the way she does. And when that happened, I was less agitated when stuff happen and DH was happier and eventually, MIL's 'eyes opened' too and she realised that I am not exactly the overbearing tyrannical DIL that she made me out to be.

Same le.My MIL also creates lots of funny excuses to get my DH goes home such as borrow screwdriver,ask my DH to buy ice cubes,etc....And she wanna it,my DH has to do it NOW. :imdrowning:

how u made ur MIL eyes opened? :lightrod:

I did not make her open her eyes lah. She could see for herself that I am not that horrible. I just did what a typical DIL should do. MIL always thought I do not welcome them to our house. What I do not like is them turning up unannounced. But when both MIL and FIL had surgeries(at different times), I was the one who opened our doors, brought them home and nursed them back to health. Before I came into the picture, there was no mother's day or father's day or even birthday celebration done for them.

My situation is different from yours. DH is not a mummy's boy. He was in fact in a hurry to move out and will avoid meeting up with his parents. His relationship with his father was pretty bad and with his mum, one ruled by guilt. One of the reason MIL thought our absence after DH and I were married was my doing, when it was DH's choice not to go home. That I blame DH. Though he did not use me as an excuse, he did not correct MIL's misconception either. And MIL was being a typical mum. Which mother would believe anything bad about her own son.

I also realised that a lot of the issues with PILs especially over money was also because of DH's inability to manage the situation. FIL was a gambler and spender so MIL was super insecure about finances and DH was :frustrated: with FIL asking for money to clear debts and at the same time MIL will forever be calling DH telling him she has no money for daily necessities when in actual fact, her salary was squirrelled away in her own account. I worked it out with DH though it took a few years of subtle manouvering before DH agreed that my suggestions really eased a lot of conflicts.

In the earlier years, I keep reminding myself, we are not living together so I can afford to be more patient and understanding. Whatever irritations, they are just for that few hours, when we get back to our own home, leave those outside, do not bring it into the house for there is no place in our home for that. My PILs will not be the ones feeling the repercussions of my displeasure towards them but DH and my kids will be the ones feeling it.

But I do suggest that you sit down and have a long talk with your DH about your situation. Both of you need to figure out a way for your DH to manage his mother better.

[janet88]

Canvas:

janet_lee88:

She wanted hubby to give him a set of keys to our flat. I said NO...if she wants to talk to her precious son, call his mobile.

Sigh. :snuggles: Good thing you said No. Your MIL makes me shudder because she makes me think of the ex's mother.

asked hubby why she wants keys to our place...no way...i do not want to have heart attack or high blood pressure if she walks in, uninvited...especially if i am not working.

[vinegar]

Funz,

Exactly! strongly agree wf u.I felt uncomfortable that she turns up unannounced.

My DH has been avoiding the topic…we were ok for past 6months till CNY,coz of some misunderstanding.I could feel that my DH couldn’t stand the stress fr. his mum.He is also avoiding her calls.Yet,he has no choice to pick the phone coz as i said,she’ll call until he picks u.
We’ve had long discussion b4 but no conclusion.It was the "white paper" parliment kinda discussion,at the end,we still hv to accept 6.9mil population,as our case,i’ve to accept my MIL’s character.

DH asked me not to base on the past "statistics" n make judgment.But how not to?since knowing her character is like that.She always stirs up prob esp.when we r busy.She gave us prob when we just got married,just gave birth,children started school…etc…Though i am the one who feeds her attn,my DH distraction n unhappiness somehow cause the strain in our r/s.My kid could feel that.

[vinegar]

over the past yrs,we’ve to make excuses when we can’t fulfill their attn.


His SIL also create tons of troubles for us.DH dread of doing bk coz SIL likes to talk nonsense.My kids hate to go bk coz his SIL likes to boss ard,order my kid to pass her phone to her,whereas she has two boys but nvr ask them to do.

Similiarly,my DH was also the one who hurry to get out of his home coz he felt constantly "caged" by his mum n pestered by his SIL. He always complained that his SIL constantly banged into his room n ordered him ard.