In-law problems?

[carilyn]

Early onset plus the very severe stage is totally unmanageable. Mil has very early onset and at her age of 60 plus she is very strong. Her functional abilities is almost all gone. She cannot shower herself, cannot dress herself, toileting is a big problem and she is incontinence. She cannot swallow her food properly, can forget how to walk in the middle of a busy street. The world is totally strange to her so she is understandable terribly scared and suspicious. So she barely sleeps. So she became overly active in the middle of the night. Bring every single thing she can find to her room(initially even kettles, pots and flower pots - now we make sure we locked everything up in cabinet before we sleep) and on stoves…practically anything and everything dangerous. But yet she is still very violent both verbally and physically. She would suddenly start yelling and cursing us in the middle of the night or walk and fall. Yes, it’s such a terrible disease. A friend got 2 maids to look after her mother who has FTD - the violent form of dementi my mil has. One maid looks after her and the other to help the maid. The maid looking after her mum was so patient, so caring but her mum kept saying she hit her. Of coz many dementia patients hallucinates and most of the time does not tell the truth. They are not lying…just that they did not know it’s their own imagination. But one day she suddenly decides to install a CCTV and to her horror, the maid hit her wheelchair bound mum several times a day and instead of taking care of her, would just chat on her phone and barely feeds her. My friend was so upset she did not trust her mum but on the other hand, her mum is so violent that even she herself cannot handle her. So in the end she warns the maid and I guess things slightly improve when the maid knew she would be monitored. This is not the only case of maid abuse in dementia patients. Even family members who understand the illness fully can get so frustrated over the situation not to say someone unrelated…not that I think the maid is right…she was very well paid and my friend even buys her jewelleries and expensive stuffs initially for taking care of her difficult mum. So I guess if we hire a maid, either she will abuse mil or murder her or the other way round given that my mil is still strong despite losing her daily functional abilities ( even walking - not thy she can’t walk…she just forget how to walk)

[janet88]

Mine here no better. Skimped and saved all the money given by kids to smoke…kids dared not ask how she uses the money bcos she will question in fury why they do so. The one who gives the most dares not ask, not to mention those who give lesser. There is nothing in the flat…like hand soap, fridge is bare. She is limping and FIL can go blank suddenly. But they refuse to eat proper meals…2 people sharing 1 box of economy rice. Any health problems if discovered will become a sticky issue.

[Imami]

BeContented:

Laura02:

I am a FTWM and my MIL stays with us. My PIL have dementia. They used to stay in their hse with 1 maid looking after them, but she went home and the subsequent maids could not cope. So MIL came to stay and my maid looks after her.

Life with someone with dementia can be quite a challenge. PIL have stayed with us on and off these past 10 yr, but her dementia had worsened badly. One morning not long after she first came, I found her squatting in the corner of the hall pulling at the papers we had left in that corner. At first I was puzzled because she does not read, then my maid walk in, exclaimed, and pulled her up. Then I saw the turd on the floor :yikes:
My maid is very good with MIL. Now we have gotten MIL used to wearing adult diapers. Every morning, we sit her on the loo. She's really like a toddler. She \"talks\" to people in the TV. All her food is puréed, and sometimes someone has to feed her.
Early in my marriage, I had the usual ups and downs in my relationship with my MIL. But I'd chosen not keep the 'downs' in heart, and now can hardly remember unpleasant incidences. Which, actually, I regret doing when I quarrel with my dh, cos he always remembers unpleasant incidences with my parents. So I can't bring up counter arguments.
I am thankful the my maid has agreed to renew her contract and will be with us for a couple more years. The house is more untidy, corners are dirty, pots and pans are no longer shining since MIL came to stay ... but I am content with the way things are.

Indeed, life with dementia people is very very challenging. For your MIL, do you know which stage she is in? Mild/Moderate/Severe?.

I went through all 3 stages and each stage brought about a different set of challenges......and it got worse when the patient was uncooperative or even violent. While FIL wasn't violent to us nor would he yell at us, he would react to MIL badly. Sometimes, there were struggling and fights too :sick: Quite daunting. There are soooo many frustrations as FIL would pull his diaper off and go round house with dripping wet shorts or even lay on bed, too impatient to finish his biz in toilet & poo in shorts/bermudas barely 3 mins after he's out, smeared at toilet and even along corridoor (cos' on his hands), smoke & flip the half-cigarette out of windows, struggled with whoever cos' he wanted sweet stuff in fridge (diabetics), refused to spit his saliva/phlegm into containers and instead spit into hand and flick....all over. I think my house smelled like a hospital during that period (I was disinfecting with Dettol frequently). And as their body function deteriorate, feeding became difficult too.....it may come to a point when they will not be able to swallow by themselves and need drips.

Oh one more thing you might want to take note....
Maid may behave differently in our presence. At the later stage, we hired a maid to help. Initially she seemed very kind and took good care of FIL.....however when FIL stopped talking & became weak, she started treating him harshly behind our back. I noticed the change in how my FIL looked at her and spied. After that, I tried to be present during all the carrying/moving FIL, bring to toilet, feeding etc to minimise the harsh handling.

Having been through, I know how tough it can get. But it was really a 'learning' experience for my family. You take care.

:udawoman: you ladies are truly great!

[Laura02]

Hmm… maybe we should start a thread on caring for parents or PIL with dementia.


Thanks for the stories BeContented and Carilyn! Somehow, it’s good to exchange stories about caring for elderly with dementia.

My PIL now have severe dementia. They used to stay on their own without a maid, and after a while we started to notice that they weren’t eating regular meals, weren’t bathing regularly (though they claimed to bath everyday), and they slowly became more and more forgetful.

Then we got them a maid who was tasked with making sure that they were fed, bathed etc …

Then the maid left, and I think this is the point when they slipped into severe dementia.

Both MIL and FIL are sometimes violent. MIL tends to slap, pinch and poke, sometimes with incredible strength and force, given that she is somewhat frail. Everyone in the family, including my dc, have learnt to dodge her when her hands start to fly.

We try to keep to a routine as far as possible. Sometimes, dh or I go home at unexpected times, and sometimes one or other of my dh’s family drop by. My in laws have commented that the maid seems to be quite fond of grandma and does not take advantage of the situation … So I dont complain of less that spotlessly clean floors, bowls that seem to be slowly yellowing, pots that have an increasingly thick layer of grime … till CNY comes I go into a frenzy of spring cleaning and attack those pots and plates …

[KSmom8]

:salute: to all DILs who care for their elderly PILs.


When FIL had dementia, noticed that MIL and SIL didn't have that patience to care for him. There's was a lot of scolding etc. I believe it drained them to care for him and clean up after him. I empathize with them. It was difficult and tough.

My grandmother had a fantastic maid who cared for her when she had dementia. Grandma wasn't physically violent but would scold. However, the maid was not always left alone with her for long periods of time. My auntie worked part-time and grand aunties would pop by from overseas to stay for some time. I think it's tiring physically and emotionally to care for a dementia patient full time and all the time. They didn't want to risk the caregiver taking it out on the patient.

[carilyn]

Becoz of mil, I have read up and attended workshops on dementia. For those who need information on the illness, I would gladly share whatever information I have.

[AdonciaTang]

carilyn:

Becoz of mil, I have read up and attended workshops on dementia. For those who need information on the illness, I would gladly share whatever information I have.

Thats very nice of you.

[Laura02]

Hi carylin,


Recently MIL has started to spit out her medication. She refuses to swallow her pills, and spits out her meds that we crush into powder and mix with water. She has also gotten more violent, perhaps because she doesn’t take her medications. Do you have any suggestions on how to get her to take her medications? And no, we do not particularly want to hospitalise her and put her on a drip. She’s on medication for dementia and mood control.

Taking care of a dementia patient is like looking after a toddler. She was fine with taking medications until recently.

[SAHM Chew]

I had a maid when my DS1 was born. Had it for a short period as PIL do not like any stranger to live in… After that, for the last 9 yrs +, I had to survive without the maid and take everything upon myself. I am fine with that, if I am not staying with my PIL, Sil. But to stay with them and they refused to help out really make the matter worst. The worst is our differences. I grew up in a family of saver, which my dad is a extreme saver. Reason being that my mum passed away when I am still young and dad had to raise 3 kids on his own.

My PIL is the opposite. They are the extreme spenders in my opinion. Same with my DH and SIL. They waste water, electricity like nobody’s business.
Since I stayed with everyone, and everyone is a spender, it really make me frustrated.
DH do not understand, or rather, he does not care.

[carilyn]

Laura02:

There’s various way to try:
You can add the crushed medicine to the food or liquid she takes. Some patients may still refuse if the medicine tastes bitter, so add to a sweeter flavored or heavier taste food. Most dementia patients would have lost the taste of food once they progress to certain stage, but many "based" the taste on memory. So if you can add to the food they like, higher rate of success.
You can also try not to crushed the medicine but give her the whole tablet and tell her it’s for her flu or cold. I know we shouldn’t lie, but on and off there is really no choice. But make sure she has not lost the ability to swallow if you use this method. Again, in advance stage, most patients lost the ability to eat…yes, eating has to be learnt…we teach babies and little children to chew food…the dementia patients goes backward…they forget.
If both ways fail, let the doctor knows. They may have some other forms of medicine. Also, the refusal may indicate hallucinations esp suspicion that the medicines are poison and someone (yes, the suspect the closest kin too) is out to harm them. The doctor may need to start here on medicine to help control the hallucination part.
The violent part- talk to the doctor to see if he has to change the medicine. There are medicine to make them more calm. We went thru many different "cocktails" of medicine before we find the right mix. Some doctors are unwilling to prescribe certain medicine or increase dosage becoz of the side effects, but the family has to decide whether quality or quantity of life is more important. My mil had increase in dosage as she was so suspicious and violent that she is practically in living hell every day. She was so confused and scared so her only way to express was thru violence. We are at wit’s end but the increase calm her down so much that she was so much more peaceful. After a few mths, the doctor cuts down her dosage and for a while she was still peaceful. But the whole process repeat.
Sending her to hospital is not a solution. The hospitals staffs are not trained to handle dementia patients and many a times it add more stress and confusion to the patients.