Talking about Death ...

[concern2]

MadScientist:

Dear insider,
Am very sorry to learn of what happened to you father. It is heart wrenching and not an easy time.

Yes..*sob..sob..*

DH likes to talk about death cos he likes to stress how important it is for the kids to learn independence. It often make the kids and I would tho :rant: at DH. Other than that, they're just too small to talk about the details to..I think.

[daisyt]

I am against children using their own religion belief for their parents’s funeral. So i have been telling my child what type I want. If due to the children religion and their insist, I rather not to have any. Just cremenate and throw ashes in sea. I feel very sad to see children not holding joss stick in their parent’s funeral due to their religion belief.


We have been talking about death to my child since upper primary. We want her to know, death is unavoidable and she needs to learn to be independent as we cannot be around with her forever.

Insider, i have a friend who did the same decision for his only sibling, when he was only early 30s. He has been feeling bad and he did not let his mum know on this issue. It is not easy …

[concern2]

daisyt:

I feel very sad to see children not holding joss stick in their parent's funeral due to their religion belief.

I agree with you on this, daisyt. To us, it is a form of respect for the deceased. However, many who do not want to hold the joss sticks think otherwise. I am very surprised that foreigners who also have a different religion are willing to hold the joss sticks for the deceased, if not, to just put their palms together to show respect at the funeral. It is especially sad and disappointing when it is close relatives who refuse to do these things because of different religious beliefs.

[Strparent]

insider:

It was just so painful to see him suffering.

I still recall his last moments now and then, a memory that is difficult to shake off.

The image of an once-so-strong and handsome man turned into such a fragile skinny man.

Heart still bleeds whenever I think of my old man (deceased about 3 years ago).

Insider

I know exactly how you feel. It's been 6 years, and I still think of my old man. Many regrets that I should have done more with him while possible.

same - seeing him change from a strong healthy handsome man to be so frail, weak and old in a matter of months, was very very hard. He told me what he wanted in the latter days at the hospital - no more treatments - too tiring, too painful, too stressful, heartpain to see loved ones daily coming and close to tears, the emotions, etc....

My Dad's siblings did not understand, they just want to drag on and on, and some of them thought I was heartless to even suggest to stop his sufferings.

One thing that was weird, my Dad has always not been afraid of ghost, supernatural stuff, death.etc, but in the few weeks near the end in the hospital, I can sense he was a bit fearful.....think he starts seeing the ox head horse face fella a few times, with the occasional passings in the hospital. :oops:

[UncleLim]

MadScientist:

Hi UncleLim!


Long time! Hope all is well... Interesting topic... I should embark on it some day soon. Had always told my kids that I will be there for them, until the day I cannot, so they should still better learn to be independent.



Dear insider,
Am very sorry to learn of what happened to you father. It is heart wrenching and not an easy time.

MadScientist - where have you been?

Ya, I am tying up the loose ends of my late dad's financial matters. So I share some of my thoughts with my kids over dinner. I don't want to have any subject labelled as \"taboo\" in my home, and that includes death, divorce, sex, homosexuality etc. Better for my kids to hear it from me than from their schoolmates or the media.

Also, this year is my year of \"speaking the truth\". All my life I have been politically correct and failed to express my opinions honestly. It is mid life now for me and I want to change that. Family and friends are finding it a bit uncomfortable but hey... I better speak my mind before it is time for me to go. :evil:

[corneyAmber]

生老病死 is a much talkabout topic in our daily lives. I have made it a point to let my child know that these are the natural phenomenon or stages in our lives and when it comes, we just have to embrace them as part and parcel of our life journey. I hope to alleviate her fears by discussing with her when we are still strong and healthy so that when she gets there, she is already prepared to face it strongly. In fact, it leaves her alot of time to question me now and she learns to value her time with her parents preciously now.

[concern2]

insider:

This one when I free, I can share more... (about what I read on 'going in and out of the line between life and death'. Interesting stuff!)

I want to know, I want to know!

[Funz]

My kids are still too young for me to talk about our funeral arrangements, etc. But we have spoken about death and all with them and they have recently experienced what a death in the family is like with the recent passing of my FIL.


I think it is getting more and more common for families to have members with different religious believes. That was what happened with FIL. MIL and SIL are christians while FIL is supposedly buddhist (he claims) but his believes gear more towards Taoism. FIL's passing was very sudden so everyone was scrambling. No prior instructions from him, so all DH could go on was based on what he thinks his father would want and also inputs from various siblings of FIL just to avoid any conflicts. The wake and funeral was basically a state of confusion. The elders say buddhist rites since FIL was s buddhist so DH told the undertakers and funeral home staff, buddhist rites. Then as the wake progressed, the elders started asking why no one burning the papers by FIL's coffin, no paper houses, no paid mourners to cry.

Settling FIL's estate was also no easy task, MIL knows nothing, FIL has stuff all over the place. Then there is the supposed well meaning intentions of relatives to contend with. DH was going :siao: . Told him to ignore all the noise and do what he thinks is the best for his mother. FIL already gone, everything that has to be done now should be for the benefit of his mother.

At night in bed, we talked about it. I told DH, if I do go before him, please, no incense, no burning papers. Candles ok but non-scented. If I have not adopted any religion, I do not want any rites. Just a 2 day period for friends and relatives to say their goodbyes and cremate. He can choose what he wants to do with my ashes, but if he decides to place my ashes at a columbrium, again no incense section. And when he too is gone, the kids can decide if they want to do with my ashes. Told DH this is my believe, when a person is gone, he/she is gone. What needs to be done thereafter should be done with the living in mind, not about what you think the dead would want.

We have a will and we drafted an advance medical directive. No extraordinary means to be taken to prolong our existence if there is no chance of us waking up. Meaning, no life support machines. But the AMD is still just a draft now.

[MadScientist]

UncleLim:

MadScientist - where have you been?

Ya, I am tying up the loose ends of my late dad's financial matters. So I share some of my thoughts with my kids over dinner. I don't want to have any subject labelled as \"taboo\" in my home, and that includes death, divorce, sex, homosexuality etc. Better for my kids to hear it from my than from their schoolmates or the media.

Also, this year is my year of \"speaking the truth\". All my life I have been political correct and failed to express my opinions honestly. It is mid life now for me and I want to change that. Family and friends are finding it a bit uncomfortable but hey... I better speak my mind before it is time for me to go. :evil:

Uncle Lim, I have had been really busy with many transitions. Catch up over a meal and can fill you in.


It's interesting about your year of truth... Give your loved ones time to adjust. A quick implementation tends to invoke undesired responses at times.

Being able to chat honestly with our children is perhaps the best thing we can do for them when they are young... Only then, I believe, that when they are teenagers, will they have the tendency to honestly chat with us.
My kids are young(er), but are growing up fast. I take your cue in wanting to speak before it's too late.

Catch ya soon!

[pinky]

concern2:

daisyt:

I feel very sad to see children not holding joss stick in their parent's funeral due to their religion belief.

I agree with you on this, daisyt. To us, it is a form of respect for the deceased. However, many who do not want to hold the joss sticks think otherwise. I am very surprised that foreigners who also have a different religion are willing to hold the joss sticks for the deceased, if not, to just put their palms together to show respect at the funeral. It is especially sad and disappointing when it is close relatives who refuse to do these things because of different religious beliefs.

there are also cases where the elderly were asked to change to another religion at their death bed by their kids(some of them against their wishes) and siblings arguing over which funeral rites to follow. it is very sad and painful to see especially if it happens to people closed to you :sad: