Different religion
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well, let me try to give my own take on this. i may eventually have to face this issue myself when dd grows up.
as christians, we are taught not to be "unequally yolked" with non-believers for the simple reason that we ourselves may very well be swayed from our faith. hence personally, we’ve been there before and understand the inner struggles of a christian who knows he/she should marry someone of similar faith and to be ready not to ever marry if he/she never finds a suitable one.
there are christians who choose to marry non-believers, some marriages turned out ok ie. the non-believer is ok to come to church but whether he/she becomes a christian is another issue. whatever choice the christian makes, he/she will have to bear the consequences - good or bad. as fellow brothers or sisters, we can only pray for them.
i do not know at what age i will have to start teaching my dd abt this. i guess it will be at an age when she’s mature enough. yes, the teachings will be done but ultimately, the choice is hers to make and dh and i can only pray for her to make wise decisions under the guidance of our Lord. even if she were to make a decision that is not aligned with our beliefs, will i be able to embrace that decision? i honestly do not know but i do pray that my love for her will keep my doors open to her as well as her loved ones always. -
insider:
This is probably the wrong thread to discuss this, but I think the majority of rebellious teenagers out there do not think of it as revenge, but rather as trying to assert their independence, and wanting to feel good about it.
Usually these kids / adults have suppressed themselves in many ways when they were young and subconsciously, they want to take 'revenge'. These thoughts are usually non-intentional but they are manifested out to hurt parents to release the suppressed self and thereby trying to be independent from parental control to form true self-identity and be separate from parents (a psychological need).
When overly-controlled kids do not take 'revenge' against their parents when they grow up, the next ones who will suffer maybe the spouse / kids. When these kids 'torture' their own family (can be also under the pretext of 'love' too), these families cannot be happy and may break up and these happenings also will hurt the original set of parents at the end.
As Stephen Covey put it, people, especially teenagers, need emotional air. When they don't have it, they struggle for it, just like people struggle for physical air when they are denied it.
Having emotional air means being listened to, being respected for their feelings and choices, even though their choices may not be the best amongst others.
For example, a son wants to go with his friends to a not-so-reputable disco.
Situation 1
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
Mum: Why do you want to go those places? Don't you know that unsavory people hanged out there all the time? It's better to spend time resting, so that you can practise your piano pieces on Saturday morning, before we visit your Grandma in the evening. Otherwise, you will complain you've no time to practise, and then you'll never get your Grade 8 before your A Levels, and you won't achieve the goals you've set for yourself...
Son : (silence)
Situation 2
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
Mum : You're interested to go to the disco, because your friends are going?
Son : Yeah, most of the guys in my class hanged out there at least once before. I felt like a noob when they talked about it, and I don't want to be left out.
Mum : I can understand that you don't want to feel left out. Nobody likes to feel left out.
Son : Yeah..
Mum : I'm sure you know about my reservations.
Son : Yeah, I know you feel its unwise to hang out there, because you think there're unsavory people there.
Mum : Yeah, if you go. I will be naturally concerned.
Son : Actually, I don't really want to visit that disco, I don't like dance music anyway, but I just want to see what it's like.
Mum : Sure, I trust that you know my reservations, and I don't want to sound like a nag but you must be careful. Don't have any dealings with unruly people.
Son : (feeling a lot better that he's been given the approval) You know what, mum. My friends think I'll never get your approval, but now I have. I'll tell them that. And anyway, now that you've said okay, I'll see if I want to join them this Friday at all.
All teenagers, and even adults, want is to be genuinely listened to, and not talked over.
Just sharing. Thanks. -
qizai:
And what should a parent do if the son in scenario B decides to still decides to go ahead and get mixed up? Stay mum and allow him to continue 'airing' emotional air, or set the boundaries and expectations?
Situation 2
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
Mum : You're interested to go to the disco, because your friends are going?
Son : Yeah, most of the guys in my class hanged out there at least once before. I felt like a noob when they talked about it, and I don't want to be left out.
Mum : I can understand that you don't want to feel left out. Nobody likes to feel left out.
Son : Yeah..
Mum : I'm sure you know about my reservations.
Son : Yeah, I know you feel its unwise to hang out there, because you think there're unsavory people there.
Mum : Yeah, if you go. I will be naturally concerned.
Son : Actually, I don't really want to visit that disco, I don't like dance music anyway, but I just want to see what it's like.
Mum : Sure, I trust that you know my reservations, and I don't want to sound like a nag but you must be careful. Don't have any dealings with unruly people.
Son : (feeling a lot better that he's been given the approval) You know what, mum. My friends think I'll never get your approval, but now I have. I'll tell them that. And anyway, now that you've said okay, I'll see if I want to join them this Friday at all.
All teenagers, and even adults, want is to be genuinely listened to, and not talked over.
Just sharing. Thanks. -
Hi insider,
Thanks for sharing.
Initially I have the same reaction that "give you an inch, you take a foot"… But what you shared later was really reasonable. I hope I will handle this situation sensitively when my turn comes. -
insider:
Great post - that is the way my mom raised my family.... we had the scope to develop and learn. That 'have fun' message validates his respect for your trust in him...qizai:
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
Something similar happened to me just this new year eve.
Two days ago was the first new year eve that my two eldest kids were not with me with 18 years old daughter in Japan and 16 years old son in Suntec doing countdown with friends. I only had my 7 years old and hubby to have a quiet dinner in a steak house in Orchard.
I was waiting for my son to return home after 12 am.
Instead, I received an sms from him,
\"Mum, may I stay in xxx's house for tonight please?\"
My first thought was not to agree as I had already granted him permission to go for late night countdown and it seemed he 'took an inch and still wanted a foot'.
I switched my thought coz I remembered I was ever young before and probably my countdown at 16 years old was also done at a girlfriend's house. The joy of being young, being carefree, being full of laughter and fun. To reply with a 'Please come back.' would definitely make him come home but after he was home, so what? Will it make him happy or make me pleased?
I returned his sms with,
'Have fun!'
I cut all my naggings of 'Be careful\", \"etc\"... (not that he doesn't know about people may get hack outside if one accidentally throws a stare. Probably he knows in more details than me.)
I always remind myself to have faith and trust in my these two teenage kids and try to give 'string-free' and 'nag-free' consent as much as I can. I think I raise them well this far in terms of their character development and so this faith actually is on my own parenting skills and guidance through their growing up years. Meaning, it is not so much of I trust them but rather I trust myself.
He came back at about 8 am the next morning.
He told me he knows now the festive period is over and he will observe his curfew of 10 pm again... -
insider:
Gosh, insider, i don't know if i can be as brave as you. I may say \"have fun\" but it will probably be followed by \"make sure you don't do this or that.......\" and i most likely won't sleep the whole night!qizai:
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
You did good.
Something similar happened to me just this new year eve.
Two days ago was the first new year eve that my two eldest kids were not with me with 18 years old daughter in Japan and 16 years old son in Suntec doing countdown with friends. I only had my 7 years old and hubby to have a quiet dinner in a steak house in Orchard.
I was waiting for my son to return home after 12 am.
Instead, I received an sms from him,
\"Mum, may I stay in xxx's house for tonight please?\"
My first thought was not to agree as I had already granted him permission to go for late night countdown and it seemed he 'took an inch and still wanted a foot'.
I switched my thought coz I remembered I was ever young before and probably my countdown at 16 years old was also done at a girlfriend's house. The joy of being young, being carefree, being full of laughter and fun. To reply with a 'Please come back.' would definitely make him come home but after he was home, so what? Will it make him happy or make me pleased?
I returned his sms with,
'Have fun!'
I cut all my naggings of 'Be careful\", \"etc\"... (not that he doesn't know about people may get hack outside if one accidentally throws a stare. Probably he knows in more details than me.)
I always remind myself to have faith and trust in my these two teenage kids and try to give 'string-free' and 'nag-free' consent as much as I can. I think I raise them well this far in terms of their character development and so this faith actually is on my own parenting skills and guidance through their growing up years. Meaning, it is not so much of I trust them but rather I trust myself.
He came back at about 8 am the next morning.
He told me he knows now the festive period is over and he will observe his curfew of 10 pm again... -
Sorry, still don’t know how to do the quoting thing.
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Gosh, insider, i don’t know if i can be as brave as you. I may say "have fun" but it will probably be followed by "make sure you don’t do this or that…" and i most likely won’t sleep the whole night!
You did good. -
3Boys:
I think the key is to allow him to air his feelings, and to acknowledge and respect those feelings. Only when he feels truly understood and listened to, will he readily accept those boundaries and expectations from the parent.
And what should a parent do if the son in scenario B decides to still decides to go ahead and get mixed up? Stay mum and allow him to continue 'airing' emotional air, or set the boundaries and expectations?qizai:
Situation 2
Son : Mum, I want to go to the disco on Friday night, with my friends.
Mum : You're interested to go to the disco, because your friends are going?
Son : Yeah, most of the guys in my class hanged out there at least once before. I felt like a noob when they talked about it, and I don't want to be left out.
Mum : I can understand that you don't want to feel left out. Nobody likes to feel left out.
Son : Yeah..
Mum : I'm sure you know about my reservations.
Son : Yeah, I know you feel its unwise to hang out there, because you think there're unsavory people there.
Mum : Yeah, if you go. I will be naturally concerned.
Son : Actually, I don't really want to visit that disco, I don't like dance music anyway, but I just want to see what it's like.
Mum : Sure, I trust that you know my reservations, and I don't want to sound like a nag but you must be careful. Don't have any dealings with unruly people.
Son : (feeling a lot better that he's been given the approval) You know what, mum. My friends think I'll never get your approval, but now I have. I'll tell them that. And anyway, now that you've said okay, I'll see if I want to join them this Friday at all.
All teenagers, and even adults, want is to be genuinely listened to, and not talked over.
Just sharing. Thanks.
Sometimes, teenagers know more about parental expectations than the parent can give credit for. After all, parents are accustomed to going from A to Z about everything...
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prancingpony:
Sorry, still don't know how to do the quoting thing.
Just hit the quote button on the top right hand corner of this post and then type your reply outside the quotes.
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