Extra Marital Affair
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From your description, the man does come across as just a passive participant. Cruising along, doing what is suggested etc to regain his face. This is not the repentance I meant.
True repentance is not just sorrow prompted by the fear of punishment or a cold clinical acknowledgement of an obvious error. Instead repentance is a spiritually produced remorse and sorrow-of-heart at having done wrong in the first place. It goes beyond just saying sorry. The person needs to be broken in spirit.
The parable of the prodigal son is a good example.
Sorry to come across as preachy…
Cheers
ponyo -
buds:
buds, you are right....\"How does one know if a man is truly repentant?\"How does one know if a man is truly repentant btw?
I have friends whose husbands attend everything they
have suggested to strengthen their marriages; just to keep
their wives and their families and to save face.... but on the
sly, they still resume their activities nevertheless when the
coast is clearer.
Seriously... sorry is not enough.
that man used to take care of the family lots..... and he strayed off to
a woman older than his wife !!! my relative could not take it.....
still trying best to pacify her.....more like WE are trying our best to pacify her instead of the man....sigh.... and when tat man was trying to seek forgiveness from his wife, he wasn't very serious too..... :x -
My believes, never actively step into another couple’s problems. You can be there to lend a shoulder or moral support and all but the decision to forgive and work it out or not has to be made by the wife herself. And whatever her decision, just be there to support her when need be.
We cannot presume to know what is best for the couple, only they know for themselves.
The only time that I ever step in to actively tell someone to leave the guy was when the guy was abusive. -
Funz:
I take the same stand unless my friend actively seeks my advice, I prefer to listen and be supportive only. Even then, I would only say from my personal considerations, so my friend still has to build in her/his own personal considerations.My believes, never actively step into another couple's problems. You can be there to lend a shoulder or moral support and all but the decision to forgive and work it out or not has to be made by the wife herself. And whatever her decision, just be there to support her when need be.
We cannot presume to know what is best for the couple, only they know for themselves.
The only time that I ever step in to actively tell someone to leave the guy was when the guy was abusive. -
ks2me:
ks2me, well said...but these men DON'T COUNT the cost coz they didn't think they'd get caught out!
I think for men hor...don't talk Venus to them, talk SUMS to them....then they will pull out the CALCULATOR to count count first before they make that crucial step.... :lol: :lol:
You know, we've been talking about men being caught or found out...what about those who don't? It doesn't make EMA go away...and it truly changes the relationship (I'm assuming there was one with the spouse to even begin with) forever. -
buds:
Men's choice of frenz also do play a part in the straying process.
If one is surrounded by good friends, the limits of exposure to
straying is less... as compared to when one has tons of frenz
who strays as a hobby. Sure got a lot of lobang to share and
tips to help noobies not to get caught by their spouses..
Oh that I agree with, very very much so.
My DH and I used to hang out with a grp of JC classmates when we were dating. We were v v close. Get togethers and all that.
Then the galfrds came in ....
Then they got married ....
Then they had kids ....
Then comparisons started ie the 5Cs .... (actually b4 the kids came)
We stopped meeting up ... was getting too superficial.
Fast Forward, almost ten yrs down the road, out of the four males, three have strayed/are straying for various reasons. When DH met up with them for 'prata session', quite surprised at the tremendous change in them. They also attributed their EMAs to their wives ie don't take care of appearance anymore, lack of sex with them, too preoccupied with kids etc... One of them is a successful owner of a chain of stores catering to kids, teens and those young at heart.
When he came back and related this, I had goosebumps. Imagine if we had played along with their superficiality and maintained the frdship. Not to mention the high monthly payments to accomodate the car and condo/house etc.... :!:
When we talk about the EMA in a r/s, he used to tell me, like 3boys that the spouse's happiness lays in the wife's hands. But recently, when someone we know strayed and got into trouble (woman was trying to blackmail him) and turned to DH for help, I asked DH, this theory doesn't apply as the wife had tried her best to make him happy (to my knowledge). She's attractive and slim too. But, apparently, the someone was 'influenced' by another frd of his about this woman and was persuaded to 'give it a try.' He got into trouble (btw, it was his first time). Had a huge headache trying to sort out the problem with the help of DH. Then after when everything was settled, he strayed again :!: -
Funz:
yup - I don't step into their problems too....I was only thereMy believes, never actively step into another couple's problems. You can be there to lend a shoulder or moral support and all but the decision to forgive and work it out or not has to be made by the wife herself. And whatever her decision, just be there to support her when need be.
We cannot presume to know what is best for the couple, only they know for themselves.
The only time that I ever step in to actively tell someone to leave the guy was when the guy was abusive.
to provide my relative with moral support basically and also
a listening ear....at that point in time she was too distraught to
think straight as the \"other\" woman had come knocking
on her door.....
I told her whatever decision she is going to make, she has to
make sure she can live with it...... either for herself or for her kids.
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On a separate note, does anyone agree that at the end of the day, besides the religion aspect, it also boils down to the upbringing ie the teaching of values, morals, what is right or wrong etc that 'de-influences' (if there is such a word) from straying ... :? I mean only when in the first place, one has sound values, morals etc.. then one should be able to keep to one's marriage vows rite?? A vow can simply be a vow if one does not have strong morals/values upbringing. And being sound in those aspects does not necessarily equate one with being religious/pious??? Isn't that why the opposite sex is always finding reasons/excuses as to why they have strayed, simply because they cannot except the fact that they have done wrong.
When my then bf, now DH 'went to the dark side' as mentioned previously when overseas, I can't say that he cheated on me cuz we had an understanding that we could see others if we wanted to during the time he was away. Obviously I didn't lah
Anyway, after we sorted out our r/s issues and got married, he has managed to 'keep his vows'. And especially after we had our boy, he has gone all out to be a family man ie quit erratic hrs in partnership firm to get one which has regular hrs etc...
So now, as I am reading all the posts here, I am just wondering whether does the above point hold water as I have always felt that DH and his brothers were brought up well in a lot of ways.
Apologies if I sound a tad too naive or idealistic here. I am just penning my thoughts down cuz I am trying to understand the situation of EMAs here. -
Honestly… it boils down to how the well brought up person
rejects temptations flat out! Solely for the reason that it is
wrong. I’ve seen many many many brought up men and
women unable to smack temptations in the face. Esp when
their relationship suffers a crack or there are some un-said
un-acknowledged and un-resolved issues at the point the
temptation appears. It could be an EMA with someone they
once knew before marriage… cos it will be easier to bond
without having to learn about each other again… or it could
be someone new, desperate, eager and of course shameless
to begin with… who seeks out the stability in a well-incomed,
well-groomed, well-everything of a married man or woman…
To some, these are turn-on traits of a person they’d like to
have for themselves… so since they say, the best ones are
always either taken or married… then bo-pian wat. -
buds:
Hey buds,Honestly.. it boils down to how the well brought up person
rejects temptations flat out! Solely for the reason that it is
wrong. I've seen many many many brought up men and
women unable to smack temptations in the face. Esp when
their relationship suffers a crack or there are some un-said
un-acknowledged and un-resolved issues at the point the
temptation appears. It could be an EMA with someone they
once knew before marriage... cos it will be easier to bond
without having to learn about each other again... or it could
be someone new, desperate, eager and of course shameless
to begin with... who seeks out the stability in a well-incomed,
well-groomed, well-everything of a married man or woman..
To some, these are turn-on traits of a person they'd like to
have for themselves... so since they say, the best ones are
always either taken or married... then bo-pian wat.
sorri, can't respond now, have to log off. Do you mind reading my post again as I have edited it.
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