Adoption
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AdonciaTang:
Hi Straffan, ChiefKiasu and Canvas, Thanks so much for your comments. It really helps. My DH and I have decided to adopt the young girl after much discuss last night. Actually we have been discussing for 3 months on it and we feel that she really need someone now and we are willing to share our love with her. We are going to check out the adoption procedure and hopefull she can join our family before Chinese New Year.
Does the girl have relatives e.g. uncles, aunties, grandparents, cousins etc? Does the girl reciprocate her love and know your intention to adopt her?
Kinship bond is pretty strong and if she does have relatives then I would have thought they might just want to take her in and adoption will never be a consideration. But you’re adopting. Therefore, there must at least be a strong connection between the girl and you and her bond with her relatives, if any, should not come into the equation for the adoption to work IMHO. More importantly, pity must not be one reason for the adoption.
I hope all goes well since you have decided on the adoption, and I hope she’ll grow up to be understanding and less rebellious even under trying circumstances because your bond with her is not by blood but by love which hopefully will last forever.
For all you know, this might just turn out to be the perfect new year present for both your family and the girl! -
Rational_Parent:
Hi Rational_Parent. She is from Myanmar. And she is currently under foster care. She comes to my place often in the past with her parents so we do have a connection. Their family have no relatives and only have friends but they are PR in singapore due to the dad working here for quite some time. I am sorry but I do pity her and I want to give her the love that she had lost from her biological mother. DH and I want a daughter too and i am not young anymore. So we decided to go ahead with it. If one day she leaves us, then so be it. At least, DH and I have fulfill our duties as parents giving her unconditional love.AdonciaTang:
Hi Straffan, ChiefKiasu and Canvas, Thanks so much for your comments. It really helps. My DH and I have decided to adopt the young girl after much discuss last night. Actually we have been discussing for 3 months on it and we feel that she really need someone now and we are willing to share our love with her. We are going to check out the adoption procedure and hopefull she can join our family before Chinese New Year.
Does the girl have relatives e.g. uncles, aunties, grandparents, cousins etc? Does the girl reciprocate her love and know your intention to adopt her?
Kinship bond is pretty strong and if she does have relatives then I would have thought they might just want to take her in and adoption will never be a consideration. But you’re adopting. Therefore, there must at least be a strong connection between the girl and you and her bond with her relatives, if any, should not come into the equation for the adoption to work IMHO. More importantly, pity must not be one reason for the adoption.
I hope all goes well since you have decided on the adoption, and I hope she’ll grow up to be understanding and less rebellious even under trying circumstances because your bond with her is not by blood but by love which hopefully will last forever.
For all you know, this might just turn out to be the perfect new year present for both your family and the girl!
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Nebbermind:
Both of her parents are dead.Personally, that is too close for comfort.
But why would the couple wanna give up the child, esp coming from a Christian background? -
AdonciaTang, that is indeed a noble thought. :salute: More so to take adopt a child when you have two of your own. And an older child too. Hope that this binds your family together more.
That said it is not an easy one. And I write this not to discourage but to hopefully help you be better prepared, to make it smoother.
To be responsible for another human being is one of the toughest responsibilities for most of us. I am sure you DH and you have thought thru. Its good that your sons are ready too. But do ensure that know how things will change. Kids may be happy to share their toys and even affection to someone close. But even they do not realize that sharing your parents with somebody on an equal footing can be difficult to accept. Sibling rivalry is a fact. It could be magnified when the “sibling” is implanted quite suddenly.
Attending the adoption workshops will help a lot, i feel.
And one word of caution about pity.
Every relationship is one to one. When one gives he/she also receives. And when one receives he/she also receives. When you give your love because of pity you are not ready to receive. And as humans we do not like to receive without giving. A new born baby receives love and comfort and needs from his parent , and innately gives back so much love. The content smile on a baby’s face is worth waking up for the midnight feeds. But an older child may feel inadequate receive love and not be able to give anything that he/she can measure. That is why pity messes up a bond.
What a child should intrinsically feel for a parent (before becoming an adult) is lots of love and traces of gratitude. If a child senses pity they may feel obligated to be good. She may feel doubly guilty every time she does a mistake. Isnt it one of childhood privileges – the freedom to err and yet not be judged? And what is childhood if we haven’t been naughty or silly or thrown a tantrum?
So please kick out the pity as you prepare to welcome your “daughter” .
Unconditional love is not so natural. Afterall which parent here can hold a hand on the heart and say, when the DC misbehaved in public or when Dc scored miserably or when the teacher called up to complain, our love did not turn conditional. But, imho, as long as we can do it most of the time and especially when it matters, it should be ok.
And I wanted to put these few words that encompass a richness of a parent’s life. Yeah go for it, but with your eyes open.
As a result of being a parent,
I have laughed harder, cried more often --
I have worried more and hurried more.
I've had much less sleep,
but somehow I've had much more fun.
I've learned more, grown more.
My heart has ached harder,
and I've loved to a capacity beyond my imagination.
I've given more of myself,
but I've derived more meaning from life. -
Sun, that was a good post! :salute:
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Sun, that is a very powerful post! I like it.
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Sun_2010:
Thank you Sun. Yes my DH and I are all prepared for this new journey of our life. wish us luck.AdonciaTang, that is indeed a noble thought. :salute: More so to take adopt a child when you have two of your own. And an older child too. Hope that this binds your family together more.
That said it is not an easy one. And I write this not to discourage but to hopefully help you be better prepared, to make it smoother.
To be responsible for another human being is one of the toughest responsibilities for most of us. I am sure you DH and you have thought thru. Its good that your sons are ready too. But do ensure that know how things will change. Kids may be happy to share their toys and even affection to someone close. But even they do not realize that sharing your parents with somebody on an equal footing can be difficult to accept. Sibling rivalry is a fact. It could be magnified when the “sibling” is implanted quite suddenly.
Attending the adoption workshops will help a lot, i feel.
And one word of caution about pity.
Every relationship is one to one. When one gives he/she also receives. And when one receives he/she also receives. When you give your love because of pity you are not ready to receive. And as humans we do not like to receive without giving. A new born baby receives love and comfort and needs from his parent , and innately gives back so much love. The content smile on a baby’s face is worth waking up for the midnight feeds. But an older child may feel inadequate receive love and not be able to give anything that he/she can measure. That is why pity messes up a bond.
What a child should intrinsically feel for a parent (before becoming an adult) is lots of love and traces of gratitude. If a child senses pity they may feel obligated to be good. She may feel doubly guilty every time she does a mistake. Isnt it one of childhood privileges – the freedom to err and yet not be judged? And what is childhood if we haven’t been naughty or silly or thrown a tantrum?
So please kick out the pity as you prepare to welcome your “daughter” .
Unconditional love is not so natural. Afterall which parent here can hold a hand on the heart and say, when the DC misbehaved in public or when Dc scored miserably or when the teacher called up to complain, our love did not turn conditional. But, imho, as long as we can do it most of the time and especially when it matters, it should be ok.
And I wanted to put these few words that encompass a richness of a parent’s life. Yeah go for it, but with your eyes open.
As a result of being a parent,
I have laughed harder, cried more often --
I have worried more and hurried more.
I've had much less sleep,
but somehow I've had much more fun.
I've learned more, grown more.
My heart has ached harder,
and I've loved to a capacity beyond my imagination.
I've given more of myself,
but I've derived more meaning from life.
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Congrats, AdonciaTang. I think it's great. Older children often get overlooked in favour of babies, and, yes, there are unknowns and what-ifs, but, hey, that's life. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure you'll all be very happy together
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AdonciaTang:
Not able to offer much but do pray about it coz only He can provide the right answers to your doubts.
Both of her parents are dead.Nebbermind:
Personally, that is too close for comfort.
But why would the couple wanna give up the child, esp coming from a Christian background?
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phtthp:
did you try IUI or IVF method ... better than adoption, bec it's your own genes ?AdonciaTang:
Haha true true. Was thinking of adopting a young girl too. Have been trying for a daughter but no results.
Sorry, i don't believe in adoption, maybe because of my friend's case.
Years ago, my friend adopted a baby girl from China.
when she grew up, she brought her lots of pain, heartache, grievances, sorrow ... defiant, stubborn, disobedient. In the end, my friend died from cancer.
doesn't mean own children will not grow up that way
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