All About Bullying
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Hi chl72,
Why not call the teacher to tell her about how your daughter feels and find out what the teacher said to the class? I’m quite surprised to hear that a teacher asks the class not to pick on somebody. That itself is making your daughter ostracized by all. I may be wrong. But who will want to friend your daughter if she has a reputation of being picked and picked for what? Is it her fault or thoseickers’ fault? I just feel that it’s getting too personal.
Whether we are introverts or extroverts, I do not see any other better reason to come out of the comfort zone for our children. -
need same advice..
my girl just transferred school this year.
Another girl \"A\", who was in same class for 1 year in previous school, followed us to put on waitlist and got offer to transfer as well.\"A\" was hesitant when she was told they may not end up in same class, but upon our request(though school said not guaranteed), both were allocated same class in new school.
Started out with, \"A\" and another girl \"B\"started to make my girl who sits in middle of them, passed notes DURING lessons, mainly involving demanding whether wants to be friends with \"so & so\" or not etc..
Then \"A\"'s mum apps me to ask about an Indian girl,
told me claimed that this Indian gal had been telling people not to friend \"A\"..
told me negative things(which I am not aware nor bothered) that this Indian gal always hand up work late, late for school,rude to teachers etc..
then said my gal is close to this Indian gal, asked me whether my gal told me anything..I asked my gal, she said this Indian gal is fine and she did not hear her told anyone not to friend \"A\"..
SO I told \"A\"'s mum, my gal heard nothing..(at that moment, I was still not aware about the notes-passing)..
I said I usually don't bother much about such matters, should be some usual-girls-thingy..
\"A\"s mum said she usually don't bother also, but since her gal brought it up to her, she may see teacher about it, if situation gets worse..
The next day, my girl was forced to pass the notes around again, from \"A\" to a girl \"B\" who sits next to my gal, and \"B\" didn't bother much and let my gal read the notes, of which 1 sounds threatening as it was written \"U have to decide by this week, to be friend with 'C' or not, if not my mother will tell MRS XXX...\"
My silly gal was worried for her Indian friend as she recalls reading from my apps(without my permission, on how bad impression \"A\"'s mum has on her Indian friend & that she mentioned may see teacher), so was afraid that her Indian friend will also be implicated if A's mum see Mrs XXX, as she felt that her Indian friend is innocent.
So she told her Indian friend that A told her mum that she had been telling people not to friend A, and this Indian friend felt wronged and went straight,to Mrs XXX to tell her of the accusation.
My girl came back home to tell me what happened and showed me the threatening notes, of which I sent 1 of the most threatening 1 to A's mum when she apps me to ask what happened..
SHe was not concerned & not ashamed/paiseh over the bullying threatening notes which her daughter wrote, instead, she quickly defended & push the blame to my gal and criticised her for reading our apps and kept questioning, harping on why my gal go and tell the Indian girl & kept blaming my girl & accused her of blowing up the matter!!
Basically, I think she was not happy that it caused her girl (and a few others involved,including my girl) to be questioned by teacher..
She did not even bother to ask me to apps her all the other 7 notes!!(no concern at all, after reading 1 of the threat notes her gal wrote!!)
& Her blaming on my girl, is DESPITE telling her I already caned my girl for reading my apps messages..& for getting distracted by helping to pass the notes..
I was appalled over her defensive blaming reactions..
& she did not even bother to apologise on behalf of her girl, for distracting my girl during lessons, forcing her to pass those threatening notes around!!
After that, \"A\" over the past 1.5mth, has been harrassing my girl almost every alternate day,saying things like \"don't read your mum's apps & get me into trouble.. \" and behaved s if she had done NOTHING wrong, in the FIRST place!!!?
& she had been telling my girl things like \"My mum told me not to friend u,she does not like you, because u have a BIG mouth!!\"
\"MY mum don't want to apps your mum anymore, because she is afraid u will read their apps & get me into trouble!!\"
All these showed that she thinks she did nothing wrong in initiating forming of gangs and writing threatening notes..sigh..
(I cannot imagine when go secondary school how such attiude,if uncorrected, will blossom into??)
& obviously, I guess she is daring because has the support of her mum...
no wrong of yours, just find a scapegoat to take the blame..
it's as if, u can murder someone, and u did nothing wrong as long as no one discover what u did..
and even if u are caught, u are STILL NOT wrong..The one who reported u to police, is the one who is wrong!!!!?
SIgh..
From then on, I started to ask in detail, my girl how is school & appalled to find out :
1) A has been making my gal return plates for her, after A finished eating during recess
2)A making my gal throw rubbish like food wrappers after A finished eating during recess
3) A forcing my gal to lend handphone on school bus to play games, even though my gal told A, that she needs the HP as her mummy need to sms her to know what time school bus will reach home as mummy need to rush out for work
(I was frustrated when I sms her but get no reply,& she had not told me until after I started to suspect & question in detail then realise this problem, but still I did not want to spoil my relationship with A's mum,in case people thought I am atas or what, so I kept quiet before the threat notes saga and even after it..just told my girl to handle and try don't lend to \"A\"..but problem got worse..read \"4\")
4) \"A\" wakes my gal up almost every morning, on the way to school, to borrow her handphone, even though my gal told her many times, not to disturb her nap.
5) in school bus, A also like to eat snack like biscuits and always made my girl throw for her..
got 1 time, my girl was kind enough to pass A a piece of wetwipe, as the snack \"A\" ate was sticky..guess what? after finish using, A pass back the wet wipe and made my girl throw for her!!
I feel as if my girl is treated as a maid!! We don't even treat our ex-maid this way, in the first place, as things that our kids are able to do, like throwing rubbish, we do not make our ex-maids do for our kids!
6) \"A\" on 1 hand ,been nastily reminding my gal not to read her mum's apps, YET when she borrowed my gal's handphone, there was 1 time ,she went to search for the sms messages between my girl and me and read them!!!
7) \"A\" rummaged through my girl's school bag a few times, and also rummaged through her recess bag..& even though my girl told her to stop,& asked her why are u rummaging my bag, she just smiled and continued!!!
1 time,they were walking,one behind another, \"A\" used 2 hands to push my girl from behind and caused my girl to almost fall down, with her heavy bags on shoulders! and when my girl turned back,and asked why u pushed me?? \"A\" was giggling away..
Sorry for the long long story..
I am at a loss on how to handle..
do all the above constitute to bullying??
Need some 3rd party's opinion & advice..
Am I too sensitive??
sigh.. -
Hi cool_hi,
It's indeed very long and drama-like.
We are all humans and hence I think we can only set a high standard on ourselves. For others, it's not within our control. To be angry and emotional about what others have done wrongly? That's the silliest thing to do. You just need to let your daughter know what's right and what's wrong; what's acceptable and what's not. Let her think what is friendship about and whether it's really worthwhile to maintain the friendship as it was.
My first son (6.5 years old) recently was not friended by his best friend (neighbors) who friended others. The main reason I guess is my son's immature and sometimes weird behaviors (he is a gifted child). The other reasons could be age differences (1.5 years) and the others are of the same age except him. Last week I told my son: it's okay to lose a friend; lose a friend gracefully; most importantly you must learn your lessons from it. I think it's better for children to have such experience early. -
Mathwiz:
Hi mathwiz,Hi cool_hi,
It's indeed very long and drama-like. We are all humans and hence I think we can only set a high standard on ourselves. For others, it's not within our control. To be angry and emotional about what others have done wrongly? That's the silliest thing to do. You just need to let your daughter know what's right and what's wrong; what's acceptable and what's not. Let her think what is friendship about and whether it's really worthwhile to maintain the friendship as it was.
My first son (6.5 years old) recently was not friended by his best friend (neighbors) who friended others. The main reason I guess is my son's immature and sometimes weird behaviors (he is a gifted child). The other reasons could be age differences (1.5 years) and the others are of the same age except him. Last week I told my son: it's okay to lose a friend; lose a friend gracefully; most importantly you must learn your lessons from it. I think it's better for children to have such experience early.
thanks for your time to provide advice:)
Ya, your advice coincide with 1-2 KSP parents who kindly took time to PM me, & shares with me their kids experiences in school and how they deal with the problems and how they taught their kids to handle..
especially after 1 more incident happened,
whereby Mrs XXX happened to ask my girl whether she is ok & whether anything happened, my girl took a while to think and mentioned the pushing incident.. Teacher asked her to demonstrate how she was pushed..
after that, teacher questioned \"A\"..
not sure what \"A\" told teacher..
But after that \"A\" during PE, proclaimed to my girl, \"I did not push u what...\"
My girl replied \" u did what..\"
then another girl \"C\"(\"A\"'s newfound ka ki) heard and joined in to say \"EVEN if she did push, IT was an accident!\"
my girl remembered what we taught her, & did not want to argue with them & kept quiet..
I don't think it takes an \"accident\" to RAISE two hands to push lor..
sigh..
to me, if u really did, (even if it is just a thought of wilful act at that moment), one should righteously just admit it...reflect & apologise..
not jump to defensive mode and simply deny all the way..
sigh..
even yesterday, \"A\" and \"C\" still harassing my girl and label her as being 'mean', asked why is she so 'mean' etc..(to tell the truth becomes mean?!)..& worse, said \"why did your mum make my mum transfer me to this school also?\"
sigh..speechless..anything also can pick+blame others!!
luckily, hubby already advised girl to just ignore such accusations and just stay away from them & don't let their actions and words affect her. & most importantly, treat them as mirrors & constantly remind herself not to stoop to their levels to do things that are not right..
from the above most recent happenings, I fully understand, what u have advised on what other people do, \"it's NOT within our control\"..
& in school, what a teacher can do to counsel a child, is really limited..
Parents play a much bigger role..
With all yours and others' advice, at least I know we are teaching her the right things and right way to handle..
i now look at it more positively, as an opportunity to build up her resilience
(previously was very lost & clouded with questions of why & how come etc??
even contemplated not letting my girl go school!!)
Thanks to all, again!! -
Sometimes the school teacher don't bother about what we do or say to our classmates even when it has escalated to my friends fighting and pulling each other hair. I am lucky I wasn't targeted but I really feel very sad for one of my classmates who is slightly bigger in size. The others always make fun of her n made her life hell in school. Our FT never do anything to help, she told us that any problem we have, we need to settle it by ourselves, her job is only to teach us. Omg when I heard that! I hope I can help my classmate but I can't because the rest would gang up against me too
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chl72:
Thank you buds, mypillow and mathswiz.
I did see the FT during PTC earlier this yr. I told her to watch the class silently and see for herself how the classmates treated her. She agreed and did see a few instances that they were not very 'nice' to her. She said that she will find a chance to talk to the class about this issue. Yesterday, I heard from a mother that she finally found the opportunity (when my DD is on MC) to talk to the class. What did she say exactly I am not sure though, as the mother say her child doesn't wan to tell her too much. Something like tell them not to pick on her... let's just wait n see if things improve lor....
I talked to DD last night abt how she felt, she told me that they are making her hate going to sch. I told her to tell FT that, dun always tell tchr she is ok when tchr ask her... I know that my DD can be very blunt at times, i told her not everyone can accept that. There was a time when she walk pass a classmate n saw something wrong in his work. She told him that he did wrongly(maybe quite bluntly), was immediately scolded n tell her to mind her own business.. she can't understand why she get this treatment when she meant well. In the end, she was right n the boy blame her for his mistakes.
I am those very introverted person. Asking me to take the initiative to contact those parents is really not that easy for me... My DD on the other hand is super extroverted and vocal. She can talk to practically anyone. So I am having quite a hard time handling her. i know she has problems with her social skills, we are working on improving that.
Thank you everyone for your kind advices.
It is always worrying for parents when their dc is the target of bully. So chl72, is your child's situation any better now? Sure hope it is.
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Why did a child become a bully? What prompted that behaviour? TV, Movies or violent computer games? Somehow it’s unavoidable for a child to be exposed to violent as it is prevalent in TV, movies and games today. Sometimes they may learnt it from their parents, relatives and friends.
Many parents are generally OK if their child is a bully or rude to others. Recently I opened the door for a lady and the kid she was with was rude to me and scream that he wants to open the door but the lady just smile.
Do most parents understand the impact on the child that is a bully or rude? The child may lose friends and won’t get support in school. If the behaviour persisted through to his or her adult life, he or she may be ostracized in the workplace or society.
This shows the lack of awareness among parents. Do most young parents know what and how to teach their children? Many may have the basics to inculcate their child but is it enough? How then can they develop a more holistic development so that their child has the right behaviour to be successfully in school and adult life? We can’t educate other people’s children and can only help our own children react in the most productive manner in today’s world. The point is what can we do. -
Presby:
Why did a child become a bully? What prompted that behaviour? TV, Movies or violent computer games? Somehow it's unavoidable for a child to be exposed to violent as it is prevalent in TV, movies and games today. Sometimes they may learnt it from their parents, relatives and friends.
Many parents are generally OK if their child is a bully or rude to others. Recently I opened the door for a lady and the kid she was with was rude to me and scream that he wants to open the door but the lady just smile.
Do most parents understand the impact on the child that is a bully or rude? The child may lose friends and won't get support in school. If the behaviour persisted through to his or her adult life, he or she may be ostracized in the workplace or society.
This shows the lack of awareness among parents. Do most young parents know what and how to teach their children? Many may have the basics to inculcate their child but is it enough? How then can they develop a more holistic development so that their child has the right behaviour to be successfully in school and adult life? We can't educate other people's children and can only help our own children react in the most productive manner in today's world. The point is what can we do.
I beg to differ
BULLY wont be ostracized. In fact BULLY in class gather more bully to join in the act.
THE VICTIM is the one that will be ostracized instead.
My niece has been a victim since Sec 1.
We confronted the school involving the principal, vice principal and form teacher.
Ended up now she become the one ostracized in school. -
rakutenten:
Presby:
Why did a child become a bully? What prompted that behaviour? TV, Movies or violent computer games? Somehow it's unavoidable for a child to be exposed to violent as it is prevalent in TV, movies and games today. Sometimes they may learnt it from their parents, relatives and friends.
Many parents are generally OK if their child is a bully or rude to others. Recently I opened the door for a lady and the kid she was with was rude to me and scream that he wants to open the door but the lady just smile.
Do most parents understand the impact on the child that is a bully or rude? The child may lose friends and won't get support in school. If the behaviour persisted through to his or her adult life, he or she may be ostracized in the workplace or society.
This shows the lack of awareness among parents. Do most young parents know what and how to teach their children? Many may have the basics to inculcate their child but is it enough? How then can they develop a more holistic development so that their child has the right behaviour to be successfully in school and adult life? We can't educate other people's children and can only help our own children react in the most productive manner in today's world. The point is what can we do.
I beg to differ
BULLY wont be ostracized. In fact BULLY in class gather more bully to join in the act.
THE VICTIM is the one that will be ostracized instead.
My niece has been a victim since Sec 1.
We confronted the school involving the principal, vice principal and form teacher.
Ended up now she become the one ostracized in school.
This is so sad. It seems like a pretty serious case for the parents to take it up to the principal. The school should be objective in dealing with the case and help the victim overcome it. Would it be helpful if the case is taken up with MOE? The worst case may be to transfer the student to another class or even another school. If the same happens to my daughter, I will probably press on. -
Sigh… bullying can be a big part of academic and life balance. Sometimes, espcially having a more reserved child, you might not get a big picture about what is going on…
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