Changes In Children
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Andaiz:
Hi Andiaz, you mean you wrote letters to your mom ? Then did your mom wrote back to you ? What made you started this ?Bear.w.me,
May I also suggest you either blog this adventure or write a diary on this with her (modernised version....read on, I'll tell you why!)
I remember my mom keeping the letter full of angst I'd sent her at 15-16 years' old. She showed it to me the evening before I got married :love: and it really made me feel that I'd never foresake her even after getting married. :snuggles: More importantly for her and me, it's a chronological track of how we've grown and how our relationship has grown. -
daisyt:
I started when I was about 13...went to Secondary School. Took school bus for the first 2 terms and when we shifted house, took public transport; and had lots of adventures that she didn't know about. It was then that she said she doesn't understand me anymore...too much angst for me and I wrote to her coz I couldn't get my thoughts out in one sitting (can't think straight in the anger); and I wanted to GET MYSELF HEARD!
Hi Andiaz, you mean you wrote letters to your mom ? Then did your mom wrote back to you ? What made you started this ?
Now, I write little notes to my 4,6,8 year olds and sometimes they write lovely notes back. My firstborn actually wrote to my mom once, \"I'd like to be good mahmah...so please be patient with me coz God is!\"
:!: by now...after her experience with me, my mom's used to it liao!
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Hi Andaiz, i think what you shared with me and the rest is a very wonderful experience.
My wife does write small notes every now and then to my children and vice versa she receives replies too; but not on regular basis. It reminds me of a Korean drama sometimes back where a father (a school teacher) who wrote to his mother in heaven about the challenges and changes in his children's lives.
Hmm, this is certainly a good idea even for parents (to write to their own deceased parents). Most of us do need a listening ears sometimes be it imaginary or in person. Also, sometimes (I emphasise sometimes) writing down your thoughts are more organised and more expressive as you can ponder over the right choice of words comparing to face to face communication.
Only of cource if you write elsewhere you will write less here in KSP. Afterall, time is only limited for most of us. -
So sweet, Andiaz. Wonder if this is a girl thing? Cos I can't foresee my son writing to me.
He's a very very sensitive, sweet person when we speak at night (our cosy time) but during the day, he's Mr Rough and Tumble.
BTW, I wasn't sure if I should write here or start a separate thread. My son just started school, and already, I see so many changes. I asked him how school was (I mean about making friends); he's been saying things are great, but suddenly two nights ago, he told me - I don't tell you everything because you'll worry, or you'll scold me because you're not always on my side. So I tell you that things are better than they really are.\"
:faint:
It made me realize that whenever he has a fight with his friends, I'm quick to tell him not to ___, like call names, etc. So I'm grateful that he feels safe enough to talk to me. At least I can work on it to make him trust me and feel that I'm always 100% on his side. I'll just leave the lessons for later lah :lol:. Increasingly too, I have to be aware that he's no longer a little boy and I have to let go.
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Hi Blobbi, I think whenever our children made mistakes; we should not be quick to provide solution as to what are the right things to do (of course I know it is easier written than actually doing it).
We as parent must always ensure our child/children that we are always stand by them/support them no matter what they have done (of course it is easier said than actually doing it).
Only then the trust is enhanced and hopefully will last even up to their teen years.
Right now, I have a Sec 1 DD1 and P6 DD2 to manage and a P3 DD3 leaning and climbing all over me at times. I agree with Daisyt that parents need to monitor the changes in their child/children in order to be there for them. I am doing that now in this thread as I do not usually talk about problems concerning children so openly with immediate friends. -
Think it is a girl’s thing. From 3 plus till now my dd has been writing notes to me. I kept most of them. During dad’s birthday, we bought a glass bottle(like those that would float in water with a secret message) and she wrote multiple messages inside for him. On my birthday last year, she made her own container and wrote many messages for me too, even on behalf of dad n messages from my parents which she included herself. Strange cookie I have but it was the best present I received, priceless.
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Bear.w.me:
That's so true. I must zip up and just feel empathy first. The best thing we can do as parents is to stay flexible so that we can be there for them (and they must want us to be there in the first place). It is this strong feeling of trust that I must act quickly to preserve.Hi Blobbi, I think whenever our children made mistakes; we should not be quick to provide solution as to what are the right things to do (of course I know it is easier written than actually doing it).
We as parent must always ensure our child/children that we are always stand by them/support them no matter what they have done (of course it is easier said than actually doing it).
Only then the trust is enhanced and hopefully will last even up to their teen years.
Right now, I have a Sec 1 DD1 and P6 DD2 to manage and a P3 DD3 leaning and climbing all over me at times. I agree with Daisyt that parents need to monitor the changes in their child/children in order to be there for them. I am doing that now in this thread as I do not usually talk about problems concerning children so openly with immediate friends.
I don't like to to talk about problems too - I find it hard to pinpoint my feelings verbally. But the act of writing it down as well the anonymity we have here, sure helps. We're all parents in the same boat! -
ks2me:
Think it is a girl's thing. From 3 plus till now my dd has been writing notes to me. I kept most of them. During dad's birthday, we bought a glass bottle(like those that would float in water with a secret message) and she wrote multiple messages inside for him. On my birthday last year, she made her own container and wrote many messages for me too, even on behalf of dad n messages from my parents which she included herself. Strange cookie I have but it was the best present I received, priceless.
Haha! You'll have a box full of treasures to look back at in the future. Very sweet! -
Bear.w.me:
Bear.w.me, I don't just write, I talk too. DH sez I've to exhaust my quota of 50,000 words or I'd wake him up at about 3 plus and talk non-stopHi Andaiz, i think what you shared with me and the rest is a very wonderful experience.
My wife does write small notes every now and then to my children and vice versa she receives replies too; but not on regular basis. It reminds me of a Korean drama sometimes back where a father (a school teacher) who wrote to his mother in heaven about the challenges and changes in his children's lives.
Hmm, this is certainly a good idea even for parents (to write to their own deceased parents). Most of us do need a listening ears sometimes be it imaginary or in person. Also, sometimes (I emphasise sometimes) writing down your thoughts are more organised and more expressive as you can ponder over the right choice of words comparing to face to face communication.
Only of cource if you write elsewhere you will write less here in KSP. Afterall, time is only limited for most of us.
I don't know if it's a gal thing with writing notes but I believe that it'd be nice to train our DS's to do the same. I don't have a DS so I can't comment but just this past weekend, while waiting for DD1 to finish with her ballet, I spotted a mum and a pre-teen son, arm in arm and walking down the NTUC aisle. I don't know about you, but it shows total comfort with one another and a confidence that shouts \"watch, me world!\" :celebrate: -
Bear.w.me:
Haiz, wished I have read this earlier... too busy with my work, I also just started term leh...Hi I need some help here. My DD2 is taking PSLE this year.
:? What to do if i have a child who has already shown symtoms like:
1. do things slowly when she used to do the same things speedily
2. start to loose competitive sense; she used to want to push herself greatly to achieve better results but now take things easy
3. her leadership roles in prefect and choir had taken a toll on her somewhat
4. lost interest in subjects like science and languages; all she wants to do is just maths (which she is still good at)
5. poor time keeping as she did the science paper with 8 questions in Section B blanks in Primary 5 SA2
6. she worries she cannot do well in PSLE eventhough she scored up to P5 at 83% average of 4 subjects
7. she prefers instead to shift her attention to piano, game play and 'talk back' to the mother a lot more than she used to
:?: Are these burnt out symtoms?
:?: how to bring her back to the right track?
:?: How to motivate her?
Thank you in advance.
I'm no expert or psychologist, but I have 2 daughters who just went through PSLE in 2 consecutive years. One behaved exactly like yours, and one was a professional student. Prepared herself aptly and perfectly without help from tutor or me at all.
Now that she (the difficult one) has moved to Sec 1, what surprised me was, she is completely back to normal again! She took out her maths book and did maths before the teacher started lessons last week, finishing 2 chapters on her own, asking me for help sparingly. Suddenly has the love for English, started reading to my youngest 2 boys again, she went for audition in all the CCAs that she quit last year, and, she stopped talking back! What happened? I got my daughter back!
Ok, Bear.w.me, you will get your daughter back, sooner or later. That's my experience. Hope it makes you feel better.
Now, for why I thought my daughter displayed that anomaly, which your daughter is displaying right now. I think she is under tremendous pressure! It can be from you (directly or indirectly, e.g. hoping she'll get into a good school, wanting her to be what she was before last year's CA1 etc), from the teachers (in class, since remember they all want their students to outshine another class), and from the principal (announcing what wonderful results they achieved, and that they will achieve better this year) - everyone is giving her expectations and pressure! And, definitely, she is going through puberty! She is going to be 12!
How did I bring my daughter back to the right track? I could do nothing. I just kept showering her with attention, get her to leave the books, get her to pick the restaurants she wants to go to. Praise her a lot, emphasize on her strengths, and put the weakness aside for now. Works once in a while, but the moment something makes her snap (and it can be the slightest, smallest thing), she snaps into that mode again.
If she is losing interest in Science and lang, it is probably because she has some kind of inferior complex on those subjects. Not that she is weak in them, but her PERCEPTION that she is weak in them. You telling her she is good will only backfire (am I right?), so maybe don't keep insisting she is good (you are setting expectation there), but ask her where she is bad, and then help her to get back on track. It worked for me.
Maybe, she realises she is not as perfect as she thought she was... I don't know... I never asked my daughter, but I sensed that. From a high achiever, to realizing that there are so many others better than her can be a big blow to her ego, and sets her rollling the other way... Or, is there a sibling/cousin that you/your hubby is very proud of?
IMHO, you don't have to do anything, except to shower her with love. Let her know and feel that it is her you love, not that prefect, choir leader, her perfect PSLE score... nothing. Just her. When she knows that you can be her best friend and you have no expectation of her, I believe she will open up to you. Only then can you help her. Otherwise, we can only keep guessing.
Key is, many parents lose their children during their adolescence because we forget they are changing and need us to change with them or just simply love them. They have moved to another stage of their lives. Have we moved on with them? Or are we stuck in that trying-to-help-you mode?
O, one more thing. I thought Andaiz's communication mode is really good as well. Do you know the 4 or 5 languages of love? Observe her and see what she responds well with - words, touch, gifts or something else? Shower her with that. If yours likes little notes, write them everyday, how much you love her, etc... and put them into her pencil case or lunch box. We do one-liners only. It will certainly make her day!
Er... daddies here! Should do this more often ok!!!:nunchuk:
Hope this helps!
O, my DS1 is turning 16. He will not hold my hand in NTUC, because he will not want to be caught by his friends or he'll not hear the end of it. But he still sits on my lap at home (heavy! 60+ kg and 175 cm), and he will still make my hot chocolate for me and pull my curtains when daddy is not home (he likes to tuck me in - behaving like the man in charge). He still holds my bag when we go out. That is what I really like about him. He will still hold my hands in public.... overseas! This is the same boy who went through difficult adolescent years as well...
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