[Editor's Note: Post selected for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/my-life-experience-parent.]


A fellow forummer asked me to start this thread. So I thought, hm... maybe. KSP has been a wonderful place for me since I started coming here (only on and off). My kids grew up with lots of tips from parents here. I will also share mine.

So here is the first post that I posted on another thread, modified here:

As a mother of 5, I grapple with the right way to bring up my five very different children. Do we treat them as friends? Should we be lenient or fierce? Someone asked me if I punish my child for not playing the piano (the answer is sometimes) ?

It is dangerous to treat your teenagers as friends. Having raised 3 teenagers by now, they are already in their late teens and teenage is almost over I can reflect and say that fortunately, my kids did not give me teenage heartaches except for very small, transitional ones.

It is dangerous treating them as friends because they are not your friends, they are our responsibilities and they need to know we set the rules and are the authorities, and that cannot be compromised. However, my kids know that they can always come to me for anything and I will listen and work out any issue with them. Even if the whole world is against them, they know I will be by their side, without deviation.

Being a good listener and being there for the kids are important, so is assuring them you have gone through more than them and therefore will know certain circumstances, certain issues better than them and their friends.

I am not sure if I sound really harsh, but if I do, then perhaps I have overly emphasized the importance of being a parent and not a friend, for a good reason.

Over the last 20 years, I have seen how my children have changed from taking everything I say as the ultimate truth, to challenging what I say and peer-influenced, back to realizing what I say make sense afterall, one full cycle. Those teenage years were not difficult because when they challenged me, I would hear them out completely but always told them my decision was final, sometimes to their dismal, but they got used to realizing who the authorities in the house are.

My kids are now big, my girls will still share their boy friend fancies with me, their crazy fashion sense (they buy my clothes), their secret admirers and admirees and most of all, they will listen to me for hours sharing my tips of life. I think if we want to have them as friends when we grow old they have become adults, we must first support them as adults and responsible parents and not just another friend.

Just my honest opinion, and experience from an 'older' mother. So listen and do not judge, but be firm. Now, I tell them they can bring their children in a few years and I will find a way to look after each of my grandchildren, while they build their careers. Hm... those childcare scares are getting into me... again. I want my children to now focus on building their families and careers as they prepare for their twenties and not worry about such things.

just.learn.lah:

2ppaamm

My kids are now big, my girls will still share their boy friend fancies with me, their crazy fashion sense (they buy my clothes), their secret admirers and admirees and most of all, they will listen to me for hours sharing my tips of life. I think if we want to have them as friends when we grow old they have become adults, we must first support them as adults and responsible parents and not just another friend.

So glad that your three kids are still talking to you and shop for you.
You are now more than just a parent - but also as a friend - a close one .

Hope you can share a bit here and there with us in the forum...

start a new threat - \"My life experience of a parent\"...

hehehe... Yep, good idea. I may just do that. :)... so here it is. http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=59001

Actually, it is dangerous to treat your teenagers as friends. Having raised 3 teenagers by now, they are already in their late teens and teenage is almost over I can reflect and say that fortunately, my kids did not give me teenage heartaches except for very small, transitional ones.


It is dangerous treating them as friends because they are not your friends, they are our responsibilities and they need to know we set the rules and are the authorities, and that cannot be compromised. However, my kids know that they can always come to me for anything and I will listen and work out any issue with them. Even if the whole world is against them, they know I will be by their side, without deviation.

Being a good listener and being there for the kids are important, so is assuring them you have gone through more than them and therefore will know certain circumstances, certain issues better than them and their friends.

I am not sure if I sound really harsh, but if I do, then perhaps I have overly emphasized the importance of being a parent and not a friend, for a good reason.

Over the last 20 years, I have seen how my children have changed from taking everything I say as the ultimate truth, to challenging what I say and peer-influenced, back to realizing what I say make sense afterall, one full cycle. Those teenage years were not difficult because when they challenged me, I would hear them out completely but always told them my decision was final, sometimes to their dismal, but they got used to realizing who the authorities in the house are.

My kids are now big, my girls will still share their boy friend fancies with me, their crazy fashion sense (they buy my clothes), their secret admirers and admirees and most of all, they will listen to me for hours sharing my tips of life. I think if we want to have them as friends when we grow old they have become adults, we must first support them as adults and responsible parents and not just another friend.

Just my honest opinion, and experience from an 'older' mother. So listen and do not judge, but be firm. Now, I tell them they can bring their children in a few years and I will find a way to look after each of my grandchildren, while they build their careers. Hm... those childcare scares are getting into me... again. I want my children to now focus on building their families and careers as they prepare for their twenties and not worry about such things.

Today, after a long time, I finally made a trip to visit the widow of Andrew Lim, the late optician who had taken care of my 5 children's eye sight for years. Of course, my oldest boy has been on Ortho-K for almost 10 years, and his eye sight went from 300 degrees to now 175 for both eyes. I don't think at 19 his eyesight will worsen.


I was wondering how to move on with Ortho-K following Andrew's death, and missed his wonderful service. Fortunately, his wife has always been around whenever we visited because we were late visitors, and she is also a qualified optician (so are his son and 2nd daughter). Following some saga, Point Optics now have a host of qualified graduate opticians. Having lived overseas for a while and being used to 'ang-mo' opticians who are more thorough and professional, I am glad they adopted the same level of professionalism not often seen among non-graduate opticians in most shops. I was happy for the business.

I was worried two of my children might have their myopia increased. Fortunately, it didn't seem so. The visit was long and thorough and they made sure my teens knew how to take care of the cleanliness, how to take care of their eyes and also the lenses. They also deep cleaned the lenses and changed the cases. Progression, my kids have progressed from me taking care of things to them taking care of their own things. It is important because for us, each visit must last us more than 3 months and the folks had to teach us how to deep cleanse our lenses also, not just the daily cleaning.

When the optometrist observed my other daughter's sensitive eyes, he did a thorough check and gave sound advice even though she was just tagging along her brother and sister, not planning to see the optometrist. Eye hygiene and some tips on eye care can go a long way. When I told Chris my son had eye tracking problems, (normally linked to special needs children where they skip a line or words when reading), she recommended me to an eye doctor who specialized in a kind of lens that can change behavior. I remember Andrew told me about that during my very last visit with him.

We left the shop with everything in place, one more visit and we will be ready for our trip home overseas. They charged us nothing, gave us loads of friendship and a good 3 hours of their time and knowledge, contacts and great messages. I am happy Andrew can probably be happy that his shop is well run again, kudos to his wonderful wife, children and staff.

I continue using their Ortho-K, as I have used others before and nobody beats their level of details and service yet. I asked Chris if she is settled and is ready to take on more. She showed me her new office ready for more Ortho-K customers. They have 400 satisfied ones.

If you want Ortho-K service, have a thought about them. They helped my son reduce his myopia when he was 9 and increasing every few months from 300+ to 175, my daughter went to all sorts of myopia treatments and spent thousands of dollars on other solutions, and now switched to Ortho-K. Her vision is 200+, my other daughter is myopic in one eye only, my other son has astigmatism and they have managed it from 4 years old to 13 years old. My smallest boy was always afraid of lenses, but they would sit down for hours with him into the late nights (10+ p.m.) coaxing and teaching him how to put those lenses on.

If you need true, honest and careful Ortho-K with a good track record, 10 years speaks volumes. It is not about just one-time thingy, but years of care. I remember the days we could reach them at strange hours, and how when Andrew found out my son was not using the lenses, he just took them back and refunded us. He was always so generous and thoughtful. I was for a moment afraid we lost good support for our eye care and glad we found the legacy in that family once more.

Thought I'd share in case anyone wants to find \"cleeeeeearer and rounnnnnnnnder\" vision, as Andrew used to put it.

Kagillus:

Thanks 2ppaam. I appreciate ur helpful comments. We used cane n timeout. The word caning is enough to scare him. school suggested a time out room, not in used yet. I told them to show him the cane. We are not tt lenient to him. After caning for misbehave, he would feel sorry tt he cannot control n will try to improve. Talking to him 1 to 1 did help but still he cannot interact w his peers. At sch, he cannot relate wat happen just said every thing is bad to him. Very negative thots. His anxiety tantrum is triggerred easily. Any training course uknow tt can help? Thanks.


My kid cannot control his behaviour. Not tt he wants to behave like tt after numerous nagging. Oredi said he has AP. For scholar, i hv no comments. I don't see the association to my boy unless they hv AP as well.

I have to tell you that I have sent my son to all sorts of classes to no avail, and so I finally gave up. In the end, I just homeschooled him and sent him to uni at 12, and he started to pick up social skills and his anxiety problems went away.

It is hard to get people to understand and relate to the problem, especially primary school teachers, even GEP teachers who expect kids who are brilliant to have perfect social skills. My son ended up on the brink of depression.

I learnt from my journey that we have to make rough decisions based on our knowledge of our kids. If you think path light is good, then go for it. But if you truly think it does not suit, then you will have to find alternative paths, and cope with his behavioral problems in mainstream school, as well as finding supplementary courses for him. Most importantly you must be his champion and believe he is trying to be good but does not know how. If you too treat him like a naughty kid, he will lose his self confidence and self esteem altogether.

He will continue to be misunderstood for the next few years until his social skills catch up, and in the mean time, you will have to teach him everything: from covering his mouth when sneezing to raising his hands in class, to reading situations and not talk too much when the teacher is angry. He will not understand what it means by 'imagine if you are in that person's shoes' because he has a totally different perception. So that would not work. You will have to tell him exactly how the other person feels when he does this or that. Even so, he may not empathize, until...

Until he grows up and is ready to understand. Unfortunately, it takes time, and one day, he will mature and understand. In the mean time, you will have to be a firm parent yet the best listener. Preempt as much as possible the problems he may face in class, and help him to work outside his comfort zone. School ready classes might help, but I don't know any. You might want to ask around.

Maybe this gives you a little perspective.

https://www.facebook.com/164129890315013/posts/514043758656956

Kagillus:

Hi all, need help! Not sure if to post here but pls refer me to appropriate thread if he is not. My boy p1 has been labeled with special needs since first 3 days of sch. Cranky, talk too much, lack social skills n empathy. Anxiety tantrum, shout n scream n cry when triggered by unnorm situations at school. Psy assessment Iq test ard 120-140. School teacher complained tt he dominated class n disturbed the classmates, therapist dx him with asperger sym n recommended pathlight school. My boy told the therapist he did not like the school form teacher n will be changing to another neighbor hood school! He talks n behaves like an adult in his own charge. I Can tell he is not happy with his current sch but as most parents do I really hope he can remain in main stream. My worry is pathlight sch might adapt to him but he would not adapt to real world. I hv to make decision for him. What right do I hv to decide for him! Current sch is a neighborhood sch that has no allied educators to assist his tantrum prob n overreactive behavior. Sch Councilor can't help. At home, he behaves, prob cos he is used to us n vice versa, but at sch he can't. Any advice if there is sch other than pathlight that can help? I am trying to train his social skills, calm n relax, share with friends...Teacher n i used tactics like how do u feel if you were in other ppls shoe but he used it back on us - how would we feel if we get scolded by him! I thot of of home schooling but that will affect his social dev as well... Really headache. Really appreciate your advice if u hv exposure in this area. Any private social training course to recommend. Just to add, currently his school results are fine above average, just some careless mistakes. Thank you so much.

Hi,

Children of >130 should be around top 1%, and therefore, it sounds like your child is gifted, and displaying typical behavioral problem of a gifted child who thinks he is equal to an adult.

I rejected Pathlight for my son as well, and his IQ was tested 15x, because Pathlight is good for handling children with special needs and behavioral problems, but will not cater to his intellectual needs.

My experience tells me that when your child's intellectual needs is catered for and satisfied, it will be easier to work on his social skills and he will try harder. If he is starved intellectually, he will act out even more and his social skills will deteriorate. But that is just how my son is, anyway.

Pathlight caters to children who need reminding and handling, which is good. He will get the time out, some kids need that. But my son would die a brain death if he has to stop and start every time someone in class has a problem. The 'internal clock' within him will thirst, he needs information and intellectual input constantly which I knew Pathlight would not be able to cater for. So we rejected Pathlight and I homeschooled him until we found another school. Not sure about your situation though.

If he is gifted (I cannot tell from your range), you should listen to him deeply, and realize a lot of what he says have some truths, but as a child, he has yet learned how to present his thoughts in acceptable ways. He is also unable appreciate his 'place' in the school - as a student, and what his role is. He needs to be taught. Since he is so young, you will need to find a way to teach him how to function in schools, and the consequences of not complying to school teachers' demands.

Since he is ok at home, it sounds like you either give him a lot of leeway to be who he is, he is left alone most of the time, or he is really comfortable with the environment. School is not comfortable for him, and since he has to operate out of his comfort zone, he is acting out. If that is the case, he will need to learn how to work outside his comfort zone.

I am not sure how his school is like, not every school treats their children with respect. If he is acting out because he feels that his school does not respect him, then you will have to explain to him that everyone gets treated the same way and teach him how to deal with it. Unfortunately, he is not an equal, especially in Singapore schools. He has to learn that.

I am assuming he is a brilliant kid and therefore his problems stem from him knowing too much and being too aware, to his own detriment. If you can, and if he is able, to feed his intellectual curiosity at home more, he might act out less in school where he is bored and starved.

Hope this helps.

catddy2002:

My colleague's son is in gifted programme and RI.

He still don't understand why he's son can score most subjects 100 marks even he did not study much at all.

The same reason why we cannot understand why some kids can run so fast without training or some of them draw so well without any enrichment. Each of us is gifted differently, so it does not mean more tuition equals better results, or more time spent equals better. It is better to know our own areas of specialty and then work on what we are good at.

However, I also believe hardwork makes a difference between two people of equal endowment. Life is never fair, so perhaps it is better not to compare our kids with others and be happy with ours for whatever they have or do not have.

mummy of three:

Nebbermind:

[quote=\"mummy of three\"]I find it worrying that children are committing suicide because of studying.

If they cannot handle school work then how they go out and work in the future?

How is this related to GEP? :scratchhead:

Study until :siao:[/quote]Actually,if the child is truly gifted, there is no need to study like siow or much at all. There's a diff between giftedness and conscientiousness , different strengths.

DesertWind:

By the way, what would be the employer's liability if a maid were to get pregnant? I thought we just need to buy a ticket and send her home immediately if she were to be found pregnant. Anything else other than that? Will the bank guarantee be forfeited?

No just send her home, unless you don't know and she gives birth... :faint: otherwise send her back on Your Costs you are liable to deport her.

POA Teacher:

2ppaamm:

[quote=\"POA Teacher\"]This is ridiculous!

The employer was prosecuted?
Did the employer get a cut of her part-time pay?
If the employer didn't allow the FDW to moonlight, how can MOM prosecute the employer. That would amount to persecution instead of prosecution.
In all fairness the ones who should be in trouble should be the FDW and the part-time employer as they were the ones who broke the law.

Er... not sure of the full details leh... but here's what she told me. Only met her once:
Apparently the employer knew about it because the part-time was for her family members. I am not sure how they found out, but when it was, the employer was liable. HOME is not the employer's house, it is the humanitarian organization. She told me she was the witness, and not liable, and I assumed it is the truth. Perhaps someone else with more information can confirm. Even after 2 years it looked like they were in good terms because her employer would bring her things when she was at HOME. I only know that employers are fully liable for their FDW, no matter what they do, so it is not a good idea to encourage them to get part-time employment because it is illegal. Her employment pass says the employer's home address, and that's the only place she can work.

Ok, that explains it fully.
Employer got in trouble because she/ he asked the FDW to work at her/ his relative's home. That's not really a case of maid moonlighting.[/quote]A maid working for a relative for remuneration is not considered moonlighting? Hm...anyway, really none of my biz, take good care and I believe I have she'd enough light. :siam: