Difficult Relationship with Parents

[toddles]

autumnbronze:

Blobbi:

Wow. I hate to pour my feelings out. But I'm in the same camp with you you two, mummy of 2 and autumnbronze. Can't make myself say more but it's been bad ...

To be honest Blobbi,

I am surprised (and I can't use the word pleasantly, cuz I know its not appropriate, but I do believe you know what I mean really) at the response to this thread.

This issue, I feel, is kind of taboo ... I mean who likes to talk abt their family right?? But hey, if it makes us feel better and lighter, then why not ...

And anyway, its a platform for us to share and learn and inspire and encourage us to move forward as well ......

Who knew the few of us would have had/are having similar experiences with regards to our r/s with our mom/family - its uncanny

Actually, I think it's not uncommon... i think I saw library books about this before, about daughters who have difficult relationships with mothers who are manipulative, insecure etc etc... but those were written from a more ang-moh point of view.

It's just that people seldom talk about it, even more so in the asian context.

I think there are actually quite a lot of western children (UK, US) who don't get along with their parents, so just as well that in their culture at the age of 18 they are not expected to stay at home anymore.

Guess like what everyone has said, the impt thing is not to let this make us bitter, but to work hard at not repeating their mistakes.

[toddles]

mummy of 2:

She may not equiped to provide a conducive environment for us to grow up in, but i have no excuse. She is not educated and does not know any better. I'm not!

The strange thing abt my mum is that she's educated. English - Ed till sec 4 which was quite good already in those days. She had to stop studying to work to support her siblings (and she is not shy at reminding the younger ones abt that at any opportunity).

I would say she did provide a conducive environment for me to grow in, but due to insecurity and maybe cos she became very insular from being sahm, these days we just can't see eye to eye, and she likes to accuse everyone of things they didn't do. Her distrust and suspicion really gets to me.

[mummyjoyce]

There should be another option to vote : NONE of the above.

[autumnbronze]

mummy of 2:

The silver lining is that I'm very aware of the kind of family environment and relationship I do not want for my kids. That motivates me to do things differently from my mother. I do not want to make the same mistakes as her.

Nicely put, mummy of 2

You have summed up what I also believe in.

[on_plus_kiasu]

I'm really glad that I found this thread at this point of moment becoz I want to :rant: about my mum.

She said \" I prayed that you won't get into your degree course because DD2 is too young for you to pursue a degree. Wait one more year!\"
:!: :!: :!:
I was having lunch with her and sis.
:x :x :x :x
Sis :oops: ducked her head and continued eating.
No wonder she asked me out for lunch.

I gave up my degree coz I got pregnant with DD1 and then one year later DD2. DH said okay for me to try again. Now waiting for reply, my mum said like that... :stupid:

In the 1st place, she insisted I get married before I go uni. Then all this, :x :x :x :x :x :x

Always want to control my life.... DH got angry with her during my confinement period with DD2. He didn't hear her calling him, she immediately started ranting and raving saying we don't respect her and started calling DH names. Wah, that period very stress man. Lucky, i didn't go :siao:

Lucky, no thread about MIL, if not I will be there all the time also...
DH also agree our family problems are never about our family. ALways about our parents....

[corneyAmber]

on_plus_kiasu:

Lucky, no thread about MIL, if not I will be there all the time also...

DH also agree our family problems are never about our family. ALways about our parents....

but there is a thread about MILs! It's hundreds of pages long, so you know what that means?

http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2075

[sakura_2009]

on_plus_kiasu:

I'm really glad that I found this thread at this point of moment becoz I want to :rant: about my mum.

She said \" I prayed that you won't get into your degree course because DD2 is too young for you to pursue a degree. Wait one more year!\"
:!: :!: :!:
I was having lunch with her and sis.
:x :x :x :x
Sis :oops: ducked her head and continued eating.
No wonder she asked me out for lunch.

I gave up my degree coz I got pregnant with DD1 and then one year later DD2. DH said okay for me to try again. Now waiting for reply, my mum said like that... :stupid:

In the 1st place, she insisted I get married before I go uni. Then all this, :x :x :x :x :x :x

Always want to control my life.... DH got angry with her during my confinement period with DD2. He didn't hear her calling him, she immediately started ranting and raving saying we don't respect her and started calling DH names. Wah, that period very stress man. Lucky, i didn't go :siao:

Lucky, no thread about MIL, if not I will be there all the time also...
DH also agree our family problems are never about our family. ALways about our parents....

Since you have the full support of DH to go for your uni, just go ahead. You are already married and have a family of your own. What you decide and do should be between DH and yourself, not your mum (unless it affects her directly). Those are just my thoughts, coz this is exactly what I do and when my mum try to 'control my life', which she always used to do b4 I got married, I just told her I will decide what I want to do with DH, its not up to her to decide for me

[buds]

autumnbronze:

mummy of 2:

The silver lining is that I'm very aware of the kind of family environment and relationship I do not want for my kids. That motivates me to do things differently from my mother. I do not want to make the same mistakes as her.

Nicely put, mummy of 2

You have summed up what I also believe in.

Me three.. same same. :grphug:

At least i hope so..

Ya know how people say the more you say her, the less
you realize you're becoming like her? That's scary.. I'm
a daddie's girl thru and thru.. and used to have a cold
relationship with her until i started working overseas..
:lol: hahaa.. lost sparring partner. Then followed by
the time i got married.. once again.. no one to
scream at. :lol: My bros told me to come back
arh, jie! :please:

But i didn't turn out too bad somehow... since her vivid
nagging screams are fresh in my mind till today ...
and mostly i realized tt she does actually mean well nia...
no malice intended... ermm... :idea: ... some harm done
to my psyche but hey still kickin' good and alive anyhow.

Thanks mum, for your brutal wake up calls! :lol:
It has helped me more than you know..

:snuggles:

[MMM]

I am the only child and have a close relationship with my mum even up till now. I only recalled that she cane me once. It was not very hard but I recall telling that "do you know that it hurts". It was for show I suppose.


My parents didn’t have much expectations of me but have always been supportive of whatever I do. I recall that I had a "good for nothing" 1st boyfriend, followed by a boyfriend 12 years my senior. Though not ideal, they have never objected to our relationship. Fortunately for them? my hubby is different from the 1st 2 boyfriends.

But frankly, I wished that my parents could have been more stern or demanding. As that probably created some "directions" and I could have strive to do better in school when I was younger and not wait till Sec 3 to kai qiao,etc…

As a mum now, I don’t want to be like my mum though yes she treated me well. I set expectations for my kids and try to "push them" to do better. I feel that it is in the spirit of challenging oneself to do better in whatever you do and not be complacent. Also, I do express my disappointment and I am frank with what I think. But I will praise them and give them credit when it’s due. I maybe wrong but I feel that our generation being more educated should be better position to provide better guidance for our kids?

[autumnbronze]

buds:

Me three.. same same. :grphug:


and used to have a cold
relationship with her until i started working overseas..

But i didn't turn out too bad somehow... some harm done
to my psyche but hey still kickin' good and alive anyhow.

Thanks mum, for your brutal wake up calls! :lol:
It has helped me more than you know..

:snuggles:

So I suppose we can say that we turned out not too bad despite the 'tough love' we were subjected to? We are fortunate. I have seen and known of gals who went wayward or suffered from extreme esteem problems because of this. I know of two who were in an abusive r/s - mentally/verbally/emotionally abused.

I consider myself fortunate. I took solace in friendships. But they (my friends) were experimenting (teenage yrs) and I am glad I never fell into the trap.

So yes, to a large xtend, my parents' conservatism and stictness kinda held me trodding on the right path. In fact, I was the 'auntie' in the grp. I would be the person they would turn to when they had probs, the first whom they will explicitly describe how their first time was etc ....