When your child wants this and that...

[sashimi]

OK let me try a different tack.


When a child starts to throw a tantrum, be aware that at this point the part of his mind that listens to reason has been overwhelmed by the emotional machine.

I've read that in a 2-year-old's tantrum, the crying and screaming is actually *BEYOND THe CHILD'S CONSCIOUS CONTROL* - he actually becomes incapable of shutting down the emotional explosion. This is one reason why reasoning with the child is utterly useless.

In such a situation, it has been recommended that the best thing one can do as a parent is to provide emotional support. Calm the child down and let him know you are there for him, that you still love him even when you say no.

So let's say after the initial no, your child begins a long cry, or throws a tantrum.

If trying to shush him does not work, you could try hugging and holding him and just tell him that \"It's ok. It's for your own good.\" What you say is not as important as the tone you use.

If the crying is very serious to the point that he's obviously not hearing you, you may need to catch his attention, squarely in the eye. My DD has a habit of not looking at me when I give orders, so sometimes I have to begin an order with \"Look at me.\" Pause. \"No.\"

Hopefully after you've got your child's attention, you can either enforce the \"No\" one more time, or go straight to consolation. Be your child's friend even when you say \"no\". Never become the enemy. Disperse the negative emotions asap.


There is one other tactic I use - pre-empt the request. If a reasonable time has passed since the last opportunity for a request - before your child asks you for something you tend to reject, get it for her.

In this way, you satisfy the child's craving without her having to request it (from you at an inopportune moment.) If you persist, there's a good chance your child will become retrained NOT to ask for this thing at all. More effective if you satisfy the craving once in a while according to your comfort level.

My DD likes to go the arcade. In the recent past, she would ask us to bring her, every few days. My limit is once a fortnight. She's past tantrums, but she would become very upset if I rejected her request. I stuck to my methodologies above. After a couple of months, I realized that she's forgotten the habit of asking every few days, or even every week. Nowadays she hardly asks any more.

What I would do now is surprise her every now and then, \"Would you like to go to Timezone?\" She would gleefully accept.

Do you see what has happened? Instead of the child asking you (and you rejecting her), it has become YOU asking the child and the child agreeing with you, at your convenience. The extra bonus is that child will love you for it.

I also do this with ice cream as well, and the occasional toy. (But toys are a different ball game altogether...)

[smurf]

this tactic hor, sometime it works for him, sometime it doesn't. if the thing is not really want he wants and all he wants is attention, then hugging him is enough.but if he really wants, for example, ice cream, hugging him and saying no to him will result in screaming leh. :!:


so difficult to understand him. haiz. :?

[sashimi]

Understand. Keep trying, sometimes he just needs to grow up a little more. I've had my share of the same. My DD is now 7, she has improved a lot.

[schellen]

sashimi:

Understand. Keep trying, sometimes he just needs to grow up a little more. I've had my share of the same. My DD is now 7, she has improved a lot.

Yup, now hardly any tantrums. She sulks instead and ignores/avoids us but it is usually short-lived cos she knows that it is more fun to be happy; being sulky and aloof is a waste of time.

[smurf]

7 year old, ok, still got 3 more years to go.

[mintcc]

smurf:

this tactic hor, sometime it works for him, sometime it doesn't. if the thing is not really want he wants and all he wants is attention, then hugging him is enough.but if he really wants, for example, ice cream, hugging him and saying no to him will result in screaming leh. :!:

hee, I try to distract rather than say no out right. for ice cream... I volunteer to buy a box of 12 mini for him and he gets to eat when he is good or when I want to give him a treat. So when he wants ice cream outside, I will go like, \"okay lets go home to eat ice cream!\" and he is happy with that. by the time we get home, some times he forgets he wanted ice cream hee hee .

[buds]

Heyya smurf,


Heyya smurf,

I apply similar discipline tact with sashimi & schellen..
My kiddies one 7yrs and the other 5 yrs old.
It works for me the same..

I do not really experience major disciplinary issues with the
kiddies even now that they're bigger. I suppose parents have to
perservere thru' a fixed disciplinary measure to ensure children
know whose the boss. Meaning that, say.. we have first decided the time
out method (at home), to deal with childrens' petty tantrums, we gotta
follow through.. stick to it till we see some form of concrete response.
It takes time to cultivate the disciplinary measures, but if started from
young... eventually god willing it will be automatic.

If say... we decide to not use the time out for one occasion cos we
were tied up with something and offer him say... a candy to quickly
shush child down, child will know that somehow something had
worked that made us not use it. The child will then try similar
tactics to test market. It may be occasions when we were busy
cooking, or talking on the phone, and heck... just give it a quick
fix so we can get back to what we were doing but... Ting!! :idea:
That's one slip child will come to know that what he just did when
parent was busy, worked for him. He didn't have to do time-out.

Likewise if we're shopping, and all the while we have practised the
ignoring method... then for some reason that day there was a huge
crowd and people were looking, parent caves in to the pressure stares
child will continue to do the roll around the floor dance till we give up
our initial discipline measure. I reali think real parents will be polite
enuf not to stare and allow the parents of the tantrum throwing child
to deal with it their way. We're parents too... so it shudn't be a big of
a deal for us to discipline our children how we want. Even if it means
allowing the child a big loud cry at the corner of the mall.

If child does not make effort to cease the tantrum, i wud just get up
with them and go. Excursion over. These will be the moments where
the immediate discipline method wud not work and since we want to
avoid an audience (people can be really kaypoh!) gathering up our
discipline corner, might as well bring the child home and deal with
hin/her, properly :evil: ...

There were some occasions where i flopped too... and none else but,
by giving way. I said, \"If anyone misbehaves, straight home we go...\"
Buuuuttt, at times i didn't stay true to what i promised. It may be cos i
JUST happen to see-a-dress-i-liked-at-a-discount and it-was-the-last-
one... So i thought, neh-mind aah... just scold a bit there and then but
forgetting my pre-empt warning, the outing still continues.. And my
smarty pants, 5 yr old will observe and say, \"Mummy, you said if we
weren't behaving you wud take us straight home? But you're not?
Are you giving us another chance?\" :stupid: :stupid: :stupid:

Children are smarter than we think..
So, gotta outsmart lor.
Important to stay firm. Mean what you say.
Do what you said you WILL do in the event of an outburst.
Weak threats will not work eventually..

And finally like sashimi said, when we catch them being all nice and
angelic... just how we want them to... surprise them with that one
thing you know they wud reali like. They'd remember and love you
for it, thus encouraging good behaviour at all other times.

>schellen : my kiddie's pout can reach the floor! :roll:
So, i noe watcha mean..

Just wanna quote Horton :
I meant what i said,
I said what i meant,
An elephant's faithful 100%.

[smurf]

when I bring my 4 year old boy out, I would usually warn him beforehand that he cannot keep asking for this and that and that I would bring his back and no more outing next time. but usually at the mall, he would forget his promise. and then when I said cannot, his throwing tandrum pattern comes out. and when he doesn't stop his screaming, I would walk away. he would cry even louder and harder. :x makes me even more hot man!

at this time, there is a lot of passerbys watching good show. he can go on crying for hours if I DUN give him wat he wants.

So tired of his behaviour and sometime I really wanna spank him hard for that. :stupid:

[buds]

Heyya smurf,


I can imagine how :x :x :x you must be…
If every outing fighting battles like that…
How to enjoy like that, isn’t it…
Very stress indeed.

From how you describe him, he sure is one
champion cry-er, ay… and he already seasoned.
He knows what riles you up and sticks to it.
And now he knows, it works all the time too…

You have one tough kiddo, no doubt.
Perservere k. You be tough too.
For his own good.

Hang in there ok…

[csc]

smurf:

when I bring my 4 year old boy out, I would usually warn him beforehand that he cannot keep asking for this and that and that I would bring his back and no more outing next time. but usually at the mall, he would forget his promise. and then when I said cannot, his throwing tandrum pattern comes out. and when he doesn't stop his screaming, I would walk away. he would cry even louder and harder. :x makes me even more hot man!

at this time, there is a lot of passerbys watching good show. he can go on crying for hours if I DUN give him wat he wants.

So tired of his behaviour and sometime I really wanna spank him hard for that. :stupid:

You did the right thing by establishing boundaries in advance but when the rule is broken, the child is expecting you to act.... so don't disappoint him.Did you follow-up on the consequence if he disobeys the instructions?

When a child is defiant, in my opinion, it is impossible to \"reason\" with him. The real issue between parent and child is : Are you in charge, or am I ?